Quorum of One: Satire 1998-2011

By David Jaggard

A retrospective of satires, parodies, musings and delirious rants from
humorist David Jaggard's website Quorum of One. Includes material originally published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Yankee Pot Roast and The Big Jewel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483510316

Book preview

PART ONE: THE NEWS

News Stories

Originally published between 1998 and 2000

State Outlaws Discrimination on Basis of Personality

The Wisconsin legislature has passed a new law making it illegal for any employer, educational institution or landlord operating within its borders to discriminate against any person on the basis of race, sex, age, religion, sexual orientation, physical disability, physical appearance, smell or the condition of being a complete and irredeemable fuckhead.

The bill is the payoff after years of lobbying by the American Society of Shit-Heels Obviously Lacking Equal Status. The group’s president Max Gluteus commented, "This is a great triumph for a bunch of jerks like us. Every other special interest group is getting plenty of equal protection under the law and truckloads of money in court settlements except us. We’ve been fired from jobs, turned down for dates, refused service in restaurants and cut out of wills, all just because we’re a little hard to get along with. Well, OK, we’re a lot hard to get along with, but only for about two-thirds of every day."

According to the law’s backers, people with repellent personalities can’t help their temperaments any more than they can help their sex or race. Gluteus reported plans to file a class-action suit on behalf of all the tuckwads, dickweeds, harridans, scolds, shrews and prize sons-of-bitches everywhere who have been cut out of the loop and prevented from having happy lives merely on the basis of their rotten attitudes, short fuses and big mouths.

Gluteus does not anticipate any problem in getting a lawyer to take the case. He went on to explain some of the new law’s ramifications: Think how many times you’ve heard someone described as ‘Not so good-looking, but with a really nice personality.’ Well, no longer — that’s offensive to us and is no more acceptable than calling someone ‘Not so good-looking, but really Protestant.’ And don’t go calling us ‘jerks’ any more either. From now on it’s ‘socially daunting’. Gluteus concluded by adding that he can’t wait to sue and get my old job back at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

New York Center Releases Alcohol Survey Results

The results of a five-year study by the New York-based National Center for Economic Impact Studies show that alcoholism represents a drain on the American economy of about $46.4 million every year. Center spokesperson Nero Weiss said that the expenses are mostly due to employee absenteeism, medical bills, counseling and treatment programs.

Los Angeles Center Releases Alcohol Survey Results

The results of a five-year study by the Los Angeles-based Federal Institute for Financial Effect Surveys show that alcoholism represents a boon to the American economy of approximately $46.41 million every year. Institute spokesperson Blanche Schwartz said that the profits mostly benefit temporary help agencies, hospitals and health care workers, substance abuse counselors and treatment centers.

Academy Announces New Ways You Could Be Killed that You Probably Haven’t Thought of Before – Neurotics Hail Publication of Report

The Academy for Indexing Endangerment in Everyday Existence has released its annual report. Topping the list of this year’s hitherto unsuspected, commonplace but fatal pitfalls is freshly-squeezed fruit juice. Academy spokesperson Rose Schussel clarified, We have a case on record of a man who bought a glass bottle of that freshly-squeezed non-pasteurized orange juice with a tightly sealed cap. You know how the pulp always settles to the bottom, so you have to shake it up before pouring? Well, this particular bottle had been left out of the refrigerator for too long and the orange juice in it had fermented. So when he shook it, massive amounts of carbon dioxide were released, the bottle exploded and a huge, jagged, razor-sharp projectile of glass sliced through his jugular vein at an estimated 475 mph, embedding itself in the wall behind him so deep that rescue workers were unable to pull it out, even with needlenose pliers. Hah!

Academy chairman Mort Todd added, Betcha never worried about that one before! Heh-heh.

World soil supply down to almost nothing

The next sections of the report are mostly devoted to amateurish OJ did it jokes. Most surprising, though, is the Academy’s revelation that the world’s soil supply has dwindled down to an amount insufficient to sustain viable agriculture.

