The Tests and Other Forms of Dark Humor

By Bentley Johnson

Have you ever wondered how wild you really are? Well, take the test. If you have an inflated ego? Are conservative or liberal? Well, take the test. Throughout this book I have created a series of tests, preceded by carefully crafted lists, stories, tidbits and jokes designed to make you think or enlighten you. These will create the right frame of reference for taking the tests that follow. All are short--none are more than ten pages long--and--along with the tests--there to give you a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.
So take the test. You'll laugh a lot (and groan a little) but above all, you'll be amused, Who Knows? Maybe when you look inside, you'll discover exactly who you are?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bentley Johnson
• Release date: Jan 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370446674

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The Tests and Other Forms of Dark Humor

By Bentley Johnson

Copyright 2017 Billy J. Tidwell

Smashwords Edition

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailor. Thank you for your support

No none really knows when humor began, or even if it’s exclusively a human trait. I swear dogs have a sense of humor--it’s just crude (pranks mainly involving deposits of fecal matter). I’m certain God does; I’m living proof.

But what use is humor? Does it fill a survival niche? Maybe? It has to if you’re an evolutionist. If you’re not, then God does have a sense of humor.

Laughing at one’s mistakes may be a form of learning, and feeling better about something may in some way prolong one’s life? I think they’ve done studies on this.

But what some find humorous, with others will fall flat. That is the way humor usually is--hit or miss. (Sort of like dog pranks, I guess?) It is hard to hit the mark every time and sometimes even the best comedians fail. I have heard them years later, when they’ve been off the circuit (and therefore out of practice) and found a few of their jokes definitely groaners. Maybe it was me (Years had passed.), but then maybe it was them? I've not done tests or anything.

I believe that the jokes you don’t see coming are the best kind. No matter what they are--bawdry or refined, they’re all aspects of the same emotion. That is what I’ve tried to do with this collection. Humor that you probably won’t see coming.

I’ve tried to keep the jokes in this book from becoming too distasteful but sometimes a good old-fashioned shit joke can’t be beat. And I’m sure there’s a few women out there that are going to hate me. A few of the jokes are base but that’s okay. I happen to like base jokes and I’m sure there are others out there that will also. Some of these jokes are offensive to some people--those humorless bastards--but still others are quite tame. They cover a large spectrum of humor in my opinion, and hopefully, you dear reader, will get a chuckle or two from them--or this may be a dog joke and I’ve stepped it.

Chapter 1 The Conservative

Seeing the car, the vulture on the left was hoping: Please be an armadillo!

The three vultures next to it were hoping: Please be a squirrel!

The next two vultures were hoping: Please make it a cat.

Smallest vulture on the right was hoping: Please let me get there first.

Yohee Jokes

1. Why do Llamas never move when they’re having sex? Because they’re humpless camels.

2. Yesterday, I had two women doing things for me that I have never had a woman do for me before. Two women! My daughter in law cooked me dinner and my wife cleaned the house.

3. The differences men and women have concerning sex and love are just like their masturbation styles … women usually go over the top and men are usually underhanded about it.

4. Every Friday, when I get home, my wife and I play chess.

She meets me at the door and says, Check?

And I reply, Mate?

5. The man told his doctor, Doctor, I have projectile dysfunction.

The doctor replied, thinking he’d made a mistake, No, I think you mean an erectile dysfunction?

To which the man said, No, I’m shooting fine. I just think I’m shooting blanks.

6. Deciding they need more adventure in their lives, two blind brothers go out for a walk one day in their back yard. A little disoriented, they cross into their neighbor’s yard, who happened to be out nude sunbathing. She’d lived there for years and knew they were blind. Both men walk right into her and tripping over her, knock her out. The first man falls and both his hands land right on her breasts. Laughing, he says, I think we’ve just wandered into Jenny’s melon patch. Whereas the other replied, Well, if we have, she sure needs to weed it."

B. S. News and World Report

It’s war! Read the banner outside the capital building today as ten thousand anti-ecology matchers marched on Washington, on benches, on overturned garbage cans, and on homeless people to get their message heard, We care about people!

In response to the rally, Niles Bass, spokesman for the Sierra club, waived a dead fish around like a banner and said in a press conference, We are here to protect these animals from those animals!

Speaking in response to Mr. Bass, on the behalf of all the world's hungry, Christophe Leeds, the leader of SATAN (Slaughter All Those Animals Now!) gave this statement, People need to eat, and cows work well for that.

