Sex and Monsters One: The Spicy Adventures of Hunkle the Bone

By Wocnis

The same characters are featured throughout the five stories, creating an on-going novel with episodes. Packed with fanciful illustrations. Follow the adventures of Hunkle the Bone , Gorgeous Gee Gee Gyhimes, Swag Bagnaggle and Captain Shirley T. Best as they explore the most exotic, erotic and unlikely places in the galaxy. Marvel and laugh at their befuddling, ridiculous predicaments and other-worldly sexcapades.This book is a splendiferous collection of creative, page-turning, bawdy, tawdry, warm and slippery, pseudo-intellectual balderdash that will leave you happily hiding it from your clueless, judgmental friends.

Sex and Monsters is a head-shaking, knee-slapping, stand-up and slap your pappy, good-times hoot. Don't be shy, give it a try. You'll be glad you did!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 17, 2012
• ISBN: 9781483540009

Book preview

shine

Dead Again

Zambu’s Head-Bustin’ Bone-Crushin’ Boiling Hole of Death

Chapter 1

In the Beginning

A half a million years ago a large meteorite, more appropriately called a sponge-rubber asteroid, collided with the Earth. This unlikey event led to the near extinction of humans. When the smoke had cleared, advanced aliens intervened in the aftermath of the collision and re-calibrated the gene pool of anthropomorphic life on the planet.

Let’s mess with their heads, Glaxto said.

Good idea. They were pretty stupid. Always fighting, killing things and throwing trash all over the place, Zareena said. It puts my panties in a bunch.

They need to mellow out.

We can do that. We’ll make ‘em less possessive and greedy.

They need to be nicer to animals.

We can do that, Zareena said. We add a few tails and some long ears to the smartest, cutest ones. Make ‘em lovable and almost irresistible.

Glaxto thought a minute. They need lots more beautiful art, good music and fun, non-reproductive screwing, Glaxto said. "No more kids from something as fun as sex. They need to earn kids to deserve them."

No problem. We’ll make most of them really horny but sterile. No offspring ‘til your brain evolves. We’ll make their zoobie juice wholesome and delicious, too. Teach ‘em to swallow.

What about the good art and beautiful music?

You can’t have everything, Zareena said.

Glaxto and Zereena worked for six days and six nights fixing the human race. Then on the seventh day they screwed. After that, like the diety before them, they lost interest and went on a very, very long vacation from which they have never returned.

……………………………………

Give it to me straight, Doc

Hunkle the Bone was more zonked than normal. This was possibly due to Dr. Cookie Jo Crumbles, his late night oobie-zoobie girl. At least he thought she had been his late night ooby-zoobie girl. Bone wasn’t really sure. His rebuilt brain sputtered and juked like gummy bears and corn starch in a microwave oven.

He vaguely remembered taking ol’ one eye to the optometrist, but the memory was dim. And he didn’t remember his room being covered in oatmeal and frogs either. Little naked fairies seemed to be doing the Hokey-Pokey on the backs of his eyeballs. And ducks. He remembered ducks.Things were still just a bit weird.

The Bone blinked this all away. He yawned and looked around for something to drink or smoke but his apartment had been sanitized.

Dang-spangled scum buckets, he swore.

Hunkle noticed a few new, heart-shaped hash marks tattooed on his worn-out willy. Yep, it must have been Cookie Jo. She was a new age sexologist, not an oobie-zoobie girl but the distinction in this case was blurred.

Bone was not all that enamored of the good doctor. He considered her a whack-job of the third kind.

Fortunately Dr. Crumbles was such a scrumptious, entertaining dolly-do that it offset her particularly kinky, psychiatric proclivities. She was a tall, freckled, red-headed minx, bionically flavored with the taste of sweet, white and a hint of tropical, moonlit seashore. A fine combination. Dr. Cookie Jo Crumbles shagged with a determined, scientific appetite. Her idea of sex therapy was to screw your brains out.

Bone contemplated his exhausted, decorated sportwanger 2000 and wondered if it was time for a new one. They shared such good times together he had become quite attached to this particular whoopie stick.

