Eternal Joy: Volume II — Engagement and Marriage

By Sichos In English

In the annals of Jewish history, no one individual has been turned to for advice on so many matters great and small and by so diverse a populace, as has the Lubavitcher Rebbe. The more crucial the issue, the more people felt the need to garner wisdom, counsel and blessing from that one individual who loved each and every Jew with every fiber of his being, unconditionally.

It should therefore come as no surprise that with regard to so critical an issue as finding one’s mate, finding a shidduch, there is a plethora of responses from the Rebbe, offering guidance and instruction to people who turned to him during this crucial period in their lives, or in the lives of their loved ones.

By means of his voluminous correspondence, his answers through his secretariat, and public pronouncements during farbrengens — chassidic gatherings — and the like, the Rebbe addressed with fatherly love and scholarly wisdom a vast range of human concerns relating to shidduchim.

Eternal Joy assembles these warm and thought-provoking pearls of the Rebbe’s wisdom in one book. The Rebbe’s approach to successfully building “a faithful edifice in Israel,” a marriage of “eternal joy,” is now accessible to all.

Some Thoughts on Marriage
The “Vort” or “LeChayim” — Celebrating the Engagement
Gifts to Kallah and Chassan — What to Give and What Not to Give
The Date, Timing and Location of the Wedding
Comportment of Chassan and Kallah During Time of Engagement
Preparations of Chassan and Kallah for Marriage
Preparations of the Chassan for Marriage
Preparations of the Kallah for Marriage
Preparations of Parents for Their Children’s Marriage
Should Problems Arise After the Engagement
Wedding Preparations
The Week of the Wedding
The Wedding Day
The Kabbalas Panim and Chuppah
The Wedding Celebration

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sichos In English
• Release date: Sep 15, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466129856

Book preview

Eternal Joy — Volume II — Engagement and Marriage

A Guide to Shidduchim and Marriage

Based on the Teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe,

Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson

by Rabbi Sholom B. Wineberg

Published by Sichos In English

Eternal Joy — Volume II — Engagement and Marriage

Published by Sichos In English at Smashwords

Copyright 2000 Sichos In English

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ISBN 978-1-4661-2985-6

Chapter 1: Foreword

B"H

With heartfelt gratitude to G-d, we hereby present the second volume of Eternal Joy, A Guide To Shidduchim & Marriage, based on the Rebbe’s teachings. The present volume encompasses the Rebbe’s directives and advice concerning matters from the time of engagement through the wedding day.

The Rebbe has spoken about the issues of engagement and marriage at numerous farbrengens and has responded to the questions asked of him by many hundreds of individuals in his Igros Kodesh, as well as in personal responses during Yechidus and through his secretariat.

Through the study of these sources, it is possible to gain understanding of and valuable insight into the fundamental elements of the Rebbe’s approach to engagement and marriage.

In addition, the Rebbe transmitted to us numerous customs of the Rebbeim concerning engagement and particularly marriage, customs that are of vital importance to our lives and in affirming our connection to the Rebbe.

As the Rebbe writes:

"The customs that relate to a wedding in particular are relevant to everyone, for in a marriage the infinite power of the Ein Sof is revealed. This is drawn down by the leader of the generation. Therefore it is appropriate to follow the customs of the Rebbeim."¹

In this volume, as in the first, we have collected² and translated selections from a variety of the Rebbe’s letters, sichos, and personal responses regarding the period of engagement to wedding.

It is worth reiterating that there are a number of difficulties with such a collection.

Firstly, the collection and translation are our own; this is not a guide to the time of engagement and marriage authored or edited by the Rebbe.

Secondly, it is not all-encompassing. There is considerably more material from the Rebbe on these subjects than that which has been collected here.

And finally, while the customs and public directives are relevant to everyone, it is entirely possible that the personal advice the Rebbe gave one individual may be inappropriate for another. Moreover, some of the responses to individuals are not necessarily the Rebbe’s final word on the matter.

In an attempt to try to resolve this latter difficulty we have quoted a wide array of letters and sichos, even though some may appear different from others. The dates or sources cited may be of benefit in discerning the Rebbe’s later responses. So, too, by noting that numerous answers are in the same vein, we have an indication of the Rebbe’s general approach to a specific issue.

