The Joy of Me

By Shaelyn T. Pham, Ph.D.

Are you tired of constantly giving while everyone around you is constantly taking?

You have been told all your life that you're supposed to be generous and that giving is better than receiving. You bought into that idea, so you’re a giver. However, it doesn’t make you feel any better... as a matter of fact, it makes you feel worse. Why is that? It’s because you have been going about it all wrong. You have been taught to give but not how to give.

In The Joy of Me, Dr. Shaelyn Pham sheds light on the false beliefs that lead to suffering within yourself, feelings of brokenness, and resentment in your relationships. Using psychology and spirituality, with insightful stories, this book will show you:

How to let go of guilt and shame
The expectations and obligations you have put on yourself
The false identity you have taken on
The true measure of your worth
The unconditional love you can give and receive
How to have a resentment-free life

This book will reveal how you can be happier with yourself and be more satisfied in your relationships. You can be more selfish and have people love you for it!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shaelyn T. Pham, Ph.D.
• Release date: Dec 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311215369

Shaelyn T. Pham, Ph.D.

Dr. Shaelyn Pham is a licensed psychologist, best selling author, speaker, and consultant. Her new book entitled The Joy of Me. She is the principal and founder of Psychological Services & Holistic Health, Inc. Her areas of clinical focus include relationship issues, depression, anxiety, anger management, trauma, addiction and borderline personality disorder. Over the past decade, she has had the privilege to share her message of living life to the fullest with tens of thousands of people through inspiring keynote talks, business advice, leadership consulting, as well as training, coaching, and counseling. She also hosts her own talk show on Health and Well-being. Her favorite leisure activities include reading, hiking, cooking, hosting dinner parties, learning archery, having BBQs on nice sunny days in Los Angeles and playing the guitar.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Live Your Purpose

Have you ever felt like you’re always trying to please others at the expense of your own life?

Well, I can relate.

I grew up in a well-educated family with high expectations. Not only did we need to have high grades, but we also needed to be at the top of our class. My parents were very supportive and they tried to do everything they possibly could to make sure I didn’t fall on the wrong side of the track.

To my parents’ relief, I wasn’t a high school dropout. I graduated from college early. I took a year off to work and then moved to California for graduate school. I was working full time and going to school full time. It was hard but I had everything mapped out for my life. Even though I was getting a little tired and running low on energy, I was determined to accomplish everything on my list of goals.

Then, everything crashed and burned after a trip home to visit my family.

Before that visit, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. He was so upset that he lied to my family, telling them that I was dating the head of a gang, who was also a drug dealer. Even now, I can’t believe my family listened to him. My family was so terrified with that idea that they insisted I not go back to California because they didn’t want me to be in bad company, where I could even get killed. They tried to lock me up in the house to keep me safe.

It was a crazy time! I tried to assure them that there was nothing to worry about, and eventually convinced them to let me go back to California. But once I returned I wasn’t the same confident person. I had escaped from my family and their expectations, but I was becoming depressed. There was a small entertainment room in my apartment during grad school that was decorated in blue. It was the perfect room at this stage of my life because I was feeling bluer than blue. I began spending a lot of time just sitting in that blue room. I stopped eating and isolated myself from the world because I couldn’t get out of bed. I called in sick to work and stopped going to school for days at a time.

I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t even call my family. I was hurt and confused, and had hit rock bottom. Eventually I found the strength to reach out to an old friend. He recommended an inspirational book for me to read. It helped a little, but it wasn’t enough.

I had always been certain that I had a purpose in life, but now I had lost sight of it. I knew that I had to find it again. I mustered every ounce of strength that I had left, picked myself up, and started going back to class.

The class was group therapy—a required class in the graduate school program.

In this class, we did a lot of processing. It was during these lessons that I realized I had been trying to live up to my family’s expectations and struggling to earn their approval. At that moment, I knew I had to let go of their expectations and live my life for me. The veil was lifted and the clarity was there. I knew exactly why I wanted to finish my doctorate degree. It was no longer because of the title that I would hold, nor the approval I would get. It was about my own unique calling for psychology, and what I planned to do with that. That challenging period of my life showed me that I had lived far too long trying to please others and live up to their expectations. I realized that this was my life and that it had meaning. I had recovered not only my purpose but had also rediscovered my soul.

Now, my mission is to help others do the same. Your life has meaning, deep worth, and a very special purpose. My passion and expertise is in helping you claim the life you desire!

CHAPTER 1:

HAPPINESS IS IN YOUR HANDS

The key to true happiness is learning to take care of yourself—truly taking care of yourself. You have to be your own top priority before you can achieve this happiness. The first step toward this state of contentment is to know yourself. How do you define the meaning of life? What about your confidence and self-esteem—do you believe you’re worth this happiness? Then, you have to develop your own definitions of success and happiness. You have to map out your destination before you begin the journey. What does success mean to you? What is a successful, happy life? To fully embrace this journey to happiness, you have to be willing to take a chance and really live for yourself—to do what you want. Every day.

Finding the Meaning of Life

It is important to find the meaning of life. You may have pondered the idea at one point or another. Perhaps it did not come out in the form of a statement, but rather as a question.

Why is it important to find the meaning of life? Without having a sense of what life means to you, it’s almost impossible to find your way.The meaning of life gives you a sense of direction, of where you want to go. It was Tolkien who said, Not all who wander are lost. If you are wandering on purpose, then you will enjoy the process. If you are wandering without a purpose, a sense of direction, and intentions, then you will continue to wander in loss.

