dc Lampoon's Anthology of Tasteless Humor Done in High Style

By Hunter Thomas

dc Lampoon Anthology of Totally Twisted Humor Done in High Style is a collection of far-out subversive humor that will genuinely make your jaw drop and has already been banned for its outrageous content in 28 countries including the Vatican, which not only banned the book, but also attempted to crucify it.

There was a time kids, when popular humor meant more than LOLcats and people getting hit in the crotch on America's Funniest Home Videos, Inside the dc Lampoon you'll find astonishing, gorgeous, dark-sided takes on; Learning How to Lobby on Capitol Hill, Hillary Clinton Vomiting on Troops in Afghanistan, Congress raising the speed limit to 200 miles per hour, and The Mystery of the Subway Pulled Pork Sandwich.

From artist like Hunter Thomas, CAZ, Ernest Blemingway, Tommy Link, Steve Penna, Gloria Steinmanan and PJ O Rok, , these genius, fearless, hysterical writers bring us a taste of humor and satire of a type that is wholly AWOL from today's scene.

People who forward Onion or Colbert links to each other today will probably be struck dead silent by dc Lampoons Letter to the Dead Girl, How to raise a Serial Killer, or The Homicidal Adventure of Standing in Line at Starbucks,

These guys at dc Lampoon, Hunter Thomas in particular are not dealing with a full deck, but they can write. The humor is beautifully sick, slick, and twisted and there is defiantly something to the style of humor that they are writing, which is as the title explains, Tasteless Humor Done Well

The dc Lampoon Anthology of Humor is a hilarious collection of comedy that picks up where the original Lampoon left off, and makes the Onion pretty thin soup in comparison.

Who in the world has the gut’s to try and take on the old legacy of the National Lampoon Magazine. Well, guess what? These guys at the dc Lampoon may be up to the task, and they have come up with a wickedly funny book to prove it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hunter Thomas
• Release date: May 8, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476352381

Hunter Thomas

Hunter Thomas is a television producer for National Geographic and Discovery Channel. He is also the founder of dclampoon.com and is currently developing the worlds greatest comedy site.

Book preview

A Day in my Miserable Life

Fear and Loathing in DC

Eating Olympics - Stuffing your Face for Gold!

Hacking Around DC

Wedding Announcements

Reality

That’s Not Funny That’s Sick Comics

Signs That You’re Having a Bad Day

Hell on Earth

Strange Turn of Events

Your Money and the Media

Surviving Suburbia - Bathroom Edict

Life at the Bottom of the Barrel

How do you get Rich?

Introduction

dc Lampoon Anthology of Humor

Tasteless Humor Done in High Style

There was a time, when popular humor meant more than LOLcats and people getting hit in the crotch with a football on America's Funniest Home Videos. dc Lampoons Anthology of Humor is a collection of far-out subversive humor that will genuinely made your jaw drop

Inside you'll find astonishing, gorgeous, dark-side takes on Learning how to Lobby on Capitol Hill, Hillary Clinton Vomiting on Troops in Afghanistan, Congress raising the speed limit to 200 miles per hour, and The Mystery of the Subway Pulled Pork Sandwich. From artists like Hunter Thomas, CAZ, Ernest Blemingway, Tommy Link, Steve Penna, Gloria Steinmanan and PJ O Rok, , these genius, fearless, hysterical writers bring us a taste of humor and satire of a type that is wholly AWOL from today's scene. People who forward Onion or Colbert links to each other today will probably be struck dead silent by dc Lampoons Letter to the Dead Girl, How to raise a Serial Killer, or The Homicidal Adventure of Standing in Line at Starbucks, The dc Lampoon Anthology of Humor is a hilarious collection of comedy that makes the Onion pretty thin soup in comparison.

This book is dedicated to my beautiful wife Julie, who puts up with but doesn’t really understand my sense of humor, and my daughters Tara and Nicole, who will have to wait another 10 years or so before I will let them read this.

I would also like to dedicate this book to the memory of Doug Kenny and to all those writers who gave us a few years of some of the greatest comedy ever to be written.

Open Letter to the Dead Girl

Dear Dead Girl,

Yeah, you, the girl whose picture is plastered all over my yearbook. Just because you’re dead. I have a question for you. What makes you think you’re so special?

