The Vampire Relationship Guide, Volume 3: Family and Feuds

By Evelyn Lafont

It’s the holiday season and Josie is definitely feeling the strain. From unexpected (and not necessarily welcome) house guests to the demanding clients of her new wedding consultancy, her plate isn’t just full—it’s overflowing.

Adding to the pressure is the tension between the vampire government, Weres and her pointy-toothed love, Walker. Will a string of suspicious teen murders and disturbing secrets from Walker’s past conspire to ruin their love? Or will Josie and Walker rise above such petty concerns and keep fighting, together?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Helios Media, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 26, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452445007

Evelyn Lafont

Evelyn Lafont is a freelance writer and author living in Tampa Bay, Florida. Originally from New England, she likes that none of her shoes or body parts freeze during the short Florida winter. She is the married mother of two catlike furballs and hates doing housework of any kind.

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THE VAMPIRE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE, VOLUME 3: FAMILY AND FEUDS

Evelyn Lafont

The Vampire Relationship Guide, Volume 3: Family and Feuds. Copyright © 2012 Evelyn Lafont.

Smashwords edition May 2014

I hope you didn’t pirate this book. The eye patch is so 1999. If you have questions about the many ways you can use this book (other than as a hat or a pterodactyl) contact me at [e-mail]

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance herein to real people or places is purely coincidental.

To Hubby. You know who you are.

PART 1—ACCEPTANCE

The sad truth is that your vampire hottie has lived many, many lives before meeting you. He even had a childhood, however many decades or centuries ago. If you want to love a vamp, or at least avoid angering him while you enjoy his hot sex, you’ve got to be able to accept his vampire and human past.

—Excerpt from VampLure Magazine

CHAPTER 1

Of course, Sophia. Yeah, I can totally do that. Definitely. Uh-huh. Okay. Right. Yes. Okay, I will definitely look into it. You too. Bye. I hung up and immediately commenced to freaking the fuck out. My new bridal consultancy had been open a couple of months and already we’d completed two weddings—which means I’d consulted on two grand affairs—from start to finish—with only eight weeks to prepare for them. The sole thing saving my ass was that both brides had come from families with homes in the rich neighborhoods. Thanks to the endless Florida sunshine and each family’s truly expensive landscaping, we’d had two spectacular outdoor weddings on the bay and some very happy clients.

But my newest bride, Sophia DelMarco, and her groom, Evan VonBaltzinger III, Esq., were not content with a down-home shindig at her parents’ 10,000 sq. ft. manse on the water. No, they wanted to have their wedding at the aquarium. In a tank. But not just any tank: the shark tank. We were waiting until the last minute to find out whether that was actually going to happen. What the bride didn’t know was that I had an entirely different backup wedding plan designed in case her shark-tank dreams were drowned.

We absolutely had to commit to the aquarium as the location, since she’d had to send the invites out before we got the go-ahead on the shark tank, so I’d planned for an alternate ceremony in the aquarium’s Fish Swim exhibit. But since they had yet to introduce a shark swim feature, there were a lot of different angles and liabilities to consider. I’d tried to work with the aquarium assistant manager, to no avail. I’d hinted to my client that they should use their influence (the penguin exhibit was built thanks to a donation by the bride’s father), but they insisted that I should be the one to make this impossible dream a reality.

Personally, I had a feeling that the bride hadn’t even discussed this harebrained idea with her parents and didn’t want them to know. Sophia had just called to inform me that, in addition to the ceremony in a tank—for which I still hadn’t found a priest with scuba certification who was willing to risk his flesh—she also wanted the entire aquarium closed for the day. But this could come with a hefty bill if there were tours already scheduled for that date.

Price is no obstacle, she said. Maybe not, but a bride and groom in the shark tank? That wasn’t just an obstacle; that was what a shark might call an appetizer.

I sat behind the desk in my small white office, located in a two-room strip mall storefront between a bakery and a sub shop, tapping my fingers on the multiline phone and staring off into space. My assistant, and former Texan stripper-for-hire, Sandy walked in with a pad of paper and pencil. She was doing a great job in the office, but was still getting used to the confines of my dress code. I’d asked her to dress more conservatively so that the clients would be comfortable entrusting us with their hundred-thousand-dollar weddings, and she overcompensated by wearing a shapeless, sky-blue cotton muumuu featuring bright pink hibiscus paired with clunky white bedazzled sneakers with handy Velcro closures.

You ready to tell me what you want me to do tomorrow while you and Walker sleep in? She winked and settled herself into one of the orange club chairs in front of my desk.

I have an appointment tomorrow, that’s why I’ll be late. Walker and I aren’t sleeping in.

Sure, you ain’t. You forget, I know Walker. I know what he likes to do in the morning. As she said it, she bit her bottom lip while manipulating her features into her snarling sex face, then she waved her hand in front of her like she was smacking someone’s ass.

Do you seriously think that reminding me about your past with my boyfriend is going to help you at raise time?

Sugar, I think it helps me all the time ‘cause your face blanches white whenever I bring it up. It’s worth it for laughs alone.

Why do I not replace you?

Because no one else is as good as me. Hey—that sounds like something Walker would—

Don’t say it! I held up my hand and tried to balance my urge to puke with my urge to laugh.

