Clarity

By Barbara Speak

Left with a decision she never thought she would have to face, Sadie Warren knows someone's heart will be broken, and no matter the outcome, a piece of her own heart will break as well. Both men have shown her a different side to love, but to find true solace she must make the ultimate sacrifice and walk away from the man who promised her the world. But will her heart lead her down the right path, or will regret consume her with what could have been?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barbara Speak
• Release date: Mar 30, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310778964

Barbara Speak

I never felt I had time to read until one day my sister in law threw the Twilight saga at me. She demanded I give it a try and a new reader was born. An obsession would be a better word for it. While I still love a good YA book from time to time, contemporary romance is where I have found my home. Living through a characters life in real situations draws me in and holds on to me. One day an idea came to mind for a book I had not seen out there yet. After the first few chapters, I was hooked. Finding Solace was written in less than seven weeks. I just couldn't stop once I started, and have yet to stop since.

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CLARITY: Book Three in the Finding Solace Trilogy

BARBARA SPEAK

CLARITY: BOOK THREE IN THE FINDING SOLACE TRILOGY

Copyright © 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 by Barbara Speak

SMASHWORDS EDITION

This book is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. Any reproduction or other unauthorized use of the material herein is prohibited.

Disclaimer: The persons, places, things, and otherwise animate or inanimate objects mentioned in this novel are figments of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything or anyone living (or dead) is unintentional.

Chapter 1

After I got out of my car and got to the door of 51, I paused. I can do this. I have to do this. I can't do this. I can't hurt him. I have to. When I opened the door, he was sitting at the front bar. As soon as we made eye contact, a smile spread across my face. What ever happened, this man gave me some great memories.

Hey, girl, that didn't take long. 

He got up from his seat and came at me with open arms, having no idea what was about to hit him. I raised my hands to stop him, leaving them to rest on his chest.

Colt, I had my decision made a long time ago. I just didn't know it until you came to my house today. I have loved you for so long. Through the good and the bad, I have loved you. I will always love you.

His eyes met mine, and the way they moved back and forth it was as if he was trying to see into me for answers.

Why does this sound too good? Like you’re about to break my heart?

One deep breath in and I let it all out.

"Because I am about to break your heart. Colt, you are so amazing. You’re everything I thought I wanted. That's even wrong. You’re everything I needed at the time. You were my support, my rock, my best friend, my sex God. There wasn't anything you weren’t, except for mine. We made a foolish agreement. For two years. That is a long time. Even then, the last time I slept with you, Colt, with that stupid agreement intact, I know you were telling me you loved me. You let me feel everything you had in you. And you still left. Why wouldn't you have asked me to go with you then? I would have. I'm not trying to say that this is your fault. Do you have any idea how many times I thought about confessing my feelings? I failed too. I'm not saying we couldn't have worked. What I need you to understand is that I have to see where Ash and my story goes. He and I deserve a real chance. He loves me, Colt. You told me I would never find what we have, and you were right. What I have with Ash is so different, but it is just as special. I owe it to Ash and myself to give it my best shot. Can you understand that it’s not because I don't love you, but because I'm in love with him?"

He grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes and said, You really were never mine, were you?

You held my heart, but never claimed it as yours. So the answer has to be, no, I wasn't. But I always felt I was.

Sadie, please think this over. You and I have always been perfect together. I could make you never think of Ash again.

You’re right, you could. And I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing him. If it turns out to have been a mistake, then it was my mistake to make. I love him, Colt, so much. I never wanted to hurt you, and I'm so sorry that I did.

You need to do whatever you think is the right choice. Don't worry about hurting me. Paybacks are a bitch tenfold. I'm just kidding, girl. I wish things could have turned out different, but I knew it was a long shot right now. I still feel like you will one day be mine.

Don't hold on to the hope, but remember, what's meant to be will be.

Corny, Sadie.

But very true! I leaned over to him and kissed him. Not anything crazy, just a soft, gentle kiss. Then I pulled back and said, I need to go find Ash. I'm sorry, Colt. I love you, always will.

I love you too, beautiful, and I am never giving up. When he screws up, and he will, you come find me.

If that day ever comes, you will always be the first person I think of. 