That’s right. Call me an insensitive bastard. I don’t care. I’m just curious as to why we’re all supposed to look at twelve gazillion photos of you and your friends for the rest of our nostalgic yearbook keeping lives. Why? I wasn’t friends with you. I barely knew you.

You’re not special, you know. There’s a dead girl at every school. And they always dedicate (dedicate) the freakin’ yearbook to her. Because inevitably, she or one of her friends was on the staff and you know how the yearbook staff is about taking pictures. The only picture of me is the one my parents paid $70 for. And my friends? Well, sometimes they sneak into the background of a shot of someone more popular. But dead girl, you got popular as soon as they found your corpse. What gives?

I thought about killing myself. I did. But since I’ve already graduated, I figured it wouldn’t do much good. And I’d have to see even more of your ugly face in the afterlife. No thanks!

My only alternative is to get published elsewhere. In a book or a magazine where nobody knows about you and I can put in pictures of whatever the hell I want! And guess what? Even if someone reads this and gets curious about you, they won’t know who you are because I’m not going to mention your name. So there. In your face, dead girl!

Sincerely,

Me

Horrorscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23 Sept. 22) A family member will apologize for a birthday catastrophe or the catastrophe of your birth. Accept with a smile, then turn them in for food stamp fraud.

Libra (Sept. 23 Oct.22) As always, Libra rules, man! Sensuality and style abound, prompting interested parties to kiss the ground you walk on. So be nice and avoid walking in dog doo. Aquarius involved.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 Nov.21) Learn the difference between being misunderstood and being a big dork. Instead of brooding and acting depressed, try killing yourself. It will make people pay attention!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 Dec.21) Current cycle involves cramps and bloating. Relieve physical tension by emotionally abusing your loved ones. If you’re a man, disregard this message. You’ll have a great day unless someone shoots you in the abdomen.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 Jan. 19) It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Actually, it’s fun afterwards, too. A lost item will be returned just not your vision, ha ha. One eyed freak.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 Feb. 18) Hey, baby. I need ya like water. Can I get some play? That’s what I uh, I mean Libra will be saying to you today if you go ahead and wear that leather outfit. C’mon, please?

Pisces (Feb. 19 March 20) Something smells fishy, and this time it’s not the Whiskas sandwich you had for lunch. Could it be a new one of your unrealistic pipe dreams? News flash: those daydreams may help you tolerate present situation, but won’t pay the mortgage on your double wide trailer.

Aries (March 21 April 19) Your strong opinions are interpreted as being a jerk by others around you. Be careful not to butt heads with superiors today or you’ll get your butt fired.

Taurus (April 20 May 20) Play cards, bet on horses, invest in stocks. It’s your lucky day! You can’t lose, so why not make it interesting? Say, your pinkie finger for the Cadillac across the street? (Note from lawyers: Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Astrological casting is not a reliable predictor of the future. Caz and The dc Lampoon cannot be held responsible for gambling losses. Nine fingered freak!)

Gemini (May 21 June 20) Aries and Cancer play leading romantic roles. You’re not very good at choosing, so don’t! Let them fight it out. It’ll be fun to watch. Afterwards, announce your boredom with them both and find a suitable piece of produce that can really satisfy your needs.

Cancer (June 21 July 22) The moon in your house indicates mental anguish. Redress the situation by telling the offender to put his pants back on and get the hell off your property.

Leo (July 23 Aug. 22) Your customary roar is little more than a meow today. Note: Smoking crack isn’t too good for the ol’ vocal chords. But don’t let that stop you from telling off that ho from across the street. Use body language if necessary.

IF DECEMBER IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Congratulations! You are funny, sarcastic, and often morbid. You hate your boring job and secretly yearn to travel across country on a Harley, stopping only at gas stations and diners whose names include the word Bubba’s, beckoning to you in heavenly neon. Good luck, bro. Your lucky numbers are 270 and 66. Marry a transsexual Pisces late in life. And for God’s sake, take that horrible thing out of your mouth!

How to get a free cup of coffee from Starbucks

From the Staff of dc Lampoon

Times are tough and coffee ain’t cheap! So we here at the dclampoon.com have come up with some sure fire methods for you to get your free cup of morning Joe from Starbucks.

