The Dick Book. Tuning Your Favorite Body Part: Gay Sex Guide

By Micha Schulze and Christian Scheuss

More fun with your dick-for you and your partner(s). The Dick Book is the ultimate gay guide book that gives you the answers to all your questions about your "little willy." Competent advice, facts and trivia worth knowing will help you get your cock in top shape. The Dick Book is open-minded, and of course it's richly illustrated. And don't forget: If you really want to have fun, you should know what makes your dick tick.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bruno-Books
• Release date: Apr 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9783867874731

Book preview

Afterplay

Foreword

Thanks to a German porno label, many gays know that cazzo is Italian for cock. Not as many know that Italians like to use the word as either a curse or an exclamation. For example, Che cazzo voi? means, What do you want?

What cock do you want? is the literal translation of Che cazzo voi?—and that’s what we’re asking you in this book. We don’t want to offend you, but we want to know if you’re ever unhappy about your dick. Is it too small or too crooked? Does your cock get hard enough? Do you get erections when you’d rather not?

If you watch porn or log on to gay dating sites, you might get the impression that the ideal gay cock is ten inches long, is instantly hard and fucks for two uninterrupted hours. And that porn stars cum four times each night (according to their biographies). To be honest, we can’t promise such results. However, not without irony, we have titled some of our chapters Prettier!, Bigger!, Harder!, Hornier!, More Often!, and Fitter!

The cock is a part of us. At the same time, it has its own personality and often does not follow our lead. It’s like having a little brother; you didn’t choose him, but you can influence and educate him. You can do the same with your cock. But only if you understand it will you be able to give lust and joy to lovers.

The cock needs attention—even when you don’t use it for sex. It needs to be cleaned. And it needs protection, because bacteria and viruses are everywhere.

The following pages explain how your cock functions, how to make it happy, how to make it more beautiful, how to have (more) fun with it—and what dangers lurk. Whether two or twelve inches long, whether you play with it by yourself or with three other guys, with our tuning tips, your dick won’t just hang there—it will rise!

Che cazzo vuoi: What Cock Do You Want?

Did you know that sperm flies out of your cock at an average speed of twenty-five miles per hour? Did you know that you can maintain a boner for four hours while asleep? And that a teaspoon of sperm (caution: unsafe) has just five calories?

You may think: No dick is interested in that. There is no reason to know trivial data about this dirty little thing. But in our research, we came across information that made us smile. We receive and give lust and delight with our cocks, that’s why we think: Even if this is a serious guide about the penis, we should have a little fun with it. Your giggling, hardening and moaning are very welcome! The pictures are supposed to help your appetite to play with the fella.

We already hear the naggers: that gay men always think about sex, that this phallus bible only affirms straight prejudices. Bullshit! There’s no shame in being interested in your dick. All men are—even if they live a life of celibacy. And we are not the first ones to write a penis guide—heterosexuals did it long before us.

The Dick Book is the first of its kind written by gays, for gays. Why? The cock both imparts and receives pleasure. And we won’t beep out naughty terms or concepts, even if choirboys might blush. Why shouldn’t we use words like cock, fucking or blowing? You wouldn’t ask your boyfriend, Would you kindly agree to join me in fellatio?

Foreplay!

People always say that men think with their dicks. We don’t know whether this is true for everyone. But this book ponders nothing but cock. Let’s start the journey!

XXX Terms For Your Best Friend

Anaconda · Anal impaler · Avenger · Baby’s arm · Baby maker · Baloney pony · Banana · Beef bayonet · Bologna pony · Boner · Bratwurst · Captain Winkie · Cack · Cock · Corn dog · Choad · Chub · Dick · Dicktator · Divine rod · DNA rifle · Doinker · Dong · Donut puncher · Electric eel · El commandante · Family jewels · Frankfurter · Fuck stick · God’s pinky finger · Greaser · Hard-on · Harry Johnson · It · Jack-in-the-box · Jack Hammer · John Thomas · Johnson · Joystick · Junk · Knob · Little soldier · Long John Silver · Love handle · Love missile · Love pump · Love stick · Magic wand · Main vein · Manhood · Man-handle · Man meat · Man’s best friend · Meat thermometer · Member · Mr. Bombastic · Mr. Happy · Mr. Investigator · My Little Pony · My other head · Night brigade · Noodle · One-eyed monster · One-eyed trouser snake · Package · Pee-pee · Pecker · Pencil · Piece · Pipecleaner · Pinnochio · Pole · Pork sword · Power drill · Pud · Purple-headed yogurt slinger · Priapus · Prick · Rod · Salami · Santorum stirrer · Satan scepter · Sausage · Schlong · Sprout · Stick · Stiffy · Stinky pickle · Summer sausage · Sword · Table leg · Tadger · Tally-whacker · Tool · Third leg of the tripod · Throbber · Tube steak · Unit · Urinary path · Wang · Wankie · Wedding tackle · Whanger · Willie · Widowmaker · Wiener · Wilson

The Dick: Biological Facts

The male sexual organ is rooted in the interior of the pelvis. Anchored by muscles and ligaments, the root of your dick can be found by pushing your finger gently into the taint, which lies between your testicles and your ass.

