Zombies to The Left

By Amarinda Jones

Jack Katz threw her head back and let out a long, loud whine. “Oh, whhhhhyyyy? It's not fair.” They were drinking coffee in one of the many sidewalk cafes on the Cairns Esplanade. If people heard and looked at her whining, Jack didn't care. What her sibling wanted was doomed to turn into a mess.
“This isn’t about you, Jackie,” her sister Nancy told her.
“I bloody know that.” If it had been, her family would be miles away from her and not in her home town. “Why have the wedding in Cairns? What did Cairns ever do to you?” Jack liked having the distance that separated her from her family. She felt they worked better this way. As dysfunctional families went, they were the prototype.
“You know Sydney is suddenly too hot for the Katz women.”
“You borrowed money from the loan shark, too?” Jack had thought her sister was imbued with more sense. Nancy Katz was a good girl. She didn't run around killing zombies with an axe nor did she act like their youth obsessed, lipo-sucked mother, Cheryl Lee.
“No, but mother used my name to borrow some cash and now I’m getting harassed to pay back money and that means we can’t have the wedding in my hometown of Sydney.”
“Bloody Cheryl Lee.” Their mother was a total screw up whose actions rebounded back on them. “Did you know she had the hots for a zombie?” Jack had watched on with a mixture of repulsion and what-the-hell as Cheryl Lee had dated Morcomb Sprout, half zombie and half human, who was determined to destroy her hometown of Cairns. Of course Cheryl Lee had been too dense to realize the half breed monster had been only interested in pissing off her zombie hunting daughter, Jack.
Nancy shrugged. "Zombie or not, he'd be no different to anyone else she previously shagged."
Well, that was true. Her mother had been with some shockers. "She didn't get to shag him. I told her a zombie's dick would fall off during sex."
Her sister looked appalled. "Eew! How do you know?"
"Just a theory."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Scarlet Harlot Publishing
• Release date: Feb 16, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310424403

Amarinda Jones

Amarinda Jones believes anything is possible and sometimes just asking for the impossible will surprise someone enough that they will give it to you. Writing is like that. Put it out there and wait for a response. There is always the possibility you may fall on your arse, but after all, that's what cellulite is for. Amarinda believes in taking chances, speaking her mind and aging disgracefully. Twenty years from now she plans on being the neighborhood witch that all the kids are scared of. But then, everyone has to have a hobby.

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Zombies to The Left

Story 2 - Jack Katz Zombie Hunter

By Amarinda Jones

Published by Amarinda Jones at Smashwords

Copyright 2014 Amarinda Jones

Smashwords Edition

Chapter One

Jack Katz threw her head back and let out a long, loud whine. "Oh, whhhhhyyyy? It's not fair." They were drinking coffee in one of the many sidewalk cafes on the Cairns Esplanade. If people heard and looked at her whining, Jack didn't care. What her sibling wanted was doomed to turn into a mess.

This isn’t about you, Jackie, her sister Nancy told her.

I bloody know that. If it had been, her family would be miles away from her and not in her home town. Why have the wedding in Cairns? What did Cairns ever do to you? Jack liked having the distance that separated her from her family. She felt they worked better this way. As dysfunctional families went, they were the prototype.

"You know Sydney is suddenly too hot for the Katz women."

You borrowed money from the loan shark, too? Jack had thought her sister was imbued with more sense. Nancy Katz was a good girl. She didn't run around killing zombies with an axe nor did she act like their youth obsessed, lipo-sucked mother, Cheryl Lee.

"No, but mother used my name to borrow some cash and now I’m getting harassed to pay back money and that means we can’t have the wedding in my hometown of Sydney."

Bloody Cheryl Lee. Their mother was a total screw up whose actions rebounded back on them. Did you know she had the hots for a zombie? Jack had watched on with a mixture of repulsion and what-the-hell as Cheryl Lee had dated Morcomb Sprout, half zombie and half human, who was determined to destroy her hometown of Cairns. Of course Cheryl Lee had been too dense to realize the half breed monster had been only interested in pissing off her zombie hunting daughter, Jack.

