The Montreal Guide to Sex

By Laura Roberts

The Montreal Guide to Sex collects 10 of Laura Roberts’ humorously erotic stories plus 1 sexy how-to manual together in one kinky little ebook. Inside, readers will find:

* "Sleeping Together" - The games lovers play, in & out of the bedroom
* "The Montreal Guide to Sex" - Choosing a partner in the Sin City of the North
* "Where to Get Laid in Montreal" - A list of great places to get jiggy in Montreal
* "Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Get Laid in Montreal" - A tongue-in-cheek Top 5 list
* "Double Trouble" - A slow night at the bar gets frisky with double your pleasure
* "The Unbelievably True Story of the World’s Worst Sex" - Think you've had bad sex? This story takes the cake!
* "How to Suck Better" - A short how-to for ladies (and gents!) looking to improve their oral skills
* "Never Trust A Brother" - An erotic lipogram (i.e. story told without the letter I) about the perils of attractive roommates
* "Aries" - From Laura's astrological sex series, featuring the ram
* "Taurus" - From Laura's astrological sex series, featuring the bull
* "Virgo" - From Laura's astrological sex series, featuring the virgin

In addition, you’ll also receive an excerpt from Roberts’ serial novel, Naked Montreal.

Learn more about Montreal’s dirty side as you explore the Sin City of the North, guided by the author of The Vixen Files: Naughty Notes from a Montreal Sex Columnist. Great for Montreal natives and tourists alike!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Buttontapper Press
• Release date: Jan 13, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466175532

Laura Roberts

Laura Roberts can leg-press an average-sized sumo wrestler, has nearly been drowned off the coast of Hawaii, and tells lies for a living. She is the founding editor of Black Heart Magazine, the San Diego Chapter Leader for the Nonfiction Authors Association, and publishes whatever strikes her fancy at Buttontapper Press. She currently lives in an Apocalypse-proof bunker in sunny SoCal with her artist husband and their literary kitties, and can be found on Twitter @originaloflaura. Blurring the lines between fact and fiction, Laura has penned the alphabetical travel guides Montreal from A to Z and San Diego from A to Z, offbeat writing guides A Cheater’s Guide to NaNoWriMo and Confessions of a 3-Day Novelist, and the satirical adventure tale, Ninjas of the 512. She is also the editor of the collection Haiku for Lovers, and the forthcoming anthology Everything I Need to Know About Love I Learned from Pop Songs (February 2016).

Book preview

The Montreal Guide to Sex

Humorous erotica from the Sin City of the North

by Laura Roberts

Copyright 2012 Laura Roberts

Published by Buttontapper Press

Smashwords Edition

Cover image "book reading,"

by falldownmoon

(photo CC 2011, via Flickr)

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Sleeping Together

The Montreal Guide to Sex

Where to Get Laid in Montreal

Top 5 Reasons You Can't Get Laid in Montreal

Double Trouble

The Unbelievably True Story of the World's Worst Sex

How to Suck Better

Never Trust A Brother

Aries

Taurus

Virgo

Naked Montreal

About the Author

SLEEPING TOGETHER

I don’t understand his request.

I want to spend the night, but I don’t want to fuck you, he repeats. He has been mulling this over, there on my couch, in between sips of wine and perverse answers to Trivial Pursuit questions. (Question: What Cameron Crowe debut novel bore the subtitle A True Story? Answer: Cameron Crowe Sucks Donkey Cock. Actual Answer: Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Comment: Same difference.) This is after our talk about priorities -- another game I have always enjoyed. He’s made me a list of the Top Five Things He Could Never Go Without, which is neither absurd nor sigh-inducing in its loveliness. I do not long to press it to my chest after he is gone, reminiscing about the shape of his lips, nor do I want to shred it into paper snowflakes in exasperated fury. It simply exists now on the lined pages of one of my notebooks. It lies there, a quiet addition to the three others I have had occasion to assemble.

Love is the first item on his list. I mentally compare this to my friend Neil’s Top Five, which begins with baseball, and find myself suspicious. Then again, my last boyfriend Ian listed love/sex in his top slot. He’s not winning any points for originality, but it’s not completely off the mark. Survey says he can stay.

You don't want to fuck me? I laugh. He can’t be serious. What will he do in my bed? Sleep? This doesn’t happen to real people. This is something out of a junior high-school fantasy, a pre-pubescent’s idea of what people do in bed together: a man in a bed with a beautiful woman, touching her gently but not sexually. Is he crazy, or just trying to be someone he‘s not? They're pretty much the same thing. But temptation’s another game. All right, let’s play. I fold up the Trivial Pursuit board, put it to rest in its blue box.

No. I just want to sleep in your bed. Is that all right? We can keep playing without the board. He fans some of the cards, shuffles them expertly from one hand to the other. A method actor, he’s done time as a croupier, studied physics, trained in kung fu. All very interesting, like this proposal of his. Shall I take him up on it?

I consider the idea. What I really want is for him to fuck me. I’ve been waiting all night to see what he looks like with his face contorted in a beautiful agony. Isn’t this what’s expected between a man and a woman? He will fuck me as hard as he likes, and I will tell him when to stop. He will make me come, or perhaps I will make him come. There will definitely be at least one orgasm. If we play well together, perhaps there will be two. For a flawless victory, they will be simultaneous. He’s not playing by the rules. We are not here because we are in love; I thought that had been established. You never fall for actors,