Dottie's Daughter Mother Never Loved Me

By Rosie Robinson

My name is Rosie Robinson and I am the author of "Dottie's Daughter, Mother Never loved Me". This book is about my life growing up in a household with both parents who suffered from mental illnesses such as, my mother's explosive disorder/schizophrenia/paranoid behavior. My little brother being autistic with explosive disorder. My father also had schizophrenia which is a severe case of multiple personalities.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 15, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483518183

Book preview

well.

INTRO

BIRTH:

Being born was hard from the start. My birth was not an easy birth especially when my mother was at the pinnacle of her disorder. Being that my mother is illiterate and was considered to be a retard from Willow Brook Psychiatric Institution she had difficulties communicating with the doctors delivering me. My mother didn't understand what she was asked to do. When the doctors asked her to push she pulled because she didn't understand the meaning of the word push. The doctors kept saying

PUSH Ms. Humworth PUSH PUSH PUSH you must PUSH"

There was no pushing the only thing you heard was loud unbearable screaming. Yet, the doctor’s continued to say

PUSH Ms. Humworth PUSH PUSH PUSH

My mother yelled at the doctor and said I don't know what that means! My father and my aunt Dottie were also there in the delivery room. They tried to help my mother understand what the doctors were asking her to do. My aunt Dottie was saying in a high pitched voice

PUSH, Odessa! PUSH! Odessa, push the baby out! Odessa, you have to push the baby out! PUSH! PUSH! you can do it Odessa! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!

My mother started crying out loud along with saying Dottie what does that mean? I don't know what that means!" Then my father started sweating and yelling from the top of his lungs at my mother saying

Odessa, PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! Odessa, PUSH! PUSH! but she still was unreceptive.

My mother's frustration had led her to become upset and extremely violent towards the doctors. She began screaming, cursing, biting, scratching, spitting, and kicking at the doctors. She made vulgar comments such as You better get this fucking baby out of my stomach right now, or I will kill you fucking doctors and this fucking baby!, I hate this baby! I hate this fucking baby get it out of me now! Every other word was a curse word and the doctors were getting hurt, frustrated, and nervous. The chaos had almost caused me to die until they called the head doctor. Dr. Larsint Immediately gave my mother a C-section and I was saved from death.

{Although, I was born out of a deep evil seeded hatred mother’s womb. My mother had a beautiful baby girl, eight pounds nine ounces and she named her Rosie.}

After the birth Dr. Larsint clearly saw that my mother was unable to take care of me, so he suggested that I would not be released to my mother. He broke the bad news to my aunt Dottie and my father that I cannot be released to my mother because of the state of mind she was in at the time of the birth, but Dr. Larsint gave my father and my aunt Dottie the alternative he gave them the chance to fight to keep me before turning me over to the states. My aunt Dottie went to court and was able to get legal guardianship of me. I tell you, my aunt Dottie was the best aunt you can ever have.

{Thank you aunt Dottie for keeping me normal and safe may your beautiful soul rest in peace}.

My aunt Dottie cared for me as if I was out of her womb. She loved me so dearly that I never experienced the pain and hurt that I experienced with my mother. My aunt Dottie was so very loving and considerate to my mother she allowed my mother to see me on weekends and sometime she would let me go stay with my mother for a month or two, even though she wasn't supposed to.

CHAPTER ONE.

CHILD OF THE BLACK BEAST.

I clearly remember one day at the age of seven my mother’s entire house was dark and depressingly dreary. The walls were ashy black, cracked, and peeling. It was summertime the sweltering, stuffy, humid, dog days. The humidity was extremely high, due to that I was drained and exhausted-although, my mother had every single window wide open there was still no breeze coming through the house.

{I was very abashed and shameful of my mother’s apartment by virtue of poverty.}

My mother and father had no air conditioner, no fan, and no palm leaf, in their apartment to cool us all off with. Therefore, my little brother and I were very hot, sticky, sweaty, and restless. I was so hot that I wet one of my little brothers Tee shirts because mother didn’t believe in washcloths. I wet my little brothers Tee shirt in cold water then I wringed some of the water out-afterwards, I put the cold damped Tee shirt on my forehead and on my little brother’s forehead, but that didn’t help much I was still burning up and getting agitated at the same time, so I took my cheap flaming hot polyester shirt off, then I quickly put on my tank top.