And war it is! For both sides, gone are the days of intense lobbying of Congress, under-the-table payoffs, and guilt trips. These tactics have been replaced with PAC money and Mac-10 bullets in restaurants.

Though until recently a largely underground conflict fought in the backwoods and back alleys of America, due to the escalation in the violence this conflict has spread to the streets of the urban landscape. The various factions have churned out so-called Eco-warriors; men and women specially trained for the purpose of attacking polluters and polluting companies, and as sources report, offending companies and their support organizations have retaliated in kind.

A new breed of warrior, far more deadly than their predecessors, the days of spiking trees and gas tanks, and chained resistance have passed. Now days, they’re more likely to put dynamite under the hood of an executive’s car than protest him.

Even the mafia has supposedly sent men to be trained, ironically on the side of the Eco warriors, in these new, deadly tactics.

Yoose guys ain’t seen nothin’, Anthony Scarpaci, or Tony Scar, a reputed mob soldier has told us, breaking their infamous vow of silence by coming forward. Forget about it. Them's guys know more than our guy’s and the other guy’s guys together. Can yoose believe it? Mr. Scarpaci has since been unreachable and has reportedly left the country, since a contract by the don’s in all five boroughs of New York City has been placed on his head for using such atrociously poor English and furthering the stereotype of the Mafia figure.

Of late, the death toll has reached epic proportions: 20 Lumberjacks, 2 Doctors, and 12 homeless people for the ecology movement, and wholes species of waterfowl, insects, and 2 bears (not killed in restaurants) and a chicken maliciously ran over while crossing the Sahara club parking lot for the polluters. The Sahara club takes its name as a ironic backlash against the famed Sierra club, named after the Vegas casino, although both names derive from a desert located somewhere in the world.

Brewing for years, the animosity finally culminated last year in what is now being called the Super Fund Ambush. The killing of a clean-up crew of six volunteers at a toxic waste dump in Slugbucket, Alabama, where masked, armed thugs shot the workers down in cold blood, and strewed literature on the ground with slogans like, Whales are good eatin’ too! Save a tree, eat a Beaver! and Only Wussies are Afraid of Toxic Waste!

One of the assailants, later identified by his glowing skin tones, marked loss of hair--what was left of it-- and the sigmoid tumors growing like mushrooms all over his body, was later identified by the police as a highly-placed executive at DAW chemicals. DAW has claimed no knowledge of the man’s criminal activities. Unfortunately, before he could confess, the men’s lips fell off and his tongue swelled up, choking him to death before the police could choke a confession out of him. We thought it was some kind of gang war, one FBI agent stated. Until we learned they were all connected by their hatred for each other.

In retaliation to the jailing of their leader, the ECU (Ecowarriors Corporate Underground) ripped the wings off of 2000 or 3000 Monarch butterflies at their winter home in Mexico. (An exact body count was hard to ascertain due to the large number of butterflies dropping dead due to mating season.)

However, some good has come from this war; major corporations like DAW chemicals, on the INFACT (Information Needed for Accusing Company’s Tactfully) list of worst polluters, has change their disposal practices so that instead of dumping its waste directly into the streambeds of major waterways, they have now taken measures to have the waste democratically distributed to every state in the union besides Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico.

Others have gone so far as to even brand their beef with company logos and trademarks to prove that the animals have been ethically handled. A beef industry executive has told reporters, We, as an industry, like cows. We’re not here to harm them. And in our defense, studies have scientifically proven that the normal lifespan for food animals exactly coincides with the time they’re harvested.

And yet the battle wages on. Will the carnage never stop? Counter-protesters protested in front of the White House in an after-protest protest, most of them from the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.) organization, while across the street in a counter-counter-after-protest protest, PEETA (People for the Ethical and Entertaining Treatment of Assholes), an anti-group to PETA, said that keeping the war going was beneficial to their movement. Oh, yeah, we’ve received hundreds of dollars supposedly headed for those anal-retentive sheep lovers [sic], Karen Hands stated.

And this war may go on for years, until the various groups begin open and honest negotiations to end it.

Come out into the light of day--and use your real names, one executive from the pharmaceutical industry that asked we not use his real name has said.

The President of INFACT said on the subject of the acronym war, The ECU are AWOL when it comes to the FBI doing anything ASAP about the fact that many organizations are hiding behind initials to obscure their true nature.

The US State Department has assured the American people both foreign and abroad that the latest rounds in the Ecowars will not spill over into the general polluter population. We don’t see that happening, PR spokesman, Wade Waters stated in a press release. "Unequivocally,