It was his fifth one, and he liked it best of all.

Bone yawned and pulled the lacy, pink panties off his head. He staggered to his power chair and plopped his tall, lanky body down. He selected ‘mental defrag’ and ‘protoplasmic maintenance’ from the menu board, then he flipped the switch. A shiny, pink and blue spotted metal container folded out of the chair and engulfed him completely in what resembled a large, gaudy trash can. It began humming and shaking. Flashes of light and smoke streamed from the vents and bright colored liquids seeped out and ran down a drain.

Arrrg! No, nooo, yeerrgg ! Hunkle blubbered from inside the container.

The strange can shook back and forth making multipitched electronic noises. Gleep, breep, woooooo, wonka, wonka, breek, brack.

Then it spun swiftly around the room banging into walls, spooging green liquid and venting purple smoke.

Arggggggg …no, no, noooooo… Bone wailed from inside the can.

This went on for about a minute. Finally, the power chair stopped whampulating and came to a halt, wheezing and smoking.

Oh, good, okay, better, Bone muttered from inside the can. Are we done? Yes? …Yes!

The big can opened, belching steam and random sparks. Hunkle bolted from the machine like a swamp fly though a screen door. He gritted his teeth, kicked the chair hard, and then hopped around the room on one leg, holding his other foot.

Dad-gummed, durn-blasted, rat-splattin’ stinkin’ piece o’ friggerin’ junk! he swore.

Bone took a few deep breaths then tried to focus his spinning eyes. Jeezers, I gotta get that thing fixed. He pulled a stinkbug out of his ear and mopped a big sprack of yellow slimy stuff of his head. Either that, or go back to coffee and a shower, he muttered. At least his wanger felt better. He yanked at it to make sure it was still attached.

It was. Now he could face the day.

Bone remembered his impending raft trip and grinned his goofy Bonian grin. Hunkle wobbled over to a large picture window and took in the view. This window overlooked a steep-walled gorge where the mighty, New Colorado River tumbled through a series of scenic, famous, powerful rapids. A million tourists a year came to Grouwer City to admire this Grand Canyon and the space age, amazing city perched on its rim.

Hunkle’s penthouse apartment had the choicest view of all. Bone looked down at the roaring river and rubbed his hands together in fidgety anticipation.

Ha! Puny little riffles! The Bone declared, eyeballing the surging cataracts that roared in the canyon a few thousand feet below. Hunkle, as usual was out of his mind. Too much testosterone and existintoosh. Too many rebuilt nerve synapses and sythiszied brain cells.

The New Colorado River Rapids were ranked among the most challenging and feared in the world. Only a nincompoop of Hunkle’s jaded and cavalier mentality would scoff at the scenic force of nature in the steep walled gorge below.

But that was Hunkle the Bone. Nutty as a bucket of squirrels.

Spinky-little, teensy-weensy, chili-beansy rapids! Bone recited into a recorder then played it back in six different galactic languages. The translations were cryptic.

Hunkle pushed another button and spoke to his new personal nurse and assistant, Miss Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes. Gorgeous was not merely an apt description, it was her real name. Miss Gyhimes was an extremely beautiful extrasexual bio-woman with phenominal sensual pheromone powers.

She had only been in his employee for a short time but it seemed to Hunkle that his new nurse spent a great deal of time having orgasms. Not so much that she masturbated a lot, which she took no precautions to hide, but often Greenie Gyhimes had spontaneous orgasmic episodes that could occure at any moment. She would look at a sunset or a flower or some dang thing that pleased her and the next thing you know she was juicing in her pants. Well, it seemed to Hunkle that there could be less amusing and worse aflictions. The new extrasexual woman sure made things more interesting.

Nurse Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes had the Bone quarantined in his apartment, so he viewed her through a monitor. She looked flushed and breathless. Her bodacious bardoons heaved and Greenie smiled at Hunkle with sloe-eyed contentment.

The Bone was instantly amused by his new assistant. He assumed she had just wet her chair and the thought almost sidetracked his determination. He was bored out of his friggerin’ mind and tired of being locked in his room.

