Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1

By Jay W. MacIntosh

Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume I, is a courageous and intimate inner record of a young woman's struggle for meaning and direction in life. It is honest and open in its internal conversation. Janet Tallulah Jewell is born in a small town in Georgia in the 1930’s. She is the baby daughter of young man - Jesse Dickson Jewell - who owns a chicken hatchery with his mother. Janet’s mother is a housewife. She raises Janet to be a housewife. Prim, proper, obedient. Play nice, be fair, go to church. Janet has other plans. Lead, shine, star, confront, enjoy, explore. By the time Janet is 31, she leaves Georgia, much to her parents chagrin, and moves to Los Angeles, California, with her husband and small children. This Journal begins after Janet has been in LA for a year. Depressed, discouraged, disillusioned, and somewhat naive, she attends a retreat focusing on depth psychology. Conducted by Jungian psychologist Ira Progoff, Janet immerses herself in a journalistic approach to humanistic psychology and begins writing in a Journal in 1969. This e-book covers her journey shortly after her arrival in California from Georgia. She has big dreams that she makes come true. She is courageous and brave enough to follow her dreams. This journal lets the reader in on what she has to endure for her dreams to happen. This is obviously a very personal journal filled with lots of starts and stops of everyday thoughts because it is her stream of consciousness in print. Doing what she does is anything but easy. But, she does it, somehow figuring things out as she goes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jay W. MacIntosh
• Release date: Nov 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370711031

Jay W. MacIntosh

Jay W. MacIntosh (born Janet Tallulah Jewell) is an attorney, actress, and writer from the United States, living in Nice, France. She is a member of the California Bar, selected to 2018 Southern California Super Lawyers list. She holds a Master’s Degree in Drama from the University of Georgia, and is a member of Phi Beta Kappa, Phi Kappa Phi, and Zodiac Scholastic Society. As an actress, she is a member of The Actors Studio, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS), SAG-AFTRA, and ASCAP, performing in film and television in the United States and France. Her published works include "Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 1", "Journal of Janet Tallulah, Volume 2", "The Origins of George Bernard Shaw’s Life Force Philosophy", "Moments in Time", "Capturing Beauty", "JAYSPEAK on the Côte d’Azur", and "Janet Tallulah".

Book preview

Journal

of

Janet Tallulah

Volume 1

Jay W. MacIntosh

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2019 Jay W. MacIntosh

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Ebook formatting by Lucinda Campbell

Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

The Journal

1969 – Budding Forth

1970 – Blossoming Forth

1971 – Rough Seas Make Good Sailors

1972 – Starting Over

Dedicated to my grandmothers -Lillie Westmoreland & Mary Tallulah Dickson. Both were artists. Their spirits live on through me.

The Introduction

It is painful to look back. I have heard others say that it is painful to regret choices that they made at one time or another, but I have only recently known first-hand the depth of the pain of regret. At this point, I am doing everything I can to break the spell that my old emotional life has had on me. I believe my future is compelling; it has tremendous possibilities. But, not if it has to compete with the almost addictive hold that my past has had on me. So, I am writing this book and focusing on releasing the emotional attachments that have tied me to the emotional, psychological, and psychic vulnerabilities of my past.

I am very different now. I cannot fix the past – try as I might. The present is my point of power – right now. Today. There is what happened, factually speaking, and how I perceived what happened. It is only since I went to law school that I learned to separate perception from facts and been able to look with fresh eyes at the past. I am not focusing on facts in this Journal.

This Journal is filled with my present-time stream of consciousness without censure during that period of time – my perceptions, my obsessions, my goals, my fears, my mistakes, my thoughts, my loves, my hates. I went through during the years 1969 through 1971. I was 32. I am now 82. A lot of life has gone by since then. These were the years when I confronted a lot of things and made major mistakes and major strides in becoming the woman I am today. The time for regret is over.

If I could, what would I tell that young girl who was starting out on a new path in life in another part of the USA? I would hardly know where to begin.

I use real names in this book. A lot of people did not like that I did that. Sorry, but it got too confusing to try to select fictitious names. Besides, it became important for me to tell the truth. So, I did. As a result, I have lost a lot of friends. My answer to that? They were never friends. It was a time of health fads, psychics, sexual trials and tribulations for me. I have transcribed the text as it was written down at that time, without embellishment. Raw and uncertain. It was a time when I was making choices that affected my life and my children’s lives in ways that I could not see at the time. In retrospect, I realize that I did what I believed to be right at the time. In fact, I don’t think I have ever done what I did not think was right at the time I did it. So, in a sense, I had integrity in that.

