Selling Holes

By Christen E

After completing some of these stories I had to take a cold shower and get a chiropractic adjustment. For some of the others I was interned in the local psychiatric hospital, which was fortunately run by scantily clad nubile Indonesian maids, so I survived. This book comprises some of my most experimental and simply mental short stories. Saturn Fried Chicken is a nutty satirical comment on the idiot-world’s obsession with fried chicken. The story, Diary of a Bureaucrat makes fun of... you know who! Other stories, such as Ocean Horses and Bird World, are beautiful and twisted alien visions. Whereas many of the stories are just insane dialogues inviting comments such as, “Get off the drugs man!” See Relatives, Impossible Equations and Confused Verbs. But like Salvador Dali once explained: the truly surreal-minded do not need drugs for inspiration - they are ‘high’ by nature.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christen E
• Release date: Aug 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301209651

Christen E

I was the 14th son of a one-parent family of shepherds, largely supported by the pocketed springs of a mattress loved by geckos all over the Antarctic wilds of Borneo.

Book preview

Introduction

After completing some of these stories I had to take a cold shower and get a chiropractic adjustment. For some of the others I was interned in the local psychiatric hospital, which was fortunately run by scantily clad nubile Indonesian maids, so I survived. This book comprises some of my most experimental and simply mental short stories. Saturn Fried Chicken is a nutty satirical comment on the idiot-world’s obsession with fried chicken. The story, Diary of a Bureaucrat makes fun of… you know who! Other stories, such as Ocean Horses and Bird World, are beautiful and twisted alien visions. Whereas many of the stories are just insane dialogues inviting comments such as, Get off the drugs man! See Relatives, Impossible Equations and Confused Verbs. But like Salvador Dali once explained: the truly surreal-minded do not need drugs for inspiration - they are ‘high’ by nature.

One of my favorite stories here is Selling Holes, which explores an outrageous possibility that results in a definitive philosophy. I’ve broken many rules (some of my stories invent new words while others have no conclusion) and then baked them into lobster-shaped cupcakes. I attempt to leap over writing conventions and conventional thought - in one audacious story an artist explains what nonsense numbers are!

Here you will find masterpieces of unadulterated madness. One of the craziest stories ever written has got to be Janet and John for advanced maniacs! In a similar vein, stories like How to Survive a Hotel Fire and Weird Fact or Fiction are plainly Monty Pythonesque! These are stories for those who will defy warnings, swim naked in the ocean, are bored out of their minds, laugh hysterically in the middle of Lawyer’s conventions, make faces at themselves in the mirror, want their neurons assaulted, and drink beer while bungee jumping…

ECH June 2013

Nose Jumping

Simon and Richard were extremely bored when Simon had a wonderful idea. He asked Richard to be perfectly still and then ran at him. With a perfectly timed leap he entered Richards left nostril and a few moments later descended down the passage of the right. Bursting out of the nostril into his full size he landed on the floor highly exhilarated.

Lost your voice? teased Simon, seeing the dumfounded expression on his friends face. Richard looked as if he had lost his virginity, so Simon nudged him and asked,

Well, how did it feel? Richard touched his nose to check that it was still there, and said,

It’s totally wild! I felt as if I had a rocket up my nose, yet I knew it was you. At first I thought my head was going to explode but then I was overwhelmed by a tickling sensation.

Very eloquently put! taunted Simon. By the way, your sinuses were amazing! Now it’s your turn. Richard didn’t hesitate to take up this offer and immediately pounced into Simons right nostril, shrinking into the opening like a pro, and slid out of the left screaming like a monkey!

My goodness, that was terrific! He exclaimed. Lets do it again!

In The Hotel

Peter was sitting in the hotel lounge watching TV, when the hotel owner/manager (it was a small 2-star hotel and he was both), who was a 70-year-old Cypriot with a full head of white hair, came up to him.

You have a problem, he announced. Peter was instantly nervous because he had many problems and wondered which one he would be penalized for now.

An agent from the Cyprus tourist organization stopped by to inspect the hotel and randomly picked several rooms to look at. Yours was the last, and he was later seen by the cleaning lady racing out of the hotel in a cold sweat. He called some time after to say that your room did not pass the standard of cleanliness required, and even hinted that there were animals in it! the owner looked at Peter curiously. The tenant had lived at the hotel for over a year on a monthly rent basis and had been on good terms with most people.

Well, I have to admit that I do have a small cat! said Peter.

Do you realize that it is against the rules?

Yes, said Peter, but I need it to play with the dog!

You have a dog too? asked the owner aghast.

Well, it’s all somewhat relative, said Peter mysteriously.

What do you mean?

You see, said the tenant, " I need the dog to protect me from the Mafia.

Oh, I see, said the owner, surprised and confused. And why are they after you? he asked presently.

Well, it’s complicated… started Peter but he had already said too much so he might as well go on. I stole several kilos of cocaine from one of their drug dealers.

And you are still alive? said the hotel owner, who thought that up until now he had seen it all.

Oh yes! said Peter nervously, I killed him with a poisoned tipped Chinese throwing star! I just love martial arts weapons... he admitted.

You collect weapons? said the hotel owner

Sure, said Peter, if you like, you can come up to my room to see my collection.

No, no, that’s okay, said the owner quickly.

If you aren’t interested in drugs or weapons then, I do have aphrodisiacs, Peter offered kindly, but they aren’t cheap!

That’s okay, said the owner, we don’t have this problem in Cyprus. By the way, this dog of yours – is he dangerous?

Okay, he can be a little vicious but he loves cats!

What do you mean – a little vicious?

Just with people really, especially scientists or technicians! said Peter, I rescued him from an experimental laboratory, you see, so if he smells anything clinical like chloroform, and the source is also wearing a white coat all hell breaks loose.

Has he hurt anybody? asked an increasingly worried old man.

No one of any consequence, really. Killed a vet and a couple of cleaning ladies. It was good about the cleaning ladies because it saved me a months supply of dog food – he eats like a horse, you know.

You’re absolutely crazy! announced the hotel owner.

Why, of course! admitted Peter. But I pay my way. I once tried to get into politics but they told me that I was far too honest.

Well, any way, said the old man, You do realise that you will lose your 50 pound deposit?

No, problem, said Peter, " I