Jacques Bruder, the researcher in charge of the case, explained, You know how when you buy fresh vegetables, there’s always a little bit of dirt on them that you have to wash off? Especially leeks? Well, it turns out that nobody was monitoring this, and we just found out that that ‘little bit of dirt’ on every vegetable in every food store in the world has been adding up over the years, and now there’s hardly any topsoil left anywhere. It’s all been washed down drains and ultimately dumped into the ocean. Illinois, for example, now has only three tablespoons of high-grade loam left. Can’t grow much alfalfa in that, can you? We figure that the last few grains of soil in the world will be on the shelf and then down the sewer by about 4:00 pm next Thursday, and then it’s no more agriculture, folks. So we’re all going to starve. Sorry about that — I guess somebody should have thought of this a little sooner.

New Olympic Sport Named

The International Olympic Committee announced on Thursday that a new event called the Centathlon will be included in the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. After the Biathlon (skiing, shooting), the Triathlon (cycling, swimming, running), the Pentathlon (discus tossing, shotput chucking, javelin heaving, hammer hurling, lunch launching) the Septathlon (name licensing, product endorsing, money earning, drug buying, arrest resisting, plea bargaining, time doing) and the Decathlon (jogging, running, dashing, sprinting, sweating, panting, faltering, falling, fainting, dying), the Centathlon is considered by many to be the ultimate sport. While Decathlon contestants are known as iron men, Centathlon contestants are known as iron men with a lot of spare time, if you ask us International Olympic Committee members.

Contestants compete in a rapid and uninterrupted succession of competitions of escalating difficulty. The events, or thlons as they are called, start with thumb wrestling, arm wrestling, leg wrestling, a walking race, a sack race, running, hurdling, high jumping, pole vaulting, cliff diving and getting shot from a cannon. The competition continues with a 500-mile unicycle race (No.27), a backwards three-legged marathon in flip-flops (No.58) and five-mile bungee jumping from an F-16 (No.82), finally culminating in No.100, the most grueling trial of all: each contestant smokes a joint and then has to talk to his mother on the phone. In case of a tie, the winner is decided by paper-rock-scissors (best two out of three).

Healthful Substance Found in Cigarettes – Rigget & Lyers Forced to Recall 1,000,000 Cartons

Trace amounts of retinol, or vitamin A, a substance that improves eyesight, skin quality and general health in humans, were found in several production lots of filter cigarettes at the Rigget & Lyers tobacco plant in Coughlin, North Carolina. The company immediately issued an apology and recalled more than 1,000,000 cartons that had already been delivered to its retail distribution chain. Only a few of the tainted cigarettes, which had been packaged under the brand names Stud and MountainAire, had actually reached the shelves.

A robot programmed to function as a spokesman for the tobacco industry because no humans are willing to stoop that low any more explained, Rigget & Lyers deeply regrets this tragic error and apologizes to its customers, who have every right to expect uniform quality — that is to say toxicity — in the tobacco products they buy. We sincerely hope that the consumers’ confidence has not been shaken by this regrettable incident. The situation is now under control and every conceivable measure is being taken to ensure that no beneficial substances of any kind ever again find their way into our products. Smokers across the country can breathe a sigh, possibly their last, of relief.

PETTTA Outraged By WHO’s Eradication of Polio Virus

The World Health Organization’s announcement that the polio virus has been eradicated in Southeast Asia immediately triggered cries of protest and outrage from the pan-species protection group People for the Ethical Treatment of Teensy Tiny Animals.

A spokesman for PETTTA said in a prepared statement to the press, All living beings have the inalienable right to life, whether they be human or animal, plant or fungus, visible to the naked eye or microscopic. Our group will defend to the death the right of every paramecium, nematode, amoeba, virus and spirochete to live out its full, natural lifespan, fulfilling the destiny that nature intended for it. The irresponsible, egomaniacal, specialist vaccination of the human populations of Southeast Asia against the poliomyelitis virus is tantamount to genocide, forcibly depriving this innocent microbe from pursuing its traditional lifestyle, namely infecting small children and permanently disabling the ones it doesn’t kill. Because we feel that all life is sacred and inviolable, and that to take any form of life is a heinous crime against nature that simply cannot go unpunished, we hereby announce that we will murder one research physician each day until the polio virus is re-released into the region in question. But not around here, for god’s sake.

