Amusement Park

By Jack Forge

Humor and satire from the vain to the irreverently profane and beyond

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jack Forge
• Release date: Sep 24, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465825452

Jack Forge

Born John Stephen Rohde in Los Angeles, California, I focused my academic study on the liberal arts and I have striven to create worthy art most of my life.

Book preview

AMUSEMENT PARK

Humor and Satire

by

Jack Forge

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011 John Stephen Rohde

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment. It may not be re-sold or given to others. If you want to share this book, please buy a copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book but did not buy it, please go to Smashwords.com and buy a copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

Booths

Jokes

Newsflashes

Shorts

Verse

***

Jokes

I plug adhesion to the gag and the Untied Struts of Mercantile; to the repository for which it stands; one obsession, under gaga, indecipherable, with ribaldry and jests for all.

When young, I was so preoccupied with sex I could count to ten only as far as my dick.

You know you're unpopular when others hold a party in your honor, but you aren't invited.

I'm so unpopular the only event I get invited to is jury duty.

Some men buy their women 24-karat ear studs, but I've always been a one-Karat stud.

Do monks carry monkeys to unlock things?

Everyone is as good as everyone else and most are even worse.

When you invite a bunch of beautiful women to a sex fest but none of them comes, you come alone.

Share your things, because it's good for others, makes you feel better, and gets rid of a lot of junk you don't want.

Harness the hot air people exhaust, and we'll have enough energy to last a thousand years.

You know you're crazy when you think The Twilight Zone is a series of TV documentaries.

You realize you're getting fat when your knees haven't met in years.

A Democratic donkey is often a Republican elephant disguised as an ass.

When I was young, women challenged my brain; now that I'm older, they challenge my dick.

You know you're getting old when you have to defragment your brain as often as your computer.

You're aware of getting older when your hardware turns to software.

I used to think I was advanced for my age; now I know I'm simply at an advanced age.

I know I'm really old since the only mail I receive is from the Neptune Society.

Newsflashes

The richest people on Earth gathered on Sunday to protest the existence of the poorest.

Major beverage corporations of the world have issued a joint statement that the possession of potable water is no longer a right but a privilege.

In a noble intention to introduce humanity into criminal executions, the National Prison System instituted a policy of kill and revive as a punishment for lesser capital offenders.

The President of the United States of America recently decreed that all visitors to the White House shall kneel at his desk and kiss his hand in a show of respect. He had wanted them to kiss his ass, but his Chief of Staff advised him that, even though many people would fall all over themselves to do so, such an act could be considered slightly queer.

When confronted with the crisis that could occur because of the coming oil shortage, an Energy Consortium spokesperson offered a new solution. Speaking to a gathering of executives from various corporations that use finite energy sources as if they were the very air we breathe, Harold Suerman said that nearly unlimited energy can be obtained from a home grown resource--obese people. By means of constant liposuction, millions of liters of high-octane fat can be extracted for fuel. Given the human proclivity for corpulence and judging by all the chubby children, we should have no concerns about energy for homes, factories, and vehicles for centuries to come.

To guarantee a robust economy, the U.S. Senate today passed a law that makes personal consumption mandatory. By a huge majority, the lawmakers pushed the bill through congress in time for the holiday season. The president was eager to sign the bill. Members from both sides of the nation's dual political party joined the chief executive and his top counterparts in big business in admonishing every man, woman, and child to do his or her duty in acquiring things, any things as long as they cost money. Buying is patriotic, they said. Besides, it's going to be the law. Spend or go to jail. With that, they shook hands all around, cheered for capitalism, and then broke for long vacations to luxury locales around the world.

In a bold move to end crime and simultaneously boost the economy, national, state, county, and city governments are pressing police to make more arrests. With more prisoners laboring for corporations, two of the main bugaboos of society can be significantly reduced--crime and unemployment. When challenged by a few independent journalists that such action amounts to slavery or indenturism at least, government officials asserted that the safety and prosperity of respectable citizens with fame and fortune far outweighed the value of ordinary human rights for the undesirable masses.

To accommodate the ever-increasing size of automobiles on the national roadways, the U.S. Department of Transportation instituted a revolutionary program of road widening. The government is giving notice to people with ordinary homes and small businesses to vacate their premises so the project can progress. If the widening threatens structures of the well-to-do, however, streets and highways will be diverted around them. The prospect of even larger vehicles does not concern the department. As the Secretary stated, If we have to make our paved pathways as broad as a Wal-Mart parking lot we will do so. According to inside sources, the attitude of the government agency seems to be that every licensed citizen should be able to travel thoroughfares whether operating a motorcycle, land yacht, or a tank the size of Rhode Island.

An emergency room physician, treating a woman for injuries from an automobile accident, was struck by the site of a cellular telephone attached to the side of her head. Upon close examination, the doctor discovered the tissue of the woman's ear had actually grown around the device, making it a new and rather grotesque artificial feature. When he offered to refer her to a plastic surgeon for its removal, the woman said she could not do that for fear of missing a call. After the medics patched her up, she left the hospital, chatting all the way out of room, down the hall, through the exit, and into the night.

Scientists at Tall tower University announced the invention of an artificial fish. People in the fishing industry have complained of loss of jobs and income due to depletion of fish populations. The slaughtering of finned creatures for food has wiped out