Assariyah: Still Standing

By La'Toya Makanjuola

After serving a seven year sentence in one of London’s most notorious prisons, Assariyah is back and ready for a fresh start. However, she soon discovers that you do not have to be behind bars to be in prison. An unexpected family tragedy leads to shocking revelations.

Desperate and alone, she returns to the game that almost ended her life. When the fast lane is all you know, it is very hard to slow down. Will Assariyah still be standing when she is confronted with her past demons?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Troubador Publishing Ltd
• Release date: Nov 28, 2014
• ISBN: 9781784628086

La'Toya Makanjuola

La’Toya lives and works in London. She studied at the University of the Arts London where she gained a BA (Hons) in Media & Cultural Studies. She has taken her passion for writing to the next level and transformed it into Assariyah, her debut novel.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

It was pouring down with rain the afternoon I was released. As I walked through the prison gates, I inhaled the sweet smell of freedom. Once I was safely outside of the gates that had kept me trapped, suffocated and confined for the last seven years, I took a moment to stand still. I let the rain beat down on my body. To me the rain symbolised a fresh start. The rain was washing out my past demons, sleepless nights, the hurt, the pain, the loss, but nothing could wash away the emptiness. I still had a long journey ahead of me to be where I wanted to be.

The prison guards gave me some money for transportation, which I was grateful for because I didn’t have a single penny to my name. I followed the road signs and kept walking until I reached Caledonian Park Station. I was bedraggled and looked like a wet rat, but I was free from the cage. The only thought on my mind was getting to my mama’s house. That was the only place I could go.

Seven years may not seem like a lot of time, considering I could have been facing thirty years. However there is something about being caged like an animal that drives you crazy. No matter how strong you are, you have your good and bad days. Meditation and prayer kept me sane, but a part of my spirit died. It died not only in prison but the day that Jasmina killed my baby. Another part of me died when I lost Cameron for good. So you see there is very little of me left.

A lot can change in a day, so seven years away from your surroundings and everything familiar becomes unfamiliar. A stranger in a lost land is the best way to describe how I felt. As I approached my childhood street, I noticed that so many things still looked the same but it was different at the same time. Everything looked bigger to me but in reality there was no change. I felt smaller in the open space, after being confined behind four walls for so long the world seemed so much bigger in my eyes.

I walked up to my childhood home slowly. The last time I was here was seven years ago. I came to see Ma, we sat down and ate jollof rice with chicken. Ma gave me a serious talk about my ways and how unless I changed, my life would continue to go down a downward spiral. I promised myself I would change, I really wanted to. I had just found out I was pregnant after many years of thinking I wasn’t even able to carry a baby. I had seen this blessing as my miracle. After dinner Ma had gone to lie down. I remember clearing up and then a copy of Pride magazine distracted me. I was flicking through and admiring the latest must have pieces when I got a shock. There was an article about the UK’s black successful power couples and I saw a picture of Stephen Richards, my latest and last client. He flew me out to Miami for a couple of weeks, all expenses paid and seventy grand for each week I was out there. Seeing Stephen wasn’t such a big deal, the major blow was who he was with. Standing right next to Stephen was my ex-best friend, Jasmina. The crazy bitch who had ruined my life by reading out sordid details of my affair with Tyler right in the middle of my wedding ceremony to Cameron. Yep in front of everyone, Cam, Mama, the priest and everyone fucking one.

She had destroyed my one chance at true happiness and at the time I had wanted to get my revenge. Karma was a bitch and she deserved double dose for her callousness. According to the article, Jasmina was now a doctor and together with her MP husband they were pulling in major dough. Naively I saw this as my lucky break, I put a plan together and decided to blackmail Jasmina and Stephen. She had stolen everything from me and I so badly wanted her to feel a fraction of the pain and hurt she had caused me when she destroyed my happy ending with Cam.

I ran home and looked through my things, I was pleased to find out that I still had the footage of Stephen and I fucking at the Setai in Miami. I made a few copies on DVD and mailed one to Jasmina and Stephen. I demanded five million pounds in cash from them and stated that if I didn’t have the cash, her husband’s dirty affair would make front page news.

Five million was life changing or so I thought back then. I was convinced that my unborn child and I would be set for life. I had been in a foolish state of mind and believed in money over everything. Laughable now really, considering I lost everything. What use was five million, or any amount in fact, without your freedom?

Back then I had been caught up on getting my revenge and getting my hands on the money. I was thrilled when Jasmina contacted me and agreed to meet up but things hadn’t gone as planned.

