I’m Not Perfect: I’m Only Human

By Darlene Lancer JD LMFT

Perfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. When it helps us, it lifts our mood, and we can achieve significant accomplishments. But perpetually seeking an illusion can have serious consequences. It can become a painful trap from which we’re unable to escape. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships. At worse, it can be a dehumanizing, compromising our ability to feel love and experience joy.

Fortunately, there are concrete steps to overcome perfectionism. This book discusses different types of perfectionists, from positive perfectionists to narcissistic perfectionists, how their relationships are affected, and the common myths they hold. Other disorders, such as OCD are distinguished, and the psychological, genetic, and environmental causes of perfectionism are explained. Examples of typical symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors are described. Ten chapters lay out the steps and detailed exercises to overcome perfectionism and achieve greater self-acceptance. The Appendix contains a personality test and parenting tips to build self-esteem rather than perfectionism.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Darlene Lancer JD LMFT
• Release date: Jun 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370703623

Darlene Lancer JD LMFT

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist. She is a relationship expert and author of "Codependency for Dummies" and "Conquering Codependency and Shame: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You," as well as five ebooks. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after speaker at national conferences, in media, and to professional groups and institutions. Her articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. More information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can subscribe to her blogs and get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Find her on http://www.youtube.com, Twitter @darlenelancer, and http://Facebook.com/codependencyrecoveryHer articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. You can find her blogs at www.WhatisCodependency.com and www.Darlenelancer.com. More information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, www.whatiscodependency.com.

Book preview

I’m Not Perfect––I’m Only Human

How to Beat Perfectionism

By

Darlene Lancer, LMFT

Author of:

Codependency for Dummies

Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem

and Set Boundaries in Difficult Relationships

10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism

How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits

Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness

Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps

Codependency's Recovery Daily Reflections

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem (Webinar)

How to Be Assertive (Webinar)

I’m Not Perfect––I’m Only Human

How to Beat Perfectionism

Darlene Lancer

©2017 Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Carousel Books

Special Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means—electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying), recording, or otherwise—without prior permission in writing from the author.

The information in this book is intended to be educational and not for diagnosis, prescription, or treatment of any mental health disorder. Without a personal, individual, professional consultation with you, the author is unable to give you professional psychological advice. Hence, you understand that the material contained herein is general in nature, and the author disclaims any personal liability, directly or indirectly for suggestions and information in this book.

Printed in the United States of America

Learn more at www.whatiscodependency.com

Table of Contents

PART I UNDERSTANDING PERFECTIONISM

1. What Is Perfectionism?

2. 14 Myths about Perfectionism

3. Types of Perfectionism

4. What It Feels Like

5. The Cause of Perfectionism

6. Perfectionism in Relationships

PART II BECOMING HUMAN

7. Becoming Human

8. Prioritize Your Needs and Values

9. Set Realistic Standards

10. Challenge Your Beliefs

11. Change How You Think

12. Change Your Behavior

13. Create Balance

14. Calm Your Mind

15. Share with Others

16. Love Yourself

Appendix

A. The Big Five Personality Test

B. Parenting Tips

About the Author

Introduction

Perfectionism affects roughly 30 percent of the population and as much as 87 percent of gifted people. It’s on the rise. The American Dream endorses striving for achievement, an ideal mate, a flawless body, perfect family, and success in a school and career of our choice. The media and advertising reinforce this fantasy of attaining perfection, while the actual struggles of life and human frailty go unseen. Romantic movies end with wedding vows––before the challenges of marriage set in. We’re misled by pictures of enchanting resorts with breezy, bejeweled, air-brushed models in designer gowns––actually overworked, starving young girls, who are often exploited. TV shows like the Cosby’s hide the dark character of the real life Bill Cosby. Commercials promise attracting perfect, gorgeous, sexy mates by using their must-have cigarette, cologne, new car, or shampoo.

We aspire to match these images and achievements of people we admire in the arts, sciences, and business. Our imaginations and ambition conjure boundless possibilities to fulfill our desires, but with little regard to our ability to manifest them and our individual limitations. We don’t consider their years of training, effort, experimentation, disappointments, sacrifices, and persistence. The end product is often the result of agonizing trial and error, not instant perfection. It requires the ability to be patient, tenacious, and self-forgiving.

Perfectionism can be a blessing or a curse. When it helps us, it lifts our mood, and we can achieve significant accomplishments and greater organization. But for some of us, perpetually seeking an illusion can have serious consequences. It can become a painful trap from which we’re unable to escape. Its self-sabotaging side effects undermine our goals and creativity and spill over onto our co-workers and loved ones, damaging our relationships.

Usually, perfectionism extends to our appearance, work, home, and family. Things must be in place, and our spouse and children must do their best––according to us. We can’t accept differences in others. Either we negatively compare ourselves or judge others against our idealistic standards. We may even become competitive and undermine our partner’s efforts or successes. When our self-criticism is projected, we make others feel anxious, unappreciated, and unacceptable.

When our self-worth is contingent on attaining impossible flawlessness, perfectionism can also lead to emotional problems. As the title suggests, it can be a dehumanizing, compromising our ability to feel love and experience joy. The anxiety and shame that perfectionism produces have been linked to depression, anorexia, and suicide.