I kept Journals throughout the years. I am still writing in my Journal. This is the first. This is the now of then – 49 years ago. Go with me. Let’s be in that sliver of now together.

First, some background. I was born at home on Cleveland Road in Gainesville, Georgia, with Dr. Davis in attendance. It was a Tuesday, March 30, 1937. Mother and Daddy named me Janet Tallulah Jewell. Daddy’s mother was named Mary Tallulah so I was named after her. I grew up in Gainesville. My father was in the chicken business and my mother was a housewife: Jesse and Anna Lou Jewell. I had two older sisters – Barbara and Patricia. We moved to Green Street Circle when I was four, and that remained the family home until Mother died in 2002.

I loved school. I made excellent grades and participated in school activities, extra-curricular activities, and First Baptist Church activities. I loved Wade Lindorme from the time I met him after he moved to Gainesville from Atlanta. We were in grammar school. He was a year older than I was. And, we remained a couple throughout grammar school and high school, dating until I went to the University of Wisconsin to college in the fall of 1957.

Things changed once I left Gainesville. My world slowly began opening up. The somewhat sheltered existence that I had lived for most of my life began to disintegrate. I was not prepared for what happened. I tried to be the leader that I had been in high school, but that was not to be. I made a lot of wrong choices. I was miserable at Wisconsin. I missed the comfort of the familiar, and most especially, I missed Wade. I had dreams and goals, but I did not have the muscles and/or savvy to emotionally handle the myriad of changes that were coming my way.

In my second year of college, I met Darrell. He was a Phi Gam and very good looking. I was a Kappa Alpha Theta. We dated all that year, eventually getting pinned. And, by the end of my sophomore year, I discovered that I was pregnant. So, after facing the fact that I had ruined my family’s good name in Gainesville, Darrell and I got married. We were in love and had a strong physical attraction to each other that continued for many years.

All of that is a long story that will save for another day, but I married Darrell William MacIntyre on August 17, 1957, and became Janet Jewell MacIntyre or Janet MacIntyre. Many people called me Jan. Still do. I think it was a Wisconsin thing.

In the fall of 1957, we moved to Madison to live until Darrell had to report to duty at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas, in January 1958. He was stationed in special services at Fort Sam for two years. And that is where our beautiful daughter Tracy Lee MacIntyre, was born – on February 23, 1958.

After Darrell got out of the service, we both enrolled in the University of Georgia, Athens, Georgia, to continue our college education. Darrell was accepted into law school, and I was accepted into a Bachelor of Arts program with a major in drama. That is where our terrific son Craig Dickson MacIntyre was born – on April 5, 1961.

After college, Darrell and I with our small family moved back to Gainesville, where Darrell began practicing law and I began teaching speech and drama at Brenau College. In 1964, while teaching at Brenau, I got pregnant again, so I resigned from teaching at Brenau. I stayed out a year, giving birth to our terrific son Blake William MacIntyre, on December 11, 1964. During the spring of 1965, I was hired to serve as Chairman of the Division of Humanities at a junior college, Gainesville Junior College (GJC) that was opening in Gainesville as part of the State University System. It was a PhD position, so I got the position on the condition that I would obtain my PhD at some point in the near future.

So, in 1968, after discovering that UCLA had a PhD program in Theatre History, I took a year’s leave of absence from GJC to move with my family to Los Angeles to work on my PhD. I applied for a Fellowship and it looked promising. Darrell got a job as a prosecuting attorney with the U.S. Justice Department in the Criminal Division. And we rented a home in the Huntington area of Pacific Palisades. I did not get the Fellowship, missing it by one person. Darrell had difficulty passing the California Bar Exam. And, the children were unhappy and missed Mother and their friends in Gainesville. Life was not good.

The truth be known, I did not want to go back to Georgia - EVER. I had grown to hate much about my life in Gainesville. I wanted more. I LOVED California. I wanted to give my children more and better. So, I begged all of them to be patient so that I could establish residency and still get my PhD. Meanwhile, I began exploring the possibility of a career in the film and television industry.

