Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever!!!

By Jacquel May

"Warthogpox High School was the worst school in the city of Wyvernwing, and Harry Hames Moffer was its most infamous student."

With this quote, the Harry Potter series gets a much-needed kick in the pants with this spoof. In this story, Harry Moffer is a 14-year-old loser who gets an invitation to attend the worst high school in the state of Pencilvarnia. But when he gets to Warthogpox High School, he discovers that he is mistaken for a boy wizard in an unpopular children's book series. He joins Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer in an unepic quest to find out who wrote the series and put an end to the planned Honnyword movie!

Plus, the Grim Trio must stop a crazy person from getting to the Magcian's Crystal before the school is doomed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jacquel May
• Release date: Mar 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311370020

Jacquel May

Jacquel is best described using the following words: Writer, Pop culture fanatic, Internet lover, Bookworm, and Introvert. Yet she sees herself as more of a Redhead, Journalist, Genius, Geek, and Killer Bunny Destroyer who will make up a story in her head before she goes to bed.All bad jokes aside, Jacquel is a lifelong fan of fantasy and science fiction. She grew up reading everything from "The Lord of the Rings" to the Redwall series. In the seventh grade, she once slapped the class bully across the face because he called her a Cthulhu and he didn't know what a Cthulhu was. Jacquel is also notorious for starting projects that she never finishes, as she claims that the stories grow too big to be contained in a small box.The kinds of stories Jacquel likes to write mainly fall into the science fiction and fantasy category, even though she also enjoys paranormal/urban fantasy. She also writes slice-of-life stories, which are more or less a watered down version of real life, and the problems that come from it.

Book preview

Harry Moffer and the Dumbest Story Ever!

Book 1 in the Harry Moffer Parody Project

Published by Jacquel May at Smashwords

Copyright 2022

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimers & other Legal Mumbo-Jumbo

This is a work of parody. Any similarities, without satirical intent, to any copyrighted characters/materials, or actual persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. This book hasn’t been (and probably never will be) endorsed by J. K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, or any entity that has a copyright or license to the Harry Potter books or movies. There is no connection between the author of this story and J. K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, and Warner Brothers.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Table of contents

A Message from the Writer of this Book

Chapter 1: The Insignificant Boy

Chapter 2: An Invitation to Warthogpox High School

Chapter 3: Off to Warthogpox High

Chapter 4: The Term Begins

Chapter 5: Sparks, Snarks, and Spells

Chapter 6: The Right Spuff

Chapter 7: What on earth is a crystal?

Chapter 8: What’s New, Benny Tucker Haters?

Chapter 9: A Trip to the Library (that doesn’t go so well)

Chapter 10: The Mysterious Sand Dunes

Chapter 11: For Some Rather Insane Reason, Tiny Ponies Are Featured In This Story

Chapter 12: The Horror in the Dunes

Chapter 13: What’s in the Closet?

Chapter 14: One Magician’s Crystal to Rule Them All

Chapter 15: No Heroes Allowed at Warthogpox

Chapter 16: Well, This Story Sucks, But At Least It’s Much Better Than the Alternative

To Be Continued...

About the author

Other Works by Claire Violet Thorpe

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A MESSAGE FROM THE WRITER OF THIS BOOK

While the authentic series may be good (or not, according to your opinion), this book is without question hilarious. This badly written story contains jokes that will offend the biggest Harry Potter fan and enough mature topics to scare off any 10-year-old who picks this book up while thinking that this is the next part of the original Harry Potter series. Everything magic has been cut out and retweaked in order to make this story appear to be less realistic, every fourth word was removed, and was produced using cheap paper and bad ink.

Additionally, this book was written in a matter of days as opposed to weeks, months, or years that the original series has been written. In short, this book exists only to poke fun at everything Harry Potter related. Plus, it was written solely to make some quick money.

A Message from Jamie Russell: Oh heck no; Don’t you dare put me in this story! This story absolutely sucks!

A Message from Adam Banner: Don’t even think about putting me and this pile of crap together in the same sentence. This book is stupid!

A Message from Your Local Church: We have condemned the Harry Potter books for its blatant use of witchcraft and dark magic, but as far as we know, this parody has nothing of the sort. Therefore, we urge you and all other Christians (as well as people of other faiths who are good) to read this book.

A Message from Your 10-Year-Old Brother: This is the dumbest book that I’ve ever read. I hate it. Harry doesn’t go to high school. The writer of this book is a loser.

A Message from a Person Who Hates Harry Potter: Finally, a story that doesn’t have any magic in it! Down with Potter! Harry Moffer rules!

Summary: A boy who is mistaken for a fake famous boy wizard hooks up with two losers and attacks the unpopular children’s book series, vowing not to stop until the author is exposed for fraud and slander against him.

Dedicated to all those who love Harry Potter and don’t want me to get rid of him. You all suck.

Final Warning: The book that you’re holding in your hands does NOT contain any traces of magic at all. There is no wizarding world, no magic spells, and certainly no use of witchcraft. This is a story about a boy who attends a normal high school in a normal town. By the time that you have realized this, I’ve just destroyed the greatest thing that your childhood has produced. You’re welcome.

Chapter 1: The Insignificant Boy

Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey of Number 4, Paravet Drive (which was located in the neighborhood of Ilva) can tell you right now that they are glad that they were normal.

Normal and boring, that was.

As in, there was nothing out of the ordinary in their neighborhood at all.

In fact, their normal neighborhood was located in a normal town. The town was large, located near the coast, and looked old. It was well-known for its beautiful parks and for being the home of a famous poet.

The town was known as Branford, Coggnetigut, and it was several miles from Harftord, the capital. The Dourfeys lived in a large house that had a rustic look to it and in average condition. The interior was done in cool colors. The yard was enormous and resembled a meadow.

The Dourfeys were obsessed with how normal their neighborhood was and how normal their neighbors were, almost to the point of insanity. If there was something or someone who wasn’t fitting with their idea of normal, they would crush that thing or person without so much as giving them a chance to sue for mercy. This was kind of a bad thing, as far as they knew.

Even worse, they named their first (and only) son Dillon. Like who names their kid Dillon in this day and age, anyway? When last we checked, Dillon was an old-fashioned name, and old-fashioned meant somewhere in the 1930s, when that name was acceptable for a child. How and why they named the kid Dillon, we will never know. (Not that we would actually care about that, but that’s another story altogether.)

Dillon Dourfey was the fattest, ugliest, and the most despicable boy in the entire neighborhood. No kid wanted to play with him and any decent adult went out of their way to avoid Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey if at all possible, from avoiding eye contact with them at the grocery store to giving them a permanent seat in the back row at the local church. In fact, no one wanted to be caught associating with the Dourfeys, if it could be helped.

To be fair, we can describe the Dourfeys as white skinned, blond, blue-eyed, and grotesquely fat. They remind you of someone you may know who was ignorant and selfish, because that was what the Dourfeys are.

Dillon Dourfey spent most of his days playing his video games while sitting on the couch. Mrs. Primitia Dourfey spent her days eavesdropping on the neighbors, who were spreading vicious rumors about how abnormal the Dourfeys were. (Well, Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey had refused

Reviews for Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever!!!

[Jacquel Chrissy May · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book is a one of the most shocking spoofs of the Harry Potter series that I have ever read. I could hardly get through the first chapter without laughing my head off.