Nevertheless, it must be borne in mind that the Rebbe’s answer to one individual does not necessarily apply at all to another, as the Rebbe has pointed out on a number of occasions. To quote but two:

"I have already expressed — and have done so numerous times: My answer to one individual does not constitute a directive — it doesn’t even constitute a response — to a second individual."³

On another occasion the Rebbe writes:

"It is patently obvious that a directive to an individual does not serve at all as a directive to the multitude, even when the issues are the same. Particularly so, when this is written as a private letter to him.

"For most often this depends on the conditions of the life of that individual, his personality and temperament, the possibilities that exist for him concerning that which he wrote [to me about] in his letter, and more, and more [reasons, not enumerated here]."⁴

In instances of doubt, one would therefore do well to remember the Rebbe’s exhortation to "ask one’s mashpia or rav...." We are then assured that not only will the Rebbe’s holy blessings accompany every chassan and kallah, but his instructions on these matters will be followed as well.

May the marriages that are currently taking place, and are soon to take place, herald and hasten the coming of the ultimate marriage celebration, the marriage and union of G-d and His people.

As the Rebbe states: The marriage of every couple ... is connected to the ultimate marriage between G-d and the Jewish people that will be consummated in the Era of Redemption.⁵

And at that time, we will again meet with the Rebbe on this earthly plane, and he shall redeem us.⁶

Sholom B. Wineberg

Overland Park, Kansas

Rosh Chodesh Sivan, 5760

Jubilee Year of the Leadership of the Lubavitcher Rebbe

Chapter 2: Some Thoughts on Marriage

Life’s Most Important Event

Marriage is the most important event in the life of a man or woman.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. IV, p. 272)

Perfect Union

... Marriage is not only the beginning of a partnership but the beginning of a union, where both parties truly become one, united for life.

(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 8 Tishrei, 5722)

True Union

The essential quality and substance of a proper marriage is cleaving to one’s wife and becoming one flesh,⁷ which is to say, that one is in a constant state of acquisition and cleaving — rebuffing anything and everything that leads to and causes the cessation of this cleaving and unity.

(Likkutei Sichos, Vol. XXXIV, p. 138)

The Greatest Joy

Marriage is the greatest degree of joy that human beings can find in their lives.

(Sichos Kodesh 5714, p. 245)

An Emotion That Increases

Love is an emotion that increases in strength throughout one’s life. It is sharing and caring, and respecting each other. It is building a life together, a unit of family and home.

The love that you feel as a young bride is only the beginning of real love. It is through the small, everyday acts of living together that love flourishes and grows. And so, the love you feel after five or ten years is a gradual strengthening of bonds.

As two lives unite to form one, with time, one reaches a point where each partner can no longer visualize life without his mate by his side.

(From a private Yechidus)

Establishing the Ground Rules

The Creator, in His infinite kindness, has revealed and given to us certain directives and precepts concerning the establishment of a close relationship between two persons, especially between spouses, which clearly is one of the most important aspects of human life — especially in the view of our Torah.

The purpose of these directives and precepts is, on the one hand, to ensure the conditions under which the couple will be blessed with an abundance of blessings, and on the other, to guide them and protect them from undesirable acts and consequences.

(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 5732)

The Foundation

Mazal Tov! May the edifice [of the forthcoming marriage] be an eternal edifice, [based] on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos. May your lives indeed be happy and fortunate in all aspects.

(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe to an engaged couple)

The Foundation — Tried and Tested

I extend my heartfelt wishes to you that your wedding take place in a fortunate and good hour and with mazal tov. May you construct a Jewish edifice on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

Understandably, it need not be emphasized that on a deeper level marriage means that chassan and kallah jointly embark on constructing a life — a most joyous life — and an edifice that endures for many, many long and happy years.

It is self-understood that it is of primary and crucial import that the foundation of an edifice be constructed of the most durable material possible, material that is able to withstand the changes and havoc that can be wrought by changes of temperature and moisture, by an earthquake, and so on.