Hey, Sweety-Pie, I feel great. One hundred percent. You can let me out now, the Bone said.

You think so? Miss Gyhimes looked at Hunkle through her end of the monitor and checked her computer screen. Do you feel better after the doctor’s visit?

I’ll say! She banged the bajeebers out of me.

I’m talking about your brain.

Oh. My brain? Yup, all the little birdies are gone, Bone lied.

That’s good, Greenie smiled a skeptical smile, and the spraks?

No spraks, all gone, Hunkle winked at her.

Wonderful! Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes yanked down on her super-short skirt. And what about the little, naked, pink fairies doing the hokey-pokey around the inside of your eyeballs? Hmmm? She put a finger to her lips and raised her eyebrows.

Er, those little fairies? Bone inquired. Are they an issue?

I’m afraid so.

Well, er, there’s just two of ‘em, one in each eyeball. An’ they’re not dancing anymore.

I see. What exactly are they doing?

Oh, come on! If I tell you that, you’ll keep me in here all frickin’ day!

Greenie sighed. Sorry, Boney-Woney, your numbers are still just a bit low. Go take your pills and call me back in a few hours.

I ain’t taken’ no more anti-goofiosis pills. Hunkle said firmly. He vibrated slightly and turned two shades of purple while trying to contain his Bonian temper. Those pills gronklulate my grabwonkler and harsh my mellow. I’m certifiably cured, I tell you.

Dr. Cookie Jo said you were still two bottles short of a six-pack. That was her professional diagnosis. Greenie rubbed her jaw and observered Bone closely.

Nonsense! Bone said. I’m normal as a fig-newton stuffed with Vaseline.

Oh? She told me that you were physically almost up to snuff, pretty good in fact, but mentally as loony as a pig in a tree.

"Blathersprock! I’m supposed to be that way! I’m the Bone! Cookie Jo is the crazy one. She’s a ding-dang, one woman, funny farm with friggerin’ bells on!

You didn’t have a good time?

Well, sure. Once I got used to the idea.

You still seem somewhat overwrought and considerably discombobulated. Gorgeous Greenie said.

The Bone figured he badly needed a few hits off a hootchie stick. Maybe a beer or two. Or a shot of his single malt, Martian existintoosh.

But his new nurse had removed then all. Dang her gorgeous, green hide! Hunkle paced around his penthouse becoming more agitated by the moment.

Have you any idea what I went through last night? he asked. Ducks! I had to diddle her donut in the middle of a room full of ducks! The dang doctor can’t zizzilate unless she’s being watched by her ding-blasted rubber duckies!

Yes, I’m aware of her ducks. She was one of my instructors at the university, you know, Gee Gee Gyhimes said.

You don’t think that’s weird?! Bone scoffed. F$%K ducks, spotted nookie ducks, cream filled suckyduckies! And I hadda be blindfolded! She put bagpipe music to it and filmed us in candy vision! What kind of psychiatric evaluation is that?! She put marks on my weiner! The gal’s fruitier than a trunk full of ripe mangos!

This is not about Dr. Crumbles. Her sanitity is well documented… whereas yours is… ummm… the font of controversy? Anyway, Dr. Crumbles has recommended another course of treatment for you.

That’s a crock! I’m the the dang pillar of sanity!

I’m sorry, Boney-Woney. Miss Gyhimes gave Hunkle a fake sad look and she disappeared from his monitor.

Wait a minute! Who’s the boss here? Bone hollered at the blank screen. Dang your stinkin’ hide, Greenie! I ain’t takin’ no more rat-splattin’, flat-sprakin’ pills! He stomped around his office pushing useless buttons and ranting. I’m the Bone! I’m the dad-gummed Bone! I’m the durn-burned, gol-durned, one and only BONE!

And a fat lot of good that did him.

Bone stormed around the room fuming until a robotic arm sprung up out of the floor and gave him a shot in the butt. Hunkle did the wobbly two-step and collapsed in his chair. The world began to swim around him.

Arrggg! Nooo … not …again! Bone protested as he drifted into La La Land. Sedated again.

