Not Telling

By Cindy Vine

Not Telling is the story of two sisters who give new meaning to the term 'sibling rivalry.' Jealousy, hate and betrayal are woven into their lives, after a series of traumatic events completely disrupts Jenny's childhood.
You can never escape your past, it'll always come back to haunt you in some way. Jenny is quite unprepared when her past resurfaces and she is faced with an enormous dilemma. But, does she tell?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cindy Vine
• Release date: May 13, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452369389

Cindy Vine

Born in Cape Town, South Africa, I have traveled to many different countries working as an international school teacher. Following a bout with breast cancer and being ripped off yet again, I wrote a self-help book called Fear, Phobias and frozen Feet, which deals with how to break the pattern of bad relationships in our lives. Last year, I self-published Stop the world, I need to pee! It's a fictional tale of how a headstrong woman manages to escape from an abusive husband. Currently, I am teaching at an international school in Tanzania. The Case of Billy B is my third book.

Book preview

Chapter 1

1986

I killed my mom. Not with a knife or a gun, but I was the reason she died. I know it in my heart. I see it every time my dad turns his head away when I walk into a room. He can’t look at me anymore. He can’t talk to me. I am as dead to my dad as my mom is. And of course, my sister Karen told me I killed my mom. Numerous times. I hear her voice when I’m sleeping, You killed her Jenny, it’s all your fault. You are responsible. My sister never liked me much, but now she hates me. Who would have thought that chicken pox could kill? A stupid children’s illness, a virus; as common as grapes on a wine farm. Dad told mom it was pointless taking me to the doctor. You can’t cure a virus, he said, It just has to work its way out of your system. Mom didn’t listen. She was stubborn that way. She saw me itching and scratching something terrible, and she wanted to take me to the doctor to make sure it was chicken pox and not some other deadly disease like the plague; and to get me some calamine lotion to stop the itch. Mom didn’t want me to get scars from scratching the blisters. We never saw it coming, mom and me. A dog ran across the road in front of our car. Mom didn’t want to hit it, she hated killing living things. She couldn’t even kill and pluck a chicken on the farm. Betsy, the maid, had to do it. Mom swerved to avoid the dog, the car went out of control, and hit a tree. They say mom died instantly. She never felt any pain. But I have to say that the scars on my heart after the accident are far worse than any scars I would have got from scratching the blisters. Mom should have listened to my dad. I wish it was me who had died instantly.

Dad, Shirley’s just invited me to go over to her house this afternoon. Can I go? Please, please, please? Dad smiled and tousled Karen’s short dark hair. Karen looks just like my mom did, dark hair and olive skin, small and petite. Unlike me. I take after my dad’s side of the family. Tall and blonde with flippers for feet. Even though Karen’s two years older than me, I’m already taller than her. Something else she hates me for.

Of course you can go to Shirley. I’ll drop you off myself. Just take Jenny with you, Dad added, I don’t want her here alone. Dad turned around and left the room, missing Karen’s narrowed eyes and pursed lips as she glared at me.

I wish you were never born, she sneered, pushing me out of the way.

I didn’t reply. What was there to say?

Our house is like a shrine to my mom. Everything is just the way she kept it, still in its same place. Dad fired a maid once, for moving one of mom’s ornaments to another place. Betsy is very careful to pick up mom’s porcelain ornaments, dust under them and then put them back in the exact same place. The calendar in the kitchen is last year’s calendar, with mom’s notes written on it in her neat handwriting. On the anniversary of her death, dad had a photo he’d taken of her in the vineyard enlarged and turned into a big poster. It’s now on the dining room wall where the big painting of the mountain used to be. She looks down from the wall and watches us when we eat. Mom is everywhere, a constant reminder of what I’ve done.