All of that is a story in itself, and what transpired during all those years is for another time. This book begins in 1969. I am 32. Darrell is 35. At some point that year, Darrell and I separated for a short period of time. I had an affair with Norman Russell, a good-looking, smooth-talking con guy, who proceeded to get me to loan him a lot of money. Just in time, Darrell came back into the picture, and saved me at the last minute from giving Norman a LOT of money. Darrell threatened Norman with a gun, telling Norman not to try to come back into my life. At that point, we moved to Brentwood, renting a house on North Bundy. Tracy is 11, Craig is 8, and Blake is 4.

While we were living in Pacific Palisades, I got my first agent, a man named Harold Swoverland, who had The Harold Swoverland Agency. Harold suggested that I get pictures made by Max Factor’s son. So, I did. Below is the first composite that my agent began submitting to casting directors by The Harold Swoverland Agency.

The Journal

I began writing in a Journal in 1969. A friend of mine, John Prince, told me about a weekend retreat in San Jacinto, California, that was conducted by a man named Ira Progoff. I discovered that Ira Progoff was an American psychologist who had studied under Carl Jung. That didn’t mean a lot to me, but I didn’t care. I was unhappy, in an unhappy marriage, trying to change my life, and confused as hell.

I discovered that Ira was best known for his development of the Intensive Journal Method. His main interest was in depth psychology and particularly the humanistic adaptation of Jungian ideas to the lives of ordinary people – like me. He founded Dialogue House in New York City to help promote this method. So, I started attending his weekend retreats in 1969 with John Prince.

The first weekend was a confused mess. I didn’t understand much of what I was hearing. First of all, I was told that the main idea of Journal writing is to provide a total program for the inner life to discover what is taking place in me. Well, I did not know that I had an inner life, much less need to discover what was taking place inside of me. Ira said that the Journal was to be the basis to set myself over against what is working inside of me.

Ira said that the Journal is the hub of the wheel. I must use the Journal in privacy but also I must use it in a group because a group and group contact would open me up. Apparently, in a workshop, each person is like a well in a circle of wells. If I individually go down my own well, there is a great benefit in hearing myself say something I want to say. The Journal is structured to prevent the self from going in a circle. There are two main parts: the Log Section and the Depth Section.

In the Log Section, I was told to write brief entries. There is the Period Log, which covers some period in my life marked by some event, i.e., a unit in some life situation. Then, there is the Daily Log, which covers each day, making daily records of what is going on in my inner life, such as my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, and my fantasies. The Daily Log gives me a sense of style and rhythm in my life, calling me to make entries when something compels me to do so. If I wake with thoughts and ideas, write them in the Daily Log. If I have a song running through my head, write it in the Daily Log.

Then, there is the Depth Section. The Depth Section is where I want to get down as much of this life now as I can. When I work in my Journal, especially in a workshop, time pauses. All before is past; all after is future. During my pause, I go down. I dialogue with persons – with uncompleted relationships. I dialogue with works – with committed works. I dialogue about group experiences – other group experiences – other than the workshop. The Depth Section is also the dream section where I go into a dream in depth, referencing it in the Daily Log with a sentence or three, without interpretation or analysis. If I try to interpret it or analyze it, I stop the flow. I must remember never to jump to conclusions because in Journal writing, I deal mainly with symbolic things.

In the Journal, I want to dialog with all the important things in my life – ultimately. My aim is to get seriously involved with the dialogue. I want to keep enough daily entries for a week to give a sense of what is happening. I want to do dreams and dream extensions. I was told to get started so that I could get it started. I was told that there is a process that works within the depth of me. I must work in it and then give it the opportunity to work for me. Basic dialog is the dialog that works between me and my inner self. This will keep me in the eye of the hurricane.

SO, in this book, I have transcribed my Journal’s Daily Log section that I wrote, starting in 1969 and ending in 1971. All in all, I have 13 Journals. This is merely 500 pages of the first one.

I begin with the Daily Log section. It was in that section that I spent the most time. I have other Period Logs, Dialogues with people and events, Depth notations, but here, I will be sticking to the Daily Log. Remember, I am dealing with a maze of Journals that spans many years and several major life transitions. Forgive me for not trying to explain everything to you. It would take too long. Also forgive me for not including any family pictures. Somehow, that did not seem like the right thing to do. And, remember, this Journal is a literal transcription of what I wrote at that time, without editing. That is the choice I made when I wrote this book.

1969

Budding Forth

August 17, 1957

October 3, 1969.

