Creating Your Perfect Family Size: How to Make an Informed Decision About Having a Baby

By Alan Singer

Answers to one of the most important decision a family can make

This groundbreaking book offers answers to crucial questions that have a large impact on family success and well-being. The author has been researching and treating couples for more than twenty years, addressing such critical issues as: When should you have kids? How many and why? Can you afford a family? What's the best interval between children's birth in a family? How does your work life influence how many kids to have? What's the impact of divorce, remarriage and blended families on the decision to have more kids? How does your family of origin, ethnicity, race, culture, and sexual preference influence the choices you have regarding these questions of number and spacing of childbirths.

• Filled with common sense advice for the dilemmas most couples grapple with when starting a family
• Based on solid research from a noted family therapist
• Alan Singer has appeared on the Fox Morning News and MSNBC as well as being quoted in USA Today and The Huffington Post

Invaluable and fascinating, the book includes a wealth of self-tests that helps individuals to customize their own decision making based on their unique background and current situation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Mar 8, 2011
• ISBN: 9781118025536

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1 : Why Do You Want to Have Children?

Understanding Your Motivations

Social Pressures

Your Childhood Experiences

Expectations: Myth Versus Reality

Try Not to Worry—Aim for Contentment

Chapter 2 : When Is the Best Time for You to Have Children?

Your Age Now—and Later

Your Job Versus Your Career

Your Relationship

Physical and Emotional Health

How Far Apart?

Waiting Until Things Are Just Right

Chapter 3 : How Many Children Can Your Relationship Hold?

The Relationship Factor

Be Partners, Not Adversaries

Learning from Experience

Having It All

Chapter 4 : Small, Moderate, Large . . . What’s Your Ideal Family Size?

Real or Ideal Choices About Family Size?

One-Child Families

Two Children

Three or Four Children

Large Families

Family Is Family, No Matter the Size

Chapter 5 : How Do Old (and New) Family Traditions Affect Your Family Size?

Blended Families

Culture and Religion

Families with Special Needs

Adoptive Families

We Are Family

Epilogue

Self-Tests: Family Size Choice

Notes

Selected Resources

Bibliography

About the Author

Index

Copyright © 2011 by Alan M. Singer. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-Bass

A Wiley Imprint

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The contents of this work are intended to further general scientific research, understanding, and discussion only and are not intended and should not be relied upon as recommending or promoting a specific method, diagnosis, or treatment by physicians for any particular patient. The publisher and the author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties, including without limitation any implied warranties of fitness for a particular purpose. In view of ongoing research, equipment modifications, changes in governmental regulations, and the constant flow of information relating to the use of medicines, equipment, and devices, the reader is urged to review and evaluate the information provided in the package insert or instructions for each medicine, equipment, or device for, among other things, any changes in the instructions or indication of usage and for added warnings and precautions. Readers should consult with a specialist where appropriate. The fact that an organization or Web site is referred to in this work as a citation and/or a potential source of further information does not mean that the author or the publisher endorses the information that the organization or Web site may provide or recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that Internet Web sites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. No warranty may be created or extended by any promotional statements for this work. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any damages arising herefrom.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Singer, Alan M., date.

Creating your perfect family size: how to make an informed decision about having a baby/Alan M. Singer.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-470-90031-4 (pbk.); ISBN 978-1-118-02551-2 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-02552-9 (ebk); 978-1-118-02553-6 (ebk)

1. Family size—Decision making. 2. Family planning—Decision making. 3. Birth intervals. I. Title.

HQ760.S56 2011

363.9'6—dc22

2010053642

To my parents (of blessed memory), Rita Rose and Joseph Singer, who are my role models for parenting.

To my wife, Shanie, of thirty-three years.

And to our children, Menucha and Noach, Noam and Racheli, Yedida, and Zahava, who are my inspirations for this book. You taught me how to be a good father.

Acknowledgments

Kenny Miller: The contrarian who battles pessimism with humor, and triumphs.