One last hug and I was out the door. I got in my car and sat there. Did I, Sadie Warren, really turn down a wedding proposal from Colton Jennings? I did, and I was going to find the man I am going to love forever.

***

I went to his house, and he wasn’t there. I drove by his parents’, sister’s, Kaleb’s, even Tony’s. I didn’t want him to know I was coming. But how do I accomplish that if I didn’t know where he was? I went everywhere I could think of. I was on my way back home when I passed the firehouse and saw the Camaro. I loved that car almost as much as the man who drove it. I pulled around back and parked next to it. I had never been to the house with him. I wasn’t even sure it was appropriate to just show up unannounced. I walked around to the front where the doors to the garage were and heard a whistle. I was on a mission to find Ash, so I didn’t even look for the source. Then another one was heard. 

Then a couple cat calls mixed in with the whistles, followed by, Damn, let me get myself between those thighs, I could eat for days. Okay, I had had enough. 

I spun around aggravated but knew throwing attitude would get me nowhere and said, Has anyone seen Asher Williams?

Not one man answered me directly. I just got to hear, Figures. 

That explains it.

Why do the hottest girls go after the pretty ones?

Have you seen him or not? I was getting annoyed and couldn’t keep it in any longer. I waited for any of them to answer and when I didn’t get one, I turned around and left. I began to cry again. 

This day is the shittiest day ever! 

***

I drove back over to Tony’s, threw it in park, and ran into the house. He was on the couch in his family room watching TV, barely taking notice to me. 

He looked up at me and said, First things first. Knocking is something you need to learn how to do. Then he was off the couch and I was in his arms. 

Aw, Tony, so much shit has happened!

Oh, girl, Colt stopped by here. He told me to take care of you and make sure you were okay, and to call him if you weren't.

I pulled back to look at him.

So you know?

He pretty much gave me the short version. Men don't do details like you women do

It was awful, Tony! I have waited forever for today. Then today comes and I turn it down? Am I crazy? I went to find Ash and couldn't so...

Wait, Ash knows?

He doesn't know every detail, as you put it, but he knows Colt was here. I told him I wasn't sure I could move in with him and he knew it had to be because of Colt.

So let me get this straight. Your lease is up tomorrow, and you told the man you were going to move in with, you can't. Then you told the man who proposed, no. Where are you going to live?

I don't know. I tried to find Ash, but the guys at the firehouse were assholes. His car was there but I never saw him. Tony, I need to talk to Ash. I need him to know I choose him.

I can't believe you did, by the way. Not that I think you made a mistake, I just thought for sure Colt was the one you would have picked.

Why?

Because for some crazy ass reason, you always put up with whatever he was willing to give you. Now that he finally has his shit together, you say no? Doesn't make much sense to me.

I sat down on the couch and thought about what he just said to me. Had I always really just waited for him to determine how my life would turn out?

Colt was more than that to me. He always will be. He taught me so much about making hard decisions for myself. That was the hardest one yet. In a way, he prepared me for this. I love Colt and always will, but I'm in love with Ash and I need to find him.

Maybe you have finally grown up. I'm proud of you, girl. You do need to go talk to Ash. See what he wants. Then you have another decision to make.

My decision has been made regardless of the outcome. I want Ash.

Then why are you still here? He moved over to me and took my hand. I was standing again and being led to the door. 

If for whatever reason it comes down to you needing a place to stay, my house is yours for as long as you need it. 

I leaned forward and kissed him. I pulled him into one last hug. Thank you. You’re the best.

I know. I know. Now go.

I was walking out the door when I turned around and said, How am I going to find him?

Don't take no for an answer.

Good advice.

Now go.

Why are you trying to get rid of me?

Because if I don't now, I might have you permanently here. Now go!

He was smiling but I got what he was saying. I blew him a kiss and got back in my car. Was I really going to go back to that firehouse? If it meant finding Ash, then I would walk through fire. 

I drove back over there and parked next to his car again. That time, I waited outside. One of the firemen happened to walk outside and noticed me. I felt silly just standing there. I hadn’t looked in a mirror in hours, but I knew I was a fright to look at. 

He approached me and kindly said, Can I help you, ma’am?

My name is Sadie Warren. I'm looking for Asher Williams. This is his car. Do you happen to know where I can find him?

