Caoimhín Did WHAT!?: Tales From Archeleon's Willow

By Kouta

Caoimhín (Quee-vin) is a… well, his antics have finally gone a step too far as we join him at the beginning of his exile. After years of being a somewhat harmless but lovable mischief-maker, Topltown finally had enough and sent the uncoordinated, clumsy Irishman off-world to Obsidian; a hellscape of zombies, dinosaurs, and… puppets? Join Caoimhín as he figures out how to live this new life with Bucket-- the littlest goblin, Ragnarök-- his steadfast mount, and who knows what else! Especially when it comes to one of the twelve worlds of Apocolypse.
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Rated M! This book deals with some swearing, mild gore, and lots of murder.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 9, 2024
• ISBN: 9781304480477

Book preview

Caoimhín Did WHAT!?

Written by Kouta

Copyright © 2017

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-304-48047-7

CONTENTS

The Tale of Archeleon and their WIllow

Once flourishing with life and prosperity, an Earth, the size of Jupiter, fell into war and ruin after a battle between cosmic beings obliterated the balance between good and evil. A blast destroyed the duplicated and re-shaped Milky Way galaxy, nearly eliminating all possible life. But Eracort, creator of the universe, was barely able to save what mattered. Saddened by losing the galaxy based on their home dimension, Eracort cried out the Ocean of Forever Reaching Waves, a cosmic sea that stretched from one end of the ever-expanding universe to the other with an endless bottom.

Eracort punished those who destroyed their work, relishing their infinite pain and suffering but feeling empty nonetheless. After eons of torture, old friends came to give Eracort their support. After many condolences and a fantastic reunion, Eracort found themself struck with inspiration; and decided to remake the galaxy yet again, this time with far more amusing twists.

After a brief explanation, one of Eracort’s allies spoke up, hoping they’d be able to take on the burden of protecting this new galaxy. Eracort was pleased with and accepted the request; in return, they offered Archeleon the Ocean of Forever Reaching Waves to be the entity’s new home. The sea-like phenomenon had unlimited energy to keep Archeleon alive for many, many eons. 

As Archeleon took to the limitless ocean, Eracort used their power to make a willow tree sprout from the turtle’s shell. I can’t say how long this took, but when Eracort was done, a willow tree of galactic proportions grew from Archeleon’s back. Archeleon’s shell grew as wide as your Milky Way Galaxy; the tree stood taller than anyone could measure. The colorful leaves were filled with stars, suns, and moons; hemispherical worlds grew from the tree on vines, along branches, and even from flowers. Eracort filled the tree with many forms of sentient life once more, then ‘disappeared,’ excited to see what stories come from their newest creation. Their friend, the cosmic entity of protection, Archeleon, happily guarding the willow tree.

Chapter 1

That Fecker, Caoimhín!

Trouble comes in all shapes and sizes, especially in the willow tree, and though it’s not good, it’s not necessarily bad. Mischief can be amusing from time to time, even cute or heartwarming. That being said, some people take it too far, and while it’s not meant to be destructive, things can get out of hand. Guilty! Here’s an example of one of those people during one of those times.

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! There’s no need even to continue this sham of a trial! Judge Bláthnaid(Blaw-Nid) says the accused is guilty beyond all possible belief; end of proceedings! The punishment is exile! We start this story on Ireworld, a massive hemisphere big enough to hold four copies of Earth the Sequel. Ireland is a part of this world, but we start in a war-elf village towards the east, along the coast of a massive continent. Once a beautiful place, Topltown lived up to its name in a way and was now in ruin. The person at fault stood in the center of what used to be a courtroom before the judge and hundreds of angry witnesses, victims, and people who simply knew who he was. When Bláthnaid decreed her judgment, everybody cheered with furious joy.

Except, of course, the accused. That seems a bit harsh. Everyone stopped and stared incredulously at the accused. It’s not like Caoimhín(Quee-vin) MEANT for things to get a hair out of hand. The speaker was Caoimhín, Ireworld’s most notorious trickster.

