"52 Weeks Of Mayhem"

By The Mistress Of Mayhem

Is this fact or fiction? You be the judge but, I can place a sure bet you will laugh. I named this book “52 Weeks Of Mayhem” only because things do happen in my world, I can walk out the door or walk in a door and something always happens. Since the crap around me seems to be non-stop, or someone around me always in trouble (usually myself). Between things I have dealt with, which was/is mostly stupidity on my own part, along with my family, friends, and things that just happen. Wrong place wrong time, right place, right time, it didn’t matter, Bingo, here we go again, to hell in a hand basket, and I can guarantee I have a “Time Share” there!! Many people that are in this book are the ones that inspired me to write and let it loose.

All the names in this book have NOT been changed because I say it the way it is. If you think the story sounds similar and you think it’s about you. IT JUST MAY BE!!

I hope you enjoy “52 Weeks Of Mayhem” and Spread The Word On The Madness.
xoxox The Mistress

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 3, 2013
• ISBN: 9781626758544

Book preview

9781626758544

** Chapter 1 ~ Egging In Queens **

Ahhhhh, my grandmother (rest her soul) lived in Astoria Queens, my brother and I loved to protest going there until we discovered we could get away with so much more there. It was always easy to say we were gonna walk around the block which was pretty safe, since Grandma knew everyone and they knew us through pictures! Steinway St (major shopping) is a 3 or 4 block walk away and the candy shop was up the street. Who had it better than us? My Gram was a very out going person, she was kind and generous to everyone, when she made pizza half the neighborhood was fed and so on. Sometimes we would sit on top of the stairs and listen in to grown up conversations, this one time we overheard my grandmother saying she had an argument with Chicken Feet (she walked with her feet pointing out) down the block, she was going on how she wasn’t nice to her, and she is burning a candle to ease the wretch’s soul!!

I DEA!! (Don’t you love when ideas pop up?)

We figure we go scope out Chicken Feet’s house, we know who she is and we know where she lives! So we say to Moms and Pops were going to go for a walk and they give us the ok, I mean we’re at Gram’s, she knows everyone how could we get into trouble.

It’s just about 5:00 p.m. the church bells are ringing, this is perfect time since half of Astoria will be at church. I go down first get my jacket on, then my brother comes down gets his jacket on and states: He has to go to the bathroom, and runs up the stairs. I’m pissin off because I just want to go on a mission while every ones in church. Moments later he comes down and we go for our walk.

My brother is grinning so I asked why he has that stupid look on his face and he pulls out eggs (I figured we’d just pull out her flowers which is why she is mad at Gram. Gram picked a few for the table without asking her good friend)!!

Now we’re going to teach The B (we weren’t allowed to say that one) a lesson on not to mess with our Gram. So we walk, we look around, no one around, Bam, Bam, Bam, our launching skills are accurate, one, two, three, three gooey eggs.

We won’t discuss the fourth that made a glass smashing sound, and we weren’t staying to find out either. We flew around the corner, went up the other block and off to the candy store to get our goodies so we can go back to Gram’s. Back in the house all is well (we actually got away with it) and so the church bells are ringing again its 6:00 p.m. Mom takes out fruit, cookies, cake and Gram starts making coffee.

Gram goes to the upstairs frig to get the extra milk. Me and my brother are crapping bricks, this is it, were caught and in trouble!! Thank God Gram didn’t notice the missing eggs!

Were off the hook still to this day, well unless if Moms or Pops reads this!!

** Chapter 2 ~ Hospital To Hell **

For our 1 yr Anniversary my X boyfriend Tommy decides to take me away to Fort Lauderdale! And the tale begins on a Fri night. We get to our art deco hotel which was pretty nice, the room was spacious, bathroom in good order (shower massager LOL) eat in kitchen with frig, stove and microwave. Now the past few days before I was having a little stomach trouble and I was bloated beyond bloated! My dresses were tight around my belly and no matter what I ate or drank seemed to make it worse.

Saturday, 80 degrees and sunny, we had an old friend Barry come visit us for drinks! As you know people just don’t know how to keep out of others business. I had a woman at first staring at me giving me dirty looks then finally asked me why I was drinking while I was pregnant. This infuriated me to no end. I put my arm around her neck and I told her flat out New York Style: I aint pregnant I’m FAT and now that you butted into my business, your gonna hear all my business! She ran for the hills, and everyone around us is laughing! Now we have a great spot at the bar with cool fire department guys from all over the USA but the Incredibly Slow Ass Bartenders That Were Serving Super Expensive Watered Down Drinks Were On Our Nerves (thank God we had 151 in a flask to sharpen up those Pina Colada’s).

A while later Barry left for his hot date, we napped, showered and went to go to eat. As we are walking the strip I’m having a little trouble breathing (hmm, probably slight asthma kicking in, it is humid, no big deal). But after dinner, which I barely touched, the walk back seemed to be longer than ever. My stomach was in knots, I wasn’t sure if I was gonna toss my guts, and wham-o the pain starts to set in! Tommy is worried that I can’t make it back and I refuse to cab it, saying its only gas, a cup of hot tea, some gas relief pills, I will be ok.

Finally back at the room, I’m laying down I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do. I get up from a weird position I was in and I hit the floor my guy turns white. He calls the front desk for an ambulance! In the elevator people are getting out of the way thinking I’m about to give birth, this fire fighter from New Orleans that we shared shots with the night before offers to help and he says while getting me in the cab gallbladder, make them check your gallbladder.

The cab driver is weaving in and out of traffic, I’m sliding all over the back seat which is making the pain worse. Once at the hospital they take their sweet ass time going over my paper work, over an hour and a half later I’m finally in the emergency room. This fat ass with a dumb look on her face grabs my hand to stick me with an i.v for blood work and pain meds. I’m telling her she can’t go through my hand it has to go through my arm. She isn’t listening to me and I’m getting mad as all hell.

Not one try three friggin tries. On the fourth try blood is squirting from my hand it looks like a B rated slasher movie, my white gown is a hot mess with blood splatter. I sit up yell at her: to get her fucking dumb ass away from me before I CORN HOLE her!

Finally they send in another nurse she wraps my arm wham i.v. in and 2 seconds later they dope me with Demerol! I look at Tommy and say Hi Honey I’m High and tell him he can go back to the hotel!! So he talks with the nurses and gets the ok to leave me! As I rest very comfortably high as a kite! They poke, prod and get some blood work done.

Results: I have a serious infection running through my body. They give me antibiotics and now its sonogram time, where we discover that my gallbladder is cover in many stones and they are large! Next a doctor comes in to talk to me and he wants to do surgery right there. I’m high as a kite and you want me to agree to do surgery. I’ll take my chances and wait till I get back to New York. I refuse and go back to sleep.

I got woken up from what seemed seconds later to the CORN HOLE nurse trying to stick me again, which left me screaming: There is no way in all fucking holy hell your touching me, showing her my black and blue hand on both sides, and down a quarter of my arm. She then tells the head nurse I’m difficult!

Tommy comes back and we get me the hell out of there to enjoy the rest of our 1 yr anniversary get away.

** Chapter 3 ~ The Pool Party **

The neighbors that lived in back of us were something to be desired, the Mom and Dad with the smug looks. And then the wonderful kids, one out four was a doll and in closer age with my sister. The sister that was closer to my