Knut (the lone vigilante)

By Jed Oliver

Introducing Knut, a "feel-good" book about a small man destined to become a big folk hero.

The reader looking for a tall, dark, and handsome hero might want to change their mind, after reading this book. Knut is sandy-haired and short, with a bit of a straggly handle-bar moustache, and his hair is just a bit thin on top, noticeable only if he removes his big white cowboy hat.
Knut had always wanted to be a Policeman, but was three inches too short for regulations. This couldn't discourage a determined man, however. He believed he could whip guys six feet and over, if the need arose, so he decided to take fate into his own hands by forming his own one-man amateur police force. Now he patrols his small town in an old rusty station wagon, keeping everyone safe.

Drop in and meet the gang at Lulu's Cafe, where most of the action begins.
You'll love the characters. Many of them look like they just stepped off a Norman Rockwell cover painting.

There's Mayor Gerkhen, as political as he is overweight, Otto Bersten, the deputy Sheriff, and his wife Verna (the prettiest biker-babe in town, who discovers the secret behind Cleopatra's beauty).

Most of the town is populated with good folks, with just enough problems to keep Knut busy.

Knut becomes the town's hero, after capturing three armed bank robbers single-handed. Lulu has a secret crush on him, and persuades him to place a sign on her cafe which reads "KNUT EATS HERE."
This book is where the fun begins.

Knut is just plain good old fashioned comedy.
Will the fire department chop down the Mayor's house by mistake?
Can Heinie Gobel be reformed enough to get a date with his secret lifelong love, Daisy-May? Why does she always slam her door in his face?

Who stole Flossie, the prize-winning pig? Here is a quote from the book:
"Sweet Flossie," said Knut, "Nicest pig I ever met! Ever been kissed by a pig, Mayor?"
The Mayor looked at Knut questioningly, and shook his head.
"You'd be surprised!" said Knut.

The reader will be surprised too, by this, and a lot more, in Knut (the Lone Vigilante).
You are hereby invited to join the crowd and the excitement in Smalltown, U.S.A.
A lot of new friends await you there.

Let's hear three big cheers for “Knut.” Rib-tickling, and heart-warming enjoyment.
And to anyone who does cheer for him, we can probably predict Knut's reaction: He removes his hat, scratches his head, kicks a rock in the road, maybe blushes a little, and says, "Well, shucks, I'm just doin' my job."

E.M. Delaney, Authonomy award-winning author wrote:"...a very talented writer. One who uses the old-fashioned basics. In our entertainment environment, we don't see good clean fun like Knut anymore. It's like, he represents something out of our past, a time when we didn't have to make sexual innuendo...a part of our agenda. We could take our Grandkids to a movie like Knut, and have a great time."

I like to think of Knut as our latest folk hero.
This book is filled with sheer, light-hearted slapstick chuckles, and a wonderfully lovable small-town cast.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jed Oliver
• Release date: Apr 9, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458000576

Jed Oliver

Born and raised in the rural area outside a small midwestern city, I learned to treasure good books at an early age.I have always had a strong urge to create, occasionally dabbling in the arts and music. My true love, however, is writing, and I am seldom happier than when writing for the enjoyment of others.When people comment that writing a book must be a very difficult task, I must respond thatI don't consider writing to be a task at all. For me, it is a genuine joy. I sincerely attempt to allow this to show through in my writing.My writing goals? I think perhaps, if the reader can close the book at its end with a smile on their face, my writing has been successful. I'm sure many of us can benefit from a bit of extra cheer in our days. If my writing encourages that, I feel I have succeeded.I write to produce sheer, light hearted entertainment.With my very best wishes, Jed OliverP.S Please check my web site. From time to time I include audio excerpts from my books. Enjoy!

Book preview

Knut

The Lone Vigilante

Chuckles From a Small-Town

by Jed Oliver

Smashwords Edition

Copyright ©2011 by J.E. Oliver

All rights reserved

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

Table of Contents

A Special Introduction by Knut

Chapter 1 A New Cop In Town

Chapter 2 Robbery !

Chapter 3 The Ladder

Chapter 4 Perfecting the Project

Chapter 5 A Lot of Smoke

Chapter 6 The Biker

Chapter 7 Picnic In The Mud

Chapter 8 Lulu's High Standards

Chapter 9 Flossie

Chapter 10 Flossie's Revenge

Chapter 11 English Lesson

Chapter 12 Heinie's Romance

Chapter 13 Love In Bloom

Chapter 14 Cleaning Out the Cupboard

Chapter 15 Water

Chapter 16 The Traveler

Chapter 17 Deputies

Chapter 18 Burglary

Chapter 19 Riding

Chapter 20 The Jump

Chapter 21 Knut's Intermission

Chapter 22 The Fishing Hat

Chapter 23 The Fishermen

Chapter 24 Bruno

Chapter 25 The Bees

Chapter 26 Beauty Secret

Chapter 27 Safety First

Chapter 28 The Monster Under The Porch

Chapter 29 Festival

Dedicated to my dear wife Astrid.