Last week Hunkle had gone snorkeling in the Swamp of Slimy Slarge on Scumfester Island and had become infected with a case of spotted neuro-gronkulitis. This is a progressive disease that if left untreated resulted in extreme cognitive impairment as well as the dreaded spraks. Once infected, perfectly normal people would lose their ability to reason, causing them to drool excessively and vote for wealthy, old Respooblicans. Infected people also felt constantly loosey-goosey and spent the best part of a year never far from the porcelain throne.

A fair number of people walked around with spotted neuro-gronkulitis. They drool, and vote constantly, unaware that they are infected. For most of these people, the disease is not noticeable and poses no serious long terms effects, as Respooblicans are often a powerless minority.

However, with Hunkle the effects would be earth shaking. A conservative Bone could tilt the political scales and retard the scientific and social fabric of civilization for centuries to come. The government would stop pumping tranquilizers and birth control into the atmosphere.

A billion disillusioned liberal Bonites might stomp their feet in unison causing the Earth to wobulate on its axis and veer stringently into space. Disaster would ensue.

For many citizens, the Bone is merely an inter-galactic, eccentric, worthless, gink-headed, show-off, no-count, playboy, ding-bat, goof-ball, scummer. However, to his legions of fans, Hunkle the Bone is considered the biological and sociological representative of a better future. The genetically altered Bone is considered to be a liberal champion for creativity and personal freedom.

Heel or hero, whichever the case, Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes was determined to contain him until he was completely cured. That’s what he paid her to do.

Greenie snorted a big whiff of anti-aphrodisiac powder to help alleviate her spontanious spinkifications. She adjusted her firm, stargazing hooters and slipped on her high heel go-go boots. Her light-pastel, seafoam green skin flushed with a delicated, pink blush and her, big, bright eyes swirled like pools of liquid emeralds. She oozed orgasmic pheromones which filled the room with a heady fog of oxytocin and sensual endorphins.

I just love my job! she giggled. "but I must not lose control."

Gee Gee scanned herself with a brainkulater, to make sure her immunity was sufficient and to see that everything else was in order. The calming grosselthorn powder went straight to her nookie and surpressed a random splinkafication.

Oh, my. That stuff is barely strong enough, she sighed. Greenie called on her considerable mental discipline.

The medicine had done what it could. Greenie squeezed her legs together, taking big breathes through her dilated nostrils. Being a natural-born, third generation extrasexual, Greenie had long been prone to spontanious orgasmic episodes. Most anything of beauty or wonder could send her into amusing, uncontrollable, scenic zizzilations. The phenomenon was extremely contagious and people around her were always in danger of spooging in their pants.

Now wasn’t a good time for that.

Greenie checked her computer for Hunkle’s bio-scan and brain wave activity. The Bone was difficult to tranquilize and he needed to be a debilitated Bone. A blotto Bone. The elephant-sized shot in the butt had to put him out.

Come on, Boss. Don’t fight it, she whispered. I’m going to take real good care of you! Before long, you’re going to forget all about that silly Cookie Jo and her ducks.

Miss Gyhimes waited until the Bone was mostly crocked so she could give him the necessary antibiotics. This wonder drug was incubated in Greenies own biologically modified body and was administered sexually. It was a new system that Greenie herself was pioneering and it made her oogey-spoogey just thinking about it. She was getting almost hinky enough to splink again in spite of the powder. It was a tough wait for an extrasexual like Greenie. The urge was strong.

Ooo, oo! Jumpin’ jelly beans! Golly gosh, jeepers me! she murmured. Greenie clutched her muffin and concentrated. She factored mathematical derivitives in her mind and held a dime between her knees while she waited. Anything that might help.

Hunkle may or may not have protested the experimental medical procedure, but Greenie felt it would be best if he was powerless to resist. She was new on the job of keeping the Bone healthy, so she was determined to succeed. No sense in letting that wacked out, space cadet flounder around goofing things up. Perhaps hurting himself or wasting the medicine. Greenie was already aware of Hunkle’s propensity for irratic behavior.

She managed to stifle her poozliscious inclinations.

When she deemed it safe, Greenie unlocked the door and entered Bone’s office.

