Are You My Husband?: Thirty Conversations with Dementia

By Richard Adams

In 2019, Richard Adams’ wife developed a combination of Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. For four years he has been her full-time carer. He believes he has retained his sanity by getting up early and writing for a couple of hours. It is a kind of therapy, before he goes into the bedroom and announce that he is thinking of getting breakfast. Dementia has robbed his wife the will and the ability to attend to the usual household chores. Sometimes she does not remember who he is.

He has slowly come to understand that no one case of dementia is alike, and that there is no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with it. This is his own personal – sometimes very personal – approach.

These thirty conversations and reflections record episodes in their relationship and how dementia has impacted upon their lives. He has treated them with honesty and sensitivity, but also with humour, not to make light of what is a difficult experience, but to encourage anyone who is in a similar situation to enjoy a moment of recognition, to smile, even to laugh, but above all to find encouragement, to keep going and be undefeated by the mysterious illness called dementia.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Mar 28, 2024
• ISBN: 9781035843336

Richard Adams

Richard Adams (1920–2016) was educated at Bradfield College and Worcester College, Oxford. He served in the Second World War and in 1948 joined the civil service. In the mid-1960s he completed his first novel, Watership Down, for which he struggled for several years to find a publisher. It was eventually awarded both the Carnegie Medal and the Guardian Award for children’s fiction for 1972. He would go on to publish several more books, including Shardik, Tales from Watership Down, Maia, The Plague Dogs, and The Girl in a Swing.

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About the Author

Richard Adams is a retired primary school headteacher, artist, author, broadcaster and playwright. Born in Northamptonshire, his career took him to Norfolk and Lancashire, and his retirement took him to Leicestershire and Lancashire for a second time. His wife’s dementia brought him to Nottingham to be closer to family. They have a son, a daughter, and four grandchildren.

Dedication

For Chris, even though she won’t know why, and for all those who care for loved ones with dementia.

Copyright Information ©

Richard Adams 2024

The right of Richard Adams to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The story, experiences, and words are the author’s alone.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781035843329 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781035843336 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2024

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

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Author’s Note

In 2019, my wife developed a combination of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. For four years, I have been her full-time carer. I have retained my sanity by getting up early and writing for a couple of hours. It is a kind of therapy before I go into the bedroom and announce that I am thinking of getting breakfast. My wife has lost the will and the ability to attend to the usual household chores. Sometimes she does not remember who I am.

I have slowly come to understand that no one case of dementia is alike and that there is no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with it. This is my own personal – sometimes very personal – approach.

These thirty conversations and reflections record episodes in our relationship and how dementia has impacted upon our lives. I have treated them, I hope, with honesty and sensitivity but also with humour, not to make light of what is a difficult experience but to encourage anyone who is in a similar situation to enjoy a moment of recognition, to smile, even to laugh, but above all, to find encouragement to keep going and be undefeated by the mysterious illness called dementia.

Richard Adams

May 2023

1

Small Talk

There is a shortage of conversation in our household. Since there are only the two of us, there is hardly likely to be a constant hubbub, and since my wife and I have been married for sixty years, it’s hardly surprising that topics of conversation are somewhat limited; added to which, we moved house in the middle of the pandemic, which prevented us from making contacts, so we can’t even gossip about the neighbours.

But the main reason