The origins of free coffee

The origins of free coffee can probably be traced back to some loin cloth wearing native starved out of his skull combing the jungle for something to eat. Not having much success, he comes across a black bean growing out of the ground and devours it. Doesn’t do much to solve the hunger problem, but when the effects of the bean begin to take hold his pupils dilate as his eye’s bug out and he feels a jolt of energy coursing through his malnourished body. Because of this, he knows he is on to something good and continues to search for more of the beans instead of the food he desperately needs.

After a while the hunt for the magical beans is no longer a want in so much as it is a need. He is starving to death, but yet, he can’t stop searching for and eating all the beans he can find.

Four days later while feverishly searching for the bean he sees a whole patch of them growing in a patch of jungle weed with a lion lying on top of them. Feeling pumped up from the effects of the bean, and fueled by the false bravado the bean provokes from within, he lets out a roar and charges the lion thinking; Must have beans!

It takes approximately 1.2 seconds for the lion to claw the native into several prime cuts of homosapien steak which the lion and several of his dinner guest begin to feast upon. Problem here is that the lion takes a few bites of the screaming native and is totally disgusted by the caffeine soaked flesh and leaves our founder of the coffee bean lying on the jungle floor where even the fire ants avoid him. The native only now realizes the price he has paid for his caffeine addiction.

What’s the point of this story?

Coffee is a drug, plain and simple. Once you’re hooked, you’re hooked and corporate America knows this. The corporate folks at Starbucks are no exception and know that regardless of all the press they generate about helping the poor coffee bean growers in some far off shit hole country to make a so called living, their number one goal is to addict you and keep you coming back for more. In the corporate world it’s considered the perfect storm of product development and marketing.

Major problem for us caffeine addicted consumers is that the morning cup of coffee at Starbucks is an expensive habit which is hard to give up. Should you find yourself in the position of being short on funds and having to make tough financial sacrifices in which to survive, your morning cup of Java is usually at the top of the list along with other luxury items, like eating breakfast and using real tooth paste that need to be cut from the budget.

The unfortunate analogy that we often overlook is that buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks cost you almost what it cost a crack addict to buy his morning fix. Oh you don’t want to really think about if that way, but in a lot of ways, standing in line at Starbucks is very similar to standing in line at a methadone clinic only the patrons are better dressed.

Anyway, back to the point. What it all comes down to is that coffee ain’t cheap, and some of us can’t afford to buy it every day. But why should a little thing like not having money get in the way of you having your morning cup of coffee? Why should a giant corporation like Starbucks, stand in your way of you getting your fix? After all, it’s they who caused your addiction in the first place. So if you’re down on your luck, and still craving your morning cup of Starbucks brewed coffee there are still free alternatives to obtaining your fix.

Once again, we here at dc Lampoon feel your pain and have studied this problem in great detail. Our writers have all contributed to this article in hopes that it will help you to achieve the goal of getting a free cup of coffee from Starbucks.

Going for the Oscar Method

You go into the Starbucks like you usually do, go up to the counter and order the usual. The important thing here in employing this tactic, is the stall. Strike up a conversation with the cashier about how much you hate the House Wives of Atlanta, and wait till the barista has started making your order. Then you reach into your pocket pretending to search for your nonexistent money. Looking up at the waiting cashier with a sheepish grin on your face and feigning embarrassment, you proclaim that you forgot your wallet.

Result;

In all likelihood, if your act is convincing enough, they will allow you to get your beverage if you promise to and pay for it later. This method works better if there is a long line of caffeine addicts behind you and only at locations where the people kind of know who you are. It also depends on being dressed like you don’t need the charity and putting up a good front. This method works about 95 percent of the time. The other 5 percent of the time you’re usually taken out back and beaten to a pulp by a disgruntled barista.

Beauty and the Latte

If you’re a beautiful blond with a huge rack, then all you have to do is lean over the counter, expose some cleavage and if you’re really creative, drip some half and half cream onto your exposed mameries and ask for whatever concoction your little heart desires while pursing your lip glossed lips. Money is a moot point in situations like this and girls like this, unlike guys can get all the free coffee they desire.

If you’re a guy, then this situation does not apply because guys do not get freebies for exposing themselves.

During our investigation we heard a story about one unfortunate chap who tried the guy version of this maneuver where upon he walked up to the counter with his dick hanging out with half and half cream dripped on it and instead of getting a free coffee he was severely beaten by customers and store employees and then arrested for indecent exposure.

Point here is that a babe with a rack will get the free coffee while the guys will most likely have to resort to licking spilled coffee off the floor. Nobody said that life was fair.

