Hopelessly Alone

By Jewel Lynn

How much baggage does one individual need to shoulder before catching a break?

 

Natalia is a young girl with an awful past. She is battling to overcome recent deaths in her family, while dealing with high school and other burdens life has thrown at her.

 

Often feeling alone, Natalia tries to mingle with new friends, but one event mixed with many other nightmares causes her to stumble and fall.

 

Most people can get back up, but she struggles to crawl. Can she stand on her own two feet again, or will the ghosts of her past keep her down?

 

(This book has triggers in it. Please read at your own risk)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jewel Lynn
• Release date: Mar 31, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393743569

Jewel Lynn

Jewel Lynn is a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. She has been writing all her life but became a published author during the pandemic of 2020. Now, she spends all her free time creating magic through her stories. You can find more about her by following the links below: Facebook- Jewel Lynn Author Jewel Lynn's Book Nook Jewel Lynn's Words of Art

Book preview

How much baggage does one individual need to shoulder before catching a break?

Natalia is a young girl with an awful past. She is battling to overcome recent deaths in her family, while dealing with high school and other burdens life has thrown at her.

Often feeling alone, Natalia tries to mingle with new friends, but one event mixed with many other nightmares causes her to stumble and fall.

Most people can get back up, but she struggles to crawl. Can she stand on her own two feet again, or will the ghosts of her past keep her down?

Chapter 1

Merriam Webster defines family as the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. But that is far from what I have seen. My ‘family’ consists of myself and my so-called mother, but we are far from being a family. We are simply two people living under one roof and while she should be taking care of me, at least for another nine months, she is instead taking care of herself and forgetting that she has a daughter.

Unless she needs something, of course.

The proof lies before me as I watch her snort another line of heroin.

Or maybe it’s cocaine, today. Who knows?

Beer cans and bottles are scattered around the kitchen as she parties like an irresponsible teen. The air wreaks of marijuana and cigarettes. The noise is deafening as her ‘friends’ guffaw over the stupidest of things and the music blares from the speakers. I try to ignore it all, I try so hard, but this is getting out of hand.

Yet there is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes I wish I knew who my dad was and wonder if he is any different from my mom. Probably not though since she met him in a prison. She has never had morals, class or self-respect. She used to go to the local prison and pass herself around like a prostitute without getting paid for it.

No joke.

Natalia, come here. Betty, my mom’s drunk friend slurs. She holds her arms open, gesturing for a hug. "I haven’t seen you in years!" She exclaims, smiling crazily at me.

I roll my eyes and turn away, heading for the stairs so I can escape to my room. I came down looking for food, only to find out we didn’t have any. Not even bread for toast.

She has not been shopping in a month. Then again, it’s hard to do when you trade all your food stamps for alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.

I mean, why support your only child?

She can’t even work because she’s such an addict and can’t function without the stuff.

I run up to my room and lock myself inside. I quickly rummage through my drawers, my closet and my wallet searching for a little bit of money to buy myself something to eat. I manage to scrounge up close to five dollars. After changing my clothes into something warm so I don’t freeze my ass off, I run down the stairs and out the front door. With my purse and phone in hand, I head for the store.

I would call Preston to take me, except we broke up... again. As I walk, I think about whether or not I want to continue this ‘relationship’ we’ve had for almost two years. We are always on again/off again.

He claims he loves me, but I don’t see how. Every time things get a little rough, he wants to end it.

He’s always the one to end it. Even if it is just for a couple of weeks to a month. He’s always the one breaking up with me for some reason or another.

I shake my head at my own thoughts.

There’s no use wondering if we’re going to make it because I know we won’t. I have no plans to stick around after graduation. I want to leave this place and never look back. I want to get as far away from this life I’m currently living and give myself so much more than what I’m getting.

I deserve more. A lot more.

I hear a car approaching from behind me and I step closer to the edge of the road, so I don’t get hit. There are no sidewalks between my house and the store, which could be dangerous, but I’ve walked this path so many times, I could most definitely walk it in my sleep.

I hear the car slow down, almost stopping next to me. Hey, Nat. I hear a familiar voice call out. You need a ride?

