Regrets of the Heart

By Stephanie Laws

When Jenna was eighteen, a horrible event occurred that plagued every moment of happiness throughout her life. Even after being married to a wonderful man and raising two children, the secret has eaten away at her. But now, with her beloved husband gone, and the children married and starting their own lives, it's just her and a big empty house.That is until the prodigal son returns, and threatens to reveal her secret and destroy her with his own misguided version of the truth. Jenna must now face her demons and loosen the binds that have clenched her heart before the lies rip her heart in two.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stephanie Laws
• Release date: Dec 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311006110

Stephanie Laws

Author of the Paranormal Romance Series, "Knightingale", and the upcoming Contemporary Romance Novel, "Regrets of the Heart".

Book preview

Table of Contents

Also By Stephanie Laws

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

About the Author

Also by Stephanie Laws:

THE KNIGHTINGALE SERIES

Knightingale

Gale Swept

Knightime

Source Key (Coming Soon)

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Regrets of the Heart

By Stephanie Laws

Copyright © 2013 by Stephanie Laws

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, storied in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

Smashwords Edition

Chapter 1

The car drives away with a chorus of cheers and well wishes being sung as the bride, my baby, wildly waves goodbye. I take a deep breath to push away the forlorn shudders before they release the tears I have desperately tried to keep in check. The crowd mills around chatting and laughing as if this is the most joyful day in the world. It should be. My daughter's dream had come true. She married her high school sweetheart, Austin, who stole her heart when she was only fifteen years old.

Mom, are you alright? Blake asks.

I'm fine. I said as I turned to give him a reassuring smile.

Blake is three years older than Jocelyn. He married the love of his life two years ago. Carrie is a very quiet, little thing that I don't quite understand, but that could have a lot to do with the fact that I never really had the chance to get to know her. They met in college, and as soon as they graduated, they married and moved to California where they both had jobs waiting for them as computer programmers. It isn't easy driving from Indiana to California for a quick visit.

Austin and Jocelyn are moving to Florida. They're on their way now to spend their honeymoon traipsing around getting familiar with their new home for two weeks, and then Austin will begin his new job as an engineer for a company that makes nautical equipment. Jocelyn has yet to find a job but they're not concerned about it.

Both of my children turned out far better than I ever dreamed. At least that's what I keep telling myself, when all it feels they're doing is flying away to far off lands. I've had to say too many goodbyes in the past few years. I expected the children to leave eventually. That's what children do. Marty and I worked hard so when this time has come they had everything they needed to begin their new life. But I never dreamed I would be saying these goodbye's without him.

I'm starving. You would think they would have at least had a short reception after putting us through this crap. Blake grumbled as he loosened his bow tie.

They were trying to keep the expenses down. I said as we headed back into the church.

I'm sure Austin’s father has some kind of surprise waiting for them when they get there. That man is loaded. he said quietly as he deviously glanced around.

How long are you staying? You just got here this morning and I haven't had more than five minutes to talk to you. Finances were the last thing I wanted to talk about.

We're heading back in the morning. I have a project I have to get finished before they end up firing me. He said as his eyes continued to glance around.

You're not having any problems at work are you? I grabbed his arm forcing his attention back to the conversation.

Not as long as I keep pumping out those codes. Everything is actually going really well. I’m being considered for a promotion as project manager. That's why I want to make sure everything is finished and tested before I turn this project over. That old familiar glint was in his eye as he stopped his mind wandering and looked at me.

That's great.

Yeah, I’ll have a lot more responsibilities, but I'm ready for it. I'd like to start my own company eventually. There are a million different areas out there just waiting for a computer program to simplify things. If I can keep this up for five more years then Carrie and I both may be able to take on that new adventure.

You have more courage than I do.

Who do you think I got this enterprising gene from? You're the one that started your own business from a tool shed.

It wasn't just me, honey. Your father had more to do with it than I did.

