Rules for Engagement

By Jody Andrews

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
A relationship is an association between two or more people. We are all in relationship to others. We may be involved in an emotionally intimate connection with someone such as a lover, spouse or partner. We are likely to be involved in social interactions with friends, neighbors and community. Most of us have relationships with those we consider family and very few of us escape the necessity of dealing with the complexity of professional or working relationships.
This book is not only about one-on-one intimate relationships, but any situation that involves an "other." It can apply to our social groups, friends, co-workers, employers, lovers and family members.
Not all relationships are healthy. Often we find ourselves in stressful relationships where resentment builds, ulcers develop, our chests hurt or depression sets in. This is one reason why, as a society, we have become major consumers of pharmaceuticals. We may find ourselves asking "Am I crazy?" Or, "What is wrong with this picture?" Understanding what's wrong can help alleviate the anxiety we feel. We may be more anxious in the dark - the unknown.
When you find yourself asking these questions, it may be because one of the Rules for Engagement is missing: Reciprocity, Reliability, Respect. The pages that follow show you how to shine a light into the darkness to reveal what has been missing.
This book is not intended as a "magic bullet", a psychological tome, a guide to life, or instant cure for potentially deep psychological wounding. Instead, use it as another tool or a "check list" as so many of these helpful guides have proven to be.
The purpose of this book is to use the Rules for Engagement to help you evaluate your intimate, social, family or professional relationships so that you may better understand why you may be feeling uncomfortable. It can not only help you determine what is missing or what is wrong, but it can also help you determine what is right in your relationship. This book will help shed light on the picture, help you make smarter relationship decisions and help you choose an appropriate course of action when necessary

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jody Andrews
• Release date: May 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476182612

Jody Andrews

Jody Andrews is a Colorado Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Workshop Facilitator and Educator. She received her Bachelors Degree and her Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University.

Book preview

Rules for

Engagement

Elements for success in personal,

social and professional, relationships.

A primer and workbook.

Jody Andrews, LMFT

http://www.jodyandrews.com

Interior Sketches by Ross Kirkham

Cover Design by Jody Andrews

Psychology – Interpersonal Relationships

Copyright © 2012 Joanne M. (Jody) Andrews

Published on Smashwords

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 1475170114

ISBN-13: 9781475170115

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All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

First Edition License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to wherever you bought it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

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For George

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

1 The Three Rules for Engagement

2 Reciprocity

3 Reliability

4 Respect

5 Relationship Circle

6 Solution

7 Do Nothing

8 Communicate

9 Leave

10 Intimate Relationships

11 Social Relationships

12 Family Relationships

13 Community Relationships

14 Professional Relationships

15 Teaching Relationships

16 Reflections

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thank you to my friends, my family, my students and my clients who shared their stories, support and experience.

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Introduction

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A relationship is an association between two or more people. We are all in relationship to others. We may be involved in an emotionally intimate connection with someone such as a lover, spouse or partner. We are likely to be involved in social interactions with friends, neighbors and community. Most of us have relationships with those we consider family and very few of us escape the necessity of dealing with the complexity of professional or working relationships. This book is not only about one-on-one intimate relationships, but any situation that involves an other. It can apply to our social groups, friends, co-workers, employers, lovers and family members.

Not all relationships are healthy. Often we find ourselves in stressful relationships where resentment builds, ulcers develop, our chests hurt or depression sets in. This is one reason why, as a society, we have become major consumers of pharmaceuticals. We may find ourselves asking Am I crazy? Or, What is wrong with this picture? Understanding what’s wrong can help alleviate the anxiety we feel. We may be more anxious in the dark — the unknown.

When you find yourself asking these questions, it may be because one of the Rules for Engagement is missing: Reciprocity, Reliability, Respect. The pages that follow show you how to shine a light into the darkness to reveal what has been missing.

This book is not intended as a magic bullet, a psychological tome, a guide to life, or instant cure for potentially deep psychological wounding. Instead, use it as another tool or a check list as so many of these helpful guides have proven to be.

The purpose of this book is to use the Rules for Engagement to help you evaluate your intimate, social, family or professional relationships so that you may better understand why you may be feeling uncomfortable. It can not only help you determine what is missing or what is wrong, but it can also help you determine what is right in your relationship. This book will help shed light on the picture, help you make smarter relationship decisions and help you choose an appropriate course of action when necessary.

The examples within this book are drawn from movies and pop culture, as well as actual case studies, using fictional names to protect client privacy. The pop culture examples are meant to illustrate how pervasive these concepts are within our culture. In fact, I use pop culture and movies so often in my practice that a client once asked me if I received my degree from the neighborhood video source. When it was time to end our therapeutic relationship, he gave me a video rental card as a gift. One other note: The movies and pop culture references may be dated, but then again, so am I.

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Chapter 1

Rules for Engagement

Reciprocity, Reliability, Respect

Our greatest joy-and our greatest pain comes

in our relationships with others.

— Stephen R. Covey

At first glance, the Rules for Engagement may seem like a simple concept. Yet, if it is so simple, why do we find ourselves in such difficult and confusing situations? Because it takes a balance of all three of the elements in the Rules for Engagement to have a truly healthy relationship and most of us do not notice that one of the essential elements is missing until it is too late.

We are like the frog in boiling water. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will unwittingly perish. The story is often used as a metaphor for our inability to react to important changes that occur gradually.

Most relationships do not start out missing the mark on the important elements of the Rules for Engagement. If they did, we probably wouldn’t continue in the relationship. However, over time, we may begin to notice that something is wrong. But by then, we may already feel cooked. This does not mean we cannot have functioning relationships without one or even two of the elements, but chances are, if you are in a relationship that is missing one or more of the elements, the relationship is not functioning at optimum level.