You forgot my order routine

For this ploy to work, you go rushing into the Starbucks and franticly ask the barista where your order is. Since these guys are usually overworked to a pulp and forced to deal with thousands of caffeine freaks every day, they will in all probability roll their eyes at one of their fellow workers for forgetting to call your order and you end of with a free cup of java.

Once again, use this tactic sparingly as it will only work a few times at each location. Once they catch on and depending on the location and temperament of the people behind the counter, it could result in a humiliating ejection from the premises or in the case of doing this at a Starbucks located in New York City, a severe beating.

The handicap sympathy option

If you have sunk to this level then you must be extremely desperate for that morning cup of Joe and our hearts go out to you. Although it is not really that far of a stretch for people to act and behave this way, you must be totally committed to the ploy or it could back fire resulting in serious repercussions.

Here’s what you do. You walk in and act like you are handicapped or suffering from a mental disorder. Franticly waving your arms you strike up a conversation with the cashier about how you woke up this morning with a boner and banged the next door neighbor’s cat. Your coffee will arrive quickly and you will be asked to leave the premises, but you will have your free morning cup of coffee.

But let us also warn you that if for some reason or another that you’re in the middle of this kind of routine and break character, even for a split second, say by looking at a passing set of huge mammaries, there is the strong possibility that you will be taken out back and receive a severe beating resulting in your coffee being taken away from you.

The Saving the Environment Routine

Do you have any idea how much coffee goes into the trash cans at a local Starbucks every morning? The philosophy here is that customers want what they pay for, which is a full cup of coffee. Baristas know all too well the blistering verbal abuse that results in them not topping off a cup of coffee. Sad thing is that most people then walk over to the milk and sugar station and pour off one quarter of the coffee into the trash to make room for their cream and sugar.

The ploy here is to go to the counter and ask for a large empty cup. Then walk over to the place where people put milk in their coffee and ask people for the quarter cup of coffee that they usually dump in the trash. Some people will oblige and you will have a full cup of Joe in no time. Take note that this does not work with Frappachino or lattés. These precious fluids are not considered disposable, and people are not willing to give up one single drop and you will possibly end up with a severe beating for asking.

Fake a Seizure

Go inside the store and fake a seizure. Lie on the ground and franticly flop around. A little drooling goes a long way in legitimizing the act. When the manager of the store comes up and say’s what can they do to help? you ask for a frapichino. This is a fifty/fifty shot that depends on the how well your act is received. Either you will get a free frappie, or a free medical exam by the paramedics followed by a severe beating when it is discovered that you were faking a seizure.

Ask and you might receive

Asking people standing in line if they will buy you a coffee is a crap shoot at best. There’s nothing worse then asking a bunch of caffeine addicts to part with money that they are using in which to buy their morning fix. This usually does not work, and in all likelihood you will receive a severe beating in the process.

The bathroom grab and run

Stand inside a Starbucks and wait till someone gets up and goes to the restroom. As nonchalantly as possible walk over, take their drink and walk out the door. A little cold blooded, but in all likelihood, it will net you a cup or two of free java.

Be aware however, that there are two problems facing you when dealing with this option. One is the unpredictable nature of caffeine addicts. They are usually strung out, and extremely protective of their java. Should you get caught, be on your best behavior and claim that you sat at the wrong table, but in all likelihood, prepare for a beating.

The other possibility is the risk of drinking from someone else’s cup and contracting some sort of unknown disease. One unfortunate soul that we interviewed explained to us how he used the bathroom grab and run option only to discover several days later that he had contracted a rare case of crotch rot of the mouth and had to have his lips amputated.

Dumpster Diving

As a last resort you can go through the cups in the trash and collect what everyone else has thrown away. Problem here is that we’re dealing with an addictive substance that usually people do not discard. Most of the time you see people in Starbucks sucking down their concoctions till the cups implode on themselves. You can give it a shot, but success is not likely.

And there you have it, the dc Lampoon guide to getting a free cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Cheers!