Christopher Johnson, Preston’s best friend is creeping up next to me, his passenger window down so I can hear him. I ignore him and keep facing forward, walking a little faster. Chris speeds up a bit, to keep up with me.

Come on, Natalia. Don’t play like that. He groans, coming to a complete stop. I scoff and shake my head but continue walking.

I’m in no mood to speak to him. If it weren’t for Chris, Preston never would have broken up with me last week. Chris had told him he saw me out with Brandon, one of the guys from our school’s football team. So naturally, Preston thought I was cheating on him.

Little did he know, I was actually at home, dealing with my own demons...

Nat. Chris tries again, stepping out of his car. I hear him sigh before I hear his feet hit the ground. He jogs up to me and grabs my arm, lightly, forcing me to stop. Come on. Talk to me. He begs, his blue eyes glittering with frustration.

I push him away from me, but his grip only tightens. I have nothing to say. I grit through my teeth. Now, let go. I tug on my arm, but he doesn’t give up.

He clenches his jaw, narrowing his eyes down at me.

Chris is considerably taller than me. He’s at least a foot and a half taller and he towers over my smaller frame. His sandy blonde hair blows messily in the night air, making him appear effortlessly gorgeous.

I can’t lie. Christopher Johnson is hot. But his attitude sucks. He thinks he can have whatever he wants and does whatever he wants, no matter who he hurts in the process.

I did it for a reason. He hisses, pulling me closer.

Oh right! I exclaim, laughing sarcastically. And what was that reason, again? I yell, pushing against his chest.

He doesn’t budge.

He sighs and shakes his head. I can’t tell you. He brings his free hand up and takes my other arm, pulling me just a little bit closer. But I promise you, he starts, staring into my light blue eyes, everything will come out, soon enough.

I shake my head and look away. I have a fairly good idea as to why he lied and told Preston that I cheated on him. I don’t know all the facts right now, but I guarantee I am right.

He’s seeing someone else, isn’t he? I ask, quietly, turning back to him.

His brows furrow and he sighs, bowing his head. Tears spring to my eyes, humiliation sweeping over me. I nod once and step away from him. With a sad smile tossed his way, I turn around and put one foot in front of the other, changing up my destination.

I’m ready to forget this day, completely.

I’m ready to forget those around me.

I’m ready to forget who I am and what I stand for.

Tonight, I hit the ground running.

Running away from my pathetic life.

Running away from the people that claim they care about me.

Running away from the hurt that is tearing up my insides.

I’ll probably wake up with regret, but right now, I don’t give a damn.

Chapter 2

O MG, did you see who Preston walked in with this morning? An airhead cheerleader named Sahara, asks loudly, as she ‘talks’ to one of her friends. Her talking is more like yelling. She’s always been a loud person and can’t whisper for the life of her.

I roll my eyes and try to ignore the gossip; however, my ears do perk up at the mention of him with someone else. Who is it, this time? Sadie, Sahara’s friend, asks, her eyes glittering in admiration for Preston and any news that revolves around him.

Yes, he’s gorgeous, but he’s also a jackass. He’s five feet, ten inches with dark brown-almost black hair, hazel eyes and muscles that make a girl drool and dream of doing naughty things to his body.

But as I’ve said, he’s a jackass.

He didn’t even have the decency to break up with me, before bouncing into another girl’s bed. I found out through a mutual friend that he was sleeping with someone else before Chris lied about me being with Brandon.

As if I need to hurt even more than I already do!

Chloe. She smirks, looking in my direction. I have my head bowed, as if I’m trying to read my English book, but I see her out of my periphery. My fist clenches in my lap. I should have known.

It’s not the first time he’s been seen around with her.

My throat tightens as I try to swallow the lump that’s formed. I’m honestly not surprised, but I am a little hurt. We’ve been on and off again for two years and he acts like I mean nothing to him. But I guess I don’t help him think differently, when I continue to let him walk all over me and do what he does.

Maybe it’s time for me to cut my losses and let him go, for good. Besides, I plan on leaving this town the day I graduate, and I know he already has plans for his future.

He’s going to college.

I haven’t even bothered to apply.

I have good grades, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have the money.

