The Courage to Be Yourself: An Updated Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem

By Sue Patton Thoele

Embrace The Courage to Be Yourself Authentically

“As a Clinical Psychologist, I have frequently recommended this book. It is very well written. It is clear and highly beneficial. The author states that it is written for women. I have found that most of the book can also be useful for men.” ─Amazon review

This self-growth focused motivational book teaches you how to find yourself. In The Courage to Be Yourself, learn to set boundaries, make peace, and find happiness with who you are in a world that projects perfection onto us.

Target harmful patterns. Surrounded by the pressures of society, we often measure ourselves by impossible standards, causing us to doubt ourselves. When this causes negative self-talk, our happiness inevitably suffers. Unhealthy mindsets can also infiltrate our relationships with others. Women can feel the need to be caretakers and sometimes put others' needs above our own. By identifying these patterns, we can set boundaries and target areas that need change—so you can love yourself properly.

Become a loving friend to yourself. While all of us certainly have a calling to love others, it is just as important to give that same love to yourself. It feels good to be yourself, but you must find yourself first. In this emotional strength book, Patton shares impactful stories to show readers how to journey from a place of fear to a life of courageous self-acceptance and real love.

Inside The Courage to Be Yourself, you’ll find:

• How to find and be yourself through the pressures of today
• Stories of growth and healing from Patton and other women
• How to set boundaries, communicate more effectively, and change self-deprecating behaviors

If you liked Courage Is Calling, The Courage to Be Disliked, or How to Be Yourself, you’ll love The Courage to Be Yourself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Oct 18, 2022
• ISBN: 9781684810277

Sue Patton Thoele

Sue Patton Thoele was a psychotherapist for more than twenty years, and is the author of ten books including The Woman's Book of Confidence, The Woman's Book of Soul, and The Courage to Be Yourself. She and her husband, Gene, live in Boulder, Colorado near their children and grandchildren. Visit her online at www.suepattonthoele.com.

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Cover.jpg

The Courage to

Be Yourself

an updated

guide to

emotional

strength

and

self-esteem

Sue Patton Thoele

Coral Gables, FL

Copyright © 1991, 2001, 2016, 2022 by Sue Patton Thoele.

Published by Conari Press, a division of Mango Publishing Group, Inc.

Cover Design: Katia Mena

Layout & Design: Carmen Fortunato

Interior Illustrations: Sandie Turchyn

Author Photo: Luke Landin

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The Courage to Be Yourself: An Updated Guide to Emotional Strength

and Self-Esteem

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication number: 2022913384

ISBN: (print) 978-1-68481-026-0, (ebook) 978-1-68481-027-7

BISAC: SEL023000, SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Self-Esteem

In memory of my wonderful mother,

Virginia Faris Patton,

who had a special talent for listening,

and

my dear friend,

Kate Wagner Landin,

who had a special talent for living and giving.

Your courage, humor, and love in the face of

death blessed and inspired me beyond my

ability to describe. Thank you both from the

depths of my heart and soul.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Sharing the Journey

part one

Finding the Courage to Be Yourself

chapter one

An Expanded Vision of Self

Awakening the Divine Feminine

Qualities of the Divine Feminine

The Divine Feminine is…

Freeze-dried Feminine

Wake-up Calls

chapter two

Courage: You Have It!

Emotional Strength and Self-esteem

What Is Emotional Dependence?

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

Courage: An Everyday Actuality

The Co-dependent Cage

Finding the Way to Ourselves

Emotional Wisdom

chapter three

Facets of Emotional Dependence

What Are Limits and Boundaries?