Also dedicated to the fond

memory of Mabel Normand and Mack Sennett,

two masters of silent movie slapstick comedy,

who made the world laugh.

Intro

An important statement by Knut

OK, I am writing this as an explanation about how this book came about, just in case somebody finds it stuck in a bottle and floating in the ocean, and happens to read it. Or if you find a treasure map and it shows a big X where the spot is, and you dig down and find what looks like a treasure chest, but when you open it, there's just a pile of paper with all this writing on it.

I can't think of any other places you might find this stuff, but in case you do, here's the story:

A while ago I was sittin' in Lulu's Cafe having a cup of her delicious coffee when an old white-haired guy with a beard came in and walked right up to me bold as could be and said,Are you Knut? and I said, yeah, wondering what he was gonna try to sell me. But he said he wasn't selling nothing. He said his name was Jed and he wanted to write my story.

I ain't got no story, you must be lookin' for a different Knut, I told him, and also, Jed sounds like a really funny name to me, is that your real name? So he said no, Jed was his pen name; his real name was Arnold Schwarzenhofer.

Now, I've seen pictures of Arnold and he don't look nothing like this guy, so I knew he was pulling my leg, and I told him I'd call him Jed, and he said OK.

So I said to him,OK Jed, you can write my story, though I can't imagine why you'd want to, but after you're done writing it, and before you let anybody read it, me and Lulu got to read it first, and sign off that it's all true, because I don't believe in lyin'.

So we shook hands and he left and only showed up again occasionally to ask some questions, and make some comments.

Finally one day he came in to Lulu's Cafe and he was carrying this big stack of paper, and he plopped it down on the counter right in front of me.

Here it is, he said.

Here what is? cause I had mostly forgotten about it.

Your story. Read and sign it.

So I read the whole dang thing and Lulu read it at the same time, just leanin' over my shoulder, which was the best part. While I was reading, he told me I look just like Ernest Hemingway, only shorter and skinnier, and I told him he did, too. I think he liked that, because he smiled a little.

Legal document

(Lawyer Billy Strapper told me to write this part):

I, Knut, do hereby with my mark and signature confirm that everything in this book is genuinely and truly fictitious, and if I should find anything that is not genuinely and truly fictitious, I will either cross it off, or make a personal notation on the page to that effect, because I would never deliberately tell a lie.

Signed, Knut

Witness, Lulu

NOTICE: The story starts on the next page. (Jed)

Chapter One

A New Cop In Town

Knut's lifelong ambition had always been to be a policeman, a fireman, or a country Doctor.

He had taken the tests for policeman and fireman, but was disqualified from both jobs because he was three inches shorter than minimum requirements. He was also past the entry age of forty. He was disqualified from the country Doctor job when he discovered that it required a license, so even though he was very good at applying band-aids and such, he decided his best bet was to become an amateur policeman, which didn't have any special requirements.

It was an exciting day for Knut when he received his badge in the mail. He had sent in a boxtop from a box of breakfast cereal, along with twenty five cents, and the badge came by return mail. It was a shiny silver color and said in big letters on the front SHERIFF.

So Knut took his new badge down to the Sheriff's office to get the Sheriff's approval to wear it.

I'm sorry, Knut, said the Sheriff, "but if you wear

this badge, I'll be forced to arrest you for impersonating an officer!"

Well at least I'd like a permit to carry a firearm, Sheriff. But the Sheriff wouldn't issue him that either, saying he was three inches too short.

Knut was extremely disappointed, but he was not a man to give up his life's dreams and ambitions easily, so he went home, clamped his new badge in his basement vice to hold it steady, and carefully and neatly filed one of the letters off the badge. The badge now read SHER FF.

He then went to the local farm supply store and purchased a blue shirt and pants, and a big white cowboy hat. He asked Myron, the store owner, if he'd sit down by the cracker barrel with him, because he had an important question. Knut had heard that in the good old days, most of the world’s problems were solved by guys sitting around a cracker barrel.

Sure! Have a chair, Knut. You got a problem that needs solvin'? Knut sat down, and Myron settled into an old wooden rocking chair beside him.

