Invasion from Fred

By Richard Herr

Joey is twelve years old, the age when boys have a hard time figuring things out. Something new has come along to add to his confusion: there's a fire hydrant in the woods that's talking to him. The hydrant is actually an alien from Mars who's assumed that shape. The alien says his name is Mars and calls his home planet Fred. He is on Earth looking to discover his true self and what appearance he should assume for the rest of his life.
Joey enlists his friends, Calvin and Kate, to help the alien find his identity. In the process they get embroiled in an environmental battle over a strip-mining operation. With the help of Joey's grandmother, they learn the values of preserving the environment, and in the end, they actually do manage to prevent an invasion from Fred, or Mars, with the help of a cat named Roscoe.

Invasion from Fred is a Comic fantasy appropriate for middle-grade readers that concerns itself with the issues of coming of age, finding one's identity, the state of the environment, as well as gender and generation gaps.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Herr
• Release date: Jun 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9780991298112

Richard Herr

Enter the Author Bio(s) here.

Book preview

Chapter 1

On the fringes of the town were the woods, a refuge of quiet activity where one could escape the hurly-burly of the world outside. This sylvan rhapsody of babbling brooks, twittering birds, and chittering insects--was rudely interrupted as a ball of fury barreled through its depths.

Joey stomped his way over a downed tree trunk in indignation, overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all: How could such a thing have happened to him?

Flying in the teeth of all this rage was a small thought in the back of Joey’s mind, a quiet voice of reason that said there was a possibility--just the smallest chance that his grandmother could be right, and he

could be wrong. This brazen piece of logic had crammed its way through and settled itself into a back corner of his mind before Joey decided: No! No way that was possible!

A girl had started all of this! She had totally demolished any possible future he had as a major league baseball star.

Joey’s mind never entertained the fact that since he was still in his early teens, he had a little wiggle room to regroup and thereby achieve major league stardom.

Joey squeezed his blue eyes down into thin slits in fury.

All this had happened because of a stupid girl.

Why do they have to be so smartass? Joey asked, addressing the question to the air.

I don't know. Maybe they need to make their other end smarter, the fire hydrant said.

Joey paused. He had a couple of questions. First, what the heck was a fire hydrant doing out here in the woods? Second, and more importantly, what was it doing talking to him?

He turned to the hydrant and asked, What are you doing talking to me?

You started out talking to me, the fire hydrant countered, logically.

I wasn't talking to you, Joey denied.

Who were you talking to, then? This fire hydrant seemed to be awfully nosy.

Myself, Joey snorted, wondering how the fireplug had insinuated its way into the conversation.

Well, why were you talking to yourself? Why can't you just think thoughts in your mind and not say them out loud? the hydrant asked.

Well, I can, but sometimes it's better to say them out loud, Joey explained.

I'll have to try that. The hydrant paused for a moment. People certainly are strange around here.

What? Joey asked.

I was just doing that thing you told me about, talking to myself.

You're not supposed to do that unless you're alone, Joey explained.

But you weren't alone, The hydrant pointed out.

"I didn't know that. I thought I was alone."

Oh, I see. Then the next time I'm alone, I'll give that a try. The hydrant seemed to want to fit in.

Joey looked at the hydrant sitting there beneath a tree. What are you doing in the woods?

Well, I was talking to myself, but I stopped doing that, the fireplug explained.

No, I mean what's a fire hydrant doing in the middle of the woods?

Where? Where's a fire hydrant?

The hydrant then appeared to look around--well, as much as a hydrant could appear to look around.

"Right here. You. You're a fire hydrant."

I am?

Yeah. Didn't you know that? Joey wondered how a fire hydrant could not know it was a fire hydrant.

I look like one because I picked out the first thing I saw, the fireplug stated. I thought I'd give it a try, looking like that thing.

Joey had a lot of questions. He decided to ask the one that would be most helpful. Don't you know fire hydrants don't belong in the woods?

Well, I can't be sure. I'm not from around here, the fireplug replied.

Where do you come from? Joey asked trying to clear up some of the questions in his mind.

A wonderful planet! It's named after our great god of war. His name was Fred.

Fred?

Yes.

All in all Joey was not happy with the answers he was receiving to his questions. Nevertheless he decided he'd try another one. What's your name? he asked.

I've got a pretty boring name, the fire plug confessed, as it dropped its gaze down to its mounting bolts.

What is it? Joey hoped that the answer would be better than the last one he received.

Mars.

Joey did his best to try to put the two answers together into something logical. You're Mars from Fred?

Yes.

You sure you're not Fred from Mars? Joey asked. If he got that answer it would sync in with everything else he knew.

The hydrant giggled and covered its product label with its end cap in embarrassment. That was the closest it could come to covering its mouth with its hand.

That sounds really funny. No, I'm Mars from Fred.

Where is Fred?

It's the fourth planet out from Esther up there.

Up where? Joey questioned, looking up at the sky to see if some girl was flying over the woods.

There in the sky, the fire hydrant pointed with his nozzle cap.

The only thing Joey could spot above them was the sun. You mean the sun? he asked, completely confused.

There you go using funny names again. Mars, the hydrant, giggled again.

Unable to straighten out the loose ends of this conversation, Joey ran his hand through his sandy-colored hair. Maybe if his unruly mop behaved, and he could get it to lie down and be orderly, it could influence the rest of the world to fall into some sense of order. However, his hair must have been listening to the conversation, because it continued to go off in all sorts of different directions, just like the conversation.

Joey thought the whole world had also been refusing to be orderly--especially this Mars guy who could turn out to be even more confusing than girls?

Chapter 2

There you are, Calvin said, as he wandered up to Joey. He wore a black t-shirt, and a tight Afro.

What're you doing talking to a fire hydrant? Calvin asked. He paused and reflected What's it doing out in the woods?

This isn't a fire hydrant, Joey said.

Sure looks like one, Calvin pointed to the hydrant while still looking at Joey.

Well, at least that's something, said Mars.

Calvin puckered his lips in confusion. You see what happens? he said to Joey. You start talking to a fireplug, it starts talking back.

"I wasn't talking to it when it started talking to me," Joey said.

That's true. He was talking to himself, Mars agreed. That's something funny you folks do here on George.

Who's George? Joey and Calvin asked pretty much together.

"It's not a who. It's a what," Mars answered.

Okay, what's George? Calvin asked.

That's here.

What's here?

George.

Where?

Here.

Weren't we just saying this a minute ago? Calvin spluttered in frustration. He put his hands on his hips and hunched his shoulders up to his ears to make himself look like someone with a mission. Let me try again. Where is this George--who is here?

It's this place, this planet, Mars elaborated.

Oh, you mean Earth! Joey said.

That's a girl's name! Mars giggled.

So you call this place-- Calvin uttered slowly, pointing down to the ground, --George?

Yes.

Calvin stared at the hydrant for a minute. He decided to give up trying to talk to Mars, so he turned to Joey. What--uh--who is this guy? he asked.

He's Mars from Fred, Joey replied, hoping Calvin could understand.

You mean Fred from Mars, Calvin said.

No, Mars from Fred. Joey shook his head, ruefully.

Man, this is really confusing, Calvin pursed his lips.

He didn't like things that got too involved.

Chapter 3

Turns out, the woods were becoming a really busy place.

I thought I'd find you here, Kate greeted Joey as she joined the group. Why did you bring a fire hydrant out here?

At her appearance, Joey immediately reverted to his earlier black mood: Kate