Fortunately, there are concrete steps we can take to be free of perfectionism. Part I of this book defines perfectionism and discusses common myths that perfectionists have. Different types of perfectionists, the cause of perfectionism, and common symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors are described. How perfectionism impacts relationships is examined. Ten chapters in Part II lay out the steps and detailed exercises to overcome perfectionism and achieve greater self-acceptance. The Appendix contains a personality test and parenting tips to build self-esteem rather than perfectionism.

Reading this book without applying the suggestions won’t generate sustained improvement. The guidance of a trained mental health provider can be of significant help. Be patient with yourself. Changing behavior and thinking patterns takes attention and practice. Best wishes on your journey.

PART I

UNDERSTANDING PERFECTIONISM

1.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists believe there’s a specific, correct way to be, look, and act in accordance with their excessively, high standards. They chase an illusion in their mind that may bear little correlation to reality. Attaining perfection feels required, and anything less is insufferable. Their sense of satisfaction, well-being, and self-worth is dependent on it.

Perfectionistic behavior and thinking can be compulsive and obsessive. Repetitive acts and automatic, unwanted thoughts persist without conscious choice or control. This is what makes perfectionism an addiction, meaning we can’t stop ourselves. Like other addictions, it varies in severity and can have negative consequences.

It harms our self-esteem, makes us unable to accept our mistakes and flaws, as well as those of other people. When there’s only one correct standard, differences and disagreements are hard to accept. Intolerance can damage relationships, and perfection-driven behavior can rob us of time with loved ones. Some of us attempt to perfect our bodies with repeated surgeries or pursue athleticism to the point of injury. Perfectionism makes us anxious and can actually cause the poor outcomes we seek to avoid. Severe perfectionism has also been linked to other mental health problems.

A Definition

The Webster Dictionary defines perfectionism as:

A disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.

The Merriam Webster Medical Dictionary adds:

"Especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness."

Having high standards alone doesn’t make us a perfectionist. It’s when nothing short of perfection is acceptable. It’s when we feel compelled to strive to achieve our demands and refuse to accept what is. The disparity between reality and our expectations generates internal conflict, self-doubt, and fear of mistakes that cause suffering and problematic symptoms.

Elements of Perfectionism

Striving to achieve high standards isn’t as problematic as the impact of not meeting them has on our self-evaluation and our lives. Below are components that contribute to perfectionism. They vary both in degree and among perfectionists, but the first four are essential to being a perfectionist:

1. Maintaining high personal standards.

Our high standards are often unrealistic, such as expecting to never get ill or show signs of aging. They’re inflexible, and we aren’t generally receptive to alternative points-of-view. Our requirements often go beyond what is even expected by an external authority. For example, receiving an A on a test, but getting less than a 100 percent correct, would be insufficient.

2. Compulsive pursuit of those standards.

We don’t pursue their objectives on a casual basis. Our goals are in the forefront of our mind and take precedence over other people and activities. The compulsive pursuit of perfection takes on a life of its own––like an addiction.

3. Disallowance of mistakes and failure.

To varying degrees, we have difficulty tolerating mistakes or any shortfall in meeting their standards or those of others. We harshly judge the discrepancy between ourselves and our performance and our expectations. In order to meet them, if at all possible, we attempt to correct or redo things. If we’re unable to, we suffer mental or emotional distress. Some of us consider a mistake as failing, and it affects our overall self-worth.

4. Self-Doubt.

Anxiety about measuring up and doing things perfectly can cause us continual doubt about what we’ve done or whether we’ve completed a task. Even when we can’t find a mistake, we doubt that the quality of what we did was good enough. We worry about our performance and check, double-check, and triple-check. Our concerns can compromise our memory as well as our work, so it takes us longer to get things done. We worry whether we’ll be able to complete or accomplish things. Our insecurity can lead to procrastination or avoidance of trying new things.

A perfectionist complained to me that his self-doubt was extremely time-consuming. He’d go to his office on weekends to double-check his work, even though it didn’t need to be turned in until the following workweek. When he left town, he’d sometimes drive back or call a neighbor to confirm that he’d locked the door. When he packed for a trip, he’d double and triple-check that he had taken his passport and other essentials.

5. Motivational attitudes.

Some perfectionists are motivated by the hope for success. Others are motivated by fear of failure. If we’re motivated by success, we have more self-confidence, take pride in their work, have more positive outcomes, and experience less negative effects of perfectionism. If we’re motivated by a fear of failure, we have greater anxiety and negative outcomes and reactions to imperfection.

6. Attributions (thoughts and beliefs) about perfection, and success and failure.

Attributions reflect how we think about our successes and mistakes or failures. These in turn play a significant role in how we feel and also how we perform. Some of us believe that other people’s acceptance of us depends upon how well we perform. When we believe that others’ acceptance is conditional, we feel greater shame and guilt and less pride. Perfectionists have fixed beliefs about the importance of being perfect and whether their acceptance is based upon their success and perfection.

We also make distinctions in how we view the reasons for our successes and failures. The cause may be seen as internal or due to our effort or skill or external and due to something outside of our control, such as luck or a faulty test or incompetent instructor. Internal attributions for success are associated with high self-esteem and positive emotions, such as pride and confidence. However, internal attributions for failure are often self-critical beliefs and negative self-talk that are connected