How to Break Free of the Codependency Cycle: A Step-by-Step Guide

By Nicoladie Tam, Ph.D.

“How to Break Free of the Codependency Cycle: A Step-by-Step Guide” is a part of the “Inspirational Self-Enrichment Series” authored by Nicoladie Tam, Ph, D. on self-improvement and self-enrichment for living a healthy lifestyle while in the pursuit of happiness.
This book provides step-by-step instructions to guide the readers through the process to understand what codependency is and how to break free of this dysfunctional behavioral pattern. Once this unhealthy lifestyle is changed into a healthy lifestyle, it will provide you with the tools and inspirations needed to share rewarding life experiences with those you truly love instead of dragging each other down.
This book starts with introducing the diagnosis and symptoms of codependency. It introduces the readers to what codependency is all about in a nutshell, then it goes into describing the details of codependency — from what it really is, why it happens, and how to get out of the self-defeating relationship patterns. It explains the causes of codependency, and the issues associated with codependency. It also explains the differences between codependency, counter-dependency and interdependency, so that the readers can understand how to establish healthy relationships.
The book is written in layman’s terms, in a conversational style, so that the readers will be able to relate to the relationship dynamics personally. It explains the theories and practices of codependency. It guides the readers through the process of recovery by explaining how to break free of the relationship dependency. It is also written with a sense of humor to enlighten the spirit of the readers. It uses cognitive therapy to empower the readers, and provides inspiration for the readers to take steps to establish healthier relationships.
This book is written in a self-explanatory format so that the readers can figure out how codependency is developed and what codependency is all about at their own pace. It is written in question-and-answer format, so that all the pressing questions can be answered immediately. The readers can move on to the next step, once the immediate questions are answered. It is like a personal coaching session that energizes the readers to do something immediately once the light bulb is turned on by the inspiration. This motivates the readers to make changes in their lives once they have discovered what it is they can do to improve their relationships.
By using this modular-learning format, the readers can read the book incrementally without any loss of continuity. Making these steps one-day-at-a-time, one-step-at-a-time so that the newfound knowledge may be integrated into real life, and then taken into action to achieve better life goals, can make progress. Making that progress is therapeutic, healing, energizing and empowering.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nicoladie Tam, Ph.D.
• Release date: May 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310163203

Nicoladie Tam, Ph.D.

Dr. Nicoladie Tam, Ph.D., is an author and a university professor with a Ph.D. degree in Physiology and 3 bachelor's degrees in Computer Science, Physics, and Astrophysics.She uses innovative teaching methods to challenge students and engage them to participate in learning. The books she has written are intuitive, easy-to-read and understand because she applies the theories of learning gained from her neurobiological research.The pedagogy uses immediate feedback to provide answers to questions instantly to accelerate the rate of learning and knowledge acquisition. The interactive and self-paced method allows students to explore knowledge modularly and incrementally without a pre-defined path of exploration.The brain-compatible pedagogy was inspired by the results of her brain research, which identified how decisions are affected by emotions using a neurobiological model of emotions she has created.She has teaching experience in physiology, neuroscience, and neuropsychopharmacology.

Book preview

Preface

How to Break Free of the Codependency Cycle: A Step-by-Step Guide is a part of the Inspirational Self-Enrichment Series authored by Nicoladie Tam, Ph, D. on self-improvement and self-enrichment for living a healthy lifestyle while in the pursuit of happiness.

This book provides step-by-step instructions to guide the readers through the process to understand what codependency is and how to break free of this dysfunctional behavioral pattern. Once this unhealthy lifestyle is changed into a healthy lifestyle, it will provide you with the tools and inspirations needed to share rewarding life experiences with those you truly love instead of dragging each other down.

This book starts with introducing the diagnosis and symptoms of codependency. It introduces the readers to what codependency is all about in a nutshell, then it goes into describing the details of codependency — from what it really is, why it happens, and how to get out of the self-defeating relationship patterns. It explains the causes of codependency, and the issues associated with codependency. It also explains the differences between codependency, counter-dependency and interdependency, so that the readers can understand how to establish healthy relationships.

The book is written in layman’s terms, in a conversational style, so that the readers will be able to relate to the relationship dynamics personally. It explains the theories and practices of codependency. It guides the readers through the process of recovery by explaining how to break free of the relationship dependency. It is also written with a sense of humor to enlighten the spirit of the readers. It uses cognitive therapy to empower the readers, and provides inspiration for the readers to take steps to establish healthier relationships.

