How Come I Love Him But Can't Live With Him?

By Larry Waldman

Anyone who is married, whether a newlywed or veteran of decades of marital bliss, and anyone engaged or about to become engaged will find a treasure trove of valuable information and tools in this book. Dr. Waldman's Nine Rules for a Good Marriage are priceless. If you already have a solid marriage, what you will learn from Dr. Waldman will help you and your mate make your marriage even better!

• Language: English
• Publisher: UCS PRESS
• Release date: Nov 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9780943247175

Larry Waldman

Dr. Waldman has lived in the Valley of the Sun (Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona) for nearly 40 years with his wife, Nan, who recently retired after 30 years of teaching fourth grade in the public schools. They have two sons, Josh, an attorney in southern California, and Chad, who is completing his training in school psychology in Portland, Oregon.He started his private practice in 1979 after working for seven years as a school psychologist for Scottsdale Public Schools. Over the next 31 years he developed his private practice into one of the most successful practices in Arizona.In addition to his clinical practice he does forensic work, consults to Social Security and to a private school, teaches for Northern Arizona University, sells his books, and speaks professionally.He’s written four books:Who’s Raising Whom?: A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline, published in 1987, is aimed at helping parents learn why their children misbehave then how to correct that misbehavior with techniques that work.Coping With Your Adolescent, published in 1994, is designed to help parents appropriately cope and shape their adolescent’s behavior.How come I love him but can’t live with him? published in 2004, teaches couples, using a behavioral model, to better understand their relationship and to behave toward each other in a more mutually-rewarding fashion.The Graduate Course You Never Had was published in 2010. It's focus is on helping professional counselors learn how to better manage the business aspect of their practice.Over 24,000 copies of the print edition of Who’s Raising Whom? are in circulation.Dr. Waldman speaks professionally to the community, to educators, and to other mental health professionals. Topics include:parenting and managing children’s behavior; dealing with teens, marriage, stress management, understanding and treating ADHD; dealing with the difficult child in the classroom, solution-focused treatment; and private practice management and marketing.Print editions of Dr. Waldman’s books may be purchased at http://www.the-relationship-doctor.com and at http://www.marjimbooks.com.Look for e-book editions of all of his books at Smashwords.To arrange for Dr. Waldman to speak, please contact publisher @ marjimbooks.com. Remember to delete the spaces around @ so that your e-mail goes through.

Book preview

Note from Dr. Waldman:

Although hundreds of couples have used the techniques described and explained in this book, and have achieved success in making their marriages better, there is no guarantee that you will have the same success. However, the tools to have that success are in this book. It is up to you to use them, and thereby benefit from what you learn.

Any couple desiring to make their marriage better – even if they already have a very solid relationship – as well as couples having negative challenges, can benefit from using the tools in this book.

May you enjoy success and happiness in your marriage.

Larry Waldman, Ph.D.

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How come I love him but can’t live with him?

How to make your marriage work better.

Larry F. Waldman, Ph.D.

Published by UCS PRESS at Smashwords

Copyright 2008 and 2010 by Larry Waldman, Ph.D.

UCS PRESS is an imprint of MarJim Books

PO Box 13025

Tucson, AZ 85732-3025

Cover design by Terri Goder-McDaniel

ISBN: 978-0-943247-17-5

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This e-Book edition contains the entire, updated contents of the trade paperback edition first published by Minuteman Press and copyrighted by Dr. Larry Waldman in 2002.

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Dedicated to Dad

You showed me how to be

a loving husband,

a caring father, and

a good man . . .

I remember.

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Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

The Basics

What’s important?

Behavior—not feeling

Keep it simple

Chapter Two

Why Marriages Fail

The sad statistics

Expectations

The reasons we stay married are not the reasons we stay married

Psychodynamics: Repeating learned history

Chapter Three

Problems Inherent in Subsequent Marriages

The grass is greener syndrome

Bad baggage

Chapter Four

What Makes a Good Marriage?

Love is not enough

Factors which sustain a marriage

Chapter Five

Five Basic Questions

Chapter Six

Nine Rules for a Good Marriage

Rule #1: Be specific

Behaviors – Not Interpretations

Chapter Seven

Rule #2: Express Your Feelings Honestly

Be Assertive; Not Aggressive

Don’t store hurts

Holding your tongue

TV Repairman Effect

Chapter Eight

Rule #3: Request a Change

Request a Change—Specifically and Assertively

Chapter Nine

Rule #4: Use Reinforcement

Spend some quality time

Chapter Ten

Rule #5: Give to Get

Holding your happiness hostage

Who can you change?

