The Life of Death

By K. J. Joyner

A rarely done quick sketch commentary by K. J. Joyner regarding random events in her life. This volume compiles the first 32 comics produced in sarcastic secret. They're sloppily drawn, they're funny, and they're (exaggerated) true stories. Maybe you can relate.

NOTICE: This book is best read on larger ereaders with larger screens such as the Nook Color or Kindle Fire.

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Writers of the Apocalypse
• Release date: Oct 23, 2009
• ISBN: 9781465714121

K. J. Joyner

K. J. Joyner (1971-she lives!) was born in Fernandina Beach, Florida to a Mohegan Brotherton family thanks to various biological mechanizations we won't talk about here. She was first published at the tender age of 18 (or so) with her poem Unicorn in the Trouveare's Laureate. Heavily influenced by such greats as Marion Zimmer Bradley, Anne MacCaffery and Elizabeth Boyer she always thought her work would be serious and dire. When she began work on her webcomic, Akashik, she soon learned her other influences - Mel Brooks, Piers Anthony and Terry Pratchett - had the upper hand in the echelon of her mind.When not working on writing or comic booking, she's on set somewhere acting out.

Book preview

Chapter One

England – August, 1865

 She is beautiful, is she not?

Colin Layton, Viscount Evanston drew his hazel eyes away from the woman he had been observing, across the manicured lawn, and turned toward the feminine voice to his left. He bowed graciously, offering the perfunctory kiss onto the lady’s proffered hand. Lady Skelmersdale, it is a joy to see you. May I offer my heartfelt felicitations on your sixth wedding anniversary?

Thank you, Colin, but you can dispense with the formalities. You and Edward have been friends far too long to employ social niceties.

Colin chuckled, always delighting in the lady’s forthright manner. "It is very nice to see you, Alice."

That is better. The diminutive woman angled her head back toward the woman across the lawn. You did not answer my question. Do you not think the lady beautiful?

Colin peered in the same direction as his hostess and stared once again at the woman who had captivated his interest. He thought she was indeed exquisitely beautiful but had no desire to confess his beliefs to his good friend’s matchmaking wife. She is…rather lovely.

Alice angled her head and gazed upward at the six-foot tall lord. Colin, the word ‘lovely’ is far too tame a choice of word to describe Lady Eliza. She is breathtakingly beautiful and based on the way you have stared at her for the past ten minutes, I know you agree.

The left corner of Colin’s mouth tilted upward, hinting of a smile. He could not deny Alice’s observations for the mysterious lady had certainly taken his breath away when first he spied her conversing with two gentlemen. She and her overly solicitous companions gleefully watched the croquet game being played by other guests invited to the afternoon soiree to celebrate Alice and Edward’s anniversary. Very well, Alice, I agree. She is quite beautiful.

Now, was that so very difficult to admit? It has not committed you to anything other than a candid observation.

The hint of a smile on Colin’s face blossomed into a full grin. His left eye twinkled as he playfully responded, Not in my mind but I have just made said remark to a woman who is notorious for matchmaking.

Alice giggled. You needn’t worry. I am fully aware of how comfortable you are in your bachelorhood, Colin, and the lady herself has no desire to remarry.

Remarry…? Colin repeated the word almost without thought. He suddenly felt a strange disappointment both in the knowledge that the woman had once been married and over her present reluctance to remarry.

Yes, my dear friend, Eliza, is widowed.

I am truly sorry for her loss. Colin could barely get the words passed the lump in his throat. He feigned a sympathetic air but in truth he was relieved that she was not currently married. Is she so grief-stricken that she cannot contemplate the possibility of another marriage?

Alice looked at Colin out of the corner of her eye but lifted her fan to hide a knowing smile. No, it was an arranged marriage.

Colin’s inexplicable sense of relief intensified upon the knowledge that hers had been an arranged marriage and not a love-match. Why he should feel such relief he could not say.

Alice leaned in closer, lowering her voice to a whisper. She had promised her dying father that she would marry the man he had chosen for her. And after her father died, she delayed the marriage as long as could, extending the engagement for several years. But eventually, she kept her promise and married Viscount Madison.

Colin’s brow furrowed. I did not know the Viscount but I recall Edward mentioning his death.

He was not a healthy man, having suffered from scarlet fever as a child, and as an adult died of pneumonia mere months after Lady Eliza married him.