This book is written in a self-explanatory format so that the readers can figure out how codependency is developed and what codependency is all about at their own pace. It is written in question-and-answer format, so that all the pressing questions can be answered immediately. The readers can move on to the next step, once the immediate questions are answered. It is like a personal coaching session that energizes the readers to do something immediately once the light bulb is turned on by the inspiration. This motivates the readers to make changes in their lives once they have discovered what it is they can do to improve their relationships.

By using this modular-learning format, the readers can read the book incrementally without any loss of continuity. Making these steps one-day-at-a-time, one-step-at-a-time so that the newfound knowledge may be integrated into real life, and then taken into action to achieve better life goals, can make progress. Making that progress is therapeutic, healing, energizing and empowering.

Acknowledgments

This book is dedicated to Krista Smith for being there for me, for being so supportive throughout in this writing endeavor, for providing helpful suggestions and for copy-editing this book.

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Preface

Acknowledgments

1. The Diagnosis of Codependency

1.1. Symptoms of Codependency

1.2. Weaknesses in being Codependent

1.3. Addictive Behavioral Patterns of Codependency

1.4. Identifying Signs of Codependency

2. Codependency in a Nutshell

2.1. What is this Codependency Deal?

2.2. Healthy Helping vs. Unhealthy Helping in Codependency

2.3. Volunteering Help in Codependency

2.4. Deriving Self-Worth from Codependency

2.5. The Denial in Codependency

2.6. Martyrdom in Codependency

2.7. The Control Freak in Codependency

2.8. Compulsive Rescuing in Codependency

2.9. Dependency in Relationships

2.10. The Resentment in Codependency

2.11. Loss of Self in Codependency

2.12. Self-Defeating Behavior in Codependency

2.13. Self-Gratification in Codependency

2.14. Addiction in Codependency

2.15. Poor Souls to Help in Codependency

2.16. Signs of Codependency

3. Codependency in Details

3.1. What Constitutes Codependency?

3.2. Enabling Behavior in Codependency

3.3. Healthy Helping vs. Codependent Helping

3.4. Enmeshment in Codependency

3.5. Over-Responsibility in Codependency

3.6. Boundary Issues in Codependency

3.7. Misguided Selflessness in Codependency

3.8. The Guilt in Codependency

3.9. Disempowerment in Codependency

3.10. Freeing Yourself of Codependency

4. The Drama Cycle in Codependency

4.1. The Rescuing, Victimizing, and Persecuting Drama Cycle in Codependency

4.2. The Rescuer in the Drama Cycle

4.3. The Control Freak in the Drama Cycle

4.4. Running Someone’s Life in the Drama Cycle

4.5. The Behavioral Signs of Dependency in the Drama Cycle

4.6. Breaking Free of Playing the Rescuer’s Role

4.7. The Victimizer in the Drama Cycle

4.8. Breaking Free of Playing the Victimizer’s Role

4.9. The Messiah Complex in the Drama Cycle

4.10. Breaking Free of the Messiah Complex

4.11. The Persecutor in the Drama Cycle

4.12. Breaking Free of Playing the Persecutor’s Role

4.13. Repeats of the Drama Cycle in Codependency

4.14. Breaking Free of the Drama Cycle in Codependency

5. The Makeup-Breakup Cycle in Codependency

5.1. Makeup-Breakup Relationship Dynamics

5.2. Clinging Behavior in the Codependency Cycle

5.3. Love Dramas in the Codependency Cycle

5.4. Attempts to Change the Other Person in the Codependent Cycle

5.5. Breaking Free of the Makeup-Breakup Codependency Cycle

6. The Hidden Causes of Codependency

6.1. Unfulfilled Wants and Needs Issues in Codependency

6.2. Neglect Issues in Codependency

6.3. Abandonment Issues in Codependency

6.4. Abuse Issues in Codependency

6.5. Dysfunctional Family Issues in Codependency

6.6. Disabled Family Member Issues in Codependency

6.7. Unavailable Family Member Issues in Codependency

6.8. Traumatic Issues in Codependency

6.9. Behavioral Imitation Issues in Codependency

7. The Effects of Childhood Traumas on Codependency

7.1. Effects of Childhood Physical Abuse on Adult Relationships

7.2. Effects of Childhood Verbal Abuse on Adult Relationships

7.3. Effects of Childhood Emotional Abuse on Adult Relationships

7.4. Effects of Childhood Psychological Abuse on Adult Relationships

7.5. Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Adult Relationships

8. The Hidden Issues in Codependency

8.1. Avoidance Syndrome in Codependency

8.2. Mind Reading Issues in Codependency

8.3. Anxiety Issues in Codependency

8.4. Perfectionist Issues in Codependency

8.5. Trust Issues in Codependency

8.6. Loyalty Issues in Codependency

8.7. Love Issues in Codependency

9. Counter-Dependency

