No Backsies!

By Phil Wohl

Father and son feel like they are unhappy in their lives and decide that cosmically switching bodies is the way to go. Richard Malone calls "No backsies!" and he and his son embark on what seems to be a permanent arrangement.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phil Wohl
• Release date: Aug 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311553454

Phil Wohl

Phil Wohl is a professional writer by day and fiction novelist by night. Wohl has written more than 50 books and eight screenplays as an independent author. The author gains pleasure from people feeling anything and everything through his words.

Book preview

No Backsies!

Phil Wohl

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2014 Phil Wohl

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ONE

It was Friday night and Samuel Malone was sitting in the passenger seat of his mother’s Volvo station wagon, dreading another weekend with his father.

Why do I have to come here anymore? the 16 year-old whined.

Because it’s important to spend time with your father, recently divorced Diane Malone replied.

Samuel was frustrated and angry and was quick to correct his mother, You don’t ever want to spend time with him! Heck, you barely spend time with me!

Diane was an expert at ignoring her son as she stopped near the curb outside of her ex-husband’s rented townhouse.

Have a good time, Sammy, she said as she looked at the clock. Diane had only five minutes to get to her dinner date, although she was more than 10 minutes away.

Samuel clutched his book bag and then glared at his mother and she corrected herself, Have fun, Samuel.

He exited the car and slammed the door, as his mother peeled out down the block even before the door made a loud thud.

Why do I have to be a parent to my parents all of the time? he grumbled and stomped up to his father’s front door, using his key to gain access instead of waiting and waiting for his father to open the door.

Welcome to the Jungle by Guns ‘N Roses was blasting in the upstairs area, which was a few steps up from the front door. It was pointless for Samuel to announce his arrival because his dad would not even hear an airplane landing in his living room. He walked into his makeshift bedroom and then placed his book bag down on the futon. Samuel then saw a light on in the master bedroom so he figured his dad must be getting ready and he ventured into the kitchen to see what kind of fast food had been delivered for dinner.

What he saw next might have destroyed any last chance he had to live a ‘normal’ life. Richard Malone, who had somehow been the male DNA donor swimming in Samuel’s gene pool, was squatting over the sink with a pair of scissors and an electric trimmer in his birthday suit. He picked up his head and was happy to see his son, Just doing a little manscaping! he exclaimed as he jumped down off the counter to the floor, where he picked up a pair of black shorts and slid them on.

He walked by his son with a clipper-full of pubic hairs and added, You can never be too clean down there. Women really dig a man that does the proper maintenance.

Richard had used the top of a pizza box as the receptacle for his grooming, which ruined his son’s appetite for the pizza.

Can I eat something other than pizza tonight? Samuel asked, not trying to get into a discussion on his father’s rather public personal grooming routine.

What? You love Pizza Prince! You never said no to it before! Richard replied, thinking he might be losing touch with his teenage son.

Samuel thought to himself, I never saw you trimming your private re*ion over the box before, but he said Do you have any macaroni and cheese left?

His father walked up the fridge and opened the freezer section, pulling out a frozen box of mac and cheese and then removing the frozen block from its packaging and tossing it in the microwave for a few minutes.

They ate dinner, Samuel navigating through the scalding and cold parts of his meal and eyeing Richard undoubtedly getting a little more fiber in his diet than anticipated. After dinner, Samuel cleared the kitchen table and attempted to tackle some of his homework, but his father was having none of that.

What are you doing? It’s Friday night! Who does homework on Friday night?

Samuel sense of humor was sporadic and often was intellectual-based satire that most humans didn’t understand. Usually when people asked him a question, whether it was a humor-based or serious, he would answer it with a straight face.

I do, if I want to get into a top school.

While father never stopped messing around through high school, college and now adult life, son was about as serious as an I.R.S. audit.

Why is it so important for you to get into a good school? Richard asked. It’s not like that really matters anyway.

Samuel had a few options in the way he could have applied, but the high road appeared congested and the middle ground did not appear attractive, so he jumped into the gutter and started slinging.

He looked his father up and down and replied, Look how it’s worked out for you. You never took anything seriously and all we do is struggle. I doubt you even worked hard a day in your life, Samuel concluded through the eyes of a child. A child that had never known what is was like to try to feed and clothe a family.

While Richard was initially outraged by his son’s naïve observation, he didn’t exactly disagree with most of what he said.

Okay, he said at first in an attempt to calm himself down. When was the last time you had all of the weight of a family on your shoulders? You don’t know what I do every day! Why don’t you come to work with me on Monday and you can see what I do?

Samuel had no school that Monday because of a Teacher’s Learning Day, although he surmised that the level of additional learning that teachers needed would take much longer than just a day. He tried to come up with a bunch of excuses why he couldn’t go, but all that came out of his mouth was Okay.

WORK

Richard Malone had never taken his son to