Back At The Ranch

By J. R. Duke

Who says family get-togethers can't be fun? This one's a real hoot and a couple of hollers too! A wife chases after her husband with a shotgun, a girlfriend goes after her boyfriend with a butcher knife, and a woman fueled by alcohol comes on to every member of the opposite sex present excepting, of course, her ex-husband. Not only that, the gang's all there back at the ranch to celebrate the engagement of its two youngest members who like the heck out of each other physically, but when it comes to love, whatever that is, not so much. Love sort of still conquers all by the end, although in surprising ways including the birth of a baby, a visit by a ghost, and the unexpected reunion of the two who hated one another the most. What could be more romantic than that?

• Language: English
• Publisher: J. R. Duke
• Release date: May 29, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370042586

J. R. Duke

Much like the narrator of his novel, Doctor Gillespie's Discovery, J. R. Duke lives alone out in the boonies on the big island of Hawaii where life is generally always peaceful and quiet, interrupted only occasionally by volcano eruptions, earthquakes, and hurricanes.

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Back At The Ranch

A Reading Play

By J. R. Duke

Copyright 2017 J. R. Duke

Smashwords Edition

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACT I. Arrivals

ACT II. Loose Lips

ACT III. Shots Fired

To

Jimmy Duke

From

J. R. Duke

What's love, what's love got to do with it?

-Tina Turner

Love's a lot of baloney!

-Jean Harlow, as Eadie Chapman in

The Girl From Missouri

Act I

Arrivals

(Darkness; there are the sounds of traffic noises, cars and trucks in a hurry going somewhere; we begin to see some of these travelers as spotlights pick them out on the way to their destination (they can be represented as just sitting next to one another in the front seat of a vehicle with no other visual clues, or more vehicular details as desired; the driver either has an actual steering wheel or suggests holding one); the first to be seen are Romeo and Juliet: they are a young good-looking couple in their early twenties; he is driving with his left hand, his right arm is around Juliet (as far as a seatbelt will allow) and she is snuggled up against him; she mouths I love you and he replies by mouthing the standard I love you too, then they start making out as aggressively as possible -- kissing, hugging, fondling -- and at one point Romeo gets so distracted by the foreplay that he nearly hits another car; this interrupts them only momentarily and they immediately resume their dangerous, but apparently unavoidable behavior; next to be seen are Stanley and Stella: they are both in their forties, Stella is heavy-set, Stanley is muscular going to flab; he’s driving and she’s sitting as far away from him as she can holding a large suit box wrapped as a present; as he drives he reaches out his right arm to put it around her but she pushes him away; next he tries putting his hand on her knee and she immediately takes it in her hand and puts it back on the steering wheel; next to be seen are Martha and the Cowboy: Martha, driving, is middle-aged, wears too much make-up, and is very obviously under the influence; the Cowboy is much younger, probably a male hustler she picked up, and shares a drink with her from a bottle in a paper bag; she is driving recklessly careening from side to side, drinks liberally from the bottle, and is enjoying herself; next to be seen are George and Mousey: George, driving, is middle-aged, dressed conservatively with a tie, and looks professorial/bookish with large glasses; Mousey, about the same age, also has the same appearance, looking like his female twin; they don’t speak to one another, but their heads/eyes move in the same direction as they observe what’s going on around them in the traffic; next to be seen is Jim: he’s in his thirties, good-looking and well-groomed, and is traveling alone; he is listening and rocking to a Queen CD; all the travelers fade from view and the lights go up to reveal the living room of the ranch: it is huge and nicely furnished with a mix of modern and antiques; there is a front door/entryway to the right and a door leading to hallway on the left; in the center at the back is a large fireplace with a magnificent mantle; over the mantle hangs two things: an imposing life-sized portrait of Jock in cowboy clothes and a shotgun mounted beneath it; in addition to the usual living room furniture there is a table set up with a large punchbowl containing a colorful punch surrounded by a ring of cups and a vase of yellow roses; Romeo and Juliet enter through front door.)

Romeo: Hello -- anyone here? (no response) I guess we’re the first ones. That means we’re all alone. (he embraces her before she’s completely entered and proceeds to liplock her; they come up for air, she walks away, he comes up from behind her and they liplock again; this is a theme for them -- being constantly amorous, they simply cannot keep their hands/mouths off one another, although Juliet is better at self-control than he is, but not much; their physical intertwinings should be so excessive that anyone else watching them would become ill)

Juliet: (walks around taking a tour of the room; he follows, practically attaching himself to her like her shadow) Your uncle Jim sure has a nice place.

Romeo: It’s actually the family ranch -- it belongs to my grandmother. After grandpa died she moved out and started a new life in the city selling real estate. Uncle Jim lives here now and takes care of it for her.

Juliet: (standing in front of the fireplace, indicates portrait of Jock) Is that your grandpa?

Romeo: Yes. He was Jock to everyone else, even his children. But I always called him grandpa.

Juliet: He was very handsome, just like his grandson. (Romeo comes up from behind and embraces her) They say that some portraits have eyes that follow you as you move around the room -- he seems to be undressing me with his eyes.

Romeo: Also just like his grandson. (he nibbles on her neck and a split-second later they are liplocked again and groping one another passionately)

Juliet: (coming up for air) I wish I could have met him.

Romeo: You've met his spirit.

Juliet: (looks around furtively) You mean his ghost?

Romeo: No, he doesn’t haunt this place, he's just still here.

Juliet: What happened to him?

Romeo: The official cause of death was a medical condition most men his age eventually have. Unofficially, it's a whole different story, at least according to the local gossips. Rumor says he died from a lack of sex.

Juliet: What in the world does that mean?

Romeo: It's some urban legend that abstinence causes what he had, which makes it the wife's fault for not doing her duty and inadvertently killing her husband.

Juliet: That doesn’t make any sense at all.

Romeo: Of course not, but people believe what they want to believe. I don’t think they'll ever be saying that about me. (which cues him to resume his necking; she more than willingly accommodates)

Juliet: (coming up for air again) We should stop.

Romeo: Why?

Juliet: (indicates portrait) He’s watching. (breaks away from him, goes to the table with the punchbowl) What’s this over here? Looks like refreshments. (picks up a small sign on the table and reads it) Drink me.

Romeo: That’s the family’s traditional punch -- we have it at almost all our get-togethers. It’s pretty good. (he pours her a cup and hands it to her)

Juliet: Don’t you think we should wait for the others to get here?

Romeo: They won’t mind. (he pours himself a cup) Cheers!

(They clink glasses and take a sip.)

Juliet: Mmmm, you’re right, this is good.

Romeo: It’s more than just punch -- it’s truth juice.

Juliet: (laughs) There’s no such thing.

Romeo: Maybe not, but that’s what my grandmother used to tell us when we were kids. She’d always make a batch on Christmas Eve and then have us all confess things we had done that were bad. And since we were kids and didn’t want to ruin our chances with Santa Claus the next morning there was always something we could confess -- and we did. This stuff works -- it really does make you tell the truth. (they sit down together on the couch and he puts his arm around her) And to tell the truth, this time it’s also making me feel very horny. (he starts kissing her arms up and down, just like Gomez/Morticia, including her armpits; she enjoys it)

Juliet: You don’t need any truth juice to make you horny. That’s your default setting. You’re permanently turned on. The only way to turn it off is a cold shower.

Romeo: (still aggressively nibbling on her) We’ll get to a shower eventually, but it’s not time yet.

Juliet: (doesn’t put up much of a fight) Maybe we shouldn’t get too carried away. Someone could come in the door at any minute.

Romeo: (backs away) Yeah, you’re right -- if we’re getting married it definitely