Giving Ourselves Away

Saying Yes but Feeling No

The Terror of Expectations

The Have-It-All/Do-It-All Trap

The Art of Avoidance

chapter four

Allowing Ourselves to Be Invaded

Footprints on Our Faces

The Projection Problem

Roles to Conquer the Invader

Mother

Victim

Martyr

Invalid

Xena: Warrior Princess

Bitch

Girl-woman

chapter five

The Leveled Life

Resistance Magnifies Pain

The Higher You Go, The Farther You’ll Fall

Safe but Sorry

Selling Your Dreams Short

chapter six

Getting There: A Road Map

The Three-A Map

Awareness

Acknowledgment

Acceptance

Altering Course

part two

Facing the Dragons in the Dungeon

chapter seven

Fear! Our Greatest Obstacle

Natural and Learned Fears

Buried Fears

Shining the Light of Prayer

Exploring Fear

Fear Creates Reality

Erasing If Only

chapter eight

Faces of Fear

Appeasing

Compulsive Action

Exhaustion

Resistance

Addiction

Illness

Depression

chapter nine

Underlying Assumptions and Hidden Beliefs

Things We’ve Swallowed Whole

The Power of Beliefs

Default to At Fault

Seed Sentences: Weeds or Flowers?

chapter ten

Drowning in Life’s Debris

Stressed and Distressed

Guilt

Responsibility Sponge

Appropriate and Inappropriate Guilt

Where Do We Get on the Guilt Train?

Anger and Resentment

Unresolved Grief

Isolation

part three

Healing: Owning Your Own Excellence

chapter eleven

Beyond Fear: Transforming the Dragons

Cultivating Self-esteem

Steps Toward Transformation

Become Aware, Pause, Choose

Living and Loving from Overflow

Physical Quadrant

Emotional Quadrant

Mental Quadrant

Spiritual Quadrant

Balancing Our Quadrants

Cleansing and Protection

chapter twelve

The Power of Thought

Thinking Is the Birth of Feeling

What You Think You Are, You Will Become

Developing into a Healthy Thinker

Positive Self-Talk Affirmations

Creating Your Own Affirmations

Self-Talk Saboteur Exorcism

Intention and Intuition

chapter thirteen

Yes, We Do Have Rights

I Have Rights! Okay?

A Woman’s Bill of Rights

Risk: Taking Responsibility and Making Creative Choices

Speaking Out Without Blowing Up

Tools for Constructive Communication

Honoring What We Want and Need

chapter fourteen

Being a Loving and Accepting Friend to Yourself

Friendship Is Essential

Giving Yourself Credit

Emotional Bank Account

Gold Star Lists

www.web4women

The Gift of Forgiveness

Forgiving Others

Forgiving Yourself

Accepting and Bestowing Support

The Art of Emotional Maintenance

Honoring Your Past, Present, and Potential

Life-Lessons

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Introduction

Sharing the Journey

My heart swells with gratitude as I revisit The Courage to Be Yourself, to revise and update it for this Tenth Anniversary Edition. I’m grateful for all the people who from the very beginning encouraged me to write when I didn’t have a clue how to begin or the confidence to believe that I had anything worthwhile to say. And most of all I’m grateful to the women who have read the book and,in doing so, have given it a life of its own.

Receiving letters and talking with these readers has been a continual and invaluable reminder to me that no matter how diverse we may seem, women share very similar journeys. In essence, we want and need to gather the courage to be whom we were born to be.

As is often the case, we teach what we most need to learn, and that was certainly true for me in writing The Courage to Be Yourself. The book emerged from my own struggles with fear, feelings of limitation, and the unrelenting criticism I heaped upon myself. Because I needed to practice the art of loving and being myself, this book was born. But it has survived and thrived because of you, the readers. Thank you from the depths of my heart!

Many of the women who first read the book are now mothers and grandmothers, and it’s my hope and prayer that this revised edition will become a legacy they will want to pass on to their daughters and granddaughters.

The idea of writing The Courage to Be Yourself first occurred to me in the small groups and seminars that I and a dear friend, Bonnie Hampton, led for several years. As we explored women’s issues—which included hopes, dreams, frustrations, fantasies, and fears—I was struck by the fact that whether married or single, stay-at-home moms or career women, old or young, the women in the groups struggled with similar anxieties and were saddled with comparable limiting beliefs. Amid both laughter and anguish, we helped each other transform common fears into the courage to express our authentic selves. Bonnie’s and my goal was to provide simple but powerful tools for helping ourselves and participants enhance self-esteem and tap into our elusive but ever-present core of emotional strength.