We live on a small farm on the slope of the mountain near Bretherton in South Africa. Dad grows some table grapes and we have a small herd of cows and sheep. He doesn’t make a lot of money but we make enough to get by. Bretherton is a small coastal fishing village, named after a Reverend Bretherton who started a missionary outpost for the natives. We learned all about him in school. Shirley McGregor is Karen’s best friend. Her family is very rich and owns a great big vineyard. Shirley even has a swimming pool! Shirley says that Reverend Bretherton was her great-grandfather. I don’t believe her. She’s always bragging and showing off and is just as mean and nasty to me as Karen. The last thing I feel like doing is spending the afternoon with Karen and Shirley knowing that I am not wanted. Listening to them whisper and giggle about me. Sometimes, they run away from me and hide, leaving me all alone in the house. Actually, I don’t mind that, because then I sit outside and play with Shirley’s dog. It’s a black Labrador named Dolly. Dolly doesn’t care that I killed my mom.

Shirley is waiting outside for us, watching for our car. Shirley, how you doing? smiles my dad. He likes Shirley and is always telling us how smart she is.

Good, Uncle Jan. Oh, you brought along Jenny. Shirley turns up her nose as if I smell bad.

Ja, I’ve got some things to do and Jenny will just be in the way. It’s best she stays with Karen. Where are your mom and dad? Dad looks around, You sure it’s okay with them that Karen and Jenny are here to play? Dad looks worried. He has this thing about imposing on people; Mom always said he has too much pride in him.

Shirley nods her head, her blonde plaits jiggling. No problem, Uncle Jan. They’re pleased I’ve got some company; they said it would keep me out of mischief. They’re busy working in the farm office. End of month accounts, my dad said. Do you want me to call them for you?

Ah, I’ve still got to get around to those. No don’t worry, bet not to disturb them. I’ll be back to fetch Karen and Jenny at 5. Dad climbs into his car and drives off, leaving me with the girls who hate me.

Within five minutes of my dad leaving, Karen and Shirley run away leaving me alone with Dolly. I’ve given up on running after them and trying to find them. Shirley knew hiding places I could never find. Now when they run off, I don’t care. I just sit and stroke Dolly. I can talk to her, tell her my thoughts and she doesn’t condemn me or mock me; just looks at me with her brown doggy eyes, as if she understands everything I say. Hearing a car pull up on the gravel drive, I stand up to have a look. Maybe my dad is having second thoughts about leaving me and is coming back to fetch me. But no such luck. It’s Shirley’s Uncle Eddie, her mother’s younger brother; the one who can’t keep a job. Dad says he’s a good for nothing, and if it wasn’t for family money he’d be on the streets. He lives in the city somewhere in an apartment overlooking the sea. Dad says he takes drugs. I can remember hearing mom and dad talking about it, just before she died.

Uncle Eddie climbs out of his car and walks towards me where I’m sitting on a garden chair patting Dolly. Dolly never barks at strangers. Shirley’s Dad says Dolly will lick someone to death before she will ever bite anybody; she’s the most useless watchdog ever. Hey, aren’t you...er...wait I’ll remember, um....that’s it, Jenny? Jan van Tonder’s daughter? The one in the car when....er...are you Jenny?

I nod my head and put my arms around Dolly. There’s something about Uncle Eddy that makes me nervous.

Where’s everybody? Uncle Eddie walks closer to me.

At the farm office. Do you want me to take you there? Dolly licks my arm that’s still around her neck.

Before Uncle Eddie can reply, Shirley and Karen come racing around the corner; they were probably spying on me. Uncle Eddie! Shirley gives her uncle a big hug. Did my mom and dad know you were coming? They never said anything to me.

Uncle Eddie laughs, Well, it’s kind of a surprise. I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d pop in for a glass of wine or something.

Or something? You mean like money? Shirley asks cheekily, her blue eyes shining.

You know me too well, murmurs Uncle Eddie in Shirley’s ear as he pinches her on her bottom.

Uncle Eddie! I’m shocked! laughs Shirley as she jumps out of Uncle Eddie’s reach. Don’t go close to Uncle Eddie, Shirley warns us with a smile, He has octopus tentacles instead of arms!

Karen and I stand away from Uncle Eddie, both of us feeling a little nervous. We’d heard so many bad things about him. Oh don’t worry! laughs Shirley, I’m just joking! Uncle Eddie is my most favorite uncle in the whole, wide world! He wouldn’t harm a fly, would you Uncle Eddie? Shirley gives Uncle Eddie a kiss on his lips. He looks at me and winks, and I’m reminded of that lizard we have in the aquarium in the classroom.