9.1. What is Counter-Dependency?

9.2. The Difference between Independency and Counter-dependency

9.3. The Importance of Seeking Help

9.4. Why is Counter-Dependency Dysfunctional?

9.5. Breaking Free of Counter-Dependency

10. Interdependency

10.1. Cooperative Relationships

10.2. Relationship Dynamics in Interdependent Relationships

10.3. Honesty in Healthy Interdependent Relationships

10.4. Acceptance of Feelings in Interdependent Relationships

10.5. Guilt-Free Relationship Dynamics in Interdependent Relationships

10.6. Open Communication in Interdependent Relationships

10.7. Privacy in Interdependent Relationships

10.8. Collaborations in Interdependent Relationships

10.9. Shared Responsibilities in Interdependent Relationships

10.10. Mutually Gratifying Interdependent Relationships

11. Life after Codependency

11.1. The Emotional Healing Process

11.2. The Fallbacks

11.3. Enjoying Life as Life Offers You

11.4. The Finale

About the Author

Upcoming Books

Other Books Published by the Author

1.The Diagnosis of Codependency

This chapter explores what codependency is. It examines the characteristic symptoms and behavioral patterns of codependency. It guides the readers to identify what codependency is all about.

1.1.Symptoms of Codependency

Objectives

Identify the symptoms of codependency

Identify the behavioral patterns of codependency

Identify the dysfunctional patterns in relationships

Do you find yourself helping others without being asked to do so?

If so, you may be helping others compulsively.

If you do it automatically each time without thinking, it is probably a subconscious effort to try to help. When you feel there is a compelling need for doing so automatically without being asked to do so, then this means you are likely to do it as a habit. It is okay as long as you are helping constructively rather than doing for them or taking over.

Do you find yourself feeling guilty if you don’t help others?

If you feel guilty for not helping, then you are feeling compelled to help them instead of helping them when it is truly needed.

When you feel guilty if you don’t do it, it is a sign of coercion when you are making yourself help them when you would rather not do so. You are being compelled to do so by some external peer pressure (or internal guilt) rather than acting on your own volition.

Do you find yourself with an inability to stop helping others?

If you cannot stop, then it is a sign of addiction.

If you could stop, then it would not be an addiction. However, if you cannot stop, then it is a sign of addiction when you are obsessed with wanting to help others. There can be many reasons as to why you feel that you cannot stop, but nonetheless, if you cannot quit, it is a sign of dependency with regards to helping others that makes you feel good. Otherwise, you feel bad about yourself.

Do you find yourself not about to say no to helping others?

If you cannot say no, then you may have a problem with making your own decision.

Making a decision is the ability to say yes or say no. If you can only say yes, but are unable to say no, then it is not really a decision technically. If you want to say no, but are unable to say so, then it is a sign of a problem in your ability to make decisions. That is, the decision is impaired when the decision is to say yes even if you wanted to say no.

Do you find yourself rescuing someone who you think is getting into a train wreck?

If you find yourself jumping to the rescue of someone based on what you think is going to be a disaster, instead of letting someone ask for your help, then you are likely to do it compulsively.

If you feel compelled to help instead of waiting for someone to ask you first, then you are jumping to the rescue. You are taking over the responsibility in your own hands when you do it without asking.

Do you find yourself responsible for someone else’s problem?

If you find yourself taking over the responsibility of others beyond your call of duty, you are being codependent in the relationship.

When you are taking responsibility for another person, you are not letting him/her take responsibility for him/herself. You are taking on their problems rather than allowing them to take care of themselves.

Do you find yourself focusing your life on another person?

If you focus so much on another person, you are living their life instead of your own.

You are indeed dependent on others instead of being independent and on your own.

Do you feel you have to control someone’s life so he/she will not get into trouble?

If you feel you have to control the outcomes of someone’s life, you are living someone’s life, and feel compelled to do so.

When you are trying to control someone’s life, you are effectively a control freak, even though you may not be aware of it.