I’m hoping the true stories and examples shared in The Courage to Be Yourself will act as a group experience for you to help you overcome any tendency you may have to undervalue yourself and to encourage you, instead, to fully love and appreciate how wonderful you really are. Sharing our journey with other women can uphold and sustain us as we find the courage to be uniquely ourselves and realize that emotional strength and self-esteem are, in fact, our birth­right, our privilege, and our responsibility.

part one

Finding

the Courage to Be Yourself

chapter one

An Expanded Vision of Self

I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming.… This all sounds very strenuous and serious. But now that I have wrestled with it, it’s no longer so. I feel happy—deep down. All is well.

katherine mansfield (last journal entry)

Because we have learned so much, finding the courage to be ourselves may be easier for some of us now than it was fifteen years ago when I began writing the first edition of this book. Easier because many women are reveling in a greater sense of personal freedom and embracing a more expansive vision of themselves. While we can still fall prey to fears and beliefs that limit us, we have also become more psychologically aware and therefore better able to understand, move through, and overcome challenging feelings and circumstances.

That’s the good news. The flip side is that finding and sustaining the courage to be ourselves continue to be a challenge for many women, myself included. Why is it still so darn hard? One of the main reasons is that many of us were weaned on subtle and not-so-subtle innuendos regarding a woman’s role and, as a result, were well trained to put ourselves last, if at all. Old, familiar habits and expectations such as these are not easily or quickly changed. Another deterrent to authenticity is the seemingly endless and ever expanding demands upon us. Over-commitment robs us of the time, energy, and interest necessary to ponder who we are and what we want or need.

It’s true, we women are becoming increasingly independent and strong while continuing to love and support our friends, families, and communities. Ironically, the difficulty of being ourselves continues to be a common topic among women. Why do we so easily give ourselves away by doing more than we’re comfortable doing? Why do we often succumb to the habit of devaluing ourselves and putting ourselves down? While no one is totally immune to the charm of outside approval, many of us are periodically mystified by the seemingly tenuous stability of our self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Most of us have spent a lot of time and effort redefining ourselves and discrediting inhibiting stereotypes. Given our hard and dedicated work to improve our feelings of self-worth, why is it so hard to hold on to a belief in ourselves when people react less than positively toward us? What causes our emotional strength to ebb away in the face of disapproval? Why does it take such effort for us to express what we really think and feel?

Faced with speaking my truth, especially if I fear it will lead to rejection of either myself or my ideas, often causes a lump to clog my throat and a heavy weight to settle on my heart. Am I a slow learner? Am I actually afraid of equality? Worse yet, am I an imposter?

No, I don’t think so. And neither are you.

As the saying goes, we’ve come a long way. However, our training and socialization to accept second-class citizenry runs deep. And why wouldn’t it? For millennia women have suffered punishments, ranging from denial of affection and support to being burned at the stake, for stepping out of their rightful places. Given our history, it makes sense that a deep-seated fear of speaking our mind, being ourselves, and living our dreams is woven into the very fabric of our being. We now have the unprecedented opportunity to courageously recreate and reweave our lives and, consequently, the lives of our daughters and granddaughters.

Granted, many societal and individual assumptions are very different than they were a decade ago when this book was first published. However, under the seemingly solid ground of respect and equality that women have earned often lurks a quagmire of lingering patriarchal attitudes and desires.

Laura and Dan’s story is a good example. As a young couple, their roles were traditional. Laura stayed home with their three children while Dan worked to support the family. When the children left home, Laura wanted to return to her career as a home decorator. Dan was all for it, or so they thought. Laura said to me, You know, Sue, I believed him when he encouraged me to take the necessary classes and resume my career. So I was confused and angry when he put blocks in my way. First, he upped his requests for me to do errands for him, like going to the bank and cleaners and picking up stuff for his business. Then he had a series of little accidents and needed me to care for him. With a sigh, she continued, "I finally got it and asked him if, deep down, he resented my working. He denied it emphatically. But when he complained about never getting a good meal at home anymore, I knew that what he thought about my working was not what he felt!"

Luckily Laura and Dan have been able to work through this passage in their lives and consequently understand themselves and each other better. Dan was eventually able to see that, although he really wanted to support Laura’s choice to work, he’d had a good thing going with a stay-at-home wife and felt abandoned when those perks diminished.

Change is hard for us all, men and women alike.