Ireworld natives spoke in third person, and while Caoimhín is no exception to that rule, that’s the only one. Everything else wasn’t nearly as clear-cut. In this town of war-elves, Caoimhín was the only human; he washed ashore many years ago and was taken in by the village. They often took turns deciding who would watch the baby until he got old enough to be kicked onto the street, about ten. The pasty-white, green-eyed, red-haired lad was now a thirty-year-old man of average height and build who celebrated his birthday by setting off a domino effect that ruined almost everything.

You destroyed our village! Someone shouted from the crowd.

A necessary remodeling.

Another elf chimed in, You nearly killed the whole livestock!

Ye were gonna kill ‘em soon anyway! Caoimhín was just speeding up the bus route.

Someone growled, You paralyzed the elderly! He was almost bursting with rage.

Only the ones who could walk! Caoimhín defended himself poorly from his position on the floor. Chained wrists and ankles, the man wore only a striped prisoner jumpsuit. And it was only from the waist down—now they don’t have to work. Win-win! The crowd began jeering at Caoimhín’s terrible perspective.

Does Caoimhín even hear himself!? Bláthnaid shouted the question, not even sure she wanted the answer. Does Caoimhín even care that there’s not a single building left standing after-! Bláthnaid clapped a hand over her mouth before speaking about his crimes so bluntly. She took a breath before continuing. Caoimhín will be sent to Obsidian and cursed to stay there for the rest of his natural, and hopefully short, life! Another round of applause for the judge’s decision.

It wasn’t long before several robed individuals carrying bejeweled staffs circled Caoimhín with an intimidating chant. Is it too soon or late for Caoimhín to ask for a retrial? The Irishman queried.

Yes! Bláthnaid screamed in response, Now send him away!

With a final Hua! The elves slammed their staffs against the ground, drawing out a magic circle that became a portal beneath Caoimhín.

Begone! Bláthnaid shouted, And never return! For there is no redemption powerful enough to overturn the judgment cast upon you today! Begone, and be in pain! With a final hit of the judge’s gavel, the criminal was yanked through the portal and off Ireworld with a scream, never to see his home again.

Caoimhín shot from a hole in space into a harsh landscape with a sky full of dark clouds. Magic had eaten away his bindings and clothes, leaving him naked, without tools, and open to the elements. After standing up, he looked around to see rough, flat ground for miles without a hint of flora or even a trace of loose gravel, with veins of lava trailing everywhere like fallen spider webs.

The exiled Irishman stood up, coughing a bit from the smoke and ash in the air. Well, jokes on them! Caoimhín said, refusing to be defeated. Caoimhín wouldn’t want to lug clothes around here anyway! There were several scrapes along the left side of his body from when he fell; his positive attitude couldn’t stop the bleeding. Full of false confidence and ignorant as always, he began walking forward haphazardly. Once Caoimhín gets his bearings, it's over for you feckers!

To his immediate left was a group of over a dozen armed goblins; they had come out of a few burrows in the ground and spotted Caoimhín right when he spotted them. While most were clad in ragged bronze and leather-based protection, one had a full set of bronze and iron armor. Caoimhín held eye contact with the closest one for several moments before turning his back to them and booking it as fast as he could.

After a disturbing scream from their leader, they gave chase. Caoimhín thought goblins evolved past this! Another weird growl made Caoimhín double-check his pursuers. They weren’t ordinary goblins; they were undead.

Even with their organs showing and half-decomposed bodies, the goblins were gaining on Caoimhín, even jumping over the rivers of red death spreading through the area. Ok, things aren’t looking great! He finally admitted. Maybe Caoimhín should have been more careful. A few powerful grunts made Caoimhín turn to see a goblin lobbing his ax. KHAA!

Caoimhín barely dodged, only to trip; he ducked onto his scarred side, rolling over a few times. Using his undamaged hand, Caoimhín stopped before finding himself in a thick stream of lava. He backed away quickly, Nope- no! Caoimhín would rather down a bowl of soup! Then winced at his words. Well, no, actually. Given a choice, he’d take the plunge before sipping any soup.

