No Shit Sherlock

By Jef Meulemans

Personal observations and rants simmered in satire, basted in truth and served on a bed of blanched cynicism. If we can't make fun of ourselves, just who can we make fun of? That's a rhetorical question of course, stated to test your qualifications before reading this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jef Meulemans
• Release date: Jul 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301425051

Jef Meulemans

Formerly a neurosurgeon at Emory University before cross training to become a shuttle astronaut. Original founder of Habitat for Humanity, recipient of congressional medal of honor, two silver stars and a Cable Ace award for short documentary on world peace. Inventor of Teflon, the 911 Interface system and the little red Take-A-Number dispenser.

Book preview

NO SHIT SHERLOCK

By

Jef Meulemans

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

Jef Meulemans on Smashwords

No Shit Sherlock

Copyright © 2013 by Jef Meulemans

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

100 Things About Me

MLB Kidnapping Leader

8-Year-Olds in Crime Spree

Laundry Sorting Enforced By Glock

Stupid Car Features

On Being Stripped of One’s Coolness

Bingo Night

Ebonics I vs Ebonics II

It’s Not Harder To Get Up, It Just Takes More Space

What Was My Point Again?

The Aquarium Incident

Stall Protocol

The New Age of Fireworks

Next Time You’re With Friends (In Bed)

Vicky Stacker Is Easy

Doilies

There Are Horses In The Hippo Moat!

Conversations From The Back Seat

But Captain, She Can’t Take Anymore!

Some People Have A Way With Words, Others No Have Way

More Conversations From The Back Seat

Bon Appétit

Grab That Cash With Both Hands And Make A Stash

What Do It All Mean?

Shamu Sham

On Wiring

On Aging

Office Greeting

Rodeo

Hurricane Frances

Mini Parking

Red Stirrup Pants

Fluffy Estate Sale

Election Training

Move Over!

Halloween

Junk Melman

Don’t Wait To Get Stabbed Up

The Vicky Boelter Incident

Fortune Cookies

Grimm’s Fairy Tales

SpeCS

Coffee Protocol

Wow, How Does He Make His Wheels Do That?

When Nature Needs A Helping Hand

Grilled Bird For Lunch

Dog Walkin’est Neighborhood

More Conversations From The Back Seat

Jose Can You See…

This Little Piggy Had No Balls

Sir Jay Day

Seventy Mile An Hour Dump

More Election Training

About The Author

100 Things About Me

1. I love baseball with a passion.

2. I never played Little League.

3. I have moved 28 times in the last 25 years.

4. I worked at the same company for 24 years.

5. I've been playing the guitar for 25 years.

6. I've only been good at it for the past 5 years.

7. I can't sing very well.

8. I've been told I laugh like Precious Pup.

9. Precious Pup was not very masculine.

10. Being around airplanes has made me happy for as long as I can remember.

11. I joined the Air Force to be around airplanes.

12. I got my pilot's license when I was 40.

13. I am loyal and trusting to a fault.

15. I'm not allowed to use the m word without going in front of a review board of friends and family.

16. I love cinnamon candies. I may actually be addicted to Hot Tamales.

17. I stole a $5.00 bill from Jeanette Wilson's desk in the sixth grade.

18. I am fascinated by politicians and love to read their biographies.

19. I am not a very social person.

20. I love being center stage.

21. I have an almost uncontrollable urge to knock down the Quizno's Cup guy anytime I see him.

22. Picturing Billy Dee Williams saying Brian Piccolo has cancer makes me cry.

23. I am overly sensitive.

24. When I was four, I urinated on my best friend Todd.

25. I don't like it when other kids won't share their toys.

26. I've pee'd in 2 oceans, 3 seas, 2 Great Lakes, 2 Gulfs, 1 Channel and numerous lakes, rivers, sounds and bays. (I didn't name them so you wouldn't be afraid to swim there.)

27. I quit smoking after 15 years. It is my greatest accomplishment.

28, I first watched the World Trade Center towers burn on the breakroom television at work.

29. My favorite color is Green. I don't know why. At some point I probably had to pick one and I am loyal to a fault.

30. I once considered making orange my favorite color but the guilt was overwhelming.

31. When I was a teenager, I spent one summer challenging myself to climb to the top rung of a grain silo and hang upside down.

32. It was the first real risk I took.

33. I've never had anyone close to me die.

34. The fastest I've ever driven was 158 mph in Jerry Snyder's Corvette.

44. I'll take pie over cake any day.

45. The first woman who ever aroused me was Mortica Addams. (I resented Gomez)

46. My favorite sound in the world is the sound of a tire rolling over freshly fallen snow.

47. I have had two recurring dreams over my lifetime. One is of me suddenly being able to play the piano. The second involves an airliner falling slowly, upside down into my backyard.

48. I think Freud was a dickhead.

49. If I could pick someone else's life to live, it would be Timothy Leary's.

50. I graduated High School without ever taking algebra. I thought I beat the system.

51. When I was 25, I had to learn algebra in order to be a better Underwriter.

52. I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

53. I used to refuel military jets at 25,000 feet.

54. My favorite TV show was Northern Exposure.

55. The first girl I ever kissed was Carla Hammel in the fourth grade.

56. When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was an Olympic Figure Skater.

57. I am about 30 pounds overweight.

58. I am still not old enough to know better.

59. I think it should be illegal for white men over age 25 to wear their hats backward.

60. I went through a Scotch phase for a while, but mostly I drink Canadian whiskey.

61. My favorite domestic beer is Rolling Rock.

62. My earliest memory is of my father setting me on top of a snowbank while he shoveled the driveway.

63. I spent two Christmases alone, watching movies.

64. I don't like to talk on the phone and I absolutely hate answering it.

65. My birthday is the same as Adolph Hitler's.

66. Bad things happen on Hitler's birthday - Waco, Oklahoma City, Columbine...

67. Unless I am drunk, I can't pee in a trough with other guys.

68. The greatest invention of the century is not GPS, is not the internet,