Afterwards, I dolefully laid on my mother’s couch then I looked up at the ceiling and said to myself Why am I here? I thought my mother heard me because she woke up in a mean rage. She started walking around the house talking to herself out loud and answering herself back. Then she begin throwing, slamming, and breaking, everything throughout the whole house, It was like an evil spirit had entered her body. Yet, it was clear to me that my mother did not take her medicine for her schizophrenia and it was time for her to do her every day ritual on me and my little brother which was to use us as her human punching bags. My mother hated the sight of me and my little brother every time she looked at us she would throw in a slap or a punch.

However, the very next day was the first of the month and that was a big day for my mother that was the day she received her SSI check for her and my little brother she was supposed to be happy.

{Though evil is never happy}.

My mother woke my little brother and I up at Five o’ clock am in the morning then she went into the kitchen and she put a big pot of water on the stove then she boiled it until it was hot because there was no hot water in the building. Right after that my mother went into the bottom of the kitchen cabinet and she got some bleach, comet cleanser-plus, detergent powder then she put all three chemicals in the boiling water. The next thing she got was my panties to wash us up with my panties were her favorite cloth to wash us with. My mother washed all three of us with the same panties and the same dirty black water. All three of us were washed, dressed, and ready to go downstairs to wait for the mailman at Five forty five am.

While my little brother and I was waiting for the mailman our stomachs were both empty and growling because we were extremely hungry. Yet, Six o’ clock am came and went, Seven o’ clock am came and went, Eight o’ clock am came and went, Nine o’ clock am came and went, Ten o’ clock am came and went, and the mailman still haven't arrived to our building yet. I kept asking mother Mommy, when are we going to eat? she said Shut up bitch! When I get my check and cash it! I said to myself I wish this mailman would hurry up and come. When my mother, my little brother, and I, were in the building waiting for the mailman people were going to work, going to school-plus visiting other people. Yet still no mailman. The mailman didn’t arrive at our building until Two thirty pm.

Howbeit, my mother kept her promise she cashed her check and afterwards we all got on the number 4 train then we got off at 161 Street and Yankee Stadium. We walked up a hill and went into a restaurant across the street near the Supreme Court house. When we got inside the restaurant we all sat down at a table. Then a waitress came over to our table and asked my mother what would you like to order today? My mother said Three cheeseburger deluxe and three grape sodas. I said Mom I don't like grape soda my mother said Well give her a sprite the waitress wrote down what my mother ordered on her pad and said Thanks, I'll be right back with your food.

The waitress took forever to come back. She took so long that my little brother got extremely upset, agitated, plus frustrated, and without hesitation he started scratching me and digging me deep in my face with his sharp nails, he also started scratching my mother on her arms. My face immediately begin to bleed from the scratches and so did my mother’s arms-my mother tried to calm my little brother down by taking her hands and rubbing his back gently along with saying Ok, Antonio your food is coming, your food will be here soon baby Don’t worry Antonio your food is coming, your food is coming now Then my mother yelled out loudly in a very nasty tone of voice saying

EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!

Where the hell is my waitress? With our food! My son is very hungry!

{My little brother didn't want to hear that crap at all. Antonio wanted to eat Now, and he meant Right Now.}

My little brother begin to rock his upper body back and forth really fast along with making all kinds of loud high pitched weird strange noises then he started banging his head and hands on the table. People were staring at us it was very embarrassing. So my mother got upset and she took her hand then she back slapped my little brother in his face by her doing that to him made things worse, my little brother went un-tamely wild and he quickly jumped out of his chair and he started banging his head on the floor.

As for me, I was ashamed I was looking around at people I didn’t know what to do, so I saw a pay phone inside of the restaurant then I asked my mother Mommy can I please have some change so I can call my aunt Dottie? my mother shouted at me in a very angry, bitter, voice and said For what!? I said So I can speak to her mommy, I haven't spoken to my aunt Dottie in a while.

