Mr Farty Pants

By Nikolaj Vigrim

Mr Farty Pants is born with a bang, trumpets his way through life and finishes with a even bigger bang!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nikolaj Vigrim
• Release date: Nov 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311918932

Nikolaj Vigrim

Nikolaj lives in Auckland, New Zealand with his long suffering partner, their four children and a cat that thinks she's a tiger. His work as a yacht captain takes him away for long periods to far flung corners of the globe. It's a full on job but when possible Nikolaj escapes into a fantasy world of teleporting clouds and flying cats to write stories for his children. He used to write these out long-hand but more recently has been tapping them out on an i-pad and publishing them online. While his children are rapidly growing up, the younger two are firm fans and always demand a bedtime story when Dad is home.

Book preview

Mr Farty Pants

by Nikolaj Vigrim

Published by Nikolaj Vigrim

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Nikolaj Vigrim

Illustration by Lulu

If you enjoy reading ‘Mr Farty Pants’, please take a minute to rate it.

Many thanks to Christopher for Bob Bugerboy

And Zoe for her love of everything horrible and nasty

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Also published by the same author at Smashwords

‘Harry’s Pocket Book of Clouds’

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/464755

‘Princess Rose’

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/404176

'The Adventures of Blackcat'

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/285060

'Harry the Cloud'

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/286417

'Lucy'

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/287311

‘Cabo’

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/309911

‘Strange Happenings at No 4’

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/311520

This story is dedicated to Basildon Bob's dog, Perry, whose deadly farts where enough to curl the hair on your head.

For the print version please follow this link

Mr Farty Pants – The Book

Look out for Nikolaj Vigrim on Facebook

Contact the Author

[e-mail]

Chapter 1

Faaaart! Bam! Boomptha!

Flames and goop flew everywhere then all was quiet, thick pungent blue smoke left hanging in the air.

'She just exploded!' shouted a fat lady, breaking the silence. 'Right in front of me. Like one moment there was this pregnant lady, all puffed up huge, like she was about to blow, then bam, flames and smoke, she blew!'

'Get off!' said a young lad, picking himself up off the ground.

'She did too, I saw it with my very eyes. Did, did, did,' insisted the woman, wiping something horrible off her brow.

'Get off!'

Whaa, whaa, whaa

Wha Wha Wha

Faaaaaaaaaaart!

The smoke blasted away and there lay a little baby.

'Well, I'll be,' exclaimed the woman, wobbling her way over and carefully picking up the newborn baby.

She cradled it to her breast, goop and all, rubbing its back to sooth it.

Faaarrrt

'Fong-o, you horrible thing,' she scolded, half smiling, half grimacing, as a toxic cloud of greeny-yellow fart gas engulfed her.

Mr Farty Pants was born

Chapter 2

'Spontaneous combustion, no way!' said the policeman. 'You're telling porky pies.' He scribbled Baby found abandoned, no witnesses in his notebook and scooped up the little baby.

The girls at reception loved it when a baby was bought in but this one was different. He was cute, all babies are cute, even baby rhinos and lampreys and leeches.

This one was different, he was musical, he trumpeted.

It was gas attack at the police station.

The police left standing called the ambulance people who called the fire-brigade who turned up in fart proof suits, dragged out the casualties then took the baby to an isolation unit for contagious infectious diseases at the hospital.

'Cute?' pipped the nurse's muffled voice from behind her gas mask. 'Like a baby polar bear!'

Chapter 3

The doctors didn't know what to do with Mr Farty Pants. At first they wore radiation suits, with built in rebreathers like what you see on the movies, then they built a special room where all the air got sucked up into the ceiling. It worked a treat, sucking the fart gas safely away but lifted the nurses dresses and sucked everything up