So, says Uncle Eddie letting Shirley go and moving closer to me so that I feel his breath on my cheek, How old are you now, little Jenny?

Eight, I reply biting my lip.

Time flies, you’re growing up so fast. Staring at me, Uncle Eddie licks his lips. I feel quite uncomfortable, and Karen must as well because she moves away from me and stands next to Shirley. So what game are you girls playing? Can I play to? Uncle Eddie doesn’t take his eyes off me and I can feel my heart start to beat faster.

Hide and seek, replies Shirley, You can play too! Karen and I are partners and Jenny and you can be partners. Count until a hundred and then come and try and find us.

Cool, smiles Uncle Eddie, taking my hand.

Chapter 2

Karen and Shirley run away quickly to hide, leaving me alone with Uncle Eddie. I have a bad feeling in my tummy, like I had that split-second when I saw that dog run in front of the car. Uncle Eddie isn’t ugly or anything. He doesn’t look like a monster. But there’s something about his eyes. I can’t put my finger on it; like he looks right through you as if he has x-ray vision, only he’s not a super hero. And, there’s his smile. He has crooked teeth like that ragged tooth shark the fisherman brought into Bretherton harbor the other day. I imagine being attacked by that shark and chewed up into little pieces, all those teeth sawing through me like the meat saw at the butcher.

Let’s wait inside; suggests Uncle Eddie showing his shark teeth, We can play a little game while we count to a hundred. Do you like games, Jenny?

I nod my head slowly and follow Uncle Eddie into the house.

I’m going to play a special game with you, a secret game. Shirley loves this game because it makes her giggle so much she can’t stop. Uncle Eddie smiles at me, his crooked teeth smile, and I feel the knot in my tummy tighten. I don’t care how much Shirley likes the game; I’m sure I’m not going to like it. It’s a tickling game. It’s lots of fun, you’ll love it. But you can’t tell anybody about this game otherwise it won’t be a secret anymore. Do you understand? Not even Shirley, or your sister. It has to be our secret. If you tell, then you unleash all the monsters that hide under your bed at night, and your Mom’s ghost. If you tell, it will be like you are calling her back from the Underworld where the ghosts live. You don’t want that do you? To call your mom back to haunt you and your family? Uncle Eddie bends down to look me in the eye, and I can almost see the shadows of the ghosts and monsters hiding in his eyes. I am so scared now that I need to wee.

I...I... need to go to the bathroom, I...I... have to wee, I stammer biting my lip so hard I can taste blood.

Quickly Jenny, the others will be expecting us to go and look for them soon! Uncle Eddie sits down on the blue sofa, and smiles at me again with his crooked teeth. Hurry, we don’t have much time to play our fun game, Uncle Eddie motions me away with his hand and leans back against the sofa.

I finish in the bathroom and wash my hands, taking my time to dry them carefully on the hand towel that’s hanging on a set of impala horns fixed onto the bathroom wall. Slowly, I make my way back to the living room where Uncle Eddie is waiting for me on the blue sofa.

Okay Jenny, you were quick. So this is how you play the game. You have to close your eyes; you’re not allowed to peep. Okay? But first, you must come and sit on my knee, so I can whisper the secret instructions in your ear. It’s just going to tickle, I promise, this game won’t hurt you at all. Shirley loves it. You will love it as well.

I don’t want to sit on Uncle Eddie’s knee, but I’m too scared to say no, so I climb on and close my eyes, too scared to look, and I can hear his breathing change like he’s been running somewhere. I can feel his breath on my neck when he touches my long blonde hair and moves it to the side. His lips are on my neck, soft kisses, butterfly kisses, and they do tickle a little like he said. Then I feel his hand on my legs, stroking them slowly, moving slowly upwards to my panties. I gasp, no one is allowed there! Mom said that part of me is private!