{On the account of me saying that my mother gave me the change, but I could see it in her face that she was really upset at me for wanting to call my aunt Dottie.}

After my mother gave me the change I got up out of my chair really quickly then I walked fast to the pay phone and I called my favorite person in the whole wide world my aunt Dottie. The phone had rung three times then my aunt Dottie picked up her telephone and said Hello I said Hi, aunt Dottie immediately she knew it was me.

My aunt Dottie said Hi sugar How are you doing? I said I'm okay, I miss you aunt Dottie My aunt Dottie said I miss you too baby Then she asked me How is school? I said I like school, I'm getting good grades so far My aunt Dottie said That's good baby, keep up the good work I said I will aunt Dottie Then my aunt Dottie asked me How do you like your mothers neighborhood? I said It’s okay my aunt Dottie said Did you meet any new friends? I said Yes one girl her name is Cashmere and she’s really nice My aunt Dottie said That’s sweet, Rosie where are you? I said I'm in a restaurant with my mother and my little brother My aunt Dottie said Where at? I replied At a 161st and Yankee stadium My aunt Dottie said Your mother must have gotten her SSI check today I said Yes she did my aunt Dottie said That was very nice of Odessa to take you and your brother out to eat today I said Yes it was.

Then the next thing I heard was this loud sound like a beast calling my name saying

ROSIE, COME HERE! YOUR FOOD IS HERE! ROSIE, DON’T MAKE ME HAVE TO GET UP!

My aunt Dottie said Rosie, what's that loud noise in the back ground? I said That’s my mother calling me telling me that my food is at the table My aunt Dottie said Good gosh! I could hear Odessa through the telephone was she drinking? I said Not yet My aunt Dottie said Ok baby I better let you go eat, enjoy your food and make sure you kiss your brother for me and tell your mother I said hi I said Ok my aunt Dottie said And sweetie make sure you keep in touch you can call auntie at any time and I mean that ok, auntie loves you I said I love you too aunt Dottie, bye bye then we both hung up the telephone.

I was so happy after talking to my aunt Dottie I had a big smile on my face that was until I got back to the table. The first thing my mother asked me was What did you tell Dottie!? Before I could say anything to my mother she said You better not have told her nothing about me bitch! I said in a nervous voice I didn’t I didn’t mommy I didn’t say anything about you but my mother didn’t believe me so she balled her fist up and she punched me in my face and knocked me out of the chair. I was on the floor holding my face, yelling, screaming, and crying because of the pain. The people inside the restaurant couldn't believe their eyes they couldn't take in or respect what they just seen, they were shaking their heads, sighing, and whispering to each other.

Meanwhile, my mother was furious at me for no reason and she was very annoyed towards the people in the restaurant. My mother started talking out loud in this very angry, deep, mannish, voice looking down at me saying to me Get up you little bitch! I said get up now bitch, before I rip your fucking head off! Fuck these fucking people in this restaurant they can't help you! They ain't gonna do a damn thing to me, I wish a mother fucker would put their hands on me! No one said anything or did anything, I guess she scared everybody. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even catch my breath I felt like someone took the wind out of my little body. I couldn't even see out of one eye every time I try to open my right eye it would close back down by itself I had no control over it anymore. I couldn't even get up off the floor I felt so weak and dizzy.

Yet, I do remember a guy running from behind the counter with all white on and a white net on his head he picked me up off the floor and sat me down in the chair then he put my head back and put a piece of raw steak over my right eye. Then he looked at my mother and said in a stern concerned voice Are you crazy lady! What's the matter with you!? This is a child I should have you arrested! My mother stared at him with a grizzly mean face then she hog spit on the restaurant floor and told him to Mind his fucking business! Afterwards, she went into her pants pocket and pulled out some money then threw it on the floor. Immediately my mother grabbed me and my little brother hands then she walked out the restaurant.

