66.6 Absurd Movies About the Devil

By Mr. Satanism

In 66.6 Absurd Movies About the Devil, infamous supervillain-turned-Internet film critic Mr. Satanism sounds off on over 65 movies about the Prince of Darkness, from misguided multi-million dollar sequels to Eurotrash sleaze to home-grown straight-to-DVD disasters, and whether you believe in the Devil or just like banging girls dressed as him on Halloween, you'll laugh yourself sick as he finally gets his due for atrocities like Omen IV and Abby (AKA the black Exorcist). Oh, and then there's that whole "personification of ultimate evil" thing he's got going on. He should probably get called out for that too.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Inept Concepts
• Release date: Apr 10, 2012
• ISBN: 9781533794949

Book preview

Introduction

Let's face it, we're predisposed to like the Devil. He was the first rebel, kind of like James Dean only as we'll see he managed to star in way more than three movies. Some of them are pretty fucking good too,  like The Exorcist and Exorcist III: The Thirdening (or whatever that one was called), and plenty more are totally awesome without being any good at all, like The Killing of Satan, The Tempter, and Nude for Satan (probably). Most of them, though, are just ridiculous, because let's face it, the whole idea of the Devil completely lends itself to ridiculousness. I mean really, how sociopathic do you have to be to blame everything you do wrong on some imaginary being who was primarily invented to scare children and especially-impressionable Christians? He's like the Family Circus's Not Me gremlin for adults.

To follow, you will find reviews of over 65 absurd movies about the Devil, his demon buddies, his followers, and the various bastard children he's been responsible for over the years. Oh, and one about his dog. Some of these (about 66.6%, as it works out) have been culled from my former website, mrsatanism [dot] com, but there's plenty of new ones too, and the old ones have been reworked for extra hilarity, so if you're a fan from way back don't feel like you're getting ripped off or anything. You should be way more offended that I threw this entire book together over a weekend, while I was drunk. Hey, it's a living.

Abby

(1974)

Directed by William Girdler

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This black professor is doing research on an evil cult, and his black students want the down-low on all the wild stories they've heard about it. What credence can you give to these miffs? asks one brother, in flawless Ebonics. Along the way the professor manages to free this demon that possesses his daughter-in-law (black), and pretty soon she's getting funky on the dance floor and occasionally killing people.

It all sounds passable enough, but the problem with this flick is that it wants to play the sleaze card without actually delivering on the sleaze. Oh, the possessed chick macks on everyone in sight, swears a lot, and at one point kicks her husband in the dick, but there's no nudity or gore at all! Even the big exorcism scene, which goes down in a club that belongs to one of the main guys' friends (also black), is super tame and pussified, although I would like to see the look on the owner's face when he comes back to find all his liquor burned up, his jukebox exploded, and his disco ball in a million pieces behind the bar. Seriously, they couldn't drag possessed bitch outside and conduct their business there? I sure hope that nigga's insurance policy includes an exorcism rider. Also featuring fried chicken eatin', church goin', carjackin', and all the other shit that black people supposedly like. How they left out a scene where everybody eats watermelon while performing a drive-by is beyond me. In short, it's totally racist AND a ripoff, and if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's a fucking ripoff. Screw this lame-ass movie.

Oh, and extra points off for not calling it The Blaxorcist.

Advantage Satan

(2007)

Directed by Sean Byrne

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This is actually a short, which means the only place you're likely to see it is a film festival, or possibly on IFC at three o'clock in the morning. A hipster dork and his girl (warning: she has a fat ass) are fooling around on the tennis courts one night when they get attacked by what appear to be Pillsbury dough dogs. The next day a guy sporting McDonald's gear (what the fuck?) shows up to play tennis, finds their bodies, and then gets hassled by the kids from Village of the Damned. The end. It's utterly pointless, makes zero sense, and the dough dogs are cartoon effects.

Someone has a very bright future with the Syfy Channel.

Ba'al: The Storm God

(2008)

Directed by Paul Ziller

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Ba'al isn't really the Devil, but he is a pagan god from Bible times, which is close enough. (See? That .6 in the title isn't just a gimmick.) His movie begins with a fairly decent heist scene. The target: some scrolls needed to locate four amulets that will resurrect, you guessed it, our boy Ba'al the Storm God. And why would anyone want to do that? Kicks just keep getting harder to find, baby. The full process involves running all over creation solving ancient riddles, some of which I'll totally admit I couldn't make heads or tails out of. "The word for 'rage' is chemah, which means 'unseen', somebody explains at one point. So which does it mean, rage or unseen"? Normally I'd jump all over a line like that, but this flick has been pretty smart up to this point so just this once I'm gonna assume that I'm the one who missed something. Whatever the case, it's not long before things are completely out of hand: the good guys are in jail due to a frame-up, the bad guys are on the loose and consolidating their dickishness, and ol' Ba'al has whipped up a pair of a Category Kiss Your Ass Goodbye nor'whatevers that are going to destroy the world. Starting with our landmarks, of course. Aliens and natural disasters have a real knack for recognizing and taking out the landmarks. It's a passable mash-up of Indiana Jones, a disaster flick, and Universal Studios' Poseidon's Fury attraction that won't win any awards, but probably won't piss you off either. And in the end, that really is the best compliment you can pay to anything.

Bad Connection

(2005)

Directed by James Patrick Dillon

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You know, I've always associated women stumbling around, swilling hooch straight from the bottle, and gobbling loads of pills with good times. That's not the case here, though