The gnashing teeth and grotesque noises of the zombies reminded Caoimhín of his position. He turned around as one lunged with his spear, ready to pierce Caoimhín’s torso. What about you? Caoimhín pushed himself back and pulled in his legs, barely dodging the spear, and it stabbed into the ground. How do you like lava? Caoimhín kicked the zombie head-first into the burning liquid.

The screams died short, and Caoimhín smiled, So you don’t like it either? Caoimhín rolled out of another goblin’s way before it hit him with a club. Guess we aren’t so different after all! Caoimhín grabbed the spear when he dodged the attack and stabbed it through the goblin’s throat; holding the end tight in his left hand, Caoimhín hit the middle of the handle with his right palm to bring the blade up and split the foe’s head in two. Caoimhín’s been known for giving splitting headaches!

Caoimhín picked up the club and turned to the remaining ten zombie goblins. Armed, naked, but not afraid, Caoimhín smiled at the now panicked enemies without a hint of malice but glowing with joy. All right, who’s next?

Caoimhín’s cocky attitude nearly cost what made him a bio-male as a small but swift goblin rushed forward with a sword to cut him in two. Caoimhín jumped backward over the lava stream. Watch the jewels, fecker! The goblin lunged at the Irishman but realized the mistake a moment too late. Caoimhín brought the club down on the undead’s head and sent it into the lava below.

Seven left! Caoimhín announced with a miscount, he realized his mistake a moment after. Wait- One, two, three- KHAA! Before he could finish counting, two goblins had already jumped over the stream to attack with a pair of daggers each. Caoimhín wasn’t finished! Caoimhín fled the goblins currently on his tail while the rest worked to catch up.

Caoimhín was already in bad condition when he got here and didn’t have a chance to rest, eat, or find shelter. Can we call it here for now? He asked, Caoimhín hasn’t even- KHAA! The dagger-goblins’ speed was incredible, they caught up to him faster than he hoped.

They went to attack simultaneously; Caoimhín blocked while stabbing the spear he stole into the ground for extra support. As the small foes tried their secondaries, Caoimhín blocked the left goblin’s dagger with his club and kicked the one on his right in the face before the blade could reach the skin.

Caoimhín said stop it! He raised the club with both hands and brought it down with enough force to crush the closer dagger goblin. Before the partner could get up, Caoimhín grabbed the spear and stabbed it through the downed goblin’s head several times. Are those brains scrambled enough? He spat as the zombie stayed down. Caoimhín looked over to the axe-wielder, followed by one with a sword as they tried surrounding him; Don’t ye fecking feckers have any-fecking-thing better to fecking do!? He yelled before running as fast as his injured legs could carry him. Ok, Caoimhín should calm down with the fecks; he’s overusing it— He grumbled this fruition before sliding to a stop.

A third goblin had circled around and blocked off his escape; she was wielding a thick iron shield bigger than her torso and had an odd vertical scar under her right nostril leading to her mouth. Can’t you be a bit slower with a shield that large? Caoimhín stated with a soft glare. She just shook her head and started running at him.

A rumble prevented the skirmish from continuing. Oh, that doesn’t sound too good, Caoimhín pointed out before studying the ground. It got so crazy even the goblins were changing tactics for protection. Uh-hehehe, truce? Caoimhín offered with a nervous smile.

After exchanging some confused looks, the goblins agreed with little hesitation. Everyone stood back-to-back to watch for whatever was coming. So, any ideas what that is? The goblin replied with a grunt sounding something like ‘I dunno’. Oh, great. Caoimhín loves surprises. From beneath the crust burst lava full of black and deep red maggots the size of children; as they landed, their mouths opened to screech hysterically, spewing lava like sentient squirt guns of heated doom.

The shield goblin blocked a few streams heading toward the group, but more of these massive bugs were erupting from other directions. Caoimhín’s starting to understand why he was exiled here. Caoimhín grabbed a bucket-carrying goblin and yanked it away from a maggot’s lava puke. This place is absolutely fec—wait a minute! He suddenly looked at the creature in his hand.

