Divorce and Conquer: Walking You Through Your Divorce, from Hiring the Lawyer to Signing on the Dotted Line

By R. Ray Brooks

This is it. The first in the three part Conquering Divorce series. A chapter each on finding the right lawyer for you, what to expect in the interview process and what you should look for in the lawyer’s contract will save you time, stress and thousands of dollars in legal fees. You get the answers to the most frequently asked questions about the court process, all of the delays, and what you should expect (and not expect) from your lawyer and the judge. There is straight talk about the basics like custody actions, mediation, trials, support, starting to date, and even how to act when you see your estranged spouse or their lawyer out in public. The information within will ease your anxiety, insecurity and frustration during a crucial and scary time. Read it cover to cover.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Torchflame Books
• Release date: Nov 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781611530858

Book preview

Copyright

Copyright © 2013, by Ray Brooks

Divorce and Conquer

Ray Brooks

www.conqueringdivorce.com

[e-mail]

Published 2013, by Torchflame Books

an Imprint of Light Messages

www.lightmessages.com

Durham, NC 27713 USA

ISBN Paperback: 978-161153-084-1

ISBN Ebook: 978-1-61153-085-8

Author Photograph by Mandy Taylor

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 International Copyright Act, without the prior written permission except in brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Dedication

For Rosemary Leathers and all of the English teachers who helped me find my love of language, and to E.J. Salcines who gave me a chance when I’m confident no one else would have.

Preface

If you’re reading this, then you’ve made or you’re about to make one of the most difficult decisions of your lifetime. The statistics are in conflict but most agree that fifty percent of us who get married will sooner or later get a divorce. Sometimes the decision on which attorney to hire is even more difficult than making the decision to go through with it in the first place. This book is designed to help you through that process and protect you from some of the pitfalls of making the decision. I’m also going to give you a thumbnail sketch of what you can expect from your attorney and the process itself.

I will try to write this in plain language and in such a way that it will seem as though we’re just sitting across a table talking. Hopefully, this style will make the reading a little easier and less text-like. I will, however, provide a glossary of some of the terms I mention so you can move back and forth through the book.

To begin, I want to give you some information about to whom you’re talking. I’ve practiced law for thirty-four years. I began as an assistant state attorney in Tampa, Florida, and later did some criminal work for about the first five or six years in private practice. The last twenty-five years have been almost exclusively divorce cases. I have handled cases involving property divisions, custody and visitation, support, separation of assets, asset valuation including retirement accounts, and almost any subject that can be involved in a divorce. I have also been divorced myself.

Please understand that none of what I’m writing here should be construed as legal advice. It is not legal advice. I simply hope, by these words, to give you an outline to help you through a process. Hopefully, you will save time and money as well as maximize the cost/benefit of the time and money you put into the process. Understand also that nothing I can say or write will take away the stress and, for some of you, the heartbreak of a divorce. I hope only to guide you through it, maybe take some of the mystery out of it and clarify some of the other world qualities of this tough time.

First, if no one has said this to you yet, or you don’t have anyone to talk to yet, you’re not the villain you think you are for doing this. There are a hundred reasons for getting away from a marriage you don’t want or don’t feel anymore. Your decision is purely personal and no one can stand in your shoes. You can’t be concerned with what others say or think when making the decisions you’re making. The decisions have to be your own.

This book is something I have wanted to write for more than twenty years. There was not a day in my practice that I didn’t have a great deal of sympathy for the people sitting in front of me and the decision-making process they were going through. I hope this takes away some of the fear and anxiety that we all go through when we first walk into a lawyer’s office.

Most people, when they get a divorce, are hiring an attorney for the first time. For those who have never hired an attorney before, you have to remember at all times that an attorney is a consultant, an employee (sort of) but, in most cases, not a friend. If you’re lucky, the relationship becomes one of trust and may even become friendly. Attorneys are not supposed to make decisions for you but to guide you to your own decisions.