I’ll never have the money.

So, I don’t see any point in wasting my time when I know I’ll never be able to afford it.

Ooh, wow. Sadie exclaims. I can imagine her fanning herself like the drama queen that she is.

Mhm. They are so hot together, too. Sahara replies and I internally scoff. Much better than him and Natalia. She spits my name in disgust and I can’t help but laugh.

She doesn’t like me because I not only got the guy that she’s always wanted, but also because whenever she runs her mouth to me, I give it back. She’s a conniving bitch that has caused more problems for me, throughout my relationship with Preston.

They are hot together, for sure. Sadie agrees, cackling like a hyena. I wonder if he’s actually going to stay with her this time, though? She adds as an afterthought.

Sahara shrugs, looking my way. I honestly don’t know why he would get back with Nat.

I bite my tongue and try my hardest to ignore them. I remind myself that they’re just a couple of envious bitches that want what they will never have. Sadie sleeps around with just about every guy in school and Sahara has a boyfriend who’s in college, but she flirts with everyone whenever he’s away. I’ve heard her arguing with him on the phone a few times because people have told him rumors of her sleeping around.

As far as I know though, she’s been faithful.

Which I am honestly surprised by. She doesn’t strike me as someone who would take relationships seriously.

Instead of sitting around and listening to everyone run me down, I stand from my seat with my bag in hand. Ms. Elwood, where do you think you’re going? The teacher asks, his eyebrow raised.

I shrug my shoulders and send him a sarcastic smile. Anywhere but here.

With that, I exit the room, Mr. Black yelling for me to stop and sit back down.

I sigh and walk the empty halls, ready to leave for the day.

Where I plan to go, I have no idea. But I don’t want to be stuck here, trying to avoid bumping into Preston and hearing all about his latest conquest.

Just as I’m about to exit the building, I hear my name being called from behind me. I sigh and turn around, bracing myself for the pending argument that I know will ensue.

I narrow my eyes as Preston saunters towards me, a swagger in his step. He’s looking good in his low waist dark jeans and black South Pole t-shirt. His backpack is hanging off one shoulder and his Timberland boots are untied yet somehow secure on his feet. His dark hair is a sexy mess on his head and his hazel eyes seem vibrant.

My back stiffens the closer he approaches. My appearance is up to par, not feeling the need to show my emotions through my wardrobe. What? I ask, my tone clipped.

I’m seriously not in the mood to deal with him right now.

He rolls his tongue over his lower lip, giving me a once over. He smirks as his eyes slowly meet mine, a mischievous glint to them. You leaving? He asks in a husky tone.

I roll my eyes. Yep. I say, sighing as I hike my bag up my shoulder. Now, if you don’t mind... I turn on my heel to leave, ready to escape this place and get as far away from Preston as I can.

Wait. He steps forward and grabs my arm, forcing me to turn towards him, again. I raise a brow, wondering what the hell he wants now. Isn’t it enough that he’s with someone else? Why bother me when I know he doesn’t want me? You want some company? He asks, his hand now sliding down my arm until it reaches my hand, where he begins to entangle our fingers together.

I pull my hand out of his reach and snarl at him. I think you have plenty of company with Chloe.

I turn away, my heart clenching at the thought of them together. I remind myself that I don’t love him, so I need not to feel this way. It’s no big deal that he’s with someone else. It’s no big deal that he technically cheated on me. It’s no big deal that I am now free to do as I please.

I push the door open and step into the frigid cold air. The wind whips around, blowing my hair all over the place. I tug my coat against me, hoping for some warmth, but knowing it’s not made for winter weather. Right now, I wish I had worn a sweatshirt underneath.

I meant to buy a winter coat, but I don’t ever have enough money. My part-time job doesn’t exactly pay me hundreds of dollars. I use any money I do get for food and personal care products, since my mother doesn’t seem to know how to buy any.

I quicken my pace in hopes to get home sooner. I know that people will probably be drinking and getting high, already, but I don’t have anywhere else to go.