Divorce

Chapter Eleven

Rule #6: Learn to Manage the Kids

Having a child too early

Be unified even if you think they’re wrong

A story

Remaining in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids

Chapter Twelve

Rule #7: Enjoy Sex

Sexual dysfunction

Chapter Thirteen

Rule #8: Fight Fair

Chapter Fourteen

Rule#9: Develop a Short Memory

Don’t dig up the museum

No half-a-loaf decisions

One-upmanship and martyrdom

Acceptance – Know the difference

Chapter Fifteen

Using the Five Questions

Chapter Sixteen

Signs of a Marriage in Trouble

Infidelity

Violence

Arguments

Apathy

Chemical dependency

Mental problems

Separation – two types

Chapter Seventeen

Getting Help

Stigma of mental health

Managed (mismanaged) care

Problems with managed care

How to find a good marital therapist

Be a good patient

Come with the right attitude

Final point

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Introduction

As a clinical family psychologist, I have always been interested in how family members relate to one another. For over thirty years I have been especially concerned with the parent-child and marital relationships. The nature of these relationships, I believe, is critical for our emotional well-being.

At one time or another we all struggle with our family relationship issues—some much more than others.

In line with my interests in families, my first two books were on parenting: Who’s Raising Whom? A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline and Coping with your Adolescent. In these books I attempted to teach parents how to more effectively manage their children and their teenagers.

I have argued previously that most adults do three basic things in their lives:

Work at home.

Become a mate.

Become a parent.

Most adults receive some training for whatever job they ultimately select, but most, nearly all, adults receive essentially no training in how to be a competent parent and how to be an effective spouse. There is considerable information available about these important topics and more people should avail themselves of this knowledge.

For the past fifteen years or so, in conjunction with my day-to-day clinical practice, I have presented many workshops to the public and to professionals on various mental health and family matters. Due to the positive reception to my marriage seminars, I decided to put that presentation into book form.

My wish is that you find the content of How come I love him but can’t live with him? as helpful as have the thousands of people who have attended my seminars.

Dr. Larry Waldman

September 7, 2008

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"It is easier to behave your way into a new

feeling than to feel your way into a new behavior."

Chapter One

The Basics

What’s Important?

In Who’s Raising Whom? I ask the basic question:

What’s the most important thing parents can give to their kids?

By discussing this question I try to get parents to recognize that the most important thing they can provide their child is their time and attention. Term it what you will—love, respect, discipline, or values. Nevertheless, what it all looks like to the children is an involved adult bestowing his or her individual time and attention on them.

What is important, then, to most adults?

Is it money, success, respect, achievement, or recognition?

I don’t think so!

I believe that one of the most important life goals for most adults is the long-term care and affection of another adult (typically of the opposite sex).

While I believe in this premise strongly, I know that this view is not in any way held by the majority. Most adults, in fact, take their primary relationship—their marriage—for granted.

Most adults give little or no attention to their marital relationship—unless, perhaps, they are upset with their mate.

When angry, most individuals will make statements and/or do things to their partner that they would never dream of saying or doing to someone outside the home. If they are having a bad day at work or school, they typically behave civilly—until they get home. Then they dump all their frustration and anger onto their love ones.

It has always struck me as odd that we tend to treat the person on the street—someone we may never meet again—much better than we do our loved ones.

Isn’t it strange that most of us use our most important relationship—our marriage—as a dump or kicking post? Is it any wonder, then, why marriages fail in our society at such an alarming rate?

The reason I believe (know) that this primary relationship is essential to our well being is because I have treated many individuals who were wealthy, successful, professionally respected and/or accomplished, but were poorly married. In almost every case these people were miserable. Despite achieving what most adults would envy, these successful people were most unhappy because they lacked the care and affection of a compatible mate. Perhaps in contrast to the success they otherwise had in their lives, they missed the success in their primary relationship.

It has been my professional experience that when your marriage is going badly, whether successful or not, everything else in life seems unimportant or unfulfilling. Therefore,