Well, I'm not sure if it's really a problem, just more of a question. I'm wondering if there is any kind of pistol I can legally carry without a permit.

Oh shoot, Knut! said Myron, grinning and poking Knut on the shoulder. Let me show you something. Myron got up from his chair, reached up on a shelf, and handed Knut a 15 shot BB pistol with holster.

How's it work? asked Knut.

Compressed air, said Myron. It'll shoot fifteen of these little BB's as fast as you can pull the trigger!

Oh, now I remember. I had one of those when I was a kid. Used to try to shoot mice with it in my bedroom.

You had mice in your bedroom? asked Myron, sitting down again.

Only a couple, but they used to chew up my comic books. I called them Nickey and Ninnie.

The comic books?

No, the mice. All the really good mouse names were already in use. I called the comic books Captain Superboy.

Ever hit one of those mice?

No, they were fast little rascals, but those BB pellets made a little dent in my wall every time I missed.

What did your Mother think of that?

She took my BB gun away, and gave me a mousetrap, because they don't make dents in the wall.

I'll bet you caught them with the trap!

No, I always ate the cheese myself.

That kind of defeats the purpose of the trap, don't it?

You're telling me! After about my third bloody nose, my Mother took my trap away.

The clerk looked puzzled. No offense meant, but wasn't eating the cheese kind of a dumb thing to do?

Well, I was a pretty small kid. I wasn't stupid, just inexperienced, and I really liked cheese, and my Mother was still learning.

Still learning?

Yeah, like never to give a little kid a BB gun or a mousetrap.

What did she do then?

I think she felt sorry about taking my trap away, so she gave me a big plate of snacks at bedtime.

Bedtime snacks?

Big plate of cheese. Yeah,said Knut, reminiscing, I ate some of it, and then fell asleep. When I awoke in the morning, all that cheese was gone!

"Mice ate it?

"They was so full of cheese they couldn't fit back

through their mouse holes. I chased them all around my

room trying to swat them with a rolled up Captain Superboy comic book."

Did you catch 'em?

Nope, and it kind of made me lose my confidence in Captain Superboy. My Mother heard all the noise and came running up the stairs to see what the racket was.

The clerk was fascinated, nearly holding his breath anticipating the ending to this exciting story.

What happened then?

She opened my bedroom door and both Nickey and Ninnie ran out, right between her legs. She screamed and grabbed a broom when she saw them.

A broom?

Yeah, chased them little rascals all the way down the stairs and out the front door. Never did see them again.

Do you suppose they felt unwelcome?

Knut lifted his hat and scratched his head, gazing at the ceiling for a minute or two. When I think of it, I suppose I would have felt a bit unwanted if my parents kept shooting at me with a BB gun, and swatting me with a 'Captain Superboy' comic. Both men sat there chewing crackers. The clerk stood staring at Knut with his mouth hanging open in amazement. Dang, Knut, that's the most exciting story I heard for a long time! Beats hunting snakes in the Sahara! Your Mother wasn't mad at you, was she?

Naw, she felt so sorry for me, she bought me a goldfish. I named it Gladys. Knut sighed. Had a lot of good times together, Gladys and I. I used to show Gladys pictures from my Captain Superboy comics, I was too young to read them to her.

The clerk looked thoughtful. I always wondered if a fish could hear through those thick bowls.

Well, I just tapped on the bowl to get her attention, then held the pictures up to the glass.

A long pause, as Knut recalled the details. She seemed to enjoy it.

Knut was silent for a few moments, pondering these fond memories of his childhood.

About this BB pistol, he said, I just want it for effect. That gun won't blast a hole clear through somebody, will it?

Naw, said the clerk, this is the weakest model. It might sting a bit, and cause a bruise, as long as you don't hit anyone in a crucial spot! If you hit bare skin, you might cause bleeding though. From five feet away, that BB pistol will shoot clear through an empty Quaker Oats box, and from ten feet, it'll penetrate one side, in which case the BB would be saved inside the box, for re-use for more target practice. It ain't a toy, but I wouldn't try to shoot a bear with it.

I ain't much into bear hunting anyway. Looks real, commented Knut, as he examined the pistol.

Don't it, though.

Knut strapped on the holster to make sure it would fit all right, slipped the pistol into it, and told Myron he'd take it. He also purchased a can of silver paint and a can of black paint, and a flashlight with a red lens, which he would duct-tape to the roof of his old station wagon. He figured this would be perfectly legal as long as he didn't turn the light on.

Returning home, Knut painted a big silver star on each front door of his car, and inside the star painted SHER FF. He then put on his new blue shirt and pants, and his new cowboy hat, and pinned his SHER FF badge to his shirt.