Do you find yourself feeling like you are being used after you have helped someone?

If you feel like you are being used, then you are subconsciously feeling resentful because what you have done was likely done without you taking into consideration that there needs to be reciprocation for your help.

If you feel like you are being used, then your help was a one-way street. If it were a two-way street, you probably wouldn’t feel used. If you feel you were taken advantage of, then you are not taking steps to protect your interest. You are allowing others to take advantage of you by volunteering your help without asking for return.

Do you feel you are giving to others more than taking from them?

If you are a giving person, then you are susceptible to offer too much without asking anything in return.

When you give so much without expecting anything in return, or feel either shy or guilty of accepting offers, then you are likely to be codependent.

Do you feel taken advantage of by someone who you have helped?

If you feel like you are being taken advantage of when you have helped them, then you are allowing yourself to be in a vulnerable position when you have offered your help voluntarily.

You are setting yourself up for a one-way relationship if you offer your help as a form of charity. That is because you don’t expect anything in return in charity, except for the gratification you would get from doing so. However, it is always appropriate and fair to expect some form of reciprocation in a real life relationship.

When you pretend that you didn’t need anything in return, then you are in denial that it is human to expect something in return. In a healthy mutually beneficial relationship, it is always open and honest to expect reciprocation. Otherwise, it is a one-sided relationship instead of a two-way street.

Do you find yourself feeling vulnerable of your kindness when you have helped someone?

If you feel vulnerable due to your kindness, then you are over-extending yourself, and doing more than your fair share.

When you feel vulnerable, you are probably being over-responsible for someone’s problem, by taking it in your own hands. If so, you are being too involved in someone’s problem to a point that it is beyond your call of duty.

Do you feel you were exhausted from doing so much for others?

If you are feeling exhausted and tired of helping, you may have over-extended your efforts to the point of being burned out.

When you feel tired of helping, it is a sign that you have helped someone way beyond your call of duty. You have bent over backwards to do so, when it is probably not your responsibility to do so to begin with.

Do you find yourself not appreciated for all the help that you have offered to others?

If you feel as though you are not being appreciated, it is most likely due to you voluntarily offering help without asking for anything in return, especially if they never asked for help to begin with.

You probably had done it without asking, and had taken over the responsibility for yourself, when it was his/her responsibility to do so. You probably volunteered your service and offered your help without any expectation of reciprocation.

Do you feel you are resentful of being stuck in helping others as if you don’t have any choice but to do it?

If you feel you were victimized by the constant needs of others who were expecting you to help them, then you were self-victimizing yourself when you were doing so compulsively.

Feeling resentful is a sign of the disagreeable effect in helping when you would rather not had done so in the first place. You probably feel that you are a victim of their unspoken demands for your help, from which you cannot seem to escape. It would be like feeling trapped and having no choice whatsoever other than to help whoever you may think is asking for help (sometimes even when they literally are not even asking).

Do you find yourself getting upset at the person who you have helped for making you help him/her?

If you feel upset at the person who you have helped, then you are most likely resentful due to having helped them and feel that they have caused you all your troubles.

When you feel upset at the person who you have helped, you are not feeling good about yourself for helping them. The good feelings of self-gratification in helping others have passed, and you are in the phase of coming down from the addictive behavior in compulsive helping.

Do you blame them for all the troubles they had caused you after you have helped them?

If you blame them for your troubles, then you are in the phase of persecuting them for making you help them.

When you are persecuting them for not doing their share, and you have ended up taking responsibility for them, then these are the signs of codependency.

Do you find yourself surrounded by all these needy people?

If you find yourself having these clingy people around you, then you were probably drawing yourself into helping these needy people in the first place.

You were probably sending all these unspoken signals to them that you were available to help and wanting to help them. It is not an accident that you drew these needy people in your life. It is really a choice you had made to attract those people who would eventually cling on you for your help.

Do you find yourself wanting to break away from all these needy people?

If you cannot break away from them, then it is a sign of dependency.

It is not only that they depend on you for your help; you are actually dependent on them to make you feel good in helping them. You depend on them for your self-gratification. You need them so you can feel your help is needed. You depend on them for your need to control. Without you helping these helpless people, you feel you have no purpose in life. You are not satisfied unless you have run their lives. These are the signs of dependency.

Do you find yourself continuously going back to help them even after you said you didn’t want to do that anymore?

If you find yourself repeating this cycle of helping someone when you had already decided that you didn’t want to do so, then it is a sign of subconscious dependency or addiction.