We quickly walked to the train station and got back on the 4 train to go home. When we got on the train people were staring at me because I was still holding the raw piece of steak over my right eye. I didn't care because the steak felt really good on my eye and I could feel the pain going away slowly.

Moreover, I cared less about the people looking at me I wanted my mother to look at me and tell me that she's sorry for what she did to me-plus, tell me that she loves me and that she'll never do it again. But of course that didn’t happen. She paid me no damn attention, in fact she went ahead and embarrassed me some more. She started begging people for money on the train. My mother began to talk out loud saying My son is retarded, and my daughter can't talk I looked up at her and squint my eyebrows down and open my mouth and said Huh? She continued to say "My daughter just fell on the ground outside and hurt her face because she is so weak and hungry.

As my mother was saying that my little brother was screaming very loudly and shaking his head rapidly from side to side along with jerking his head and neck back and forth. My mother didn’t even glance Not once at my little brother she carried on and said I have no money, I have no food in my house to feed my children, I have no electricity in my apartment And my family do not want to be bothered with me or my children-plus, me and my children are about to be evicted from our apartment.

{My mother was not lying when she said she had no food in the house, and her electricity was off more than it was on. Candles were my mother’s best friends}.

With no shame my mother kept the ball rolling and she carry forward to say Please can you give me some change to feed my children? The people on the train felt so sorry for us some of them had tears in their eyes and without hesitation they begin to give my mother Coins, One dollar bills, Five dollar bills, Ten dollar bills, I even seen some one give her a Twenty dollar bill. After my mother saw how easy that was she took me and my little brother on almost Every train and Train cart and continued to beg along with repeating the same lines over, and over, and over again. When we finally got out the train station my mother had Money, Food, Cigarettes, Cards, with people name and numbers on them so she can get the help she needed to feed her and her children.

Unfortunately that was not good enough for my mother she was not satisfied my mother said Rosie, we’re going to the welfare center I said Now my mother said Yeah right now, don’t talk back to me bitch! Because I need to put your ass on welfare so I can get some money and food stamps for you. With my right eye still in pain I had no other choice but to go with my mother. I guess the good thing was we didn’t live that far from the welfare center so we walked, but the bad thing was It was a heat-wave outside it was scorching hot and the humidity was very high and as we were all walking I started sweating heavy my clothes began to stick to my body-plus, I was dying of thirst.

In the brume of it all I notice that we were passing a few small grocery stores but not once did my mother say to me or my little brother, Are you thirsty? Do you kids want something to drink? The only thing my mother cared about was going to the welfare center and getting some money so she can spend her money on Liquor, Drugs, and her new man the Gigolo/Pimp.

Howbeit, when we did finally get to the welfare center my mother thought that she can just walk inside the welfare center and someone will be standing there waiting by the door with a check or some money in their hands ready to give it to her. Unfortunately that’s not how the system works it's a process but you couldn’t tell my mother that. My mother was highly upset when we got to the welfare center and so was I, because the welfare center was extremely crowded inside and the people were shamelessly noisy-furthermore, babies were crying left and right children were playing, screaming, and running wild all over the place and to add on to that there was this huge long line with a tons of American blacks and Latino people on it.

{My mother has no patience so seeing the long wait really aberrant her and made her lawless.}

My mother looked down at me and said I’m not waiting on this fucking line! And she didn’t my mother walked straight passed everyone then she walked right up to a case worker while the case worker was sitting down at her desk talking to a client.

My mother rudely interrupted their conversation and said with a nasty mean attitude Excuse me Ms. I need to talk to you! The case worker looked up at my mother and said Ms. you have to go stand on the line before me or any of the case workers can see you. My mother said I’m not waiting on no damn line, I need money right now! The case worker got up out of her chair and looked directly at my mother and said I’m sorry but I didn’t get your name My mother said my name is Odessa Humworth Why? the case worker said Ms. Humworth, is this your first time here? My mother replied Yes The case worker said Ms. Humworth you have to wait on line like everyone else then you have to go get a ticket with a number on it and wait for your number to be called then after your number is called you have to fill out some forms for us so we can see if you’re qualified to receive public assistance.

