Life's Little Book for a Happy Marriage

By Joseph P. Badame

I have had a life-long love affair with my wife Phyliss. She is gone now, but during that time some truths became apparent that resulted in our happiness. Some establish a mind set, some generated a set of rules, some led to a useful exercise, a few revealed some cautions, and all generated a life of happiness and joy. It worked for us. Will it work for you? I really don’t know. Only you can tell that if you dare try. What do you have to loose? Nothing at all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joseph P. Badame
• Release date: Nov 20, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311562463

Joseph P. Badame

Joseph Badame is a retired architect living in New Jersey. He is spending his remaining years working on projects to honor his late wife who was a master teacher. This book is one of his endeavors to pay tribute to her memory.

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Here is a little note before you start reading. I have no way to know the gender of who is reading this book. I believe, however, that it is more likely you are a female. But, regardless, if you read this book, and you say to yourself, Wow, that’s really what I want my marriage to be about, then your pursuit of a happy marriage is only half complete. Your partner must now download the book and read it as thoroughly as you did. You must discuss what you read, agree or disagree, or compromise on some middle ground. If your partner does not want to read the book, disagrees intensely, or does not want to compromise, you folks have a problem, a husky problem. Fix it or move on – better now, before the kids arrive or worse yet when they are three, four, and six. Cutting a Honda in half is a difficult task and it doesn’t run well after you do it.

Keep the book in your Smashwords library for when the next guy comes along. Maybe you need to ask him to download it and read it before your first date. Really, that would save a lot of grief. After reading it, he will either come to your house and get down on one knee and propose on the spot to his dream wife, or he will never call again. Either way you saved a bucket of time. It is like using the book as a prequalification for dating. They do that in racing all the time. Consider your pursuit as a race against your biological clock. Use it to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I am being a touch goofy now, but you get the message. Save yourself a lot of time and heartache. Find out who this guy is and what his intentions are right up front. Life is too short to do it twice, or three times . . . or, oh my.

OK, now, let’s get down to work. The first question that enters one’s mind before embarking on a helpful book about a monumental subject is, Who should read this book and find it helpful? So, let’s answer that question straightaway as the British might say. If marriage means to you and your partner forming a mutual and inseparable bond of love and devotion for a lifetime, then this book is for you. Continue reading without fear or trepidation.

If marriage for you and your partner is some superficial or casual association that is a trivial trial, a test to see how things work out, a toe in the water, then this book is not for you. It will be a waste. Since the book was free, and you spent less than a minute reading these few sentences, then you really haven’t lost anything. Click on the file name and press delete. Enjoy your next book.

Those of you, who remain may want to continue reading until you find that it is not useful for you to continue either for some other reason. I wish for you to enjoy your next book as well. But, if you believe that it may help you in your union with your love, then I will be so pleased that you persevere and continue.

Phyliss would have been so pleased if she were here, for if there is any wisdom contained in these pages, it all originated from her marvelous mind and generosity. If this little book does prove to be helpful to you and your partner, please thank her, not me, for I am her creation.

A word about religion: I see some eyes beginning to roll out there and there are some, again, with their finger on that terrible delete button. I am starting to think, Is anybody going to read this book? But don’t go yet. Bear with me, my dears.

After eleven captivating years, Phyliss and I joined in holy matrimony for forty-five more wonderful years. To us, marriage was a sacred bond, a sacrament, bestowed upon us by our Lord, Jesus, in the Roman Catholic Church. That was our belief and our guide to the end. See the short story, Our Marriage in Saint Peter’s Basilica, if it interests you. Still, with me? Good!

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The advice here has nothing to do with religion if you don’t want it to be. It has to do with good people who have found each other and may want to spend their lives together. It has to do with a contract, a bond, and an agreement between two serious consenting adults of principle who promise to dedicate themselves to each other for the rest of their lives. That promise affects you enormously, but it also has a profound effect on those around you that you care about, those, in turn, who care about you, and potentially even those who do not even exist yet.

Contrary to the thinking of the day,

Your union is not just about you.

So, you see, your marriage promise is not merely made to each other, but to all those others as well. Whether your commitment is sacred or it is not, that shall be your decision and yours alone. But, regardless, your affirmation should be serious and solemn for the good of everyone. The longevity of your union is of benefit to all with whom you associate, including society at large. You probably have some idea what I think of the television show, Marriage at first sight. Reread this paragraph and give some thought to what you think of it. It is a mockery of the institution of marriage. I will address that more a little later.