Nat! I hear him call out to me, but I ignore him and keep walking. NAT! He yells, running after me. I can hear his footfalls pound against the tar, but I continue to ignore him. There’s nothing he can say right now that will change my attitude towards him. Natalia! He growls, grabbing a hold of my backpack, making me stop dead.

What? I yell, spinning around. I slam my palms against his chest, forcing him to let me go. What could you possibly have to say, Preston? I glare at him, hoping he gets a clue that I do not want to deal with him right now. You going to deny cheating on me? I hiss, pushing against him. Or are you going to deny the fact that you’re with Chloe, again?

He grabs my hands, stopping me from beating on his chest. Pulling me closer, he bows his head so he’s eye level with me. I’m not denying anything. He says, quietly, shaking his head. But I want you to know, I’m not the one who cheated first. He stands to his full height, looking down at me with narrowed eyes.

I scoff. Are you fucking kidding me, Pres? I let out a sarcastic laugh. Brandon is gay, you idiot. I wretch my hands free from his grasp. And you would’ve known that, if you had actually talked to me instead of cheated on me.

I turn and head home, satisfied to see the dumbfounded look on his face before leaving him behind.

Chapter 3

Have you ever felt so trapped inside your body, that you weren’t sure if what was happening to you was really happening? Like your mind is playing tricks on you and making you think something was happening, even though it wasn’t? Or wishing so hard that what was currently happening to you, made you go so completely numb that you don’t realize it’s been over for a while?

I’m currently wishing so hard that what’s happening isn’t, even though I know it is. He’s touching me where I don’t want to be touched, doing things to me that I don’t want done. No matter how much I cry and beg him to stop, it seems to encourage him to continue.

By him, I mean my mom’s boyfriend.

I was asleep in my bed when someone’s hands woke me up. I was being touched by someone that wasn’t Preston. I push the hands away, but they grasp onto mine and place them above my head. I whimper, quietly, begging him to stop.

You know you like it. He responds in a cocky tone. His breath wreaks of alcohol as he places small kisses from my cheek to my ear. Don’t you, Baby Girl? He nips my ear and tears run down my cheeks.

Please stop. I beg. Please.

He chuckles, wickedly, gripping tightly onto my hands as I try to wiggle out of his hold. His free hand caresses my chest, before trailing down below the blanket.

Yes, beg me, Natalia. I love hearing you cry for me. I want to scream at him, but I know it won’t do me any good.

I learned to keep quiet whenever he did this. I tried to tell my mom what was happening, but instead of believing me, she got angry and beat me. She accused me of being jealous and wanting what she had. She didn’t do anything to protect me from this monster. If fact, her ignorance only encouraged him to keep going.

I bite my lip to stop a scream from escaping. My lungs are burning as I hold in my cries. My eyes are blurring my vision and I squeeze them shut, praying for this to end soon. My body starts to shut down and I am left feeling numb as he sexually assaults me, knowing he can and will get away with it as I no longer put up a fight.

It only leaves me with scars and bruises, so what’s the point?

I wake with a gasp, panting for air as sweat starts dripping down the back of my neck. It takes me a moment to realize that it was just a nightmare and in the next second, I realize that I am at school.

I look around me, hoping that no one caught my little episode and dread fills me when I see Chris staring at me with a knowing glint in his eyes. I roll my eyes and dip my head, staring down at my desk.

That was a close call.

That nightmare was too real and too close to home.

I jump when the bell rings and shoot up from my seat, preparing to sprint out of Science class.

Unfortunately, the tall blonde muscular wall doesn’t allow me to escape, peacefully.

Not now, please. I say quietly, trying to release his hold on me.

We need to talk. He moves his hand from my arm to my waist and directs us out of the classroom. His grip on my waist tightens as I try to step away from him, feeling uncomfortable with everyone’s gaze on us.

They’re staring. I grit out, elbowing him in the ribs.

The move doesn’t deter him from loosening his hold. Instead, he shrugs his shoulders as he glares at the passing students. So. Let them.

Immediately, most of them turn their heads away from us, pretending to be interested in something else.

Chris walks past everyone, past our lockers, the bathrooms and our next class. He doesn’t stop until we are at the school’s exit and that’s only long enough to open the door with his free hand. Once we step outside, I inhale deeply, filling