Hunter Thomas

dc Lampoon National Affairs Desk

A Toga Party

No, you stupid bitch, I’m at the mall up north. You’re at the wrong place again, Mallory pecked into her new iPhone 5. Due to her vicious evisceration of her friend via text, she almost ran into an overflowing newspaper stand as she walked with Cynthia and Skylar towards the food court. Although the collision would have sent Mallory spilling onto the floor, and her brand new iPhone (in the teal OtterBox case) sliding across the floor, Mallory’s narrow avoidance goes as unnoticed as today’s newspaper headline:

End of our world: Mars-sized asteroid to strike at 8:55 pm tonight

Ironically, Mallory and those like her, should have been the first to become aware of the asteroid’s discovery. The news was first broken online three weeks ago by Dr. Fleishman of Germany who noticed the asteroid’s path and promptly began making preparations for his last days. Dr. Fleishman always wanted to travel to the Caribbean, especially to Aruba, since he had loved that Beach Boys song since he was nine years old.

Mallory’s world knows nothing of an asteroid. In fact, the only time she has ever heard that term thrown around was in her science gen. ed. which she took her sophomore year of college, if you can qualify her attendance as sufficient for taking anything.

Her (Mallory) world is one of knights and princesses. Not literally, because that would be absurd. Metaphorically, though, Mallory engages in the age of chivalry, honor and respect.

Yo baby, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing. I’m shopping at the mall right now with C and Skylar. I want to go out though.

Well we are having a fatty rager at my place tonight. You should come. It’s a toga party.

(I hear Sophocles sobbing in his grave)

While Mallory, Cynthia and Skylar silently eat their food, it goes unnoticed that their chicken was given to them free of charge. Cynthia taps away at her touch screen as she plays the game of love:

No, I miss you so much baby! I wish I was cuddled up with you in your bed.

Yeah, I like the sound of that baby (semi-colon, closed parentheses)

So what are you doing?

Watching tv. You?

Eating some Panda. I love their orange chicken so much!

Fuck yeah, I love that shit!

On the other hand, Skylar is completely titillated with the scores of last night’s baseball games (he is a fanatical Yankees’ fan, but has no affiliation toward them) and misses Heidi. She was his co-worker for three years, and he thinks she is the one. He has not seen her since they spend all night talking at their mutual friend’s party. (He got her number that night, but Skylar accidentally deleted it) Heidi walks past Skylar carrying a sign which reads: The end of an era, let’s go out with a bang. Her desperate eyes dart from one male to the next, in search of a terminal memory to cap off her existence.

Mallory continues to talk to the same guy. Her coy dance entices him. She knows he is a player, but she loves the attention.

Well, I’m not sure how much longer we are going to stay here.

Alright. You should come over to pre-game with us. Someone has to help us with all this alcohol.

I’m not going to drink tonight though. I’m kinda thinking that I will just stay in.

You sayin you’re going to be lame tonight?

No, I didn’t say that…

You know you’ll have fun when you come. Guaranteed.

As the three socialites begin to walk around the mall more, all three miss the free-for-all smashing at the guitar store. All three would gladly walk a stairway to heaven (or hell) to enact their fantasy of obliterating a thousand dollar instrument; instead they merrily roll along, immersed in conversation. Mallory and Cynthia’s dialogues are interrupted by Skylar typed tongue:

Hey, can we actually stop by Lenscrafters? I have to pick up my new contacts, so I can stop wearing these shitty glasses.

Luckily, the eyewear shop has two comfortable chairs for the girls to sit in while Skylar has to interact with the boring employee (who is a Yankees fan). As luck would have it, Chloe—Mallory’s best friend forever—is at dinner with her family:

He is just so so cute! And he’s been talking to me all day.

So are you going to go to his party? I want to go out tonight. We should both go to his thing!

Well, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind another sexy girl in a toga… she laughs out loud.

(Plato says this is not what he had in mind)

Cynthia’s apathetic stare fails to connote her inner-revelry as she converses with her boyfriend:

No, I love you more babe!

When are you going to get over here sexy thing? I’m lonely

Well I can’t wait to come over there and give you some company.

I can’t wait either.

So what are you doing?

I’m watching the game. You?

I’m at this glasses place cause Skylar had to pick something up.

Cool.

Unfortunately Skylar’s new glasses do not prevent his from running into a woman talking on her cell phone. The collision is a result of the woman thrusting herself out of the bathroom hallway into on-coming foot traffic. Obviously Skylar’s fixation removes him from any blame in the causation of the accident (Yankees up 4-1, bottom of the eight):

Skylar, don’t start fighting with this woman, she just a bitch.

But she ran right into me!