Fifty Shades of Tartan and Other Assorted Love Songs

By Gord Oxley

Gord Oxley's second Voltroning of funnycrazy short stories is a smorgascopia exploring alternate universes, sandwiches, bad mayors, tennis balls to the head, the Mayan Calendar and so much more, all starting with Albert Einstein and ending with Morgan Freeman, as most things do!

Fun to write, hopefully even more fun to read.

If you like it, give it 5 stars! If not, then just 4. Thx & enjoy! :o)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gord Oxley
• Release date: Sep 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476203010

Gord Oxley

Update (September 2012): I just uploaded a second batch of sausages in short-story casing ("Fifty Shades of Tartan and Other Assorted Love Songs") to go with the first batch uploaded in March ("Tales of the Absurdid"). Very fun. Are they good? Oh hell, I don't know. But they're fun to do, and they're free. I'm now a two-time e-writer, but not a two-timing one; I'm a luvva not a playa. Anyhoo, I'm based in Toronto, Canada (the apology capital of the world). Hopefully you'll find some of the intended funny stuff funny. The spaghetti theory is in play here - throw enough of it at a wall and some of it will stick. Hobbies include semi-colons and jogging. Thanks for reading this far; gotta run.

Book preview

Fifty Shades of Tartan

and Other Assorted Love Songs

by Gord Oxley

Copyright 2012 Gord Oxley

Smashwords Edition

* * *

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free e-book. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

(May I just add parenthetically outside of the official blurb above that you can always contact me as per the About the Author page at the end of this whole thing if you do want to say hi, quote any excerpts, have my love-babies, or buy me a beer. Constructive criticism is also welcome, and I can rarely decline a side order of fries.)

* * *

Thank Yous and Acknowledgments

For encouragement, advice, humour: Robbo, Ralph, Jane, and Jo. Thanks Jerry for the initial writing exercise inspiration. Thanks as well to Ian MacIntyre for the title suggestion, It's Warm In Here, and to Carolyn Meehan for the title suggestion, Fifty Shades of Tartan, which ended up also becoming part of the title of this collection. And huge thanks also to you, the discerning or curious e-reader, for actually downloading this. Seriously, thanks.

A Quick Bit of Background

Like my previous e-book (see About the Author at the end for more info on that if you want), most of these stories started out as 20-minute writing challenges, usually just me picking a word or short phrase at random and then plowing ahead without (much) stopping and seeing what came out. Later, some clean-up and maybe some extra editing or embellishing would be applied. In a few cases, I tried to tell larger (but still basically goofball) stories. Let me tell you, those were challenges in this ADHD world, but I gave them a whack. I usually don't do a lot of research for my stories other than the odd Googling here and there, and I believe that it is this very inattention to detail that shines throughout.

Disclaimers-Fil-A

I do occasionally resort to bad language in these stories, so, please proceed cautiously if swears make you uncomfortable. Or, just don't read this thing at all. But if you do read this thing at all, then for Pete's sake don't show those naughty parts to the young or exceptionally impressionable; they got enough going on. Also, there is no shortage of goofy concepts and bad wordplay which wander around free-range throughout this collection of stories. I tried not to take too much of this too seriously, so neither should you.

I work, live, play, sweat, and many other verbs in Canada, so there are some Canadian spellings embedded here, such as colour (not color), sorry (not outta my way, douchebag), and so on. Please don't let this throw you; instead, just let the exoticness of this prose wash right over you. It'll be like you've travelled to a foreign land without even leaving your home. Plus, think of all those bonus letters you're getting here for free. For free. But otherwise, we're all people here who basically speeg da saim lanquitch, yo.

And hopefully I caught all the typos and unintentional bad grammar and punctuation. If not, then you might just be a copy-editing rock star waiting to happen. Or a copy-editing country star, like the Stet-ler Brothers.

Yep, it's gonna be all A-list wit and wisdom here. You're welcome.

I guess that's about it. Thanks muchly, hope you like it, and read on, MacDuff.

* * *

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Alternate

Cleaning

Fifty Shades of Tartan

It's Warm In Here

Knuckles

Lunch

Mayan

Mayor

Nottobiographical

Restaurant

Saloon

Take

Tangle

Tennis Ball

Untitled Morgan Freeman Project

About the Author

* * * * *

Alternate

This is not a well-researched story at all. So it therefore belongs here, and now let's just shrug our shoulders and do this.