Hunkle watched helplessly through drowsy, half closed eyes as his beautiful assistant flounced eagerly into the room. She carried her doctor’s kit, but she didn’t look even remotely like a medical professional. She looked more like a hoochie coochie stripper from the planet Babe-ola.

Now, you just relax, Boss, Greenie purred. I’m going to get you all fixed up in no time! Then you can go do your silly off-world rafting.

The Bone watched helplessly as his new assistant moved around the room like an angelic, exotic dancer. He groggily pondered how he had lost control. How things had come to this.

Not long ago when the Bone was looking for a personal nurse and assistant, he sorted through hundreds of beautiful applicants. He put the most qualified women in one pile and the prettiest applicants in another pile. When he got to Greenies application he couldn’t decide which pile to put her in, so he put her at the top of the list. A few days later, when she showed up for her interview in a seductive outfit that looked like skimpy underwear, the Bone was smitten.

This is not my underwear, silly, Greenie had said. My undies are teenie-weenie. These are my dress clothes.

Bone hired her on the spot.

Perhaps he had been a tad shallow and incautious.

Now, only a few weeks later, Greenie was already asserting herself on the job. Controlling him. Bossing him around! Sequestering him! The Bone was boggled.

Greenie wiggled up to Hunkle and shook her finger at him. You’re a naughty boy to carry on like this. You should take your medicine like a man!

Of course this was meaningless to the comatose Bone. He could still see but his eyeballs were spinning and his brain seemed to be floating in a bowl of soggy shredded wheat. Still Greenie looked wonderful and the Bone vaguely wished he was sucking on her left boob.

Greenie touched a few buttons on her control screen and Hunkle’s robotic chair wrapped around him leaving his head exposed. The Bone was held securely.

Greenie stroked his cheek. If you would behave yourself, I wouldn’t have to do it this way. It could be a whole lot more fun. Honestly, you act like a baby. She bent over to turn the dials on her brainkulator, giving Hunkle a fine look at her famous skimpy undies.

If you see something you like, we can get down to business, she grinned.

Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes adjusted the chair so the Bone was lying down. Then she lowered his head to just the right height. We’ll just get you all comfy-poo. There, now, that looks just about right.

Although she was almost fifty percent percent original equipment, Nurse Greenie Gyhimes was truly a miracle of modern genetic science. The pinnacle of extrasexualism.

Using a device called the Bonian Glandular Modifier, Greenie could rearrange the biological output of her organs to produce a wide variety of medicinal compounds as well as change the flavor of her various zizzles.

All extrasexuals had swell tasting zoobie juice and Gorgeous Greenie Gyhime’s zizzle tasted like a combination of butter-rum candy and single malt, Irish whisky. With subtle overtones of campfires, citrus and a nostalgic hint of intoxicating, old fashioned nookie musk. It left a clean aftertaste of forbidden paradise. Just a few drops would juice a room full of celibate monks.

Far more than yummy, her emissions packed a powerful kick. Greenie extrasexual nookie nectar was a rare elixir of extrodinary value. It was perhaps the most valuable liquid in the world. However, unlike some extrasexual zoobie fluids, her’s was not for sale. It belonged only to Greenie and a choosen few.

There were many extrasexuals, but there was no one quite like Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes.

It rarely occurred to her how unique she was and Gee Gee carried on like the sweet, kind, thoughtful person that she was. She attempted to hold her extraordinary powers in check. Young, naive Ms. Gyhimes sought only to better the world and be a great employee for the Bone.

This was her first opportunity to use the new poozle prescription proceedure on her boss, so she was determined to do a good job.

Hunkle was vaguely aware of a great view of tight, pink panties above his head. Then the smell! Ambrosia! The intoxicating miasma of enticing endorphins penetrated his Bonian brain and sent a message of urgency and joyful promise to his sportwanger 2000 and it popped up like a Krell metal jack-in-the-box.

Greenie slipped off her undies and hiked up her skirt. Then she backed in over Hunkle’s head and straddled his face with her creamy, light green thighs.

The Bone burbled dreamily.