Remember that faith you told us we needed to have in ourselves. You never did find your own, maybe now it's time you did. We all miss Dad, but even he said you were the brains of the operation. He just had that unique ability to talk people into anything. While he was out there chatting it up, you were home making sure he had something to sell. You still have your customer base. If you don't want to keep making websites, then do something else. Advertising can be a very lucrative business and you have the skills to make a good go at it. But there are a million other things you can do as well.

I know. I guess now that things are settling down I'm going to have to find something to do.

I'm not trying to be nosy, I just want to make sure you're alright, but… how are you doing on money?

I'm fine. You don't need to worry about that.

Why don't you sell the house? It's a lot of responsibility for one person. You don't need all that unnecessary responsibility if it's just you living there. I don't want to impose but I don't like you living out there in the middle of nowhere all alone.

Maybe you and Carrie can move back and I'll give it to you. I teased.

Don't keep it for us. You can sell the place for a good chunk of money, buy something smaller, and have all the rest of the money to do whatever you want with. he said as his head returned to wandering around.

I know. I guess I have a lot of things to think about. But let's not worry about that now. I only have a few hours to spend with you and I want to enjoy what little I do have. I followed his wandering eyes trying to figure out what it was he was looking for.

I'm going to go find Carrie. I'll be right back. He said as he took off down the center aisle.

I sat on one of the pews and simply stared up at the baptismal. The last time I found myself doing this was at Marty's funeral. Normally the sanctuary is buzzing with people until the pastor takes the podium. Then the choir takes their seats, forming a wall behind the pastor, blocking the view of the baptismal. If you didn't know there was a tub back there, you would think it was nothing more than an empty space; a void that doesn't quite seem right amiss all the other furniture and wall hangings that surround it. Now, with Marty and both kids gone, it is exactly how I feel - a void missing the components that made it something worthwhile.

Come on Mom, Jared was able to reserve the party room at Ryan's. Let's go eat. Blake said as he stepped to the side of the pew with Carrie in tow.

I took his hand and stood up just in time for the lights to shut off in the sanctuary. I'm not exactly certain why but it stirred a bit of fear inside of me. It was almost as if someone was closing the curtain on the first act of my life and forcing me to move on to the next.

While we were eating a new plan was formed that held a bittersweet blessing. When Jared, my older brother, discovered that Blake and Carrie were flying home the next day, he and his wife decided to stay the night. Instead of having me drive Blake and Carrie to the airport, Jared would simply drop them off on his way home. I was excited to have them all stay the night, but at the same time, it meant I was going to lose a few more precious hours with my son. Driving in a car with him was the best time to converse because there was nothing else around to distract him. While growing up his teachers were bound and determined to convince me that he had Attention Deficit Disorder because he always appeared to be distracted by something other than the current topic of discussion. But I knew better. He's one of those kids that has such a brilliant mind he's easily bored and constantly looking for something to occupy it. All I had to do was make them look at his grades to prove that he was simply not being challenged enough. They eventually created a program for gifted children and I never heard a complaint about him again. He and I used to spend hours talking about computers and learning new design programs until his comprehension exceeded mine and he became my teacher, until I could no longer follow what he was attempting to teach me.

Oh, how I miss those days. Blake took after me in so many ways. We always had that certain understanding of each other. Jocelyn was the opposite. She took after her father and loved to be around people. She has a very strong intelligent mind as well, but enjoys discussing just about anything anyone has to talk about simply for the sake of conversation. I don't know if she ever had a sour relationship. If she did then she simply let it slide off her back and moved on without a second thought. Just like her father. Having her around the past few months has almost been as if Marty had never left. Saying goodbye to her is almost as if I'm saying my final goodbye to Marty.

But I won't think about that now. The time will come when I'll be surrounded by silence and I'll have no other choice but to confront the pain and loss. My home will be filled for one more night. I'm going to try to enjoy it as much as I can. I wish I could bottle up some of the laughter that is spreading around the table now as they all eat and talk about what's going on in their lives.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you who came in and applied for the supervisor position at work, Jenna. Jared said with his rotten grin that made me want to cringe without him even saying a word.