My mother said Lady you must be crazy! I ain’t going through all that bull shit Ms., and I ain’t filling out no forms because I can’t read or write, You’re gonna give me a mother fucking check today! The case worker said Ms. Humworth, calm down we can't give you a check without knowing anything about you my mother said My name is Odessa Humworth and I have two children that are very hungry and we don’t have no food in our house what more do you need to know bitch! the case worker got upset and said I had enough of you, I’m calling the cops My mother said Call the cops bitch! I ain’t scared of no cops! The cops know me! They know who I am.

{I said to myself my mother is going to jail today.}

However, the cops came to the welfare center in No time and my mother cursed them out in No time, she cursed the cops out so bad one of them started turning pink, orange, and red in the face. The other cop was astonished-yet, very serious he was saying Lower your voice Ms., I’m not going to warn you again lower your voice My mother paid him no mind she kept on cursing and yelling like a drunk out of control sailor, she was saying Fuck you police!, You fucking no good cock suckers! Go fuck your selves and your mother! You dirty bastards! I ain’t never liked you bitches anyway! You all can kiss my ass! I hate you mother fuckers! My mother was foaming heavy at the mouth spit was flying everywhere it was horrible, she was beyond angry.

The cops called for backup and about five minutes later there were about twenty cops that came to the welfare center for my mother. They grabbed my mother put her in handcuffs took her outside and put her into the police car. Then they put me and my little brother in a different police car and took us all down to the precinct. When we arrived at the precinct my mother went crazy inside of there, she was cursing up a wind storm calling the cops all types of vulgar names.

Her wig was hanging off her head and leaning to the side her bobby pins were sticking straight up out of her head-plus, she had white dry spit all around her mouth, my mother started dropping down to the floor the cops were sweating and struggling to pull her back up, then she begin Hitting, Spitting, Kicking, and Ripping, their shirts and badges off of them. The cops were scrambling and battling with my mother just to take her to the cell in the back.

{I tell you, it took a whole team to get my mother into the cell}.

After the police officers finally got her into the cell I could still hear my mother cursing and hollering with that loud deep voice of hers all the way up in the front where me and my little brother was sitting at.

{It was scary.}

Yet, a few minutes later one of the officers sat down beside me and said Hello, what is your name? I replied Rosie The officer asked Is that your mother? I said Yes The officer said She is one strong cookie I replied I know Then the officer asked me Is that your brother? I replied Yes he looked at my little brother and said Hi I said He can’t talk, he was born like that The officer said I’m sorry to hear that after that the officer asked me How old are you? I replied I’m seven years old The officer said And your brother? I said He’s four years old then the officer asked Do you have a family member that can come get you and your brother? I replied Yes, my aunt Dottie the officer asked Do you know your aunt’s telephone number? I replied Yes The officer handed me a pen and paper and said can you write your aunt’s name and telephone number down on this paper for me please...I said Ok then I took the pen and paper out of the officers hands and I began to write my aunt Dottie’s full name and number on it’ after I finished, I handed the paper and pen back to the officer...he said Thank you Then he walked away.

Thirty minutes later my aunt Dottie came walking through the door. When I saw my aunt Dottie I quickly jumped up out my seat and I ran to her along with giving her a tight huge hug and kiss, I was extremely happy to see my aunt Dottie.

{I LOVED MY AUNT DOTTIE VERY, VERY, VERY, MUCH.}

When my aunt Dottie hugged me back I could feel the love A mother’s love The first thing my aunt Dottie said to me was Sugar pie, are you ok? I said Yes, auntie my aunt Dottie said Where is your brother? I pointed to the right and said he sitting down over there, my aunt Dottie immediately went walking over to my little brother and picked him up out of his seat then she gave him a hug and a kiss.

