Legendary House of Haunted Hell

By Mr. Satanism

"I sense an unnatural presence in this place... and I'm going to f--k it!" Infamous internet film critic Mr. Satanism sets his sights on the haunted house film, savaging the Amityville Horror series, Sean S. Cunningham's House series (including the elusive third entry), and dozens more, from the celebrated (The Legend of Hell House) to the obscure (Ghostly Revenge; Tragic) to the purportedly true (entirely too many). You'll laugh yourself right into the grave, and who doesn't want that, right?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Inept Concepts
• Release date: May 3, 2012
• ISBN: 9781519959287

Book preview

The Abandoned

(2006)

Directed by Nacho Cerdà

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This flick goes down in Russia, so all the R's in the credits are backwards. So clever! The story's about this ugly twat who visits her dead parents' farm, where she meets some yahoo who claims to be her twin brother. (Frankly I don't see much of a resemblance, except that they both look like men.) Before long they get hassled by zombie duplicates of themselves and the brother is eaten by the floor, but this in no way suggests to our main chick that she should, I dunno, maybe get the hell out of there, so pretty soon her zombie double catches her and... tongues her down. What the fuck? Is there even a word for a person who makes out with someone who is a) the same sex b) dead and c) themselves? If not, I want full credit for inventing it: homo∙necro∙ego∙philia. (Also I think getting it on with yourself counts as incest in some states, but homonecroegophilia has enough prefixes already.)

At this point the main chick finally decides to get outta Compton, but she can't because this is one of those fucktarded movies where people walk and walk but magically end up right back where they started. This, of course, is one of the cheapest, laziest horror movie cop-outs of all time, but what makes it extra pathetic in this case is that it's completely unnecessary: the farm is on an island and we already know that the chick can't swim. Later the brother reappears, everyone goes back in time, pigs eat the brother (is there anything that won't eat this guy?), there's a big twist that might be a shocker in an alternate universe where anyone cares, and this miserable bucket of cunt vomit finally ends when the main chick drives a truck into the river.

You know that infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters who eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare? I think this might be one of their earlier efforts.

An American Haunting

(2005)

Directed by Courtney Solomon

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"Allen Semen Productions"??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, Allen Zeman. It's still a little funny though. Seriously, you know that's what they called him in high school.

Okay, the bulk of this flick takes place in 1817, so why did they feel the need to tack on an introduction that happens in regular times? What, were they afraid modern audiences wouldn't relate to a movie that goes down entirely in the olden days? Please. People are always blathering on about the olden days. Hell, some people never shut up about 'em: Back in my day, blah blah blah, you could get three dozen donuts for less than fifty cents, blah blah blah... So fucking what? Who needs that many donuts anyway? What are you, hypoglycemic or something? At any rate, the story's about this guy who rips off some old bat in a land deal, so she lays the curse-down on his family and suddenly ghosts are popping up everywhere - on the grounds, on the roof, in the cute teenage girl's bedroom... Mostly in the cute teenage girl's bedroom, actually, a narrative decision I wholeheartedly approve of. It's nothing you haven't seen before – especially if your house is built on an old Indian burial ground, or you spend your spare time baiting the Devil – but there's a nice balance of low-key spookiness and over-the-top Exorcist-style shenanigans, plus a pretty boss horse & carriage accident, so it's definitely worth checking out. I'm not sure what makes it so American that this has to be reflected in the title though. Sure, it all goes down in the U.S. of A., but so does a lot of shit. It's not like the ghost was flying around wrapped in an American flag while launching fireworks out of its ass.

The Amityville Horror

(1979)

Directed by Stuart Rosenberg

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Ah, The Amityville Horror. A classic. Oh, wait, sorry, what I meant to say was, a boring piece of shit why do so many people like this stupid movie??? Seriously, it's fucking terrible. Now I wasn't there so I'm not gonna accuse the folks it actually happened to of being FUCKING LIARS WHO MADE IT ALL UP or anything, but once you get past the fact that it's supposedly a true story there really is nothing to this flick. The house is full of flies, the toilets are plugged up, nasty-ass goo leaks out of the walls, people from church can't stand the place... Big whoop. It's about as supernatural as my first apartment. I do like how the head of the family keeps bringing up how broke they are though... it's practically the running theme of the movie. It's almost like the cat who wrote this was hinting that these people would do just about anything for a little extra bread, like maybe even perpetrate some crazy hoax or something. I'm just saying. The only good parts are a pre-hag Lois Lane doing stretches in her panties, the scene where the dad steals a book from the library (I love gratuitous theft), and the music which – props – is pretty damn creepy. Other than that it's dull, dull, dull and totally fucking lame. In fact, the sequel and the remake are both ten times better. How many movies can you say that about?

Amityville II: The Possession

(1982)

Directed by Damiano Damiani

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Before we get started, let's get something straight. Prequel is a made-up word that means a sequel about shit that went down before the stuff in the previous movie happened. For example, all those crummy new Star Wars movies are prequels, but Jaws is not the prequel to Jaws 2. You see how it works, dipshits? I swear, the next time somebody screws this up I'm gonna shove the business end of a plunger up their ass and work it 'til their eyes implode.

Okay, so, this movie is the prequel to Part 1, and it's so much better than its predecessor you'll probably think Netflix sent you the wrong movie. Seriously, it has incest (brother-sister, and trust me, if the chick in this movie was my sister you better believe I'd hit it), church bashing, prayer book destroying, domestic violence... and that's before the main kid brutally murders his entire family. You feel dirty just for watching it. And the ghosts are really on the ball this time around - instead of going through the usual motions and freaking the whole family out, everything they do is calculated to specifically piss off the dad, who proceeds to go ballistic on everyone else which creates like this endless cycle of violence. It's fucking brilliant and way smarter than your average haunted house flick. After he wipes out his family the main kid is arrested, but the family priest breaks him out and takes him back to the house so they can have a gory, completely out-of-control exorcism. It's