Episode 325 – I used to drink at people when I was upset and those were bad nights.  I believed alcohol calmed me down and got me out of the anger.    Gillian took her last drink on November 9, 2019.  She is from Boston and loves playing video games.   This is her journey of living alcohol free (AF).   https://www.getgruvi.com/  discount code:  recoveryelevator   Finding Your Better You – Odette’s weekly message.   Odette has been thinking about death.  She has anxiety about dying.  She read a chapter in the Untethered Soul.  The author, Michael A. Singer said having an active relationship with death is healthy.   “It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of life turns out to be death.  No  person or situation could teach as much as death has to teach you.  While someone could tell you, you are not your body, death shows you.  While someone could remind you of the insignificance of the things that you cling to, death takes them away in a second. Death makes us all the same.”  Keeping death at the forefront of our mind helps us stay in the moment.  We can stop focusing on the future or dwelling on the past and appreciate every moment.    Full presence with her children gives Odette great joy.  In the moment, Odette is learning to appreciate what she has.  She knows we can avoid thinking about death, but it’s inevitable.    When we choose sobriety, we remove a huge block that prevents us from being in the moment.  Odette still has other blocks, yet she is motivated to stay sober by those moments when she can understand what being fully present is.  The more time she spends away from alcohol, the more presence is available to her.  Value what you have, honor where you are and be grateful!   [10:25]  Odette introduces Gillian   Gillian took her last drink on November 9, 2019.  She lives in Boston,  she is a biochemist and for fun she reads, plays video games and hangs out with her husband and kitty.    [11:29] Tell us about your history with drinking?   Gillian started drinking at age 22.  She was a late comer to drinking.  She had a glass of wine at 18 and had such intense shame about drinking.  She drank more in grad school and started with Bud Lite, and her drinking quickly escalated.  She was frequently sick and within a year she was a daily drinker.  Her tolerance doubled.  She tried to moderate for five years.  Eventually, she realized moderation would not work.   [13:27]   Tell me more about the shame your experienced with your first drink?   Gillian is a rule follower.  She had trouble liking who she was.  She didn’t like or accept her body.  At 18 she was feeling shame about food she ate.  It was a difficult time in her life.    [14:39] Tell me more about your moderation attempts.   Before Gillian was a scientist, she was a teacher and she used alcohol as her fuel.  She learned that when you drink, the stress goes away, and you feel better.  She switched to Vodka and made cosmos daily.  She knew she was drinking too much.  She used a rubber band for the number of drinks, had her husband pour drinks, she bought strong wine, bought weak wine.  She ended several friendships because she thought she was drinking too much with them.  In her journal her goal was to limit to 25 drinks a week.  She abandoned that quickly.    [17:18] Why were you so firm on making moderation work?   Gillian said she couldn’t imagine a life without alcohol.  She thought it would be the death of fun.  All her friends drank. It was fundamental to her socializing.  She continued to try moderation.  She went to a therapist and was told she wasn’t an alcoholic.   [18:58] Did your husband know you were struggling?   Gillian said she talked with her husband a lot about her moderation attempts.  He knew they were well thought out.  He loved her and wanted to support her but felt uncomfortable saying she should quit.    [20:48] How is your relationship now that you have been sober for over a year?   Gillian said her relationshi