I got very mad at Darrell. I demanded that he understand why I want to go to the Actors Studio. But he doesn’t understand. I am aware of my dreams, but I cannot remember them. I’m am really tired and suffering from lack of sleep. Darrell says that I cavort with John. He is talking about my friend John Prince. Is that what I do?

During the first part of the day, I had a good scene rehearsal with Gerry O’Loughlin. Yet I was really uptight and saying to myself, What do I think of him. I even felt a certain desire for him. Then, I realized that I say too much. I found myself telling him what I think is wrong with my acting. It is my need to control. I even told him Lieux Dressler’s comments. I need to keep my mouth shut.

I am curious about his yellow sheets that he is using as props. Hmmmmm.

I fear Mrs. Baker thinks I’m too free with Bill McKinney. I tell Bill McKinney too much about Steve Gravers. I hope he won’t tell. Plus, I wonder if John Lindesmith is mad at me.

I really want to do a project. I am sticking to my diet. But, I can’t seem to tune into the moment. I did a horrible improvisation at Eric Morris’ class, today. I am really embarrassed, and afraid.

I forgot Spirit. Am I no good? Justify, anyway. I start to show pictures to Fred, like the girl in the book. Is she free? I love her bosoms. I want big bosoms, really big bosoms.

I am home-feel a blank-with a need to impress Larry. I want John Prince, but he is gay. I am so uptight. I dread the mental work. I want health. I hate diets. I have so many worries. Plus, my commercial composite won’t work. Gerry Guardino won’t like me. I’m no good. That’s not true; I’m good.

My fantasy is that I am kicked out of Studio because Bill McKinney tells Steve Gravers what I said. And, the Studio members won’t want to see me so much because I go all the time.

I’m a delicious woman.

Middle of the Day: I am glad Gerry Guardino is gone. I don’t have to work at conversation with him. Mrs. Baker makes me uneasy. I like to think I’m special, but I know I’m not. I sat on Bill McKinney’s lap. He turns me on. John Lindesmith looks funny. Is it about The Country Girl? I won’t be able to stay here. Maybe I will. I want Bill McKinney to talk to me. He is so much fun and the best actor around.

I like to eat with my fingers. Everything tastes better and it feels good. Philip Kenneally calls me beautiful. I hope so. I like to think that I am beautiful and fear that I am not.

As for my mood, it is good. It was an anxious mood that changed to a good mood, then Utter Frustration after we did the scene. And, the Utter Frustration stayed with me throughout the evening. I went to dinner with everyone to the Swiss Chalet but I couldn’t tune in. I keep trying to keep everyone happy. Then, the first lecture seemed boring. It took a lot of work to listen. I literally worked at listening. Then, we went to Figueroa’s, and it was dark and noisy. Steve Gravers kept trying to talk to me, and I didn’t want to talk. I got so scared going home. I felt like Cinderella, with a pumpkin. I have discovered that if I make love to Darrell, no matter how I feel, then, I can do what I want tomorrow. Oh, hell, it feels good to make love. Darrell always turns me on, and if I have trouble, I make it John, or someone I want to give myself to.

I itch. I really need to stick to my diet. I am not getting enough sleep, and I hate to get up. I am glad that Darrell is leaving early, though he really smells good. He is warm and soft to touch.

I felt fear and anger at my sweet Martini MacIntyre (my pet poodle). I regret leaving the children alone. I really HATE TO WRITE. And, I am beginning to realize how overly concerned with beauty and health I am. Then, I reminded myself when driving to Larry’s how really happy I am. I feel ALIVE!

October 4, 1969

Random Thoughts: I have a seed that is dying to be born. When I lose myself, the IT takes over and the act acts. I am only the instrument. IT flows. It’s not something I want to do; but something that wants to be done. There is nothing one cannot do if she doesn’t care who gets the credit. If one has to stoke the fire, it is taking too much energy.

Fulfillment is a pot of flowers in full bloom. Fulfillment is finding one’s Self, and relationships have to do with this. All of us have a center out of which we operate. No one can do anything to help someone else live. The opposites are always at work. Things go against themselves. Young people will always have to tussle against something.

The more that is involved, the more work it takes to make what is involved a part of one. If one is going to make a leap, one must be sure her muscles are ready. And if one makes the leap because of Will, one will probably have to make the leap again under the principle of waiting for the RIGHT moment.