Ronnie Katz: A connector whose response to a friend in need is to put all of his resources at your disposal.

Marc Singer: My brother the finance wiz, who helped me formulate the financial impact of decisions about family size.

Rhea Basroon: No person I know has more creative ideas and solutions for getting the job done.

Noach Wolfe: My son-in-law, who convinced me and guided me into the world of social media.

Shiri Alyssa: A deepest depths friend who gives support and advice with brazen candor.

Ruben Gotlieb: A friend whose speed in assisting is exceeded only by his black-belt roundhouse kick.

Rabbi Eugene and Dr. Annette Labovitz: The team that launched my spiritual quest, which led to my marriage and children. Thank you for sharing your home and your inspiration.

Dan Benson: A friend who, when asked for a favor, first responds yes and then asks what is needed.

Harry Glazer: Literary peer, author, friend, and maven.

Bruce Arbit: The visionary of Milwaukee.

Professor Yetta Appel (of blessed memory): She singlehandedly rescued me from the label all but dissertation and showed me how carefully one must draw conclusions from one’s data.

Paulina Dennis: For her years of edits, suggestions, and interpretative comments on this manuscript.

The couples: To the multitude of couples who shared their deeply personal stories that are the case histories that form the foundation of this book.

To the parents of children with special needs: You are my heroes!

Mark W. Smith: Author, attorney, and master of the fine print.

Stacey Glick (Dystel and Goderich): As my favorite literary agent, you are a true professional and steadfast guiding light.

The production staff at Jossey-Bass: My thanks to Nana Twumasi, Carol Hartland, Michele Jones, Francie Jones, Sylvia Coates, Sophia Ho, and Joanne Farness, who worked hard to take this book to the finish line.

Alan Rinzler: My editor at Jossey-Bass receives special thanks for his wise input and enthusiastic belief in this project from day one.

Naomi Lucks: Last, but certainly not least, the word sculptor extraordinaire who whipped this book into shape.

I sincerely thank you all.

Introduction

When I was a boy, my father used to say, When all else fails, read the directions. I wish I could recommend that approach for deciding whether or not parents should have another child. But unlike appliances, marriages and families do not come with instruction manuals! Personally, having children has always been a blessing for my wife and me, as we found out with each of our four, and now with our grandchildren.

And that’s fine for me. But . . . how the heck do you figure out how many children to have? How many children should there be in a perfect family? Should you have one, two, three, more? Do you really need to balance boys and girls? What’s the optimum interval between children? And how do you know when to say enough?

The good news is that there is no one-size-fits-all family—there is only the family that fits you and your partner, and whose size you agree on together, one child at a time. This book will give you and your partner insights and information about how to make these crucial decisions, toward the goal of enabling you to have a thriving marriage with children.

Making the Decision That’s Right for You

Today we encounter families whose descriptions are far different from what was thought to be the norm. Blended families, couples first having children in their forties, and single parents are all commonplace. Often we can’t help but wonder which families are the happiest and which are the healthiest. This book will take you step-by-step through the issues that concern you most as you make your decisions about family size.

We’ll look at the commonly cited advantages and disadvantages of having families of different sizes, descriptions of the lifestyles of different size families, and the latest research on family size to date. We’ll also hear stories of the experiences of a wide variety of couples and their decisions about family size. Most important, you’ll get a chance to explore your own thinking and perhaps question some thoughts about family well-being you didn’t even know you had.

How the Book Works

The core of Creating Your Perfect Family Size is a series of comprehensive self-assessment quizzes, which you will find at the end of every chapter. Topics range from issues of physical health, mental health, and work-related stresses to financial situations and obligations and marital success and happiness.

The self-assessments are designed to help you determine what your family can handle based on personal needs, financial pressures, the health of your relationship, and the goals of any family. Their purpose is to inspire meaningful conversation and insight between you and your partner. There are no right or wrong responses; there is only your response and your partner’s response. (You’ll also find the self-assessments gathered together in one section following the Epilogue. Although it will be tempting to turn right to the self-assessments, I hope you will take time to read each chapter first!)