Greenie reached down and gently forced his semi-conscience mouth open. Open wide, Hunkie-Pooh, she cooed as she fanned her erect, little peanut.

Bone felt Greenie’s smooth, wet, firm mounds upon his face and the fantastic feel of the tantlizing, tasty treasures turned his clouded mind to a bowl of warm grits.

In his highly drugged state, Hunkle was only dimly aware of what was happening. He appreciated a good face sitting as much as the next guy. Bone had spent many enjoyable hours feasting on some of the most tasty, beautiful women in the world. But nothing quite like this. The Bone was more of a pronger than a grobler. He was not used to being controlled.

Time for your num-nums, Greenie cooed. The next few minutes were something of a high point in modern medicine as Greenie administered the proper dosage.

The world, ready or not, was on the cusp of a new era again.This amazing, new, medical use for sex was going to be highly controversial, and as usual, Hunkle the Bone was on the cutting edge of social change and the new biotechnology.

The Bone had always considered himself more of a pipe layer… a cocksman rather than a nookie nuzzler, but he had never experienced the sensual ambiance of an extrasexual being. It was splendiferous! Too bad the Bone wouldn’t remember it.

Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes was a highly experienced oobie-zoobiarater so her treatment didn’t take long.

She wiggle and giggled and spinkled in orgasmic delight. Two good squirts and six drops. Right down the hatch. Naturally, everyone loves extrasexual poozle juice, but two squirts and six? Holy Moley! Party time in the old cerebrum! The Bone swallowed and exploded in delirious oobie-zoobiation.

Ha! I did it! Gorgeous Greenie burbled triumphantly as she refocused her eyes. Gee Gee was a bit weak in the knees as she wobbled about picking up her things.

Hoo wee, she panted, just what the doctor ordered. For both of us!

Hunkle had his big, goofy grin on his face as he drifted deeper into La La land. The taste was over-the rainbow. Other-worldly nectar of love. Yummy poozle juice the way it should be if he had been god!

Bone dreamed of lounging in a warm pool filled by a plethora of beautiful women masturbating in troughs that cascaded the sweet, wonderous wozzlewine over his head. Fountains of spinkle spurted overhead in an opulent display of universal beauty and exceptionally good taste. Bone swam face first in the liquid, drinking endlessly while being propel around the giggling girls by jets of joy juice spurting from his woody.

Woo hoo! the Bone bubbled in delirium. Then he went comatose.

The only side-effect would be a spontaneously elevated Johnson that would spurt if you even looked at it. Hunkle wouldn’t remember a thing when he woke up.

Nurse Greenie figured one more day of nookie antibiotics then it would be safe to unleash the Bone. Until then, Gorgeous Greenie Gyhimes was in charge of the most powerful man in the world.

That suited her just fine.

In a fit of unauthorized hanky-panky, Greenie decided to fix Hunkle’s woody. She helped herself to Hunkle’s hunky hardware.

It didn’t take her long.

She was rewarded with a tasty, bodiferous spooging that was all she wanted and more. White chocolate with overtones of coffee and rum. A wonderous elixir that reminded her of tropical islands and sail boats.

Bone burbled happily in his sleep.

Oh my …jeepers! That was fun! Greenie smacked her lips. She carefully wiped everything off, especially around her boss. She felt like a naughty sneak. I think I’m really gonna love this job!

She kissed Hunkle’s toes, pulled a blanket over him and wiggled from the room.

…………………………………………………………….

Hunkle the Bone had a reconstituted brain which required almost constant stimulation. It was hard to keep his attention. Being rich, powerful and artificially endowed with youth, the Bone was free to over-indulge himself in almost any gink-headed, dent-brained adventure that he could conceive of. The Bone’s latest fad was white-water rafting and as usual, Bone conspired to drag his best friend, Swag Bagnaggle along with him.

Swag often found himself reluctantly talked into Hunkle’s hare-brained schemes, but truth to be told, Swag Bagnaggle would rather be an arm chair adventurer. ‘You do it and I’ll take pictures’ pretty much summed up his attitude.

Swag was one of those unfortunate people who attracted