I’ve always described what I do as giving advice like that of a doctor. If you go to the doctor with a headache, and he prescribes aspirin, you have a choice. If you take the aspirin, the headache will go away or at least it will subside. If you don’t take the aspirin, the headache will linger and sometimes even get worse. The advice you get from an attorney is very similar to that. If the attorney advises you to do something, or tries to guide you to a certain course of action, it is because he or she has tried the alternatives and knows what works. There is no one-size-fits-all cure to a divorce problem. Each of us has our own separate set of facts and circumstances that have to be transmitted to the attorney during the interview process. Remember when you talk to him or her, it is only by answering the questions accurately and truthfully that your attorney can tailor a recommendation for you and hopefully optimize the ultimate result.

You should never ask an attorney to make a decision for you. A good attorney will not offer to make a decision for you anyway. At all times, you are the boss and the attorney is just giving you the advice you have asked for or he feels you need. There may be times that your attorney could get rather forceful with his or her advice and disappointed when you don’t take it, but remember it is only advice and you’re the one who has to live with the decision. In the beginning stages especially, a failure to follow advice can ripple out and create more and greater problems later.

I’ve broken the body of this advice down into discrete, self-explanatory segments so that they can be used as reference material even during the interview process. The whole thing can be read in three to four hours, so I suggest you invest that time in your future and read it all. It certainly will do no harm and can only serve to help and guide you through this most difficult time.

All states have slightly different laws and rules concerning a waiting period before you can begin a divorce and how it proceeds. You’ll have to get some guidance on those before you begin. For example, some states have a waiting period before you can start your divorce; some states make you state your reasons for getting the divorce, too. I’m going to try to make this work neutral concerning those sorts of things. The various states and federal districts have many rules and laws in common, however. Although you can’t use this as a handbook on divorce, you can use it as a guide on how to hire someone to take you through it. I’m confident it will help interpret some of what your lawyers say.

You should know that divorce is not for the faint of heart. However, since statistically half of us will go through it, we must, it seems, become stout of heart. I will try to take you through the beginning stages in a logical progression and outline it in such a way that you can find specific answers to your questions as they come up during the process.

I discuss most areas in this book as relationships between spouses. In truth, there are states and jurisdictions that recognize Common Law Marriages or agreements to cohabit as husband and wife as marriages that subject the parties to the rights and duties of a formal or traditional marriage. Likewise, there are states that recognize same-sex marriages or domestic partnerships as being the equivalent to a formal marriage and subject the parties to the statutes governing divorces. You should discuss with the lawyer you choose whether these aspects apply to you. If your state does recognize any of these non-traditional forms of family relationships, some or all of the statutory rules probably will govern your separation and break-up.

1

Who You Gonna Call?

You’ve made the decision to go forward and make an appointment to see an attorney or some attorneys. What should be your first step in the process? Yellow Pages? The Internet? Let’s face it. Very few people even know an attorney, let alone a divorce attorney. And how do you know a good one from a bad one? Don’t they charge a lot of money? Can I even afford this? Can I afford not to do this? You really can’t leave it to chance. It’s too important to you, your kids, and your future to just hire someone who has a billboard or a full page ad in the Yellow Pages.

The first question you should ask is whether you even need a lawyer or not. For the most part, very young people or those who have not been married very long may not need an attorney at all. If you’ve been married for less than two years, have no children or property in common, and there are no support issues to be dealt with, you may be able to do the divorce yourself or use a paralegal service. The parameters that I’ve just given you are extremely vague and general. Each case is different and you need to really think it over before you go this route. Many people try to do their own divorce. These are called pro se litigants. Pro Se is a Latin term that means on one’s own or By Yourself.

Most medium-sized and larger counties and circuits have a set of model divorce forms available at the clerk’s office complete with questionnaires to determine whether you qualify. In some counties, there are separate judges who handle only pro se cases. You may want to call the clerk’s office and