Overheard Cubed

By Michael Cornwall

People in cubicles and open offices long for privacy. Overheard Cubed is a chronicling of conversations, epitaphs, narratives and tales eavesdropped, overheard or simply told to me in my workplace, over the period of three enchanting years. I think you will find the things people say, when the believe they are not being overheard, as hilarious and outrageous as I did when I overheard them. Overheard Cubed makes a great bathroom companion. Cheers! and Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Cornwall
• Release date: Jul 8, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370521425

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

People in cubicles and open offices long for privacy and probably get less work done. That this is surprising at all speaks to the current trendiness of open layouts. Overheard Cubed is a chronicling of conversations, epitaphs, narratives and tales eavesdropped, overheard or simply told to me as we go about making a living in our workplace.

OVERHEARD CUBED

OVERHEARD CUBED: I was sitting in my cube, listening to one of my coworkers in a nearby cube having coffee with a friend. The guy was speaking, and what he was saying was so full of life and culture that I had to get it all down, verbatim. (I can type, pretty much, as fast as a person speaks – unless they are from New York).

Each time he spoke, I tapped his words into my keyboard. Whenever he stopped, I paused my tapping. Before long, his speaking was in perfect harmony with my typing – and his pauses were synchronized with my pauses.

I think he caught on.

He whispered, No, I'm serious, (tap tap tap). He whispered, See! (tap) Watch! (tap tap). Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, (tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap).

I think you're right, the woman said.

I know I am, he said (tap tap tap tap).

OVERHEARD CUBED: "Well, honey, I remember this one year, I had just the prettiest Christmas tree you ever did see. I put it up and it was so lovely, all decorated with lights and all that garland and popcorn. I had some Gummy Bears and some gift certificates on there, too.

I was all alone that night when I finished it up. Don was out of town, so I got into my pajamas and made myself a nice hot toddy and sat down on the couch to look at it.

To take it all in.

Goodness, it was so pretty.

It was probably the best looking tree I ever done up.

I turned off all the living room lights, to get the full effect of it, and boy was I enjoying it. I had on a Bing Cosby or Perry Como record. White Christmas or something. Well, wouldn't you know it; all of a sudden I noticed it was starting to lean to one side. I thought I was imagining it, so I just squeezed my eyes together, to focus on it. Then I noticed it moved a little more, and then some more. And all of a sudden, right in the middle of me singing along with the record, it fell right over and landed on the floor.

The lights blew out.

I put my hot toddy down on the coffee table, but it was dark and I missed the table. When I stood up, I slipped on the toddy and landed my knee on one of them Christmas bulbs. The glass went right into my kneecap. Well I had to limp over there to where the lamp was and I stepped on another one of them bulbs. The glass went right into my big toe. When I was trying to get the glass out, I lost my balance and fell backwards right smack on top of that pretty Christmas tree. I got myself up and I dragged myself over to where the lamp was and I turned it on. There was blood everywhere. The goddamn living room looked like a war zone.

That tree was all smashed in. I had to pull it out to the side of the road for the trash man to take away. Anyway, make a long story short; make sure you nail your tree to the wall. You never know what's coming around the corner to scare the life right outta you."

OVERHEARD CUBED: Well, we got married in the nude . . . (I didn’t stick around to hear the rest.)

OVERHEARD CUBED: So, why do you think your neighbors would call social services and report you for child abuse?

They're jealous of my suit case.

Your suitcase?

Yeah, I got a suit case down at the courthouse and they're just jealous of it.

I'm sorry. I'm not following.

I got a suit case. Ain't you ever heard of a suit case? From a car wreck. I could get $5,000.00 for my neck. Now they're just jealous.

Oh, I get it. You have a lawsuit.

No, honey, I got a suitcase. Lawyers wears a law suit.

Hmmmm . . .

OVERHEARD CUBED: I had a dream about you last night.

Wow, really? What happened?

It wasn’t nice. There was a lot of violence.

OVERHEARD CUBED: I think God is punishing me because I’m an atheist.

OVERHEARD CUBED: Moderator: And, with that, if whoever would like –-does anybody have any written comments they’d like to submit?

Mr. __: I’m going to be leaving some.

Moderator: Read them.

Mr. __: I’m going to read them and then leave them with you, if that’s okay.

Moderator: That’s fine. That’s fine.

Mr. __: I will speak and then hand them to you.

Moderator: OK. That be good.

Mr. __: Here I go.

Moderator: Please do.

OVERHEARD CUBED: I went to the movie theatre a few weeks ago. I normally buy a small diet Coke and a small buttered popcorn, before going into the theatre. After ordering and paying, the girl behind the counter said, Enjoy your meal.

ENJOY YOUR MEAL!!!

What are people eating these days