How Not to Open a Bar: An Owner's Cautionary Tale of Misfortune

By Colin Hood and Brennan Reed

There are thousands of “How To” books that guide readers through the perilous journey of opening a bar. This is not one of them. From hidden costs, to unruly customers, to the many Orwellian-like agencies demanding an end to your dream, this book will show you the fine tight-rope walk between a successful enterprise and a gigantic quagmire of madness and despair. Hint....it's 98% madness and despair. This is a “Why You Don’t Want to Open a Bar” book with a simple message: don’t open a bar. Don’t do it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781483564401

Book preview

sufficed.

Chapter 1: Introduction

Everyone at some point in their life flirts with the idea or notion to ‘open a bar’. I am sure you have already been lectured at length about the hardships of owning and operating your own bar, restaurant, tavern, pub or whatever other cute little name you’ve decided to hoist up upon the sign of your proposed future failure. I am also sure you have already been warned that HALF of all small bars close in their first two years of operation, while a whopping 90% implode in the first five. Yeah, but by golly, that was THOSE fool’s mistakes! You have something new, something unique, and something REVOLUTIONARY! GROUNDBREAKING! Why hadn’t those idiots thought of this full proof plan before? You are gung-ho and 110% ready for the challenge that lies ahead in the long haul of owning your own small business. Well, you are in luck. Why? Well, because I’m here to stop you!

But, but, but…I just know I am going to succeed where that OTHER ninety percent failed….

Yeah, go ahead and just stop right there. Pull up a seat because we might just be here awhile. You see, through my own experiences, this book will show you all of the hidden costs and stresses with owning, operating, and slaving away in your very own restaurant. These lessons are the kind not taught in business school¹, nor in those other ever so uplifting ‘how to books’. "How dare you crush my dreams!" you scream at this page!² Look, just because you made Scrooge McDuck levels of cash in some other respectable(?) profession, does not mean you should blow it all away on a restaurant.

Honestly, developing a car that runs off children's dreams is a better investment. At least you’ll feel the same charade of self-worth at your forty-year high school reunion while also having something tangible to show for it.³ Everyone seemingly decides to open a bar once they hit their midlife crisis. EVERYONE! Actors, lawyers, doctors; professionals from all walks of life are all deciding to throw away their hard earned savings. It almost seems like the new ‘American Dream’ involves opening a bar at some point in a lifetime, probably after the separate checking account and the mistress. What do all of these professionals have in common? Besides more money than myself?⁴ THEY ALL HAVE ZERO EXPERIENCE PROFESSIONALLY IN THE HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY! I go out to bars all the time! I totally understand how one operates! Well, here is your first trade secret: You’re probably an alcoholic. Now, here’s the second: the wait staff probably hates you. It’s not your fault.⁵ You (hopefully) did nothing wrong.

It’s just the nature of the beast I am afraid. You almost become ‘war-hardened’ after a number of wasted years slinging slop. A restaurant is a lot like an iceberg, you see. The wait staff is just the tip. What is beneath the waves however, won’t just sink your ‘Titanic’ dreams, it will also crush your soul…. slowly.

¹ See, were already saving you money!

² This is a bookstore, good sir. No yelling! Think your hatred hard; we might just hear it!

³ Subject to Elon Musk involvement.

⁴ A need to finally taste the bitter flavor of failure?

⁵ It is.

Incident Report

July 19th: 10:04 PM

‘A blind man asked our European regular, Why the F*** are you in my country?! He then proceeded to vomit on himself.’

Chapter 2: A tale of woe

My story began back when I was young and working in restaurants to help put myself through business school. I was energized and enthusiastic and all other kinds of ‘E’ words about the hospitality industry. I was also probably much younger than you are now. At the age of 21, I had already spent many, many years in the restaurant business and was able to acquire financing to open my very first restaurant. And before you even begin, no, it wasn’t my parent’s money. I am the last of eight children and the last thing on Earth my parents would do is throw their life savings into the furnace of bar ownership. Now, before you scoff at the idea of someone barely old enough to legally buy a drink running a successful bar, allow me to explain. At this young age, I was at my best to own a restaurant. I had no mortgage, no car payment; I was single and unburdened with the love and total devotion of children. I had virtually no expenses. Which translated into small business owner dialect means I could literally not pay myself for weeks.⁶

Remember, every employee gets paid BEFORE you. This also means that I was there working 9am - 3am shifts EVERY NIGHT, FOR MONTHS. I had energy, an under-developed business brain, and I was obviously saving on employee costs!⁷ Now, if you are deciding to open a restaurant mid-life with ‘adult’ monthly expenses, or are accustomed to a life of luxury, this is most likely going to

Reviews for How Not to Open a Bar

[Jay Sullivan · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Practical advice and a lot of wit. Worth reading even if you have no desire to open a bar. Interesting insights about the bar industry. Just a fun read.