Dependency and addiction is the cycle of repeating the same behavior, unable to break free. If you find yourself repeating this addiction cycle, you are dependent on these needy people for your instant gratification, deriving power out of helping them momentary. You are drawn to helping them, not because they really need your help, but because you are getting your fix by doing so.

Do you find yourself going back to the same person when you want to get away from him/her?

If you find yourself in this predicament, you are in a codependency cycle, unable to be independent.

When you feel you always end up in the predicament of helping the same person that you would rather not, or had promised yourself that you would not do that again, then you are sinking deeper and deeper into the addictive relationship dynamics of codependency.

Do you find yourself feeling so drained from helping others?

If you find that you keep helping one person after another, you are repeating the cycle of serial-dependency in order to get your fix by helping.

You are seeking out needy and helpless people to fulfill your needs. You find yourself helping one person or another in a serial relationship. You always need someone in your life without being independent by yourself without them. You are not deriving your self-worth from your own self, but relying on someone else to give you something to live for.

Do you find yourself feeling empty when you are not helping others?

If you feel you don’t have any purpose in life except to help others, then you are depending on others for your validation.

When you find yourself deriving your self-worth from helping others, then you are dependent on them for your existence. You would feel lonely when you are not getting this emotional fix by helping others. You would lose your sense of your own identity when you completely focus on helping others for your self-worth, instead of deriving your own worthiness for who you are with or without them.

Do you find yourself feeling lost if you don’t help some helpless souls?

If you feel as though you are lost when you are not helping someone, it is a sign of withdrawal from an addictive behavior.

The withdrawal is subconsciously making you repeating the cycle of helping someone so that you don’t feel lost any more. You are getting your fix to help others rather than truly helping them for what they need, but you are helping them for your own needs.

Do you feel you don’t realize you have any problem even when you have identified all these symptoms?

If you feel you don’t have any problem because you think it is all their problems, then you are in denial of the dependency on them.

When you find yourself in denial of the dependency on them for your existence, then you are in the phase of addiction that you are not aware of, or in denial of your own problems.

Do you feel you would not be in this place if it weren’t for their neediness or their problems?

If you blame it is all their problems, and they are the ones who are causing your problems, then you are in denial of your own issues.

When you are oblivious of your own dependency problems, then you are repeating the same dependency cycle without knowing it.

Do you feel you identify yourself with most of the above symptoms?

If you identify yourself with most of the above symptoms, then you are a codependent.

You are being trapped in the codependency cycle when you identify with most of the issues raised here.

1.2.Weaknesses in being Codependent

Objectives

Identify the weaknesses in being codependent

Identify the issues for being codependent

Do you have issues with saying no in regards with helping someone?

If you cannot say no, then you are susceptible of doing things that you would rather not do.

You would have trouble asserting yourself, and would feel as though you are unable to stand up for yourself. Ironically, you are not taking responsibility for yourself.

Do you have trouble asking for return when you have done something to help others?

If you cannot ask for reciprocation, then you are setting yourself up for one-way street.

It is charity if you offer help without expecting something in return. However, in real life relationships, it is perfectly fair to ask for reciprocation in a functional relationship. If you have trouble asking for something in return, then you are susceptible to codependency, and end up feeling like you give, give and give, without any end in sight.

Do you have trouble telling someone what is on your mind directly and openly without beating around the bush?

If you have trouble speaking your mind, then you are susceptible to use indirect manipulation to get the outcomes you want.

Being indirect is not just being shy; it will end up manipulating the outcomes when the intent cannot be expressed openly. It would lead to mind reading and a guessing game, which normally creates the codependent dynamics by being a sort of push-pull, by trying to fish out what each person wants and needs.

Do you have trouble standing up for yourself?

If you have trouble asserting yourself, then you are likely to go along with someone else’s wishes instead of your own.

You would most likely end up pleasing other people, and forget about your own needs. You would tend to put your wants and needs aside in order to please others to gain their approval or acceptance.

Do you have trouble separating your life from theirs?

If you find yourself enmeshed in someone’s life, you are getting yourself into a codependent relationship.

When you cannot separate your life from theirs, then you are not able to set boundaries to say what is yours and what is theirs.

Do you feel you are responsible for someone’s well being instead of your own?

If you feel you are responsible for another adult’s well being, you are likely to taking care of them when they can perfectly take care of themselves.

It is okay to