This book is intended for readers in a variety of situations. Perhaps you instinctively want a child, or you always planned on having a family, or you suddenly decided to have a child after watching your siblings, friends, or other parents with children. Perhaps you already know that you want to have a child—or add another child to your family—as you begin to read this book. And that’s all good.

During my entire professional career spanning more than three decades, I have never encouraged a couple to have a child. Having a child does not repair problematic marriages and does not increase marital satisfaction. The desire to have a child must be deep rooted and overwhelming. It is not a matter of keeping up with the Joneses.

Each child is a unique and precious gift. Your care of each child is an awesome responsibility. Use the insights and information you get from this book to determine when to start a family, when to add to your family, and what the optimum number of children is for your specific lifestyle. Whether you decide to have just one child or a houseful, that’s up to you. Think about whether this is the ideal time for your family to grow in size, rather than what the ideal family size is or the number of children you always wanted. This thoughtful approach will help you enjoy the best quality of well-being for you, your partner, and your family, no matter the size.

Above all, talk to your partner, use the questions in the book to clarify your own feelings, consider your responsibilities and resources, then do what’s right for you.

Alan Singer

Spring 2011

CHAPTER 1

Why Do You Want to Have Children?

How can you love so much someone who drives you so crazy and makes such constant demands? How can you devote yourself to a vocation in which you are certain to be made peripheral, if not redundant? How can we joyfully embrace the notion that we have ceased to be the center of our own universe?

—Anna Quindlen¹

Here’s something most parents would agree on: the child sleeping on your shoulder is worth about a billion bucks. Despite the late nights, sleep deprivation, stress, strained family finances, lack of balance between work and home, and other unwanted pressures unique to you only, each developmental step—first words, first steps, first book read—is more inspiring and fascinating than the previous one.

It’s like falling in love. Parents become enthralled with their children’s accomplishments, their tiniest expressions, and the love they give parents in return. Raising a family isn’t always easy, but most of us come to feel that it’s worth whatever time or money or dreams we gave up to make it possible. In short, we can’t remember what life was like before parenthood—and some of us even want to become parents again and again.

Simple and powerful as these motivations are, we make the decision to have a child, to stop having children, or to add to the family for all sorts of conscious and unconscious reasons—emotional, psychological, financial, pragmatic, even spiritual. Sometimes these reasons clash with our real needs, of which we may be unaware.

For most of us, parenthood doesn’t quite work out as we had envisioned. Most of the time, that’s because we base our dream of the perfect family on unexplored motivations and experiences that come into focus only after our children are born.

I’m assuming that you’re reading this book to learn how you can choose the perfect family size for you and your partner. Underneath all the various issues we will address in the rest of this book—timing, small families versus large families, cultural and religious issues, special needs and blended families—is one fundamental question: Why do you want to have children in the first place? The desire to be a parent is not universal and automatic, so . . . what’s your reason?

REALITY CHECK

How Much Does It Cost to Raise a Child?

Hal is a thirty-eight-year-old software engineer married to Kristen, a thirty-nine-year-old graphic designer. They have been married for six years, live in Center City, Philadelphia, and have one child, a three-year-old daughter. When the recession hit, they found themselves struggling financially. Reluctantly, but after much discussion and soul searching, they’ve decided to stop at one child—for now, at least. Kristin explains, If we were better off financially, it wouldn’t even be a question.

It costs a lot of money to provide our children with food, clothing, education, and adequate health care

Reviews for Creating Your Perfect Family Size

[britbrarian · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is a very straightforward guide meant to help couples (and singles) navigate the decision of whether or not to have a child (or in some cases, another child). The author takes the reader through a number of issues that one should consider before adding to one's family. The book is very readable, and meets its goal of guiding readers through the decision-making process. The content is very common-sensical, but lays out topics that many people just don't consider before having a child. It's nothing extraordinary, but I'd recommend it to someone struggling with this issue.