4:00 pm: I feel confusion over value of this day. I hope that this will lead me to discover that thing I try to control, but I fear that this approach will push me back into my mind. I hope that I will be able to combine feelings and intellect.

I just remembered that Spirit handled Darrell and this San Jacinto weekend. I must remember Spirit.

I love Darrell. He is patient with me. But, I am aware that I expect Darrell to be patient with me, and I fear that I may do something to hurt him. In this spiritual search that I am making, I am neglecting my children and their spiritual growth. What to do?

However, I feel very happy because I am on the right track acting-wise. That is great!

I am ambivalent about John. I want a dialog with him.

My diet is shot. I smoke too much. I must turn both my diet and my smoking over to Spirit. I want to talk to my psychic Doug Johnson about this. I think he has great insights.

I LOVE the way I spoke out today with confidence. I want to do more of that and carry that confidence to speak out into my acting life. Simplicity is the key. I make everything so complicated. I will make life SIMPLE. Maybe I should reread my thesis. I should also reread Karl Jung’s book about knowing women. That was a terrific read.

October 5, 1969

Laguna Beach. This has been a most confusing day.

I woke up very happy. I remembered dreaming about Gainesville Junior College. I was no longer a teacher. I was doing Girl Friday work and trying to do things right so that everyone would like me and I could prove my worth. But I really felt left out and in the way. Mrs. Stowe was working the switchboard and kept telling me not to bother her. She kept plugging in and pulling out plugs. Hugh Mills complimented me on the good way I had stacked some papers. I felt it was flattery for a very insignificant thing.

Then, I got mad when I heard Darrell mutter Oh, Shit as he woke up and got out of bed. It was as if he had ruined the day before it had begun. I wanted to take my yeast, get up and go to Laguna, so I tried to make him happy with a good breakfast. Nothing seemed to work. He kept frowning and yelling at the children. I felt myself sinking, going down, thinking of San Jacinto, getting angry at Darrell, and feeling frustrated with the children.

Nothing seems to work. I feel trapped, bogged down. My life is too complicated, and I have to work too hard at being aware of what is happening.I remember the happy days with John, MeRandy, and the children. I fantasize about being single, having money, living in a small house, and owning very little furniture.

I wish I didn’t worry so much about the thought work that needs to go into my roles.

The wind is warm, the water is clear and cool, and the sky is a beautiful blue. My favorite rock in Laguna still feels good.

Darrell is waiting for the day that I am working during the week and want to spend my time with him and the kids so that I won’t want to go to weekends away. He doesn’t feel the need for deeper experiences like I do.

I don’t know how I feel about Darrell. I allow him to get to me and pull me down. I know that he reads my writings that I put into my Journal. Do I care?

It feels good to write this. I fell asleep when I was lying on my stomach. I dreamed… of what?

Please, Spirit, guide me. Protect me. Show me the way….

October 9, 1969

I woke up upset over getting up early for the trip to San Jacinto and with a bad taste in my mouth. I wish didn’t smoke. I will drink too much coffee. I look in the mirror, and I look haggard and worn. I’m tired. I’m supersaturated with acting and yet obsessed to do more and more. I obsess over the mime play. I want to do it, to be seen, to participate, to be a part.

I woke up this morning knowing that I had dreamed, but I couldn’t remember what. I wanted to sleep. I tried to remember what I had eaten the night before, hoping that it hadn’t been too bad. My back hurt from my Rolfing treatment yesterday. My hands are rough and dry. I yell at the children. I get so upset because they leave bikes and go-carts down the street during school. I am angry about most everything.

I didn’t want to take the car pool and I didn’t want to take Blake to the doctor. I liked and wanted Daphne’s housecoat. I’m irritated. I yelled at Blake because he opened the window too far. The eye doctor made me wait. Blake’s eye operation was not successful.

This is the wrong notebook paper.

I LOVE Halloween and bought decorations. The car’s REVS are working, finally. I paid bills, and it is obvious that we need money. But, I keep spending.

I tried to put off paying bills. I got excited over sending composites to people. But, I couldn’t and didn’t finish.

I had rehearsal tonight. I was very nervous because it is a stupid play for an evening of mini-plays. I want to go to Palm Springs, but I am afraid not to be in a mini-play. That’s what’s stupid!

I gossiped with Judith Doty and her boyfriend. I shouldn’t do that. It will come back to me. Her boyfriend wanted me to join Theatre West. Do I want or need it? I am not really interested in Theatre West. It is not prestigious, not the way that the Actor’s Studio is. Why split my focus? Norman and his wife Karla are supporters of Theatre West. Yuk.