So give your union the attention and deliberation that it deserves. Sacred or solemn, this decision is beyond my purview to contemplate. Make it serious, make it earnest, make it devoted and loving, and make it permanent. That is all I am humbly suggesting. The rest is up to the two of you. There are only two of you, aren’t there? Two is complicated enough, folks. No more deletes are allowed past this point, please. You’re stuck. I now control your reading device.

Finding your soul mate to marry can be very difficult.

Getting married to your soul mate can be equally difficult.

Being married to your soul mate can sometimes challenge your soul.

Those are the easy parts. Now comes the tough part.

Staying happily married to your soul mate for life and honoring your vows can be near impossible. Unless . . .

After getting through the first three stages of the successful pursuit of blissful marriage, the question is, What is the secret to lasting through the staying happily married part of matrimony for the rest of your lives?

Just as you are unique individuals apart, together you become an equally unique couple. You are a couple with individual personalities that when brought together form an exceptional chemistry that exists no where else on Earth except within the confines of your unique bond. There is no other like yours.

The description of your chemistry is not found in a book or on some web site or contained in a compatibility study. It is not found on the internet. It is not found in a counselor’s office or on his couch. It is not found residing the mind and advice of a trusted friend or family member. So it is futile for you to search in these places for that extraordinary description.

There is one source that will define and allow your chemistry to stay alive and support the two of you for always. Don’t waste your time looking for that secret outside your enchanted bubble. The prescription for a long, prosperous, and happy marriage resides only within you and your beloved companion. She is beloved, is she not?

Because you are a particularly singular couple, it is easy to assume that there are no common threads to hold you and many other couples together in happiness. But there are. I will attempt to address as many as I can in the following pages.

Chapter one: Passionate Love

The secret to a long and healthy marriage is possessing unwavering, selfless, passionate, unconditional love and devotion for each other. Only by having these traits will you stay together and avoid disasters. Those are profound words but they are just that, words. Actions have a much louder voice. While executing these loving actions, it is not essential to enjoy the same people, things, activities, or places.

If each of you loves the other more than you love yourself, then that is all that is necessary. All other things should be made superficial and secondary. They are not permanent. They come and they go like the changing seasons. They are dispersed by the wind and washed away by the rain only to be replaced by something or someone else, maybe more important, but usually much less important.

Sometimes you change these circumstances swirling around you. Often times they are changed by you voluntarily, or involuntarily, by finances, circumstance, time, disability, or individual preferences.

These magnets that seem to initially attract you and hold you together are rarely permanent. Sometimes they are helpful, especially in the beginning of your love, but they are akin to building a house on sand. They are not suitable on which to build your lives. When the sands shift or are washed away, the house crumbles and is washed away with it. These perfunctory crutches are not satisfactory devices on which you should build an association to last a lifetime.

Constant, unconditional love is the only engine that will transport you both to the end of your journey – no obstacles, no detours, no breakdowns, no surprises, and no hesitations should stand in your way.

There is no substitute for unconditional love and devotion and without them your marriage is destined to fail or, equally as tragic, to be so much less than it could have been.

The attraction should be to each other not some thing or some activity or some group or other commonality. If you love each other you will share everything, regardless of its nature, for the joy of being together in each other’s company. Your attraction should be her and her attraction should be you. There is no one and nothing else in the world. It is as simple as that. You should be equal and exclusive partners to survive the bumps in the road that life will surely present you.

You see, if things, activities, persons, or common interests are your bond, then what happens when you tire of these interests or you are no longer capable or desirous of participating in them? The bond breaks with the disappearance of the commonality. The feelings that you have for each other must be the bond, not something external. The external elements make life more enjoyable, they fulfill, they enhance, but they are not the rock on which to build your union.

Please remember my comment on religious belief and involvement. If you believe in a higher power, do make that your focus in your love. It will strengthen it. If you do not, that is your prerogative and yours alone. It is not my purpose to convince you, one way or another. I am deeply convinced that the belief should be mutual. I aspire for your marriage to be all that it can be pursuant to your vows to each other and for your good and the good of all those around you. That’s all I wish.

Saying you need time away from each other, to think, or to recharge is like saying you need time away from your right hand. I know it