A question and answer session with reporters followed this statement. Due to space limitations, we are unable to bring you a full transcript of the exchange, so we have decided to print only the PETTTA spokesperson’s answers:

Yes, we do eat. Of course we don’t eat any meat or dairy products, but we do consume plant products that can be harvested without harming, or pissing off, the plant. So no whole vegetables or ground grains. But nuts and berries are OK. Lettuce leaves that happen to have fallen off in the field. Some honey. Maple syrup if the sap is taken from a tree whose bark was already cut open by lightning or carpenter ants — that kind of thing.

No, we’re against all vaccinations and antibiotics. When we get a cold, the flu or a fungus infection, we just let it run its natural course. It’s the only ethical thing to do. Oh, we lose about 100 members a year to malnutrition and treatable diseases. But it’s OK — we’ve set up a special funeral fund.

Naturally, the members of our group have to adjust their lifestyles, and not just in terms of having their life and health insurance revoked. For example, we forbid lawn mowing because it hurts the grass. Also, we’re against house cleaning because it deprives cockroaches, mice and dust mites from thriving in their preferred habitat.

I’m glad you asked that question — we are indeed very active politically. For example, we have introduced bills in every state to ban sewage treatment, bathing, toothbrushing, doing laundry and washing dishes because it kills the bacteria that proliferate in bodily and food residues.

As a matter of fact, yes — we are all single. Why do you ask?

Yet Another Olympics to be Held in London

After the Olympic Games and the Paralympic Games, London will play host next month to the Not Very Special Olympics. Organized to showcase the everyday but frankly hard to believe skills of ordinary people, the games are open to anyone of any age and any nationality who feels that he or she has a particular aptitude in any of the events.

This year’s competitions include:

Washing contact lenses over an open drain with both taps running full blast

Repairing a ceramic plate using Super Glue without getting any on your fingers

Putting bags of snack food back into the cupboard until the next day after only three bites

Coming up with interesting, engaging topics of conversation when ordered by a loved one in a bad mood to Talk to me!

Remembering to get paper towels

Remembering which one is Peter and which one is Paul

Vividly remembering a fantastic dream, having a wild sexual adventure or hearing some earth-shattering bad news immediately after it happened and yet refraining from telling anyone about it

The Men’s Not-thinking-about-sex Marathon

The Women’s Not-thinking-about-their-personal-appearance Marathon

The CD Triathlon:

Event 1: The 50 wrap dash. Each contestant opens 50 brand new shrink-wrapped CDs. The first to finish without having recourse to any tools or profanity wins.

Event 2: The insert removal-replacement 4-minute time trial. Each contestant is given a standard CD with a thick, multi-page brochure stuffed under those little rounded tabs on the inside of the clear plastic cover. The winner is the one who can remove and replace the brochure the greatest number of times within four minutes without creasing, tearing or in any other way damaging the paper.

Event 3: The everyday use elimination trial. All entrants are given one standard CD. In unison, at the pace of one action per second, they open the case, remove the CD, replace the CD, reclose the case and repeat. Contestants are eliminated when they inadvertently snap off either of the two tabs that form the hinge or break any of those little flexible fingers that hold the disc in place. The last one to remain wins.

Entrants’ registration begins on January 25th at Olympic Village, London, and the Games will run through September 6th, 2012. The Opening Ceremony will take place on August 27th, featuring the traditional lighting of the gas water heater pilot light. A former NVSO champion will ignite the flame by lighting a blue-tip kitchen match under his thumbnail without burning himself. Or at least pretending not to have burned himself.

New Light Shed on Hendrix Death

New information has emerged concerning the circumstances surrounding the untimely death of rock legend Jimi Hendrix on September 18, 1970. The 27-year-old guitarist and singer, who was staying at the time in the London flat of a German girlfriend, Monika Dannemann, died in his sleep from choking on his own vomit.

It has been widely