The Gospel According to Cletus: A Southerner's Comedic Guide to Practical Christianity

By Patrick D. Williams

How can a modern Christian be in today's world, while not being of it, without losing his mind in the process? Contemporary Christian and comedic music performer Patrick D. Williams believes it all hinges on becoming "A Practical Christian." The term "Practical Christian" is used to describe someone that practices a lifestyle that marries scriptural teachings with realistic expectations. In other words, people who understand they are not perfect, but who live to serve, as best they can, a gracious, merciful, and forgiving God who is. Most of the chapters use teachings from the book of Proverbs as the platform from which the author expresses his comical and unorthodox points of view. The observations are as hilarious as they are insightful. So come along on a fun-filled journey of faith, outlandish humor, and good 'ol southern common sense. It is a journey toward... Practical Christianity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Patrick D. Williams
• Release date: May 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465823939

Patrick D. Williams

Patrick D. Williams is a contemporary Christian and comedic music performer who has performed throughout North Carolina over the last several years. "The Gospel According to Cletus: A Southerner's Comedic Guide to Practical Christianity" marks his debut as an author. The book, like his music, is Patrick's way of letting everyone know that God loves them, and that there isn't very much that grace, love, compassion, and laughter can't get us through.

Book preview

The Gospel According to Cletus: A Southerner’s Comedic Guide to Practical Christianity

By

Patrick D. Williams

Copyright 2008-2011

Smashwords edition, License Notes

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For my wife and children who I love more than the bluest sky.

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Synopsis

The Gospel According to Cletus: A Southerner’s Comedic Guide to Practical Christianity is a collection of silly and sometimes irreverent observations about our current Christian culture here in the Bible belt by Christian and comedic music performer Patrick D. Williams. The stories and observations are told from the point of view of a southern, conservative, middle-aged, married, Christian male who struggles to make sense of the world both inside and outside the church. The term Practical Christian is used to describe someone that practices a lifestyle that marries scriptural teachings with realistic expectations. In other words, people who understand they are not perfect, but who live to serve, as best they can, a gracious, merciful, and forgiving God who is. Most of the chapters use teachings from the book of Proverbs as the platform from which the author expresses his humorous and unorthodox points of view. Here are some topical excerpts:

Divorce: "My friend Bill has been married 4 times in the last 15 years. That boy goes through wives like the TV show Law and Order goes through assistant D.A.’s. It’s gotten to the point that whenever my wife and I get another one of his wedding invitations in the mail, we figure it’s time to check the batteries in our smoke detectors."

False religion: "You may not be in a Bible-based church if (1) Tom Cruise is an usher, (2) the worship services are held in the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart, (3) every third Sunday of the month, you’re asked to drinks 4 quarts of prune juice and take a long bus ride."

Teenagers: "My wife and I won’t go in our son’s room anymore without a hazmat suit. IT REEKS! Sweet mercy, the humanity! It’s as if Renuzit is test marketing a new air freshener called Summer Feet. And if that weren’t enough, he now only wears clothes in one of three sizes: extra large, extra-extra large, or ‘Run, it’s coming toward us!’"

Beth Moore: We married men owe a great debt of gratitude to Beth Moore and her weekly women’s’ Bible study series. Because of her, we can count on at least one night of peace and quiet for 12 weeks. Outside of the Holy Bible, this woman has done more to ease the stress and lift the spirits of more married men than NASCAR and Budweiser combined.

Life lessons: Cats are not dishwasher safe. The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line, but the shortest distance between you and the remote control across the room is your children. Guys named Skull Cracker get fed up real easily. Never be afraid of anyone who can’t outrun you.

Everyday annoyances: Celebrity lawbreakers are not only arrogant, selfish, and stupid, they are woefully predictable. Whenever they finish getting a slap on the wrist for something that would land you or me in with the general population at the nearest jail, they always do one of two things: go into rehab or adopt an Ethiopian.

These are but a few of the topics covered in this hilarious and honest look at what it means to be a married, southern, conservative, Christian male in today’s topsy-turvy world. The goals of the book are to let Christians know, in a straightforward and lighthearted way, that they shouldn’t take themselves so seriously; that no troubling circumstances are beyond the reach of God’s magnificent grace; and that they share a special familial bond with other Christian husbands, wives, and parents.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Hi-dee-ho!

