Four-Hundred and Twenty Characters

By Tanya Schatzman

These are humorous pieces of my life in the length of a Facebook status. All true. All foolish. All Status-ready.

Each of these short snippets are of something I experienced, thought or witnessed. Have at it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tanya Schatzman
• Release date: Jan 7, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466192546

Tanya Schatzman

I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. I moved to Nashville, TN and I don't play the acoustic guitar. Jesus and I are mad cool. I spend my days working on how not to work for the rest of my life.

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Four-Hundred and Twenty Characters

By Tanya Schatzman

Copyright 2012 Tanya Schatzman

Smashwords Edition

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. Jesus and I are mad cool. I spend my days working on how not to work for the rest of my life.

These are pieces of my life in the length of a Facebook status.

All true. All foolish. All Status-ready.

I banned the 'Sleepy Beauty game' from the kids at daycare cuz all them lil kids really wanted 2 do was kiss each other N the mouth. Triflin 4 year olds.

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I saw a lil boy take a nasty fall down the steps comin from the pool. He got up like a G & didn’t even kno his chin was bleedin. I was like, aw man, I should tell him. WRONG. He saw blood & went NUCKIN FUTS. So I calmed him & walked him home, makin sure he didn’t pass out. Awkward moment when a stranger brings a bleedin child home 2 mom.

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I was visitin a friend. It was late. I had never been there before. My phone DIED N mid-direction givin conversation. Luckily, I had my wall charger. I stopped at every broke down gas station, unplugged their vending machines & stood there on the phone. Then, I had 2 switch 2 house porches & HOPE no one saw me & called the police.

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My friend told me this man N St. Louis pulled a woman's head off on a public bus, a couple years ago. Like, yanked her head clean OFF her shoulders & she died on the steps by the door...Ummmmmm no he didn't. Show me CNN’s coverage on that story.

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‎My friend gone say...'Do I really have 2 actually READ the Bible, or can I Google it?' Ahhhhhh hell bound! ...How U gon Google the Gospel. Ask Jeeves bout Salvation. Wikinewtestament.

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I’m completely against dudes with hoop earrings. Especially LARGE ones that dangle back & forth, hittin Ur chin when U walk...then when U throw N a slick back, slashed shirt & skinny jeans....I hate U. & it's hard 4 me 2 hate somebody...but U made me.

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I think it’s funny when Black people R singin 'White music' & then look at U like, 'yeaaa, I listen 2 EVERYTHING' like they should get a reward 4 knowin Miley Cyrus's ‘The Climb’. No, I'm not impressed. I'm lookin at U like this cuz you’re loud. & we're N Kroger.

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I’m part-timing it at Macy’s, right...I promise i'ma get fired. I can bite my tongue but my facial expressions do me N. Like when nice, super sized people R tryin on petites wonderin Y the arms R tight & need help gettin outta the shirt...do better.

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I was talkin 2 my friend last night, who recently became a strip- errrr…. Adult entertainer (Can't knock the hustle). But Y is she is out on medical leave cuz she got a lil ambitious on the pole & pulled her hamstring doin some crazy acrobatic split, tho…

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I was WEAK at this lil pre-k aged girl...it was art time & all the kids were drawin pictures of their families. She drew hers with PUBIC HAIR. She showed it 2 me & my eyes teared up tryna not laugh N her face. That’s not goin on the classroom wall, lil girl.

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I watched a dude make it rain, throwin 20’s on the floor during this TERRIBLE middle-of-the-club break dance bboy type performance. My friend snatched it up soooo fast. He was like, ‘can I get it back?’ DENIED. 10 minutes later, he was like, ‘4 real tho, lemme have it.’ NO. We were leavin & dude SNAPPED screamin like, eff U, that’s effed up...so she told security we were being harassed. Later, we got White Castle. Thanks, bboy.

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I definitely got food stamps! Sure, I may not have a couch or sufficient home accessories but I got steak, shrimp & 5 kinds of breakfast bars. I'm eatin so good on the floor by candlelight...

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I need my friend 2 get a better choice of weapon. She sleeps with a mini hammer under her pillow. Ummm people have GUNS. Unless you’re buildin a bird feeder, U won't make it...

I met a girl who used 2 B deaf. She said she woke up one day & could all of a sudden hear. I support it. I love miracles & the unbelievable stuff. But she still SOUNDS deaf & I feel terrible 4 wantin 2 laugh, everyday. We were on break together, yesterday & she was talkin SOOOO loud & I was RIGHT there. Like, 2 feet away. I was OVERLY attentive tryna compensate 4 my inner @$$hole...

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I got a plan 4 when I quit. I'll give em 2 weeks, but on the last day, I'm stealin ALL the glitter out of ALL the classrooms & throwin it up & down the hallways & all N the director's office...then I’ma drop the bottles like sexual chocolate & walk out. Clean that up B!!!!!!!!tch. U can try but U gon B OH so sparkle-y forever.

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I had a convo with a girl pushin 12 or 13 who still FULLY believes N Santa. I feel like that’s unacceptable. She must B homeschooled. Cuz if UR parents let U still believe… Ur peers wouldn’t. I don’t kno when I stopped, but it was well b4 I couldn’t order off a kids menu.

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I always crack up at kids jus learnin how 2 cuss & think its SOOOO cool…cuz they’ll walk home from school being all loud & cussin 4 NO reason like, ‘B!!!!!tch I got all my muthaf*(kin stars