I’m not going to hurt you, just a little tickle, Uncle Eddie whispers in my ear, his breath hot against my skin, Don’t open your eyes, keep them closed, no peeping, and we can count to a hundred and then go and look for the others. One...two...three... Uncle Eddie starts to count to a hundred, all the while moving his hand higher and higher up my leg until his finger is going under the elastic of the leg part of my panties. I try to count with him, but the words won’t come out of my mouth, just short breaths. As his finger touches my most private part, I gasp out loud. Sh, it’s okay, he whispers. Don’t be scared, just count with me, ten...eleven...twelve. Uncle Eddie tickles me gently on my private part, and it’s not so bad and I start to breathe normally again. Eighteen...nineteen...twenty... Uncle Eddie murmurs softly. Then without warning, he stops the tickle and moves his finger to the middle of my private part, to the inside, the part where the wee comes out, and he forces his finger in, inside my private part and this time I cry out in pain.

Ow! Stop, please stop! Ow! The pain is worse than when I stubbed my toe and my nail fell off. I try and wriggle off his knee, but Uncle Eddie is holding me so tight it hurts.

Sh...Don’t cry, Shirley never cries, crying is for babies, keep counting...thirty...thirty-one...thirty-two. Uncle Eddie lifts me off his knee and lays me down on the sofa. I keep my eyes tightly shut; I am too scared to open them, too scared to look at Uncle Eddie. I can hear him counting, then I feel his fingers around the top of my panties, and he slowly pulls them down.

I lie there unable to move. I want to stop him but I can’t. I’m too scared. Oh God, I am so scared and in my head I start to pray to God, Jesus, my mother, anybody who can come and save me. Save me from the ragged tooth shark I can now feel feeding on me, eating my private part, licking, kissing, sucking. And then it stops, the feeding, and I feel relieved. I hear Uncle Eddie start to count again, Fifty...fifty-one...fifty-two... I feel something hot and wet against my leg and I open my eyes.

A purply pink standing up thing is sticking out of Uncle Eddie’s trousers, like a cobra sticking its head out of a hole, and it’s dripping snot onto my leg. I scream loudly and jump up, pushing Uncle Eddie out of the way and run to the door, hoping to see Karen, praying that someone will come and help me. I don’t like this game, this tickling game of Uncle Eddie. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, that I didn’t find it fun and giggle like Shirley. From outside, I look back through the doorway into the living room. Uncle Eddie is sitting smiling on the blue sofa. He’s put his horrible thing away, and he starts to count again as he stands up and walks towards me. Ninety...ninety-one...ninety-two.... Coming, ready or not! he shouts, his crooked teeth making him look just like the shark. As he stands next to me, he whispers, Remember, the game was our secret. Don’t tell anyone, because if you do, your mother will come back as a ghost to haunt you. Uncle Eddie leans over me and strokes my blonde hair, And who would believe an eight year old girl who has a vivid imagination, hmm?

At that moment, Karen and Shirley come racing around the corner. "You

Reviews for Not Telling

[jos8wun · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Cindy Vine kindly made three of her books available for free, as eBooks, in a promotion at Smashwords back in May, and being a lover of ‘free’ I couldn’t resist the opportunity, especially as I do most of my book reading using my smartphone these days. It took a while for me to get around to reading them (hey! I’m busy you know!) but I wasn’t disappointed when I did.I read them in the ‘wrong’ order. That is, not in the order they were published, but each is a self-contained story, about different characters, so it’s not a necessity. I started with The Case Of Billy B, then moved on to Stop The World I Want To Pee, then to Not Telling.All three books, although not directly connected, deal with difficult topics. Billy B is the victim of child abuse, Fenella, in Stop The World, could be described as a slightly reluctant wild child, and Jenny, in Not Telling, is the victim not only of misfortune but also of sex abuse as a child.So, if you are looking for a cosy, rose-coloured glasses read then these books are not for you. But despite the stories being about the raw side of humanity, Cindy Vine’s writing, and her insight into her characters make them well worth reading.It would be nice, perhaps, if the world was a place where such cruelty, both directed and random, did not exist, but we’ve a long way to go before we reach that stage, if we ever do. I sometimes find myself wondering how people can behave as they do, when I hear a story of cruelty on the News, particularly when the victims are children. Cindy explores how such things can happen and puts depth into all the characters involved, both good and bad.I happily recommend Cindy’s books, and thank her for making them available in the way she did. Even though the free promotion is over, you can still purchase the eBooks for only $1.50 at Smashwords.