The exterior of the penis includes the glans, the sensitive tip of the organ. Below it is the atrioventricular groove, the circular dent. In contrast to the U.S. and Canada, most men in Europe and Latin America are uncut, so the foreskin lies above the glans. A small elastic band (frenulum) fixates the prepuce, as the foreskin is also called, below the glans.

The penis contains regions of erectile tissue (corpus cavernosum), responsible for making the organ grow when you are excited. In this case, blood flows into the tissue, which expands it. Three of these expandable tissues lie between the glans and the penis root. Muscle fibers keep the hollow areas small, as long as the brain does not give other instructions. When you are sexually aroused, these fibers relax and the corpus cavernosum blocks the veins, preventing blood from leaving the penis. The stiffy that results is caused by congested blood, and the internal pressure is enormous—twenty times higher than normal, approximately the same as in a standard bicycle tire.

We should also mention the scrotum, which hides behind the penis. It contains and protects the testicles—your balls—which produce testosterone and sperm. The testicles hang outside the body, because, in order to produce sperm, the temperature has to be lower than body temperature. This area is extremely sensitive to touch. Next to the glans, the scrotum is one of the most erogenous zones in the male body.

Statistics

A study by the University of Essen, Germany, suggests that the average penis measures between three and four inches. Erect, it grows to from five to seven inches. Ninety-five percent of men are within this range; significant deviations are found in a tiny minority. The survey of German men indicated an average erect length of 5.7 inches and an average diameter of 1.6 inches.

The longest penis ever measured in a male human is 13.5 inches, with a circumference of 6.3 inches! And the cock is no urban legend—American physician Dr. Robert L. Dickinson provided photographic proof in the early twentieth century. Other sex researchers (Alfred Kinsey, Masters & Johnson) have also reported extraordinary penis lengths of between nine and twelve inches.

In contrast to the overachievers, there is scientific evidence of penises as wee as 0.4 inches. The term for this phenomenon: micropenis. Microsurgical techniques can enlarge these mini-cocks, but only up to 1.5 inches.

It’s no surprise that, on gay dating sites like gayromeo.com or gaydar.co.uk, gay boys brag about huge members. And the younger the men, it seems, the more they describe their Johnsons as XXL, sexual fantasies and wishful thinking diddling with reality. In the real world, though, no one need be sad about a four-inch dick; after all, they’re among the silent majority.

Cocks continue to grow until age eighteen or nineteen, and reassuringly, don’t shrink as we age—there is no difference in length between old and young men, though the circumference of the penis is slightly bigger in young men, at the glans as well as the base.

Do Africans on average have a bigger organ than Europeans? And are small members really more prevalent among Asians? We can’t give you a reliable answer to this question, since there are no scientific international studies on the subject.

What research exists is more entertaining than serious. A non-representative study by the Spanish company Andromedical concluded that the French have the biggest wieners, an average length of 6.2 inches, followed by Italians with 5.9 inches. According to this study, the international average is 5.5 inches. Below average are the Brits, with five inches, while the average Indian cock is four inches and South Koreans come in at last place, with 3.7 inches.

So, for international comparisons, you’ll have to do the research yourself, one cock (and man) at a time. But let’s be clear—there are five-foot Thai guys with megacocks and there are black guys with mini-pee-pees. Sexual fantasies are okay, as long as you know that fantasies are seldom reality.

By the way, the strength of the penis is measured in kilograms, measured by lifting weights attached to the penis with a leather belt. The weight that you can just raise standing up signifies the strength of your penis. Usually it is between twenty-two and fifty-five pounds. Of course, you should not overdo this test (more in Fitter—The Penis: (Sex) Accidents and Diseases).

Grid Investigation at Gayromeo

In some European countries, Gayromeo.com is referred to as the gay general registration office. So we decided to do a grid investigation of its users. In 2006, 218,926 German men were registered, making it the country with the most users. That’s 0.27 percent of the German population of 82 million inhabitants.

Our study revealed that 36,501 (16.7 percent) of the German users were cut, 77,790 (35.5 percent) were uncut, and the balance were silent about their status. About half of all users, 114,000, posted their penis size; 2,793 (2.4 percent) boasted of an XXL wiener; 20,701 (18.1 percent) promised dick size XL; 53,109 (46.5 percent) offered size L; and 35,432 (31 percent) gave themselves a dick size of M. Only 2,256 said they had a small penis—fewer than 2 percent. Overall, Gayromeo members didn’t seem to exaggerate too much about their, ahem, members.

By these means interesting comparisons can be drawn—and