Chapter1: Church Shopping

Chapter 2: Marriage Is Hard, Wear a Helmet

Chapter 3: Showdown at the Piggly Wiggly

Chapter 4: Quick, Hide; There’s Family at the Door

Chapter 5: Things I Lurned

Chapter 6: Smells Like Teen Spirit and Sweaty Socks

Chapter 7: Beth Moore and Bad Pizza

Chapter 8: Ah, That’s Better

Chapter 9: Ain’t It a Hoot?

Chapter 10: Holy War, Batman!

Chapter 11: Judas Dart Boards

Chapter 12: What Izzit With Youse People?

Chapter 13: If You Can’t Find ‘Em, Grind ‘Em

Chapter 14: Give Till It Squirts

Chapter 15: Lobster Go Boom!

Chapter 16: Hats Off To Bob

Chapter 17: Cruci-fiction

Chapter 18: Hey, You! Get Offa My Cloud!

Chapter 19: Rock of Ages

Chapter 20: He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

Chapter 21: There’s a Mormon at the Door

Chapter 22: Whip It Good

Chapter 23: Yuletide Yucks and Schmucks

Chapter 24: Who’s in Charge Here?

Chapter 25: Vacation Koran School

Chapter 26: Jesus Weren’t No Liberal

Chapter 27: We’ll Have a Gay Old Time

Epilogue: Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

Introduction

So, then, if with Christ you’ve put all that pretentious and infantile religion behind you, why do you let yourselves be bullied by it? Colossians 2:20 MSG

There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests—look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! Your task is to be true, not popular. Luke 6:26 MSG

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:16&17 NIV

Hi-dee-ho, fellow Christians. It's nice to meet you. My name is Patrick, and like many of you, I am a practicing Christian (although I hope to turn pro after my senior year). I was born and raised in the Deep South, and I make no apologies for it. As the bumper sticker says, American by birth--Southern by the grace of God. I must confess to you that I’ve never been terribly religious. For me, it’s more important to know Jesus than to simply know about Him. To me, religion is a lot like Ex-Lax: it can be of benefit to people, but only in small doses. There, now that we’ve established that I’m a forthright individual, I’d like to add that I believe that it takes a certain amount of trust on the reader’s part to invest time, money, and attention in any book; consequently, it is my most fervent desire not to betray that trust. Because I respect you, I will not coddle you. I want you to walk away from this book with something of value, rather than simply feeling a hundred pages or so closer to death. I warn you, this book will lay it all out there: opinions that buck the norm; criticisms of our current Christian culture; amusing and bizarre anecdotes; and the one thing that is always sure to offend some while entertaining others: *Yankee jokes.

Christianity has become a very general and somewhat subjective term in our modern western society. I say this because there are so many variations on biblical truths between one denomination and another. Sadly, this has caused some divisions among Christians. It’s as if we all play within the same league, but maintain heated rivalries between the separate franchises. I’ve always appreciated what the Moravian Church, the oldest Protestant denomination of record, has said on this very topic; In the essentials, unity; in the non-essentials, liberty; but in all things, love. Boy, if we could all learn to follow that creed, huh?

So, if, in the words of the apostle Paul and the lead singer for Casting Crowns, we are the body of Christ, why do we keep hitting ourselves? I contend that the collective body of today’s church would be far more effective if we allowed our differences to strengthen us, rather than divide and weaken us. This, of course, applies strictly to Bible-based churches. I believe that the first place to start is to accept that none of us are perfect; therefore, we should learn to not take ourselves so darn seriously. Aren’t we told in 1 Thessalonians to always be joyful? In fact, one of the things I’ve always loved about Southerners, particularly Christian Southerners, is our gracious ability to laugh loudest when the joke is on us. I hope you share that sentiment because this book pokes fun at the whole lot of us who call ourselves humble servants of Christ.

Let’s start with me. I’m as pitiful a sinner as they come. I am, for certain, a work in progress. I wasn’t baptized, I was pressure washed. Having said that let me share another honest admission with you: I still have a strong tendency to march to my own drummer. Unfortunately, that drummer is Keith Moon. That’s why I’ve found it necessary to create for myself a nice little niche to fit into while still being a part of the Christian whole. Let me explain. In his book Man in the Mirror, Christian author Patrick Morley divides Christians up into two separate and perfectly squared categories: Cultural Christians and Biblical Christians. I respectfully submit another category to be added: Practical Christians. This book was written for those of us who fall into this latter category.

So what’s the difference between the three aforementioned categories, you may be asking? Here is a simple and concise example of the differences between these categories. Let’s say you are asked to enter a room where there are three people standing. One is a Cultural Christian, one a Biblical Christian, and the other a