She wears yellow today. Colin absentmindedly observed.

Yes, her mourning has finally ended and that is why she is here in attendance today. Her husband, Murrell, died slightly over two years ago and although theirs was not a love-match, she wore the customary colors for the required two year mourning period, black followed by grey, mauve and then white for half-mourning.

Ah, then she did not attend any of your soirees or Balls during her two years of mourning. That would explain why I have never met the lady. Colin would most definitely had remembered meeting the strawberry-blonde with the big, green eyes and dimpled cheeks. His eyes were drawn to the two chin-length cylinder curls framing her face and the wisps of curly hair escaping the confines of her bonnet.

Yes, her period of mourning prevented her attendance. But the fact that you rarely attend social functions that I host is also a reason why you and she have never met. Alice giggled again. No doubt you fear the marriage-minded mamas who attend and may wish to foist their marriageable daughters onto you.

Colin shrugged. Edward and I prefer to socialize in the privacy of our Club.

Alice looked skeptical.

Colin chuckled again. And yes, I abhor soirees and Balls for the reason you stated. I much prefer your small dinner parties where only a select few are invited.

The invited are usually Edward’s political cronies and their wives. Such an invitation purports a very safe environment for a confirmed bachelor, Colin.

Lilting laughter drew Colin’s attention back toward the captivating widow. He suddenly liked the idea that she was a widow recently out of mourning and perhaps a mite lonely. He preferred young widows as lovers for they rarely made demands upon him, especially those who were independently wealthy, relished their freedom and did not desire a second husband.

I can practically read your mind, Colin. Or perhaps it is the lascivious look on your face that confirms the lustful thoughts I know that you are now entertaining. But Lady Eliza is not the sort of widow with whom to dally. She has no intention of taking a lover.

Colin continued to watch the widow as she lowered to her haunches beside a wheelchair upon which sat an elderly woman with her white hair styled in an out-of-style bouffant. Lady Eliza’s demeanor appeared to be both gentle and caring. Perhaps she has not yet met a man who can… arouse her interest.

Alice shook her head, suppressing a laugh. And you think that you might be that man?

I did not say that, Alice, but an introduction would be greatly appreciated.

And I shall introduce you…later. Now I must get my son from the nursery and show him off to our guests.

Colin tilted his head to Alice as she scurried away toward the stone walkway leading to the mansion.

He continued to stand with legs braced widely apart as he leaned on his silver-handled walking stick, admiring the woman who appeared oblivious to his observations. He assumed that she was of the same age as Alice, five and twenty years of age to his one and thirty. But she did not possess the same paleness as the lovely Alice. Instead, she radiated with a healthy glow, possessing pink hued cheeks and full, rosy lips.

Colin examined her from head to toe and was exceedingly pleased with her curvaceous form…possessing a full bosom and tiny waist. Since she stood almost as tall as the two gentlemen with whom she conversed, he surmised that she was far taller than most English women, standing perhaps at five foot six inches. And she moved with a graceful elegance, suggesting that she possessed self-confidence and strong character.

His eyes lowered to her full skirt and he imagined the long, slender legs beneath the folds and how those legs might wrap around his torso while in the act of carnal loving. Colin shook his head, dismissing the improper thoughts. But not before he felt a stirring in his groin.

Then he spied Alice arriving with her two year old toddler, approaching Lady Eliza whose face lit up with a radiant smile upon seeing the child. She reached for the boy and he readily left his mother’s arms to embrace Lady Eliza. It was obvious to Colin that the child loved the widow and she in turn loved the child.

Again his smooth brow furrowed. If Lady Eliza loved children and apparently she did by her loving reaction to Alice’s child, why was she opposed to remarrying?

There you are. I have been searching for you nigh onto an hour. Did you just arrive?

Colin pealed his eyes away from the scene unfolding across the lawn to respond to his good friend, Edward Bootle-Wilbraham, the Baron Skelmersdale. Edward stood grinning at Colin as he smoothed his long, bushy brown beard in his habitual manner.

"Then you have not been searching in earnest, old Friend. I have been here for over an hour, both conversing with your wife and enjoying the scenery."

Edward looked in the direction to where his friend had been looking and smirked. Ah, yes, admiring the scenery indeed. Lady Eliza is extremely attractive, is she not?

