The Not-At-All-Cleverly-Titled Book of Dragon Movies

By Mr. Satanism

Mr. Satanism, the movie critic who takes no prisoners, presents fifty(ish) reviews of dragon movies, from the classic to the obscure, so that you can sleep soundly knowing that you'll never have to suffer through a bad dragon movie again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Inept Concepts
• Release date: Feb 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781386507307

Book preview

Generic Introduction

Mr. Satanism, the movie critic who takes no prisoners and fears no celebrity's wrath (eat it nightly, Suge Knight), presents fifty(ish) reviews of DRAGON MOVIES at a special low price, in this former Amazon exclusive. Why am I being so uncharacteristically generous? Well, the hope is that you'll laugh so goddamned hard that you'll buy my many, many other books, most of which are much more expensive, naturally. It's called a loss leader, but rest assured, you've got nothing to lose by checking it out: all the care that goes into compiling and producing my longer books has gone into this one as well. By which I mean I was sober most of the time.

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Featured Films: Age of the Dragons (2011); Basilisk: The Serpent King (2006); The Crown and the Dragon (2013); Curse of the Dragon Slayer (2013); Dawn of the Dragonslayer (2011); Dracano (2013); Dragon (2006); Dragon Crusaders (2011); Dragon Dynasty (2006); Dragon Fighter (2003); Dragonfyre (2013); DragonHeart (1996); DragonHeart: A New Beginning (2000); Dragon Hunter (2009); The Dragon Pearl (2011); DragonQuest (2009); Dragonslayer (1981); Dragons of Camelot (2014); Dragonstorm (2004); Dragon's World (2004); Dungeons & Dragons (2000); Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness (2012); D-War (2007); Earthsea (2004); Eragon (2006); Fire & Ice (2008); The Flight of Dragons (1982); The Flying Serpent (1946); George and the Dragon (2004); Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster (1964); Goliath and the Dragon (1960); The Hobbit (1977); Hydra (2009); Jabberwock (2011); Jabberwocky (1977); The Lair of the White Worm (1988); The Magic Sword (1961); Merlin: The War of the Dragons (2008); The Neverending Story III (1994); Orochi, the Eight-Headed Dragon (1994); Perseus the Invincible (1963); Pete's Dragon (1977); P-51 Dragon Fighter (2014); Q: The Winged Serpent (1982); Reign of Fire (2002); Soul's Midnight (2006); Wyvern (2009); and more!

Age of the Dragons

(2011)

Directed by Ryan Little

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A dragon dry-roasts a black man and kills his sister, and of course the narrator takes great pains to point out that this dragon is white, because the mainstream media always has to play up the race angle. Still, it's clear that this honky dragon has got to go, so the task falls to a bunch of characters lifted from Moby Dick, including Ahab's hot-ass kung fu daughter, who I really don't remember from the book, but then I only read the Cliff's Notes and I can see them leaving that out, just to fuck with people. It would be just my luck to get the teacher who bases the entire final on the kung fu daughter.

At any rate, Moby Dick by way of your former high school dungeon master isn't the worst gimmick to hang a movie on, and this manages to comport itself fairly well for a while (it's hard to go wrong steal-tweaking highly-acclaimed, public domain shit, as long as you're upfront about it, because the core material is essentially critic-proof). Eventually though every person who watches this movie will find himself asking the same question: Why am I watching a dragon version of Moby Dick when I could just be reading the original Moby Dick? Or better yet, getting drunk at the bar with cute education majors and leaving it to them to read boring-ass Moby Dick? It's a question with no good answer, relegating the movie that prompts you to ask it to that weird, grey area reserved for movies that are too good to be bad, but too pointless to really be good. Still, at least it wasn't another historical fiction/classic novel/zombie mash-up. Who isn't sick of that goddamned shit, am I right?

Basilisk: The Serpent King

(2006)

Directed by Stephen Furst

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If you've ever read Pliny the Elder or the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual you know that a basilisk is a snake that has the power to turn people to stone. The basilisk is also known as the king of the serpents, which as far as I'm concerned makes it close enough to a dragon proper for the purposes of a book that, as it turns out, needs significant amounts of padding. Ha ha! I'm kidding! It's labor of love, I swear. Anyway, in this crap-fest they unearth a real live basilisk that, naturally, goes berserk and starts killing everybody. It soon turns out that the only thing that can stop the basilisk is Serpentor's staff, but unfortunately some twat stole that so by all indications the world is totally fucked. Pretty much everything about this movie sucks: the monster is a cartoon effect, it relies on fake-looking cartoon gore, most of the chicks are mediocre, none of them get naked, and, worst of all, every opportunity to introduce something cool or interesting to the mix is dismissively squandered. Take the part where the basilisk finds its way into a shopping mall, for example; an angry super-powered monster rampaging through a crowded shopping center should be a real spectacle, but all this underachiever manages to destroy is a single table and one potted plant! I've done more damage to the mall on any number of occasions, and I'm just one guy with a cordless drill. And what's with the part where two people trick the basilisk by pretending to be department store mannequins? I guess this scene is supposed to be funny, but for my money it would've been a lot funnier if the basilisk ate both of those stupid assholes while they reflected on how dumb they were for assuming that a wild animal wouldn't be able to smell them out, no matter how still they were standing. Or maybe basilisks can't smell, and the gigantic nose this one is sporting is just there for ornamentation, like with Jewish chicks. There was one potentially cool bit where someone accidentally shoots a hole in a tank of liquid nitrogen or something and the guy wearing the tank flies through the air, smashes into a building, is flash-frozen alive, and then shatters into a million pieces, but since the entire sequence is yet another terrible cartoon effect it's more impressive in theory than in actual practice. You have to take what you can get from these shitty Sci-Fi/Syfy/Syphilis Channel movies though, so lets all agree to call that the high point of this one and just move the hell on.

The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle

(2013)

Directed by Anne K. Black

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You know what? If you're gonna make your movie title this goddamned long to no real purpose, you should just take the fucking plunge and go fully 18th century on that bitch. Back then it wasn't at all unusual to saddle a book with an endless title like Mr. Satanism, or, The Adventures of