October 10, 1969

I’m frantic –confused – tired. I ate stuff to hurt me today – cheese, crackers, peanut butter, bread, cookies, and mashed potatoes. I am staying home cause don’t want to go to the Studio.

Jack Matcha just called. I didn’t want to tell him no, but I gossiped so much! I can’t believe my desire to put other people down. That is what Mother always does. I am awfully insecure.

Why don’t I stop and look at my children more often? I moved my piano into my bedroom. Music is back in my life. Darrell was so kind tonight. Sometimes I love him so very much. John is mad at me.

October 11, 1969

Random Thoughts: The trip is the Promised Land. The Eye of the Hurricane is the center around which everything else revolves. It is empty. Whoever we are at the moment is whoever we are at the moment. Life is unfolding --- there is an intellectual time and an open time. I can never deny the fact that I have a head. I can play lots of roles but there is one central image which I am. I function as wife, scholar, mother, actress, guest - none of which is ME.

Pain will always be centered on yes and no. The thought of giving up everything is often too great. Young people don’t care. If they act in a foolish way (to the world), what is their wisdom? So, if he sets things up so that they happen without his consciously doing them, he is free to live. The better the adjustment, the better the arrangement but this seldom happens because of the uprooting of parts of the Self. That thing that is not painful is what’s natural. Unnatural things are painful.

The path one takes after a major break is not necessarily one’s life’s work. This may just be what is needed to get me to make the break. Acting? Am I fooling myself? I only say that because I am not working. Now is not the time to decide.

One doesn’t have to be searching all the time. Things are happening and one doesn’t have to whip the horse if it’s running already.

I’m too concerned with myself and my own involvement instead of observing people. Get out of myself. Gestalt is still good for me. I have everything in my life except the capacity to quit worrying about the future.

There is no right or wrong; there is just an indication of where one is. Is there no movement? There is always movement. How does the tulip feel when it’s in the tulip bulb? That hibernation is movement that is right for that time in its life cycle. The time of waiting is very valuable. Waiting is movement. If it doesn’t stay in the oven long enough, it won’t be fit to eat.

In other words, don’t just do something; stand there!

Don’t do something just to be doing something or just to be doing something for somebody else. Things happen in their own good time. Don’t waste time pushing when the time isn’t right.

October 12, 1969

It is Sunday. What a glorious day! The sky is so blue. The mountains are so majestic.

I walked before breakfast but was hesitant to spend time alone. At breakfast, I talked to Jim and Dorothy’s daughter. She has her Ph.D. in Psychology. There were lots of good things to eat at breakfast and I had a good talk with John about Darrell. I still feel self-conscious but not as much so. I still can’t breathe. Yet, I am aware of clear, clean air.

One may get a new idea or way of life that is not ready to be lived. But the time will be right if God – the Life Force, if you will, – goes that way. The new birth is the beginning that starts while another cycle is being lived. The peak of the mountain or cycle of life reaches its peak later when another is opening. Chronological age isn’t to the point anymore. It is life cycles.

One experiences adolescence often. And, in the second birth, one is so much younger. If the body is going to get older, something else gets much younger. Body is no impediment when that unity is present. Body and psyche need tuning each day.

I have my own rhythm. I must figure out what it is and flow with it. There are awareness’ and things happening inside me that work even better without my directing them. Let it happen. Be relaxed and flexible and let IT set the rhythm.

I am home now drying my hair. I had a wonderful weekend. Darrell was like a little boy pouting when I got home. He was bored and mad because I had gone away. He wanted to know how often I plan to go away. I got mad and yelled at him.

Why did I yell? I yelled because I want him to be stronger and to have a full life to share with me. It angers me that he doesn’t. He seems weak and insensitive to the nuances of life. I know I have so much to learn and to work at. It makes me mad that I have to cope with this. I know that it will pass and that he will get over this, but I would so love to come home and find him smiling and as glad to see me as I am to see him.

I wish we were going together and experiencing this together. And, I would try to get him to go with me, but I think he would ridicule it. I would then have to defend it, and I don’t want to be in that position. I am still too uncertain of everything myself. I love him anyway. And, Darrell, if you are reading my Journal, I hope you understand.