Who? I asked hesitantly.

You're not going to believe it. I swear the man has barely aged, in what has it been, around thirty years now? Great, now he’s digging into the dramatics. Jared loves to be the center of attention, and at my expense far too often throughout my life.

Who, Jared? I asked again, wishing he would just get this over with.

Brad Harris. We talked for so long we almost forgot about the actual interview. He said as he slapped his hand down on the table. It felt like he smacked me in the face. My heart stopped. Of all people, why did it have to be Brad?

Who's Brad Harris? Blake asked.

That's one of your mom's old boyfriends. They were pretty serious for a while, until your mom dumped him. A few months later she met your father. I always liked Brad. We went fishing together a few times when I came home for the summers. I never knew why they split. I figured they were going to get married the way they both talked about each other. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. He seems to be doing pretty well for himself. He's got two kids. His daughter is married with a couple kids of her own and his son just enlisted in the army.

Really, I've never heard Mom talk about any of her old boyfriends. Blake said with a devious tone far too similar to Jared’s.

Why would I talk to you about my old boyfriend? I asked a little more pert than I intended.

Calm down, I was just making an observation. It's interesting to hear about when your parents were kids. You never talk about your past. Dad used to talk about when he was a kid all the time. I'd love to know what you were like.

I didn't have the life your father had. There isn't anything worthwhile to talk about. I said as I glanced at Jared hoping he would get the hint to drop the subject.

How many boyfriends did mom have in high school? Blake asked Jared, choosing to ignore me.

I don't really know. I started college her freshman year so I wasn't around to know much of what she did. Brad was the only one I ever met, other than your father, of course. Jared responded with a glint of humor in his eyes.

There isn't anyone to give us any dirt on what she was really like. It's not fair. Blake whined.

You can stay at my house the next time you fly in, and I can invite him over so you can get all the dirt you want. Again, the grin I hated, accentuated by Jared’s eyebrows bobbing up and down.

Did he ask about Mom, or talk about her? Blake asked as he leaned in closer to Jared.

Not really. I didn't broach the subject. It can be touchy sometimes and I didn't want to make the interview uncomfortable.

So did he know it was going to be you that would be giving him the interview?

I'm sure he did. The company website has all of the management and administrative personnel's pictures posted next to our contact info.

Thankfully the waitress came to clear the dirty plates and the subject was dropped. We left for my house soon after, and the conversation transitioned to some new hunting spot that Jared had discovered and wanted Blake to come in the fall to hunt with him. Then moved forward to us all celebrating Thanksgiving at Jared's house, and by the time we reached my house, they were already looking at their cell phones for airline tickets.

That fear that began to twinge in the church was starting to settle in like a lump lodging itself permanently in my throat. I desperately wanted to know what Jared and Brad talked about but I was afraid to bring the topic up for discussion again. There was too much that Brad didn't know. There was too much no one but Brad knew, and I wanted more than anything to keep it that way. I've managed to move forward in my life, and even though I've never been able to shake it off completely, I've managed to live beyond it. I knew Brad still hated me. We never had a chance to reconcile after everything fell apart. What he knows is only a very small part of the truth, and if it was even hinted at, my life would fall to pieces. I don't know if my children would want anything to do with me if they were to learn about the secrets I've kept from everyone.

As we walked to my front door I fumbled through my purse to find my keys. It seemed like everything I touched jumped out of my purse until I was so frustrated, tears were filling my eyes.

Mom, are you alright? Blake asked as he started helping me pick up everything.

I'm fine, I'm just tired. I kept my head low. I didn't want him to see the tears.

I'll unlock the door. I still have a key. He said as he walked away and I closed my eyes attempting to collect my composure.

