Broom, Broom (Fungus #1)

By Sergio Tell

"My name is Cucumber Gutierrez. English is my second language, but the way I write everyone thinks that is my fourteenth."

When Alberto Zapata and his baker father, Tito, are ejected from Panama over a havoc-causing cake, the whole family is thrown out with them, including Alberto’s cousin Cucumber.

The family settles in Melbourne, Australia, and from humble beginnings in their new country, the Zapatas rise to unexpected prominence. A series of coincidences (or conspiracies) see Alberto raised practically overnight to become Victoria’s assistant chief commissioner of police.

Zapata’s first case on the job is to solve the mystery around the disappearance of jewels belonging to the British Royal Family while on exhibition in Melbourne. Things get stranger and stranger as the case unfolds, in a madcap tale of crime, bungling, and Spanglish, reminiscent of "Get Smart" and "The Pink Panther".

"Broom, Broom" is the first of the Alberto Zapata stories. Keep a lookout for new episodes "Jurassic Prick" and "China, Please Give Me More."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nameless Books
• Release date: Oct 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301023288

Sergio Tell

Sergio Tell was born in Buenos Aires. Having never felt comfortable in any language or country, he changes them both all the time. He currently lives in Australia, not having enough petrol to leave. Sergio was expelled from kindergarten for attempting to kiss his teacher, and so was not accepted into primary school. In Australia, not finding anyone he wanted to kiss, he managed to graduate university and become a lecturer in drama. He has also been a performer, appearing in "State Coroner," "The Adventures of Lano & Woodley," and "Marshall Law." Once he got free of schools, and out into the world to “achieve goals,” he learned that the devil is a frequent flyer on this life's journey, and always sits down next to you on the plane. Only smiles and laughter can keep him away; he is allergic to them. Sergio hopes his stories will help readers smile and laugh, and put their devils to rest.

Book preview

Broom, Broom

Sergio Tell

Smashwords edition

Copyright © 2012 by Sergio Tell

All rights reserved

v.20121102

Contents

My name is Cucumber

Political business

The report

Government advice

About the author

Copyright

My name is Cucumber

I wrote this book because I want to tell the story of my family since we come to live here in Australia.

First, I introduce myself, so you can see that education is not my problem. My problem is lack of education.

My name is Cucumber Gutierrez.

English is my second language, but the way I write everyone thinks that is my fourteenth.

Spanish is my very long and sexy mother tongue, so if you do not understand what do you read in the book, in Spanish we say I pay your ticket so you can go to hell for free.

But if you want to read my book, please be passion, or patient, or patent, I’m not sure… In English my tongue is not so very long and sexy.

I came here with my uncle and my cousin.

We are all from Panama.

• • •

When we live in Panama, my uncle worked in a bakery and was a great cake maker. He always looked for the best herbs to put in the cakes and make them yummy delicious.

My cousin, Alberto Zapata, worked twenty-four years as a petty officer for the Panamanian army.

What is happen was that for one Christmas party the generals of the army, knowing that his father worked in a bakery, asked my cousin Alberto to donate cakes.

My uncle and cousin decided together to do the cake called Tres Leches, which means "three milks." This cake is famous for being served at the Queen of England’s weddings, and was shipped all the way from Panama. The cake was said to be the most delectable in the world.

Alberto and his father made that cake for the army and added a new golden syrup for cakes that my uncle, Tito Pebete created, made from a herb that gives a lot of happy spirit to the people that eat it. He called the syrup syrupoloco.

During the party, all the soldiers and generals did not stop dropping grenades and explosives and shooting with their rifles. A few of the generals were even happy to shoot their new cannons, and this very happy and noisy party