{My aunt Dottie loved my little brother Antonio just as much as she loved me.}

As my aunt Dottie was doing that one of the officers walked up to her and said hello, are you related to Ms. Odessa Humworth?, my aunt Dottie looked at the officer and replied...Yes, my name is Donatella Humworth and Odessa Humworth is my sister, then she asked Where is my sister? The officer replied your sister is in a cell in the back, my aunt Dottie immediately asked What happened? The officer said we got a call from the Rider welfare center saying that a lady was disturbed and out of control and when me and my partner arrived to the welfare center your sister was in fact emotionally disturbed and verbally abusive to everyone including me and my partner she left us no other choice we had to arrest her.

{My aunt Dottie shook her head with shame, she was very embarrassed.}

My aunt Dottie asked When will my sister be released? The officer replied...Ms. Humworth sorry it’s out of our hands it’s up to the judge and do remember it’s Friday Ms. Humworth your sister probably will get to see the judge on Monday, my aunt Dottie replied Thank you very much for the information, can u please tell my sister I love her and not to worry I have her children and I will be at the court house on Monday morning. The officer replied Ok Ms. Humworth I will thank you for picking up her lovely children they were great sports through it all...my aunt Dottie said I know, it’s a shame that her children had to go through this".

{My aunt Dottie was very sad and hurt, but she held her head up high with dignity.}

My aunt Dottie gently took me and my little brother hands and all three of us walked out the precinct and went walking to her car and when we got to my aunt Dottie’s car the first thing she did was opened the back of her car door then she picked my little brother up and sat him in the back seat and put his seat belt on. As for me, I was already inside the car I was sitting on the passenger side with my seat belt on waiting patiently for my aunt Dottie.

When my aunt Dottie got inside the car she looked at me and smiled then she leaned over to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and said I love you, then she put her seat belt on and started the car then she begin to drive. Before we got to the light my aunt Dottie proceeded to ask me question.

My aunt Dottie said Rosie, what happened inside the welfare center today? I said I don’t know what got into her, my mother just went crazy inside that place My aunt Dottie said I know Odessa is crazy but something had to trigger her off...I said I think my mother might have been drinking some liquor My aunt Dottie said What! I said Yes I saw her sipping on something...my aunt Dottie said Rosie, are you sure that’s all you seen your mother do? Because I think Odessa is doing something else more than just drinking some dog gone liquor...I said I don’t know I always see her drinking liquor or beer...my aunt Dottie said Odessa have to be on something else acting like that I said She might be my aunt Dottie said I can’t believe this mess Odessa is just getting worse and worse day by day.

{I could see that my aunt Dottie was hurt and upset at my mother, but when we arrived to her house she calmed down a little, Although she was still talking about the situation but not as much. I think the fact that my mother was in jail troubled my aunt Dottie the most.}

Nevertheless, after my aunt Dottie settled in she gave my little brother a bath, right after he finished taking a bath I took a bath, then my aunt Dottie cooked us something to eat. After we ate we all watched a little bit of television then shortly after I went to bed, but before going to bed I said my prayers then I gave a good night kiss to my aunt Dottie and my little brother right after that I fell asleep like a little angel.

{I can say for once me and my little brother had a peace of mind and a glorious quiet weekend together with our aunt Dottie we couldn’t have asked for anything better.}

In all glory, when Monday morning came my aunt Dottie woke my little brother and I up bright and early in the morning we brushed our teeth, we took a shower, I got dressed-plus I got my little brother dressed. My aunt Dottie prepared breakfast for us before we left the house and after we all ate our breakfast we went on our journey to go to the court house to see my mother. When we arrived at the court house we had to wait for a few hours because there were a lot of people inside the court house waiting to see the judge lucky my aunt Dottie made us all a big breakfast other than that we would have been hungry because it took a good while before they called my mother’s name, but when the judge did see my mother everything went well and she was released.

My aunt Dottie and I were very happy that my mother was freed from the bullpens and she didn’t have to serve no real time. But, my mother didn’t seem to be happy at all, because as soon as my mother got out the judge and the lawyer eyesight she instantly caught an attitude and she was not happy to see us at all my mother didn’t even open her mouth to say Hi. It was strange to me you would think my mother will be happy to come home from jail and see her own children.

{But I have learned that love do not live in my mother’s heart.}

Though, love do live in my little brother’s heart because he was very excited to see his mother he had