Well, it is nice to meet you, Sadie Warren. I'm Mario, Ash’s Captain. He went on a run a while ago. House fire in the east block. I just got word that they got it under control a little while ago. The truck should be back within the hour. Can I get you anything while you wait or would you like to just come back then?

Thank you so much, Mario. I will wait, but I don't need anything. I can just stay here until he gets back.

No, no. I insist you let me give you a tour at least. You can see how the real men live.

That would be great. Thank you.

My pleasure, follow me.

I walked behind the captain through the garage doors I attempted to go through the first time. The same men were there. The one with the foul mouth came at me again.

You come back to give me that snack?

I didn’t have time to think of a response. Mario grabbed him and said, Would you like hose duty for a month, Simmons?

No, sir.

Then keep your mouth shut. That goes for the rest of you assholes as well. This woman is my guest, and you will treat her with respect. Her name is Sadie, and you will address her as such.

Hello, Sadie, came out in unison.

Hello, boys. I waved uncomfortably. I wanted to run out of there, but I needed to stick it out if I was going to see Ash. Mario took my hand gently and led me through a break room where he explained that the guys would hang out there before or right after a call. Then I followed him up the stairs into a full kitchen/family room combo. The bedrooms were not what you would consider nice, but they were sufficient for sleep. The showers left nothing to the imagination. This is how the men that risk their lives for us are forced to live while on duty? It seemed sad. 

Mario asked me when he was done with the tour, So, what do you think?

Could I answer him honestly? No.

I think it’s nice.

"Nice would be the word I use to describe your comment. This place is a shit hole. But it’s our shit hole." 

A loud noise was coming from outside when he said, Well, it looks like your prince has arrived earlier than I thought. Let’s go greet him, shall we?

I was suddenly very nervous. Would he be mad that I was there? Mario looked at me and could obviously tell I was not excited to go.

"Sadie, you’re all he talks about. You have no reason to think anything other than a smile is going to come from that boy. Besides, he is one of my favorites, you just can't ever tell him I said so. He has more potential than most that come through here. I wouldn’t let you in here if I didn't already know what that boy thinks of you. You’re his heart. Just don't break it, okay? You break it, you break him. That just won't do."

I won't, sir. He owns my heart as well.

Good to hear. Now let’s go surprise Ash and make his day.

He walked down the steps and I followed with a half-smile. What if he thought more about it and decided I was too much to take on and not worth the risk? The last time I talked to him, I was doubting my feelings for him. Why? I don't know. He really was everything I had ever wanted wrapped in one perfect-looking package. When we got to the bottom of the steps, there were men dressed in full firefighting gear shuffling around everywhere. Soot covered them so it must have been one hell of a fire. Lots of eyes shifted in my direction. Surely because there was only one female in the mix and that was me. Not one of them made a derogatory comment. I was sure it was thanks to Captain Mario who was standing by my side. Each one filtered off, and I never once saw Ash. That was until Captain tapped my arm and then pointed behind the truck. Walking slowly toward me was a very leery Ash. He did not wear the smile I was looking forward to. He was as nervous as I was. I had never seen him look so sexy and he was covered in black soot. The clothes he wore looked heavy, but he carried them well. No wonder he needed that eight pack. Everything in me wanted to throw myself in his arms but I needed to see if he was ready for that. I didn’t realize I was shaking until he took my hand, but his eyes never left mine.

What are you doing here, Sadie? 

I did not know how to answer with a crowd watching. So I went with my heart.

I came here for you, to talk to you. Can I, please?

He didn’t stop looking into my eyes but his mouth or body never moved. It was like he was trying to read what I was about to say. Then he spoke.

I would rather you not. This is my job. I don't want to do this here. Please go, and I will come by your place later.

I can't. I can't go one more second without telling you...

No. Not here, please. I will see you later, Sadie, goodbye. And then he walked away from me, leaving me in a crowd of men and one sorry Captain Mario. 

I turned to the Captain and said, Thank you for your kindness. It was nice meeting you. 

I didn’t wait to hear if he or anyone else said anything. I walked out of the station and to my car trying to hold back tears that wouldn’t listen to me. I wiped under my eyes, got in, turned the ignition, and gunned it out of the