Nancy shrugged. Zombie or not, he'd be no different to anyone else she previously shagged.

Well, that was true. Her mother had been with some shockers. She didn't get to shag him. I told her a zombie's dick would fall off during sex.

Her sister looked appalled. Eew! How do you know?

Just a theory. While Jack hunted zombies for a living, she had no conclusive evidence about the whole dick-falling-off thing. It was mere speculation due to the fact the zombies were rotting undead corpses who dragged their groaning asses around creating mayhem and death on the unsuspecting public. While Morcomb Sprout was part zombie, part human and smart, he still wasn't what Jack considered as stepfather material. Besides, Cheryl Lee had been too dumb to realize he had wanted her only to spite Jack. But that's the story of my mother's life. Any man who looked sideways at her was who she desperately loved.

"You know it wasn't my choice to come to Cairns. Brad and I feel your life is going to hell in a hand basket.

Jack gave that the eye roll she felt it deserved. How is the stoic Bradley? I haven't seen any blinding white lights of goodness so I'm assuming he decided not to visit his soon to be sister-in-law and share some feel good moments with the family? Jack was well aware that Brad disliked her for her work, lifestyle and that she wasn't about to shut up and listen to his pontifications about how everyone should live their life according to the gospel of Brad Booffenschauserman. That was okay. She thought him a lily-livered, pompous twit who saw the world either as right or wrong with no differing arguments in between. You can still get out of this you know. No one would blame you if you didn't want to be a Booffenschauserman.

Nancy glared at her sister. You have no concept of real love.

Probably not but I would think ahead and worry about Booffenschauserman children being beaten up in the schoolyard. That name guarantees it.

I'm sure any children you may deign to have would all be given an axe to take to school.

Jack smiled at that, picturing mini versions of herself defending the Booffenschauserman cousins. So where is the big Boof?

I told you not to call him that. It's childish. Try and be a grown up for once will you? Nancy shook her head at her sister. And Brad is at the hotel with his parents. He's upset we had to move the wedding.

Jack wondered sometimes what her sister saw in Brad. She and Nancy hadn’t always gotten along. It was only when Nancy found herself in the middle of a recent full-blown zombie attack that she and Jack had shared a bonding moment. But since going back to Sydney and being around the dull, colourless and boring Brad, any sisterly feelings of us-against-them had died. I thought he'd be happy as it's cheaper to hold the wedding in Cairns than Sydney. She knew her future brother-in-law was a tightwad. The teeny-weeny engagement ring Nancy wore was evidence of that.

He's careful and plans for the future.

He's tight as a fish's ass and that's water tight.

Well, at least he's normal, Nancy retaliated. Look at you, Jack. You kill zombies for a living and screw three men on a regular basis.

Jack wagged her finger at her. Actually, that's not correct. I've given up on sex. The zombie thing was still her profession.

Really? Her sister rolled her eyes and sounded doubtful.

Yes. One of those three men was a traitor who shared information with those who controlled the zombies. She wasn't sure which one. That person had nearly gotten them killed in the last zombie uprising. Until she worked out who had turned against her, she was also avoiding the other two innocent men. It had been a long sex-free six months.

What about Magnus Wellsby?

Oh, yeah. Him. He was the other reason she wasn't having sex with anyone. Jack had very confused feelings that ranged from extreme annoyance to wild attraction when it came to this man. No other could compare with him and she hadn't even had sex with him. Jack had a feeling if she did, it would change everything and she wasn't sure she wanted that. Or maybe I do. She shook her head. I dunno. What about him?

He seems normal.

Jack shook her head. Oh, he's not. He's the weirdest person I know. He pretends to be normal to fool people.

That says a lot coming from you.

Yeah, well. She looked at her blonde, normal, rule abiding sister and wondered once again how they could possibly be related with such diverse outlooks on life. Nance?

What?

Go home. Jack didn't need to be a mind reader to know having this wedding in Cairns was going to be trouble. Anything the Katz women did was fraught with it.

I can't. Everything's booked.

"Un-book. Elope. Or, better still,