Blake unlocked the door and held it open for me. The old familiar smell enveloped me, like it often does these days, like a warm breeze from the past. There are times when I find myself expecting Marty to come walking out of the kitchen with some leftovers he found in the refrigerator and that silly grin on his face. I could feel myself growing weaker by the second. These were the times I needed Marty the most. He was like my crowbar that would force away any rock that held me down. If he couldn't move the rock then he would blast away the hard places with his booming laughter until the rock simply rolled away. I don't know if anything every bothered him. That is until the day we found out he had prostate cancer. He tried to keep his spirits up for me. I think that was his biggest battle.

Oh, I have to stop thinking about these things. I have family here now, and I need not waste my time with sorrows when I get to have a house full of laughter, for a little while. I walked into the kitchen, quietly thanking God for giving me the foresight to go grocery shopping the previous day so I could have enough drinks for everyone. The others went into the living room to sit down and enjoy the air conditioning. The poor old central air unit sounded like it was pumping it's lungs out trying to keep up with the heat of this sweltering June day. I grabbed the pitcher of Iced Tea and some glasses to take into the living room for everyone.

Jenna, you still have those old photo albums of Mom's, don't you? Jared asked the moment I entered the room.

Yes, they're in that cabinet behind you.

He opened the cabinet and started piling the albums in his arm. We drove by the old place on our way to the church. It looks so strange now that they have flowers in the yard. Dad would have mowed those down. It took less than a half hour to mow that little plot, but by golly, if there has been just one little thing that he had to mow around, it was gone in a flash.

I begged and begged Dad to let me have a little flower bed. He finally gave in with the condition that I kept the grass mowed and the yard cleaned. When I moved out, he mowed over every flower in that bed, mulch and all.

He was a little peeved at you for moving out and not going to college. Jared said as he glanced over the top of the albums towards me with that curious look he gets when he's being nosy.

Why didn't you go to college? Blake asked.

I didn't want to at the time. I had other plans.

Dad swore up and down it was Brad's fault. You two broke up around that time, and he swore you were sticking around, hoping to mend things with him. Then Brad up and disappeared. Did you know he went into the Air Force? He was a pilot and just retired a few months ago. I have to admit, I’m impressed. They don't let just anyone fly those jets. They have to have a good solid head on their shoulders. I went to school with his older brother, and I hate to say it, but he was a loser. I wasn't too enthused hearing Jenna was dating his little brother at first. But I guess you can't always judge people by the family they come from.

I thought you guys were talking about hunting. I said frustratingly.

Sorry, I forgot you didn't want to talk about him. Anyway, here's the picture. Man, I forgot about all these. They sure do take you back. he said as he moved the album towards Blake.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, trying to force the old feelings away before they started choking me. When I raised my head Lizzy was eying me suspiciously. I simply pretended not to notice. I'm sure this subject had given her and Jared plenty to talk about through the years. I should have made up a lie to stop all the suspicion. It wasn't as if breaking up with a boyfriend was completely unheard of. I could have simply said he was moving away, and we decided to end the relationship. But I was always a terrible liar, and frankly, at that time, the mere hint of his name was like someone stabbing a dagger into my heart. Apparently, it hasn't lightened its effect through the years.

They moved on to looking through the rest of the pictures as Jared began his story telling. I knew if I continued to be too quiet then everyone was going to grow more suspicious and I would end up having to have this discussion all over again. I began adding in my portions of the memories in hopes it would carry us well into the night, hopefully filling their heads with too many other subjects. One thing I was certain of, Brad obviously did not tell Jared anything, otherwise he would have berated and interrogated me, demanding to know how I could disgrace the family in such a way. He was always one that was overly-conscious of his reputation and making sure I did nothing to tarnish it.

As I had hoped, Jared's stories lasted long into the night until Lizzy decided she'd had enough and was ready for bed. Carrie and I followed her upstairs to make sure the rooms had everything they needed for the night. Just as I was about to shut my bedroom door, I heard Blake and Jared laughing hysterically. I stood there for a moment simply soaking in the sound, when Lizzy opened her door and peeked out at me.

Jenna, I was hoping you and I would have a chance to talk. Do you mind, or are you too tired? she whispered across the hall.

