On a First Name Basis

By Norm Foster

David, a successful novelist with writer's block, has received some devastating news he's kept to himself. Lucy, his housekeeper of twenty-eight years, has her own secret that she's afraid to admit. As Lucy is getting ready to end her shift, David invites her to stay and have a drink, curious about the woman who's been tending to his house all these years. But as the night sets in and the drinks start to flow, secrets reveal themselves, for better or worse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Playwrights Canada Press
• Release date: Oct 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781770912823

Norm Foster

Norm Foster has been the most produced playwright in Canada every year for the past twenty years. His plays receive an average of one hundred and fifty productions annually. Norm has over sixty plays to his credit, including The Foursome, On a First Name Basis, and Hilda’s Yard. He is the recipient of the Los Angeles Drama-Logue Award for his play The Melville Boys and is an Officer of the Order of Canada. He lives in Fredericton.

Book preview

Norm Foster

On A First Name Basis

Playwrights Canada Press

Toronto

For my close friend and trusted director, David Nairn.

Contents

Dedication

Production History

Characters

Time

Setting

Act 1

Act 2

Timeline

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Also By Norm Foster

Copyright

On A First Name Basis was first workshopped at the Bermuda Musical and Dramatic Society from May 7–13, 2012, with the following creative team:

On A First Name Basis was first produced professionally at Theatre Orangeville, in Orangeville, Ontario, from April 4–21, 2013, with the following creative team:

Characters

David Kilbride: Sixty-two years old. A novelist.

Lucy Hopperstaad: Fifty-four years old. A housekeeper.

Time

Evening. November.

Setting

The home of David Kilbride.

ACT ONE

It is a large older home. There are two big wingback chairs with a table between them. There is a plate with a fork on it and a coffee cup and saucer on the table. There is also a music player in the room and a remote control. It is a wealthy man’s study. The exit to the kitchen is stage right and the exit to DAVID’s office is stage left.

As the lights come up, we see DAVID Kilbride sitting in a chair reading the newspaper. He drops one section of the newspaper on the floor beside him. LUCY Hopperstaad enters stage right. She sets a glass of cognac on a coaster on the table.

DAVID

Oh. Thank you, Miss Hopperstaad. Is it seven-thirty already?

LUCY

Yes, sir. Seven thirty-two.

DAVID

Seven thirty-two? Then you’re late, aren’t you?

He laughs.

I’m kidding, Miss Hopperstaad.

LUCY

Of course you are, sir.

DAVID

It was a joke.

LUCY

Of course it was.

DAVID

You knew that, right? That it was a joke?

LUCY

Yes, sir. From the moment you said it was a joke.

DAVID

You know, I do have quite the sense of humour, Miss Hopperstaad.

LUCY stares at DAVID.

What’s wrong?

LUCY

I’m waiting for the punchline to this joke, sir.

DAVID

You don’t think I have a sense of humour?

LUCY

…Once again, sir, waiting for the payoff.

DAVID

Miss Hopperstaad, I’ll have you know that in my writing circles I’m known as quite the comedian.

He drops another section of the newspaper onto the floor.

LUCY

In your writing circles?

DAVID

Yes.

LUCY

With those gentlemen who write papers on the rate of photosynthesis in gymnosperms and the benefits of potassium bisulfate as a food preservative?

She picks the newspaper up off the floor and sets it on a shelf.

DAVID

Yes.

LUCY

Well, I don’t doubt that you are the class clown of that group, sir.

DAVID

How do you know about potassium bisulfate?

LUCY

It was discussed during the group’s last gathering here. I was in the kitchen.

DAVID

And you overheard us?

LUCY

Overheard every word. Even with my head in the oven and the gas up full.

DAVID

Now, Miss Hopperstaad, those meetings aren’t that tedious. True, these gentlemen are from the science field for the most part, but they are all writers nonetheless, and it is beneficial for writers to assemble on occasion for the exchange of ideas.

LUCY

Well, sir, I don’t think they’re exchanging ideas as much as they’re sitting at the feet of someone like yourself who has actually been published. They’re here in the hopes that some of your luck might rub off on them.

DAVID

Luck? Do you think it’s because of luck that I’m published?

LUCY

Not entirely, Mr. Kilbride.

DAVID

What do mean, not entirely?

He picks up his glass and drinks.

LUCY

I think it was a stroke of good fortune that your last novel saw the light of day, but the previous works were well-deserving of publication.

DAVID

You’ve read my novels?

LUCY

Every one.

DAVID

That surprises me.

He sets his glass down, but not on the coaster.

LUCY

And why is that, sir? Because I am merely the hired help? A societal ragamuffin who would have no interest in an activity that doesn’t involve someone shouting out bingo numbers to an assembled crowd of sweatpant-modelling chain-smokers?

She places his glass back on the coaster.

DAVID

No. It’s just that I write spy novels. I wouldn’t think spy novels would be to your taste. Besides, you’ve never mentioned to me that you’ve read them.

LUCY

Would you like a report every time I read one, sir?

DAVID

No, I just thought that at some point you might have mentioned in passing that you were enjoying them.

LUCY doesn’t answer.

…Reading them.

LUCY

I’ll make a mental note of that, sir. Employer’s ego needs stroking. Done.

DAVID drops another section of the newspaper onto the floor.

Shall I draw your bath now?

DAVID

You never draw my bath. I draw my own bath.

LUCY

Oh, that’s right. I knew there was something you did for yourself.

She picks the newspaper up off the floor and sets it on a shelf.

Right then. If you require nothing else of me then I shall call it a night.

DAVID

Wait a minute.

LUCY

Sir?

DAVID

What was wrong with the last one?

LUCY

The last what, sir?

DAVID

The last novel. The Brazilian Exchange. You said it wasn’t deserving of publication. Why?

LUCY

May I speak frankly, sir?

DAVID

Well…

LUCY

It was boring. It got bogged down in a lot of gratuitous detail. I would even go as far as to say that you seem