It is important to find the meaning of life because it gives you a reason for living. It gives you a sense of purpose, which you carry over into everything you do. You wouldn’t waste your time doing something that you see as futile, that doesn’t have a sense of purpose, that doesn’t serve you or anyone or anything—even a plant or your pet. Your very own meaning of life is the reason that gets you up every single morning to go about your day. To look forward to your day. To have an understanding of why you are doing what you are doing. And it explains why you are here on this earth.

There are billions of people in this world but you are not just another face in the crowd. You are not just another person with a name and an age. You are here for a purpose. You are here for a reason. There is a reason why you exist. There is meaning to your existence.

You are here

for a purpose.

So, what is the meaning of life? This million-dollar question has been asked for thousands of years from philosophers and great thinkers to the average layman. Anyone who has breathed has likely asked the question, What is the meaning of life?

No one seems to know the exact answer to that question. Everyone has their own answer, their own definition of the meaning of life. A five-year-old child would probably have a different answer than a ninety-five-year-old man. The five-year-old child may say that the meaning of life is to play and have fun; that is, if the child knows what the phrase meaning of life really means.

That said, go back in time and think about your own life. Go back to when you were five years old, or maybe even when you were two or three. If you had had a curious mind, you would have asked your mom or dad, Where did I come from? If you were observant enough to notice a pregnant woman, or if your mom was pregnant with your sibling, most likely you would have connected the dots and asked, Mommy, did I come from your belly? Her answer would be Yes. You probably asked, How did I get into your stomach? I am so big. How can I fit into your stomach? Why am I now here?

There are many questions that spark the curiosity of where life originates and what it is all about. When you were little, your parents may have told you the story of the birds and the bees. Perhaps when you were older, they may have gone into a little more detail about the reality of how you came to life.

So, you see, at a very young age you couldn’t help your curiosity—it had its own way of wanting to know what life is all about and where it started.

If you were unfortunate enough to have experienced a loss in your life at an early age—maybe your grandpa or grandma passed away—chances are that you asked the question, Where is grandpa or grandma going? Why did he or she leave?

The curiosity of life and mortality is innate in all of us.

Rick Warren wrote a book entitled A Purpose-Driven Life. It is the second-most translated book after the Bible. That says a lot about our society as a whole. It says how intrinsic it is for all of us to desire to know the purpose of life and to have a purpose-driven life. We want to have a sense of control over our lives.

As a society, we want to know more about life. We want to believe that there is more than meets the eye. There is more to life than just to live and finally die.

In the book, Pastor Warren began with the words, It is not about you. But I believe it is about you. I believe it certainly starts with you.

Different religions have various explanations for the meaning of life. Buddhists explain that the purpose of life is to attain enlightenment. If you are Muslim, then it is to worship and devote all to Allah. If you are Christian, then it is to bring glory to God. If you are Atheist, then this is it. This is all you have. This is the only life that you have to live and make the best of it, because when you die it is all gone, and all that remains are darkness and nothingness.

There may be many, many more answers. It depends on who you ask, and the faith each of them subscribe to.

So, who holds the key to the question? Who has the right answer to this fundamental question? What is the purpose for your life?

You have the right answer. You are the one—the only one—who is holding the key to the purpose of your life. It is, after all, your life. You get to choose to make your life how you want it to be; your life is what you make of it. It is a choice that lies within you. It is a choice that no one can take from you but yourself. It is a choice you have that comes with responsibility, and requires ownership. You have a heart to feel and you have a brain to think. With the knowledge that you have gained using your heart and brain, you try to make sense of the meaning and purpose. You can only believe what makes sense to you. If it doesn’t make sense, then it’s difficult to believe.

Personal Traits

Confidence

Confidence can be real and it can also be fake. Fake confidence is more for show. It is the image of how you want people to see you. It is the way that you want people to see you act. It is the persona that you put on, and sometimes you do it as if you were confident even though you don’t feel confident on the inside. You apply the saying fake it till you make it to help you through a situation, to get you through an event.

At times you may feel like an imposter because you don’t feel pretty, handsome, or confident enough, but it’s necessary that you do. For example, what should you do when you don’t feel attractive? What you need to do is get up, style your hair, apply your makeup, put on your best outfit, stand in the front of your mirror—and you look good. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, your actions will respond in turn. You will walk with your head held higher and your shoulders thrown back. As you walk with confidence, people will respond to you differently. They may be friendlier to you. You are more approachable, which helps you to feel even more confident about yourself.

This is how you use the mantra fake it till you make it. However, you may not make it very far because this type of confidence wavers. It is not substantial. It doesn’t build a strong foundation upon which to stand.

A strong foundation of confidence is true confidence. Confidence is the expression of self-esteem. Self-esteem parallels intelligence. No one can really see intelligence but they can visualize the expression of it through testing or problem-solving skills. Your confidence is bolstered by your substantiated self-esteem. What you say is congruent with how you feel and what you think. In order to have this true confidence, you must examine your beliefs and how they came to you. You’ll need to be able to stand behind your beliefs because they make perfect sense to you. For example, you know that two plus two equals four. There is no way around it. You are confident in your answer and it doesn’t matter how others may try to persuade you otherwise. True confidence is when you have no fear of what people think of you. You are not overly concerned with how they think, how they see you, or what they’re going to say about you, simply because you know who you are and who you are not. You are able to discern that what people say and what people think is a reflection of them and not a reflection of you.

what people say

and what people

think is a