The same holds true when chassan and kallah embark on building a life together [and lay the foundations for that life]. This joint life is to be founded on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos, the strongest materials in existence.

These materials have withstood the test of time, overcoming a multitude of obstacles during the passage of the approximately three and a half thousand years since G-d gave us His Torah and mitzvos.

These, then, are the vessels through which a couple receives G-d’s blessings for a truly joyous life. May G-d bless you — as previously stated — with a mazal tov and [with the ability to construct] an everlasting edifice on the foundations of Torah and mitzvos.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VI, p. 194)

The Jewish Home

G-d demands that the Jewish home — every Jewish home — be quite different from a non-Jewish home, not only on Shabbos and Yom Tov but also on ordinary weekdays, as well as in regard to weekday [i.e., mundane] matters. It must be a Jewish home in every respect.

What makes a Jewish household different from a non-Jewish household is that it is conducted in all its details according to the directives of the Torah, which is known as Toras Chayim — a Jew’s Divine guide in his or her daily life.

Hence, the home becomes an abode for G-d’s Presence, a home for G-dliness, concerning which G-d says: Make Me a Sanctuary, and I shall dwell among them.⁸

It is a home where G-d’s Presence is felt not only on Shabbos and Yom Tov, but every day of the week; not only when its occupants are engaged in prayer and Torah study, but also when they are engaged in very ordinary things, [e.g.,] eating and drinking, etc. For all their actions are performed in accordance with the directive, Know Him in all your ways.⁹

It is a home where mealtime is not a time for indulging in ordinary and natural eating habits, but a hallowed service to G-d, where the table is an altar to G-d, sanctified by [ritually] washing one’s hands before a meal, reciting the blessings over food, and reciting Grace After the Meal. Moreover, every item of food and beverage brought into the home is strictly kosher.

It is a home where the mutual relationship between husband and wife is sanctified by the meticulous observance of the laws and regulations of Taharas HaMishpachah, permeated with awareness of the active third Partner — G-d — in creating new life, in fulfillment of the Divine commandment: Be fruitful and multiply.¹⁰

This also ensures that Jewish children are born in purity and holiness, with pure hearts and minds that enable them to resist temptation and, when they grow up, avoid the pitfalls of their surrounding environment.

Moreover, the strict observance of Taharas HaMishpachah is a basic factor in the preservation of peace and harmony (shalom bayis) in the home, which is vitally strengthened and fortified thereby — obviously, a critical factor in the preservation of the family as a unit.

It is a home where parents know that their first obligation is to instill into their offspring from their most tender age on, love of G-d and also awe of G-d, a home wherein parents infuse their offspring with the joy of performing mitzvos.

With all their desire to provide their children with all the good things in life, the Jewish parent knows that the greatest, indeed, the only real and eternal legacy they can bequeath to their children, is to make the Torah and mitzvos and Jewish traditions their life source and polestar in daily life.

(From a letter of the Rebbe, dated 18 Elul, 5735)

Chapter 3: The Vort or LeChayim — Celebrating the Engagement

Currently, the prevailing custom among Anash is to celebrate the engagement of chassan and kallah with a celebration known as a Vort — giving one’s word — or a LeChayim.

In the course of this celebration, non-written assurances are received — primarily in the form of a kabbalas kinyan — from the parties, in which they pledge to go through with the marriage.

The more formal written agreement regarding the marriage and the conditions attached thereto, known as the Tena’im, or Conditions, are formalized on the day of the wedding itself.

Quite often, the Rebbe would issue the following blessing in honor of the Vort:¹¹ "May it be in a good and auspicious hour. Mazal Tov. Azkir al haTziyun."

The Rebbe would urge that the Vort be celebrated with the recitation of a maamar, a Chassidic discourse, preferably by the chassan himself, if not by others.

Additionally, during the Vort, an earthenware plate is broken [generally by the mothers of chassan and kallah], and a Chassidic farbrengen is conducted.

The Rebbe very much favored¹² that the Vort be celebrated in a modest and non-ostentatious manner.¹³

The Rebbe was also quite emphatic that the engagement period not be termed "eirusin, betrothal."

Tena’im or Kinyan

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