Don’t you worry, sugar, you know that man loves you. And what he and I did, that ain’t love. You got somethin’ special with him.

I smiled and glanced over at the picture on my desk: Walker and I fighting each other with large, fake dinosaur bones that we’d gotten at the museum near Walker’s old house in Texas. Okay, let’s talk business.

I had just finished giving Sandy a list of things to do for the next day when my direct line—a number that I hadn’t released to anyone but Walker—rang.

Yes, dear? I answered while looking out the window at the not-yet-setting sun.

Can you pick up milk on your way home?

Weird. This sounds like Walker, and yet…

Oh, sorry—hello, schnookum-fish-polyp-face, how do I love thee and shit.

Hello, Grady. Walker’s twin brother—also a vampire—was not a fan of mine, nor was I one of his. You know, it’s November, it’ll be sunset soon, and I still have work to do, so why don’t you get it yourself once the sun sets?

Do you have any idea what happens to me when I go to the grocery store?

You look terrible under fluorescent lights?

No, I don’t look terrible under any lights—that’s the problem. Get the milk and you’ll save me the trouble of having to break a million grocery-shopping-mom hearts.

Isn’t there a special grocery store where the supermodels go? Then you can bring a new one home—I think you broke the last one.

Yeah, because models buy groceries. You are so delusional.

Touché. And what about Harry—isn’t he home? He can get the milk.

He’s got some special thing he’s planning for Sandy. It’s their month anniversary or some shit. Look, if I’d known you were going to turn this into a conversation, I would’ve emailed you. Can you just get the milk?

I sighed. There was no point. Grady had an ego the size of, well, nothing, because his ego was so big, it’s the thing all other big stuff is compared to. And I’d probably want milk in my tea tonight anyway, so I might as well do it. Fine, Grady, I’ll come home with milk, I said and hung up.

I worked until dark then locked up and walked out to my new car. It was so new I sometimes forgot what the hell to look for when trying to locate it in the parking lot. Walker’d convinced me to buy it since I had to do so much driving for appointments. He’d done all the research on safety features and crash test results; I sang Crash Test Dummies’ songs. I wasn’t sure if he suggested I buy this car because it was the safest or because he could no longer take me singing the chorus to MMM MMM MMM MMM and then falling into a fake-baritone-induced coughing fit.

When I reached the car, the back end was sagging, likely due to a flat. I walked to the tire in question: first, a knife had been shoved into the rubber. Second, said knife was holding something in place, as if it were an especially vicious thumbtack. Without thinking, I ripped the thing out from the knife. It was a piece of paper:

Tag. You’re it.

Although

Reviews for The Vampire Relationship Guide, Volume 3

[dragonlibrary8 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

My thoughts:This was a fast, fun read. The characters are great! Josie is spunky and funny, Gregory is smooth and mysterious, and Walker....what can a girl say about Walker! He is rough and crass, but you can see the soft and suave under the surface (it just doesn't like to show!). I was IN from the first page. Couldn't wait to see what would happen next and fell in love with Josie's personality! Gregory seems "off" from the start. Of course that could be the relationship cynic in me. If it seems too good to be true - it is. I enjoyed the interactions of Josie and Walker, I love the attraction that they each try to ignore. The story moves quickly and doesn't leave you hanging. I would have loved to see this story fleshed out more and moved from a novella to a full length story. I feel that the characters and the storyline could have sustained a longer book. If I had to say there was one thing that disappointed me - it would be that the story was over too fast. I can't wait for Volume Two!

[andreat78_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The Vampire Relationship Guide is a book that’s been on my TBR-list for a while. I am a big fan of Evelyn LaFont. I think pretty much everything she writes is brilliant, and funny, and smart. So even though I’ve wanted to read this book, I was a little hesitant. What if the book didn’t live up to the expectations I had put on it. Well, crises averted. I am happy to say the The Vampire Relationship Guide: Meeting and Mating was everything I hoped for/expected from LaFont. First off, I love Josie. She’s a real “guy’s girl”. She lives an life uncomplicated by marriage, children or a stressful career. And she is completely content. She’s funny and fearless. Josie is the kind of character that we can vicariously live through. She usually has good intentions; but almost always says or does something to end up in ridiculously funny situations. Josie is an endearing character. While reading the book, I felt as if I were chatting with my favorite friend. Another aspect of the book that I liked is the men. Josie becomes involved with not one ridiculously attractive vampire, but two. The men are everything you can ask for: unbelievably handsome, charming, rich and mysterious. The buildup of the relationships is hot and sometimes so lingering, I thought I would go crazy (in a good way!). Towards the end, I was caught by surprised. Because while this is a funny, sexy little book, it also has heart. The tenderness shown to Josie by one of the vamps, who shall not be named, was so darn beautiful. The ending of the The Vampire Relationship Guide was set up perfectly for book two, The Vampire Relationship Guide: Volume 2, due out August 31, 2011. I like to post favorite passages from books. While there were many, many quotable lines, this struck me as one of the funniest: “The cab smelled like it’d been slept in by ten retired circus clowns who’d gotten jobs scooping horse poo with their hands. I was so upset about what happened between ____ and me that I didn’t even bother to care that I was steeping myself in Eau de Poopie Clown.” flag