She had laced my drink with Mifeprex and then taunted me that she had caused me to have a miscarriage. I was blinded by fury and in a moment of madness I had reached into my Birkin, grabbed my Snubnose.38 and pulled the trigger. I emptied five rounds into her before turning the gun on myself. My baby was dying inside me, there was nothing left for me on earth and I wanted to end it all. I pulled the trigger but it was in vain. I was out of bullets.

As they were a high profile couple, living in an exclusive area, police, ambulance sirens and even reporters had quickly surrounded the scene. I was arrested and was told that I was facing at least thirty years. Luckily Cam hooked me up with a formidable lawyer, Barry Grant, and he got me off on a lesser charge. I got seven years, I did my time and now that I was free from the prison bars I just wanted to see my mama.

That was then and this is now. I took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell. To my surprise my sister Nayla opened the door.

Assariyah, she uttered in shock.

Hey Nayla.

What are you doing here? I thought…

I got released today and wanted to see Ma. I didn’t know where else to go.

The look on her face changed, her eyes filled up with sadness.

Assariyah… she paused. Ma died.

Oh my God… No!

I was overcome by sorrow. She had to be wrong, Ma couldn’t be dead.

No, no, no, no, no, this can’t be true. I cried uncontrollably. How? What? When? Why?

You better come in and sit down.

My brain told my legs to put one foot in front of the other, but somewhere along the lines of communication my legs missed the memo. I stood frozen still, I couldn’t move.

I said you better come in, Nayla pressed.

Slowly I remembered how to use my legs and made it into my childhood home. The smell, the layout was different, so many memories on the verge of being erased. I refused to believe what Nayla had told me about Ma, but looking around I knew it was true.

What happened? When? How? Why didn’t you fucking write to tell me?

Tears began to fall down my face, my heart ached beyond description.

I had a right to know, I had every right to be there at Ma’s funeral. She was my mother too. How could you? You robbed me of my chance to say goodbye.

And you robbed Ma of her life, you cut her life short. It’s all your fucking fault she’s dead.

What? How can you say such a thing?

How can I say such a thing? Well let me see … First you brought shame on the family by having your whorish ways broadcasted in the middle of your disgraceful wedding ceremony.

You have no right! Ma forgave me.

Forgave you yes, forgot … no! But you know just when she was slowly getting back to herself, you had to go and commit fucking murder.

You make it sound like I did it on purpose. I never meant to kill her.

Fuck what you meant to do … Let’s talk about what you did do. When you pulled that trigger, you didn’t just kill Jasmina, you killed Ma too.

Her words were like daggers to my heart, what was she saying?

The day you got arrested, Ma was worried sick out of her mind, then you got sentenced and she died on the inside. She couldn’t bear the thought of you in prison. Why do you think she only visited you once? After that visit, her blood pressure went out of control. She was in and out of hospital for years. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep. Stress and a broken heart killed her.

My God, I had no clue, whenever she wrote she said she was fine. When her letters finally stopped coming and I didn’t get a response over the last six months, I just thought she needed a break. Why didn’t you tell me Nayla … Why? I screamed before breaking down in pieces.

Why? Because I blame you Assariyah, you broke her heart, stress killed her. You robbed me of my mother, robbed my children of their grandmother and I don’t want shit to do with you.

I’m so sorry, Nayla forgive me. I have nowhere else to go.

This is our home now and you’re not welcome. You are poison, pure poison Assariyah. Now get out and don’t you ever come back here. You are dead to me, fucking dead! She cried as she pushed me out of the house.

She slammed the door behind her with so much anger, I was surprised the glass didn’t shatter. I wish it had because I needed something to slit my throat with. Ma was gone, I was all alone and had nowhere to go.

CHAPTER 2

I ended up in my childhood park, it was located roughly ten minutes away from where we lived but I have no idea how long it took me to get there. I was discombobulated, getting out of jail was supposed to be a fresh start for me but I felt like my life was already over.

‘It’s all your fucking fault she’s dead.’ Nayla’s words replayed over and over again in my head. Was she right? Did I kill Ma? The very thought of not seeing Ma’s beautiful face again sucked the air right out of my lungs. How could Ma be gone? I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, to pay my final respects to the amazing woman who had given me a life line in more ways than one. No, Ma couldn’t be dead, she just couldn’t be. Ma was superwoman, she handled it all but maybe Nayla was right. I was Ma’s kryptonite,