~ ~ ~

Alternate-Universe Albert Einstein was a very smart (if unconventional) man but he found physics really, really boring. He was, however, really good at Three-Card Monty. His hands were quicker than any eyes at that time, and he enjoyed pissing away his days in the Swiss Patent Office in Bern grifting money out of his co-workers. His boss, Shubert Stranheim, took unkindly to his lackadaisical work ethic and promptly dismissed A.U. Einstein from his employ. It was April 1904, and the pre-Linked-In world of yesteryear made it tough for A.U. Einstein to find work. That, and A.U. Einstein's stinky attitude.

He also hated that he kept getting compared to Regular-Universe Albert Einstein all the time, who was such a big shot working on physics this and speed of light that. Fucking keener. Why, if A.U. Einstein could meet R.U. Einstein, he'd trick him out of his money with his formidable Three-Card Monty skills, then punch him in his big flyaway-hair-topped egg head just for good measure.

He wondered, how did they even hear about Regular-Universe Einstein anyway? Or Regular-Universe anyone? And why were those guys over there regular and the rest of us alternate? Well, it was the damn fault of Alternate-Universe Bartok Richter – certainly a nobody in the regular universe, but in this alternate universe he was a huge and groundbreaking scientific celebrity. He was balding, pudgy, squeamishly nerdy, poorly-dressed, and therefore he totally set this cool alternate universe on its ear with his wild theories about many scientific hot-button topics: quantum bridging, wormhole worlds, alternate universes, re-animation, and pan-gendered whorebots.

Rumours about the Regular Universe were mixed with facts, of course, and no one person had all the insights about what it was really like over there. Still, once reports of this and that got out from a few brave returning bridgers, A.U. Einstein was curious and determined to see for himself.

So he sought out A.U. Richter, and managed to gain facetime with him in Richter's impressively steampunk university office. Every kind of mechanically-driven doohickey and steam-powered whatsit lined the walls of Richter's office.

A.U. Einstein pulled his attention away from the increasingly bizarre memorabilia and cleared his throat.

I need to meet 'Regular Universe' Albert Einstein so I can steal his money and punch him in his big flyaway-hairy egg head face, A.U. Einstein said.

Wow. Okay, replied A.U. Richter, who was a very accepting and non-judgmental man. Also, despite his cult status in the scientific community, he didn't actually get a lot of meaningful company, so he was eager to please any passerby who came by the office and didn't mess with his cool steampunk shit. So after a small pay-off of hard-earned Three-Card Monty takings changed hands, Richter led his guest across his large office towards a large apparatus.

Please step into this parabolic portal chamber, then crouch down, Richter instructed, guiding A.U. Einstein towards a large, horizontally-bisected brass orb in the middle of the office which was connected to all kinds of multi-coloured wires, Tesla coils, and giant boxlike consoles festooned with loads of dials, gear cogs, and oiled chains. Richter slid the top half of the orb off with a trebly metallic sliding noise, and A.U. Einstein unquestioningly stepped inside this device.

Duck your head, recommended A.U. Richter, which his subject did. The top half of the brass orb was slid back into place with a metallic sliding noise followed by a click, and immediately a loud hum filled the room. Lights of every colour brightened, the temperature fluctuated between warm and cool, and spacetime itself momentarily bent in on itself and took what can only be described as an unceremonious dump. With a temporary room pressure change accompanied by a loud, primordial poot sound, A.U. Albert Einstein was gone from inside the brass orb. All that was left was a puff of smoke (with a vague hint of cooked brassy meat).

~ ~ ~

A.U. Einstein emerged from a puff of smoke (with a vague hint of cooked brassy meat) in the exact same spot he had just left, except that in the Regular Universe, it was a farmer's field outside of Bern. He checked himself to make sure no limbs or genitals were missing, that all his clothes were on, and that his breath was still neutral-smelling. He then began to walk the few kilometres to get to the Swiss Patent Office where he knew he, or rather, R.U. Einstein, would be.

Although it was an enjoyable walk for a lovely April day, he couldn't help but notice odd things about this so-called regular universe: the air smelled a little weird to him, the buildings looked just a little strange, and there were no Three-Card Monty games to be found anywhere. What the fuck was up with this universe anyway? Still, he took in this reconnaissance at a leisurely pace and noted with no small wonder at the scope of this achievement already. He was in a totally different universe!

Soon, he arrived at the