In fact, I have great compassion for both sexes as we weather the inevitable storms that accompany a change in paradigm. Thank­fully many societies are now immersed in the process of converting from a patriarchal to an egalitarian paradigm. More simply put, we’re transforming the model of Top Dog/Bottom Dog into Equal Partnership. In order to create and sustain these new cultural patterns we women must confront our own fears, including each tenacious tentacle that strangles our freedom to be ourselves. Not an easy task.

It’s not easy for men or Top Dog–based organizations to adapt to the current necessary changes either. At the onset, women’s increase in self-esteem and emotional strength can easily be perceived as a demotion in power and position to those accustomed to the loftiest perches on the pedestal. I clearly remember my husband, Gene, pensively lamenting, I liked it the way it used to be! That years-old memory makes me smile now. Then I wanted to snap, Yeah, right! I’d like to have a wife like me, too!

The beauty of finding the courage to face our fears and become ourselves is that everyone eventually wins. As an example, Gene and I are both happier as co-creators of a partnership than we ever were when he was the undisputed Top Dog. For me, life in general becomes sunnier and more fulfilled in direct proportion to my ability to overcome the hesitations I have about expressing my true self. Of course, I still struggle with certain fears, and I suspect that will always be true. But as I develop strength and confidence, my fears become much more manageable and far less paralyzing.

Awakening the Divine Feminine

One of the major areas in which our vision of self is expanding is in the spiritual realm. Myriad archeological discoveries, including goddess artifacts from ancient civilizations and the Dead Sea Scrolls, have opened our eyes to the esteem in which women were once held. Research has unearthed cultures that honored both the masculine and the feminine and recognized that each needed the other to create and sustain the greater whole. Interestingly, weapons were not found among the artifacts of these cultures, which suggests that ancient partnership societies rarely indulged in warlike activities. A state of affairs that pleased the Divine Feminine, I’m sure.

Our newborn awareness that feminine qualities were respected and revered in the past has allowed an expanded vision of ourselves to appear in the present, a vision that acknowledges Woman—or The Feminine—as deep, rich, wise, multidimensional, creative, lighthearted, and spiritual. This recognition and reclamation of The Feminine as invaluable and essential—even divine—is changing who we perceive ourselves to be. Is it possible that we are made in the image of a Mother God, a feminine creator, a divine spiritual essence? We’re beginning to accept the answer as yes.

Actually, the idea of feminine spirituality as Source, as well as Comforter, is an idea as old as time but one that has been essentially buried for centuries. In the minds and hearts of many people, and even some established religious traditions, the Divine Feminine—a spark of which resides at the center of all souls—is once again taking her place beside the Divine Masculine. For the good of ourselves, our families, and our very world, our mission is to become our true selves and in so doing awaken and express the Divine Feminine within.

Qualities of the Divine Feminine

The Feminine is the embodiment of heart energy. Her key qualities are compassion and the ability to accept and honor the process of whatever is happening. Perhaps this is often easier for women because we are physically and emotionally programmed to honor the cycle of conception, pregnancy, and birth and to welcome and include whoever may be born from that long, mysterious process.

Contrary to the idea that women are overemotional, the Divine Feminine is well grounded emotionally and has the capacity to bring all of her energy to exactly where she is in the moment. Feminine energy accepts the paradoxes of life and has the ability to hold them within her heart simultaneously. Feminine energy connects deeply the Earth and all of her children, feeling for and with them.

The following list of feminine qualities—the vision of ourselves the Divine Feminine whispers in the stillness of our hearts—is by no means complete. You will be able to add many of your own.

The Divine Feminine is…

Inclusive: recognizes the value and worth of all people and things

Honoring of process: is able to allow circumstances, ideas, and experiences to unfold

Empowered: with steeled softness, champions the weak and vulnerable and stands firm for what is right

Intuitive: is holistic, accessing immediate perception rather than rational thinking

Compassionate: is empathetic, warm, open-hearted

Complementary: lives in concert with others, augmenting the whole with her presence

Connective: desires to link hands and hearts

Cooperative: is able to work with others without needing to be in control

Diffuse: perceives and understands a wide range of stimuli

Relational: is interested in preserving and deepening relationships

Gentle: is able to live gently with herself and others