Too Weird

By Christamar Varicella

A jealous young man plots to kill his grandfather's dachshund. A pair of conjoined twins have differing opinions on whether or not to separate. A hypochondriac writer is faced with the decision of either finishing his magnum opus or going to the hospital to treat a spider bite. A young man suffering through a mental breakdown takes refuge with the blue whale in his bathtub. Too Weird is a collection of seven short, darkly humorous stories by Christamar Varicella.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christamar Varicella
• Release date: Aug 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310742392

Christamar Varicella

Christamar Varicella is the author of the The Reverend, Too Weird, and Dinosaur Ghost. He posts chapters of his novel-in-progress Blood Cries at christamar.com.

Book preview

TOO WEIRD:

Stories

by

Christamar Varicella

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Christamar Varicella

Attachments was previously published in 580 Split

The Blue Whale originally appeared in Minnetonka Review

Wiener Roast was published in The Broken Plate

A version of le Chat appeared online at Clockwise Cat

The Floating Dock was published in Birmingham Arts Journal

A version of The Experimentalist appeared online at JMWW

Contents

Introduction

Attachments

The Blue Whale

The Story Some Guy Never Wrote

Wiener Roast

le Chat

The Floating Dock

The Crushing Hand

The Experimentalist

About the Author

Acknowledgements

Introduction

The title of this book can be credited to my eldest nephew who, at thirteen years of age, came across an early version of Attachments, read the first sentence, and pronounced it too weird. No one who had read the story at that time disagreed with the assessment, although it did elicit an enthusiastic response from a professor of mine to whom it was submitted during a creative writing class at the University of Alabama. Another teacher had been at least as enthusiastic about an early version of Wiener Roast, my first story written since childhood. Despite their enthusiasm the stories weren’t suitable for publication and, at that time, (between 1996-1998) I had no idea how to get them published even if they had been good. As is still the case, I had interesting ideas but lacked the basic ability to carry them across. I was also pretty lazy back then. Both stories sat in a drawer, so to speak, for ten years or more before finally landing in small literary journals.

Despite their weirdness, I like these stories. I think they contain interesting characters involved in interesting situations told in an interesting ways. I won’t delve into the meanings of any of the stories, if there are any; if anything they were interesting distractions from my life during a time when I wasn’t particularly enjoying my life and I needed a way to gain some degree of control.

Attachments

I know how Billy feels; I can read his mind.  I've always been able to sense when he is upset at himself or with me.  I'll turn to my right and see the narrowing brow and the glossy shimmer of anger in the corner of his eye, and I'll know instantly he is about to attack.  I can even foresee his strategy.  And yet, before I can brace myself, my legs will fly out from under me and I'll fall to the ground.  My butt will slam hard against the living room carpet, and Billy will be on top of me before I can jam my thumb in his nose.  He'll pin me down, and then, as I lie helpless, he will reach under my shirt and give my left nipple a ferocious tweaking.  Titty twister.  Titty twister.  Titty twister, he will chant. 

I always know it is coming, but for some reason I can never prepare an adequate defense.  As well as I can read his mind, he always reads mine first.  Not all brothers share the kind of psychic bond Billy and I share.  We also share a nipple. 

We're your average, every day, run-of-the-mill Siamese twins.  I'm on the left and he's on the right.  Billy prefers the term conjoined.  It sounds more scientific.  Almost dignified.  And it lacks the stereotypical flavor of the proper adjective more commonly used to describe our condition.  Billy says I have a twisted sense of humor.  I like for people to call me Siam Sam.

As kids we used to walk in synchronized steps.  Like Laverne and Shirley!  Billy got tired of it after a while.  He said it was silly.  He preferred to play Dukes of Hazard.  I said it was hard to leap across the hood of your Dodge Charger carrying another person.   Billy said it was better than acting like a couple of girls.

In addition to our mutual nipple, we also share a waistline, a liver, and a pile of intestines, which makes it tricky for us to come unstuck.  Our doctors call us omphalopagus.  I say all our crap is intertwined.  Billy hates it when I say