I smiled and motioned for her to come to my room. After she walked through the door, I shut it behind her. She sat down on the end of the bed and patted the spot next to her.

I've wanted to ask you something for years, but never had a chance. The only time we spend together is for funerals or special occasions where everything is too hectic. I can't claim to know you as well as I would like, but I can't forget the very first time I met you. I can't shake that there was something terribly wrong. I tried to cast it away because no one else seemed to notice, and maybe I'm wrong, but am I? Everyone has things that they would rather not discuss in their life, and they have the right to keep it that way. I don't want to pressure you. But even now, when that man's name is mentioned, I see a pain in your eyes that reminds me of that very first meeting of ours.

I suddenly felt as if I was going to get sick. My saving grace has always been the lack of my family's focus on these kinds of things. This subject hasn't even been broached since before I met Marty. Now it's like everything is being resurrected and I have no idea how to deal with it. I shouldn't be. It was something that happened so long ago, and there is a span of thirty years of other things to talk about. Why do I have to be so sensitive and revealing when I should have just been able to cast it off as nothing by now?

I really don't want to pressure you. My intention is to protect you. Jared has spoken about that man nonstop since the interview. He's acting as if he met a long lost friend from his childhood. If this man did something to hurt you, then I would rather tell Jared to back off and forget about him rather than risk him coming back into your life. I won't give him any specifics, if you don't want me to, but I don't want him hurting you because of something he doesn't know about. Regardless of how it appears, he really does think the world of you, and he worries about you. Jared would never intentionally hurt you.

A million things were swirling around in my head. I didn't want to say a word, but it was quickly becoming apparent that if I didn't say anything, this whole mess would end up falling right back into Brad's lap, and he was the innocent one that didn't deserve any of this. I was the one at fault. I was the one that hurt him. I never dreamed I would have to face this again!

I took a deep breath. Brad didn't hurt me. I was the one that destroyed everything between us. There were a lot of mistakes and misunderstandings, that Brad had nothing to do with, and I mistakenly accused him of. I always wanted to ask him for forgiveness because it still plagues me to this day, but I never got a chance to speak to him again. He left so soon after our argument that it was as if he disappeared. But there is more to it, and I really don't want to resurrect things that should be long dead to us all. The last thing I want to do is put him through this mess all over again. We've both moved on. It's simply not worth it.

What if you don't get to be the one to decide that? People can be very vindictive. This may be your one chance to clear yourself before he starts speaking of the past. Some people harbor pain inflicted by others simply with the intention of getting them back the first chance they get. This has obviously caused you great pain all these years. What if it's the same for him? You have to admit, it is strange that he chose to apply at the very same place your brother will be the one responsible for hiring him.

What if it was just a coincidence?

Jenna, you know as well as I do that there is no such thing as coincidences. We may not understand why things happen at the time, but hindsight usually gives you the answer. I believe this was intentional, and maybe he is only doing it in hopes of reconnecting with you. I know you loved him, and from what I have heard, he loved you too. It could be innocent intentions driving this, but even those could turn against you if you're not careful. You've gone through so much with losing Marty, and I know how difficult it is with your children moving away. You don’t need any more stress, and if I can prevent it, I would rather ask Jared to drop it right now before things grow worse for you. What's going to happen if Blake does meet him? Jared is crazy enough to do it just for the entertainment it would offer. Right now he thinks he's just teasing you and there is nothing more to the breakup than your typical youthful experiences. Is that all this could be construed as, or was it more?

I stood up and started pacing trying to control the rage that was building inside of me. This was ridiculous. I can't, I simply cannot tell her. Everyone will despise me and think I have lied to them all these years. I didn't, but that's not what it's going to appear as. This was completely personal, but yet, it affects everyone it shouldn't.

Before I could even make a decision, there was a knock on the door as Jared slowly opened it and peeked in. I quickly tried to collect my composure and smile as much as I could.

I just wanted to say goodnight or good morning rather. We just realized it's already after one and we have to be on the road by six to make it to the airport in time.

"I better