Colin’s right eyebrow rose as his smirk mirrored Edward’s. I do not think it wise for Alice to hear you comment on another woman’s attractiveness.

Bloody hell, it is Alice who is forever commenting on Eliza’s beauty. I merely concur. Edward leaned in closer to Colin as if to impart a long held secret. In my eyes, there is no other woman more attractive than my Alice but I am a man besotted with my wife.

Indeed you are, Edward. I know of no other man more happily married than you.

Then why do you not learn from my example and find a woman to marry?

Why indeed, Colin almost responded. A part of him was quite jealous of the loving relationship Alice and Edward enjoyed but another part of him was not willing to surrender his current lifestyle to the shackles of marriage. In so doing he might have to abandon a part of his life which had become purposeful…a clandestine part of his life to which not even Edward was privy.

Finding a woman like Alice is not so easy, Edward.

Edward continued to smooth a beard that had grown so long that it nearly touched his breastplate. The appearance of his mustache and beard afforded Edward a more aged look to his nine and twenty years as did his hair greased back from his wide forehead, implying wisdom beyond his years. And in the political arena where Edward worked, such an implied impression was important. Yes, my Alice is a rare find. Edward’s eyes locked onto Lady Eliza. But perhaps I should introduce you to Alice’s friend, Lady Eliza. She is not only physically beautiful but possesses an inner beauty which I believe will captivate you.

Colin smiled as he tilted his head, silently urging Edward to lead the way.

 Eliza saw the two men approaching and her heart seemed to stop beating. She had noticed the gentleman watching her from where he stood leaning on his cane, across the lawn, and she had surreptitiously watched him as she conversed convivially with the two exceedingly boring men observing the croquet game with her.

She thought the stranger was perhaps the most handsome man she had ever seen. But there was more to the man than good looks. There was a dangerous aura surrounding him as evidenced by the confident and proud way he stood, blatantly staring at her. He reminded her of a predator eyeing his next meal and readying to pounce at the most opportune moment.

As he nonchalantly sauntered to where she stood, she imagined him to be a sleek leopard gracefully and stealthily walking toward his prey…her. And she involuntarily shivered.

The late afternoon sun highlighted the red in his auburn hair and as he neared, she detected a mischievous twinkle in his left, hazel eye…more green than brown. An impish grin appeared on his face just as he stepped directly in front of her and she wanted to wipe that smirk off of his chiseled face with a direct cut. But she could not. She never intentionally wounded another with insulting words.

Instead her eyes locked with his and she could not tear her gaze away, so mesmerized was she.

And that lack of control both embarrassed her and caused her to feel vulnerable under his penetrating gaze. No other man had ever made her feel so exposed. As if he could read her thoughts and dissect her soul.

As Edward introduced her to the lord, she automatically extended her gloved hand for his perfunctory kiss. She could feel her palms sweating, dampening the cotton of her gloves, and she feared that Lord Evanston would feel the evidence of her inexplicable nervousness on the hand he now held.

And as he bent forward, to kiss the back of her hand, an errant brownish-red curl kissed his forehead, giving him a boyish appearance. But the lusty look in his eyes, still locked with hers, belied that impression. And his touch was electrifying, causing tingling in her fingers.

She tried to pull her hand out of his grasp but he held tightly as she murmured, It is a pleasure to meet you, my Lord.

No, Lady Madison, the pleasure is all mine, I assure you.

His deep, smooth voice sent chills down her spine and again she tried to pull her gloved hand from his grasp. This time she succeeded.

A short man with a noticeable paunch and receding hairline stepped forward, bowing slightly. I do not believe that we have met, Lord Evanston. I am Lawrence Carlson, Baron Hartranft.

Colin turned toward the lord who stood to Eliza’s right, finally breaking eye contact with her.

He smiled at the shorter man but Eliza did not feel that the smile was genuine. There was a look in his eyes that suggested he had recognized the name but not the man. No, my Lord, I do not believe that we have ever met. Are you Prussian?

The man laughed but the shrillness of his laughter was grating. ‘I am British but claim many a Prussian ancestor."

The sound of cheering interrupted the conversation and in response, all turned in the direction of the shouting with the exception of Colin whose eyes once again fell upon Eliza.

She could feel his eyes upon her but she refused to return his gaze, instead looking out at the croquet players congratulating each other over a game well played.