I threw an I-Ching reading. It says what Ira said: I must be patient and do my thing. I must not push Darrell. I am very vulnerable right now. Psychologically, I am still going round from my last period. Once it has passed, I will get stronger. I-Ching said that a light is burning inside me inside the earth. I know it is there and must not try to force it out. It is not ready to be born.

Ira also said that I have known what it is like to be on top of a pedestal and to topple. That is why I am vulnerable. That is why I must avoid risks. That is why Darrell is so important to me. Later, when I am stronger, I can do more risky things, and they won’t be risky because I will be stable and not vulnerable.

Ira said that I have an organizing ability and a great intellect that will want outlets. He sees me getting involved in the field of theatre where acting is the entrance. He said that I must be aware and know whether it is merely vanity or not. If it is vanity and not just a creative thing, then I can relax and know that is what it is - vanity. Ira said that when I was a child, I was special. There was nothing I could not do. That seed – that specialness – wants to find an outlet in some form. What is it?

Ira said that there will be people I can identify with --- friends for the future. These will be good people. He said that it will be a time when I am not constantly thinking about what people are thinking about me – how do I look, how do I sound, and such. It will be a time when there is not so much vanity, and yet there will be some.

I need to think more about this.

October 13, 1969

All it takes is for Darrell to say that I am too independent for me to get on the defensive. He says it because I do my thing. Just as I conclude I have a good marriage, it blows up in my face. I think that he hates giving me his check. I think he thinks I only write in my Journal about him. All my notes are about him. I’m sure he’ll read this, but I hope not. I hope he will respect my privacy, but I don’t think so.

It’s night now. I stayed home from comedy improvisation to relax and let things sink in. There’s something nice about staying home and piddling. I shaved my legs, plucked my eyebrows, cut my toenails, filed my fingernails – it is a good feeling. I was very depressed all day.

This past weekend left me with many deep thoughts. It is difficult to absorb all of them. Ira’s work will be a slow process. I bought I-Ching and asked it about my depression. It told me to stick to the head --- Darrell.

Darrell and I talked a lot tonight. Darrell is very depressed. He has cried a lot. He is a very unhappy man. He misses Gainesville – the freedom and the friendships. He is lonely. Spirit, take his life and give it meaning. My fantasy is that he will one day decide to move, and I will have an important decision to make.

I had a good rehearsal today. I tried to let go of all vanity and let the Act act. It worked at times. I miss school. My thesis arrived from UCLA. It made me sad. I hate missing that Fellowship by one person. One person! Who knows what would have happened if I had gotten the Fellowship. I would have attended UCLA and gotten my PhD. Life would have been very different. That is sad.

Darrell is wondering where he has failed as a parent. He thinks Craig is impossible because he won’t feed the dogs and he won’t pick up his clothes or towels. He says that Craig is not at all like he was. Darrell thinks that he has to do everything because Craig won’t. Will Darrell ever see what he is doing to his sons?

Why does Darrell make me so angry? Why do I bitch so much? I want him to be someone I can look up to. I want him to be perfect. It makes me angry because he is human.

October 18, 1969

I woke up happy and went shopping. When I came home, I found out that Darrell had read my Journal!

Dream: I was accused of doing something that I had not done and flirting. No one would believe I hadn’t done any of that.

After that, I cried and got terribly depressed and managed to ruin the rest of the day. I went to The Actors Studio to the Mini-Plays and stayed upset.

October 19, 1969

I have waked up frustrated and wanting to be left alone.

Dream: I was at The Actors Studio with John Prince. My face had bandages on it and, as a result, I missed being filmed in a project. Song in my Head: There’ll be spring every year without you.

I am so hurt and disgusted.

October 21, 1969

Image: A geyser is gushing out of the ground.

I spent the day cleaning out my file cabinet.

Dream: I am in a church, singing. I am singing alto but I want to sing soprano. I am new in the group. I get up and leave Alice Knickerbocker Burt, who is visiting, and I join two others with long hair to sing soprano. I like this better. Then it is time to go. Alice and I get a red and a blue hymnal to take home. I am concerned because I think that we are stealing them since we have already taken two hymnals home. I fear that the church won’t have any more hymnals if we keep taking them home.

Dream: I am on a mountain road and the road keeps giving out from under me. I have to stop for gas several times.

Dream: Someone was mowing lawns. I was helping. The lawnmower gave out of gas, and the extra gas tank was empty. I go to get it filled and start to mow again. There are two lawnmowers. One of them is my