The goblin by his side was half the size of the others with an odd feathery brown mohawk and, as mentioned, carrying a bucket. It was made much thicker than average and sturdy as Hells, but was a bucket nonetheless. Why do you have a bucket? The smallest goblin pointed to one of the red-hot rivers surrounding them and made a scooping motion. Oh, lava collection.

Another massive lava maggot began squirting lava around, the rest joined in soon after; moments later the ground quaked as the nearest volcano shot out a gigantic moth-like beast made of magma. Aaawe, feck. Looks like Mama’s here to protect the kids!

More rumbling and an ear-splitting roar made them turn around; a hoard of drakes, massive four-legged reptilian beasts, were charging onto the scene, drool coming from their mouths as they aimed to eat the maggots. If that wasn’t bad enough, the moth’s sudden appearance set off the surrounding volcanos, causing more lava to flood the area. The more Caoimhín looked around, the more seemed to be happening: a few wyverns flying in from the West, the stomps of a giant arriving from the East. Ululating called everyone’s attention to a group of humanoids with masks covering their whole body, charging in with spears.

So, this is a world of Apocalypse… Indeed it is. Apocalypse is a series of worlds overflowing with absolute chaos and evil, Obsidian is the smallest of the eleven worlds surrounding the central one, which the system is named after. Everything an end-of-the-world junkie would want could be found here; zombies of every sort, monsters from nightmares, Demon Lords banished from their homelands, villains cursed to stay for terrible crimes, and now, Caoimhín.

If Caoimhín knew he’d actually be sent here, he’d have paid more attention in history before dropping out. He mused half-heartedly while picking up a spear.

Deep underground was a massive cavern big enough to fit a small continent with hundreds of connected tunnels. And built into the very back was a tall, thin castle full of zombies, along with their tired Ogre King. A tall, muscular figure who died eons ago but stayed alive for who knows how long or why. The Ogre King rebuilt his small kingdom below Obsidian’s surface for a sense of purpose.

The Ogre King was over ten feet tall with the figure of a bodybuilder, he never wore more than regal leather pants held up with suspenders, a damaged lavender cloak, and a golden crown. Most of his body was in great condition, the only reason you’d think him undead was the gaping hole in his chest where a heart used to be.

At this moment, he was looking into a mirror in his bedroom, studying the hole with more thought than your people would think an ogre or zombie capable of. He groaned before reaching for it as gently as a beast like him could. So long… why live? A gentle knock came at the door, Enter! The man said with all the authority he could muster, then dropped his guard when he saw who entered.

A tall androgynous goblin limped in; their robe sleeves were stained with many odd colors and blood. Majesty, may we speak now?

The king sighed deeply before standing up, Prince above ground?

Yes, The robed zombie replied with a nod, He exited the tunnels yesterday morning, and we haven’t heard anything since. Last report says he saw something and gave chase. They stopped there according to orders and returned for further command.

The king walked over to a large window in his room and looked out, Hope didn’t drive prince away.

The robed underling gave a nod, Of course, it’ll be difficult to have another kid this late, but we—

Fool! The king said in a calm but agitated tone, Not about kingdom’s future. This about pushing son away. He trudged over to the large bed and plopped on the side. Had son only for succeeding as king, but neglected prince may not want. Got Too caught up in what I wanted, forgot to be parent.

As silence fell over the two, a roar covered Caoimhín and the king’s son, who happened to be the undead goblin in iron armor fighting alongside the exiled Irishman in the collision of chaos. Caoimhín and the goblins retreated to a hill where an avalanche caused several dozen boulders to fall, covering them from flying weapons. The prince had his archers shooting anything that got too close while the remaining axe wielder and one with a mace covered a small but easy-to-move-through opening in the side of their barricade.

Is Obsidian always like this? Caoimhín asked the armored ally, who replied with a grunt of confirmation. Oh, great… Caoimhín and the prince were kneeling behind the boulders. Any idea how long these monsters will go at it? The goblin held up five fingers, Guessing you don’t mean hours, The goblin shook his head,