It appears that the croquet game is over and we have our victors. Edward, the host, laughingly observed. Is anyone willing to challenge the winning team?

I would much prefer walking through the gardens with Lady Madison, if she is willing. Colin suggested as he extended his arm to her, apparently confident that she would readily accept his invitation.

Eliza hesitated a brief moment, not certain if she wished to accept his offer. But the temptation to learn more about this man was too strong to ignore. She placed her hand upon his arm as she smiled graciously, revealing deep indentations in her both her cheeks.

A creaking sound of wooden wheels rolling unevenly on the stone pathway and a loud, stringent voice instantly drew Eliza’s and Colin’s attention.

"I have not been introduced to these two lords, Edward, and I insist upon an introduction."

Chapter Two

 Oh, beg pardon, my Lady, for my oversight. Edward placated.

Colin recognized the elderly woman in the wheelchair as the woman with whom Lady Eliza had earlier conversed. He sensed an almost imperceptible nervous in Lady Eliza.

Never mind, Edward, I shall introduce myself and they may introduce themselves. I am Lucretia Bradford, the dowager Thorndike. And you are?" She addressed her question to Baron Hartranft who immediately stepped forward and introduced himself with a bow.

My eyes are failing me, young man. Kneel beside me so that I might get a better look at your face.

Y-you wish me to k-kneel, my Lady, on the ground? The Baron sputtered. But I am wearing light-colored trousers and will get grass stains. No, no… His eyes lifted and he suddenly feigned seeing someone in the distance. Oh, I see someone waving at me. Excuse me, my Lady, but I must see to the needs of the person summoning me.

Eliza quickly opened her fan with a flick of her wrist and hid a smile behind the floral printed design.

The dowager then snidely addressed Colin. And I suppose there is an imagined person summoning you as well?

Colin stepped forward and dropped to one knee, bracing his elbow on the wooden arm of the chair. No, my Lady, there is no one beckoning me. I am Colin Layton, Viscount Evanston. And I am honored to kneel before any beautiful woman.

Eliza slowly lowered her fan and absentmindedly closed it as she watched with pleasant surprise at the interaction between her grandmother and Colin.

The dowager giggled. You, my Lord Evanston, are a charmer spouting false flattery but I like it. I was once a beautiful woman as is my granddaughter, Eliza, but Father Time has left his cruel imprint upon my face.

I agree that your granddaughter is quite attractive but some women grow more beautiful with time, possessing an ageless beauty. Colin grinned charmingly.

Alas, I wish that I were one of those women but I am not. But you, young man, are quite a handsome…rogue. Lady Thorndike leaned in closer, looking at Eliza out of the corner of her eye as she spoke in a stage whisper. What are you intentions toward my granddaughter?

Grandmother, you are embarrassing me. Lord Evanston and I have only just met.

My only intent at the present moment is to enjoy Lady Madison’s company as we stroll about the garden. But perhaps you would like to join us, Lady Thorndike?

"No, no, I would not wish to spoil your fun. Go and stroll, get to know each other. And then I will question your intentions further." She waved her veined and spotted hands, shooing Colin and Eliza away as if they were chickens pecking at her skirts.

Colin stood, chuckling as he did. He turned to face Eliza and was charmed by the blush creeping up her neck. Her outspoken grandmother had indeed embarrassed Eliza and he rather liked seeing her at a disadvantage. He extended his arm once again and she placed her hand upon it but not before giving her grandmother a reprimanding glance with pursed lips. Colin suddenly felt the impulse to kiss that puckered mouth but did not succumb to the overwhelming temptation. But in that moment, he decided that one day he would passionately capture her rosy, full lips in a locked caress… and one day soon.

As they began to walk toward the gardens, Colin spied Alice’s father arriving with his wife. Lord Clarendon kissed his daughter on both cheeks before turning to survey the party. His eyes locked with Colin’s but only for a brief moment before he averted his gaze. Colin too looked quickly away.

Do you know Alice’s father, Lord Clarendon? Eliza innocently inquired.

We have met socially on a few occasions. But have only a passing acquaintance. But you are good friends with Alice. Therefore you must be rather acquainted with his lordship.

We rarely encounter each other when I visit Alice. He is a very busy man and will soon be entering his second term as Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs.

Yes, I read the news in the broadsheets.