Driving downtown to the Sheriff's office, he parked and swaggered in, pistol and all.

Well Sheriff, I reckon I'm not impersonating a police officer because as far as I know, there is no such type of police officer as a SHER FF! Then he took off his white cowboy hat and laid it on the counter, took his BB gun out of its holster, and twirled it around his finger.

The Sheriff quickly ducked behind the counter and shouted Where did you get the permit for that firearm? Knut looked over the top of the counter where the Sheriff was crouching and said It ain't no firearm! Take a look yourself! and handed the Sheriff the BB gun.

The Sheriff stood up and examined the gun I'll be danged, he said can you hit anything with that thing?

Knut took this as a challenge and did a quick draw and fired right at the Sheriff's coffee cup which was standing about three feet away on the counter. POP! Pling!

The Sheriff picked up his coffee cup and said Look what you did, Knut! You put a chip in it! And that's my favorite cup!

Knut replied Don't you worry, Sheriff, I deliberately hit it a glancing blow, so's not to damage it much. There ain't even a leak in it, but I'll buy you a brand new one when I get my first reward money.

The Sheriff was a bit unhappy about getting a chip in his favorite cup, and walked over to his bookcase and took down a big legal book, then thumbed through it while muttering You sit down Knut, I'll find a law against you yet! So he looked and looked and looked. Then he called the city attorney, who looked and looked and looked in all his legal books but couldn't find any laws which pertained to a SHER FF. The Sheriff then called the Chief of Police. After a long conversation whispered into the phone so Knut couldn't hear it, the Sheriff sat down on the bench next to Knut.

Knut, said the Sheriff, which caused Knut to quickly look around the room to make sure there was no one else named Knut in the room. Knut, we can't find any law on the books against impersonating a SHER FF. In fact, you seem to be the only SHER FF on record, so what you're doing ain't even an impersonation at all. The Sheriff looked a little puzzled and glanced around the room and said in a real soft voice It seems you're an original, Knut."

Hearing this news, Knut stood up, paced up and down the room, twirled his BB pistol but returned it to his holster when he noticed the Sheriff quickly grabbing his coffee cup.

Pardner, said Knut, Can I call you pardner?

I think it's best if you call me Sheriff, said the Sheriff.

In that case, said Knut, you have my permission to call me SHER FF. So they shook hands on it, and as Knut was putting on his cowboy hat and walking out the door, he said Just because of your courtesy, Sheriff, I intend to turn my first big capture directly over to you! Knut stopped halfway through the doorway as if he had forgotten something, and said By the way, Sheriff, you wouldn't happen to have a spare badge, would you? I could use one for my hat." The Sheriff almost threw his favorite coffee cup at Knut, but changed his mind and slammed the door.

Chapter Two

Robbery!

Knut got into his old station wagon and drove down to Lulu's Cafe in the center of town. You should be aware of Knut's driving habits. He always drove exactly in the middle of the street, and he always drove exactly fifteen miles per hour. He was never in a hurry. If he met a car coming from the opposite direction, Knut would swerve over to his own lane to allow the car room, then immediately return to the middle of the street. It was best not to drive behind Knut if one was in a hurry.

The back of Knut's station wagon was almost completely full of what some might call equipment and others might call junk. There were pieces of rope and chain, hammers, saws, empty cans and bottles, lumber, and much more. Knut liked to keep his wagon well-equipped for any sort of emergency which might arise.

When Knut reached the middle of town he turned in to park in front of Lulu's cafe. This was his favorite spot, and sometimes he would shake dice with Lulu to see who paid for the coffee, but if Lulu lost she knew Knut would leave her a big enough tip to cover her costs.

Lulu was about Knut's height, but quite a bit bigger around. She had acquired this considerable girth by sitting at the counter eating cream-filled doughnuts whenever business was a bit slow. She was very strong though, from lifting all those fifty pound cases of lard she used to fry eggs and fresh doughnuts in.

When Knut walked in, Lulu cried Knut! I hardly recognized you all dressed up in that new outfit! You're really handsome in that disguise!

Well, it ain't exactly a disguise, it's my new uniform.

Uniform? asked Lulu.

Yep, answered Knut, you can now officially call me SHER FF, as he flashed his badge. I got the approval of the Sheriff, the city attorney, and the Chief of Police!

Knut, I mean SHER FF, today, in honor of your new position, the coffee is on the house!

Aw shucks Lulu, you're such a good friend, you don't need to address me by my title, I’m plain old Knut to you, Honey. This caused Lulu to blush a little as she served Knut his coffee, Lulu always had