I…I…wish… Eliza stammered slightly as if somewhat reluctant to broach a subject.

Colin tilted his head, smiling in encouragement. "Is there something you wish to say but hesitate, Lady Madison?

I wish to apologize for my grandmother’s… inappropriate comments. She possesses a strong, oft times overbearing personality. She has a dear heart but freely speaks her mind, voicing her opinions rather…loudly.

I like her. She is without artifice and I assume that her granddaughter is also a person of integrity, never playing games of deceit.

Colin felt Eliza stiffen at his words but her reaction was so fleeting that he thought perhaps he imagined her physical stiffness.

All women have their wiles and I am sure that I possess some degree of artifice when it comes to charming a man.

Colin smiled, impishly. If you are referring to charms, my Lady, then yes you do possess qualities which could easily seduce a man. He felt but did not voice that her dimpled smile alone could lure men to their doom.

But I am not the only one possessing charisma, Lord Evanston. You were most kind to my grandmother. But let me assure you that I will not succumb to your charms as easily as did she.

Colin halted and turned toward Eliza. He feigned a disappointed look. Ah, then perhaps I am conversing with the wrong Lady and should return to your grandmother’s side. He turned to leave but stopped at the melodious sound of Eliza’s laughter.

Very well, my Lord, I may allow you to charm me a little but I shall do so with caution. Your charisma hints of mischief and dare I say, danger.

Colin stepped closer to Eliza and playfully whispered in her ear, Do I frighten you, Lady Madison? As he leaned in closer to her, he sniffed her perfume and he thought the scent perfectly suited her…a blend of floral sweetness and spice. He thought she trembled slightly as his breath tickled her ear and he liked that she seemed to physically respond to his nearness.

Eliza took a step backward, dropping her hand from where it had rested on Colin’s forearm. "Should I be frightened of you, Lord Evanston?’

Colin…my given name is Colin. I was named for my maternal Irish grandfather.

Her eyes widened but only slightly before she smiled radiantly. Then please call me Eliza. I do detest formalities.

He loved the sound of his name uttered in her breathy, soft spoken voice. It was as if a summer breeze were whispering his name. I, too, abhor formalities. And to candidly answer your question, the answer is ‘no’. You should never be frightened of me. I would never intentional hurt someone unless reasonably provoked and even then with great reservation.

That is reassuring to hear.

Colin detected a slight quiver in Eliza’s voice and that bothered him. He stepped slightly away from her and bent to pluck a yellow daylily blooming on the side of the path.

As Eliza watched him, her eyes dropped to the knee upon which he had knelt beside her grandmother’s wheelchair and she frowned. Oh, dear…Colin…you have grass stains on your trousers.

Colin looked at his knee and shrugged. I am sure that my valet will find a way to wash the stains away. He offered the flower to Eliza as he observed, This flower matches the yellow of your gown but its beauty pales compared to your loveliness, Eliza.

Eliza gingerly accepted the flower and sniffed its fragrance before smiling puckishly. Thank you, Colin. I believe that I am succumbing to your charm…but only a little.

And with caution…

The high-pitched voice of the butler, shouting in the distance, interrupted their conversation as he announced that cake was being served with tea on the veranda.

Shall we join the others, Colin?

I would like nothing more than to spend more time with you, Eliza, but unfortunately I must leave. I have another engagement this evening. Colin really did regret his need to exit but he had promised his cousin that he would join her and her husband for dinner that evening.

He thought he detected disappointment on her face but the look was so fleeting he felt perhaps that he had imagined it…or simply hoped for it.

Shall I walk you to the veranda before taking my leave?

No, that is not necessary unless you wish to give your farewells to Edward and Alice.

Colin looked in the direction of the veranda where numerous people were milling about, patiently awaiting a cup of tea and a plate of cake. No, I think not. I will not be missed and my absence will go unnoticed, I am sure.

I doubt that, Colin. Eliza leaned in closer, whispering, I believe that my grandmother will miss you.

Colin laughed as he placed his hand over his chest in the vicinity of his heart. Still my beating heart… Colin wanted to ask if the granddaughter would miss him but he could not voice his bold thought. Such a question would place him in a vulnerable position and he had no intention of revealing to her his attraction when he was not certain she felt a similar attraction to him.

Colin grasped Eliza’s gloved hand and